lonelynyc Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I had been following strict NC with my ex for about 2 weeks until today. This means I have been screening all of her calls, ignoring every single text, just severing ties altogether or demonstrating that I want no involvement with her. She's blocked off my AIM, Facebook--all of it. Today I get an email from her and like an idiot I open it. NC also means not reading emails, obviously. Still, I open it and it's a self-loathing diatribe asking me if there's something wrong with her, why she keeps attracting guys who are deceitful, etc. This is just the summary of what I can remember while choking back tears: she said something about liking a guy and feeling that it was mutual until he said he was still getting over his ex. She knows that I still love her. I have told her that within the last month. WHY THE **** IS SHE SENDING ME THIS EMAIL? Does she want me to lose my mind with grief? It was easy knowing that she was dating again, so long as I didn't see it, and I took careful measures not to. But why did I open that email? It feels worse than being broken up with, quite frankly. I am distraught right now. 2 weeks ago she told me she loved me and asked me to hold her... Is this all some sort of elaborate revenge mind-**** to destroy me emotionally? I need some kind words of advice, please don't beat up on me... I've been doing enough of that to myself.
Author lonelynyc Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I would sincerely appreciate a response from anyone
EgoJoe Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) I don't think she has a clue what she is "doing" to you...but the nasty truth is that you're doing it to yourself due to how attached you are. All she can do is trigger these responses in you. Now, you can redirect her emails into junk folder, a special folder (where you will not read them until you're healed) or respond back asking her not to contact you because you don't have the answers and even if you did that it's not your job to console her because you are not her boyfriend, her friend or even an aquaintance you're a stranger with history. I do not suggest responding back although I would. I suggest saving the emails until you're healed so you can have a good laugh. These are your options. You decide. Edited September 23, 2011 by EgoJoe
Author lonelynyc Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I don't think she has a clue what she is "doing" to you...but the nasty truth is that you're doing it to yourself due to how attached you are. All she can do is trigger these responses in you. Now, you can redirect her emails into junk folder, a special folder (where you will not read them until you're healed) or respond back asking her not to contact you because you don't have the answers and even if you did that it's not your job to console her because you are not her boyfriend, her friend or even an aquaintance you're a stranger with history. I do not suggest responding back although I would. I suggest saving the emails until you're healed so you can have a good laugh. These are your options. You decide. I just want to know... what do you think would possess someone to send an email like the one she sent me?
EgoJoe Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I don't think all the speculation in the world will help the fact that you don't know what sense she's operating under. Suffice it to say that it is likely she is experiencing guilt and reaching out to the comfortable. If she wants you back she will let you know. If you do not respond it will increase those odds. If you respond and tell her, I'm not your boyfriend etc. it will increase those odds but I don't know if you had a nasty breakup or if you were strung along so I don't no if responding to assert boundaries is necessary you may be just fine by not responding. It is likely that she's feeling rejected and if you are there for her now you will never be a prize in her eyes beyond that of consolation.
wilsonx Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Because she thinks you are her "FRIEND" its nothing to do with being rejected. It has to do with her not being able to let go after a breakup She is trying to be friendly. Unless you tell her that the emails are hurting you, then she will continue to do so. Right now it hurts trust me, but you have to block them somehow or forward them to your trash folder.
Dark Phoenix Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 dumpers are people too. They go through a very similar process that the dumpees go through in order to heal. meaning, they still need to cut ties. Even though they are, arguably, further along in the healing process they may still feel a connection to the dumpee. The connection isn't strong enough for them to want a relationship but it is strong enough so they may feel more open to the dumpee (at times). The guy she was interested in said he was getting over his ex. I think this made her think of you, so she went running back to you. I don't think her intentions were to string you along or to hurt you in any way. I think she was just sharing her thoughts/experiences with someone she felt very close to. I'd stay NC if I were you. The more you respond, the more messages like this you will receive. until she heals completely.
EgoJoe Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Wilson posted before I could edit a typo, "So I don't know if responding to assert boundaries is necessary" is how it should read.
Author lonelynyc Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Because she thinks you are her "FRIEND" its nothing to do with being rejected. It has to do with her not being able to let go after a breakup She is trying to be friendly. Unless you tell her that the emails are hurting you, then she will continue to do so. Right now it hurts trust me, but you have to block them somehow or forward them to your trash folder. That's brutal though... there's nothing "friendly" about that type of email. It's cruel. It's my fault for reading it, but I feel like only an extreme sadist or someone oblivious to the impact of their words would send an email like the one she sent me. She knows I still love her. Hell, 2 weeks ago she told me she still loved me... Now she's all torn up because some other guy rejected her? She's developed feelings for someone else in 2 weeks? It doesn't compute.
EgoJoe Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 That's brutal though... there's nothing "friendly" about that type of email. It's cruel. It's my fault for reading it, but I feel like only an extreme sadist or someone oblivious to the impact of their words would send an email like the one she sent me. She knows I still love her. Hell, 2 weeks ago she told me she still loved me... Now she's all torn up because some other guy rejected her? She's developed feelings for someone else in 2 weeks? It doesn't compute. Egocentrism is a mother ****er of a mind state.
Author lonelynyc Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 dumpers are people too. They go through a very similar process that the dumpees go through in order to heal. meaning, they still need to cut ties. Even though they are, arguably, further along in the healing process they may still feel a connection to the dumpee. The connection isn't strong enough for them to want a relationship but it is strong enough so they may feel more open to the dumpee (at times). The guy she was interested in said he was getting over his ex. I think this made her think of you, so she went running back to you. I don't think her intentions were to string you along or to hurt you in any way. I think she was just sharing her thoughts/experiences with someone she felt very close to. I'd stay NC if I were you. The more you respond, the more messages like this you will receive. until she heals completely. But she knows I still love her, romantically. Last time I saw her (2 weeks ago) I could barely keep it together. What type of sympathy could she honestly expect to find from me?
wilsonx Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 That's brutal though... there's nothing "friendly" about that type of email. It's cruel. It's my fault for reading it, but I feel like only an extreme sadist or someone oblivious to the impact of their words would send an email like the one she sent me. She knows I still love her. Hell, 2 weeks ago she told me she still loved me... Now she's all torn up because some other guy rejected her? She's developed feelings for someone else in 2 weeks? It doesn't compute. I know what you are saying but its true. They have this light switch they can turn off and on. I know it hurts but you will be so better off as soon as you heal from this. I broke NC to end the emails a month into NC. I told my ex that I had moved on and that she needed to move on. Got one email after that and nothing since
Author lonelynyc Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I know what you are saying but its true. They have this light switch they can turn off and on. I know it hurts but you will be so better off as soon as you heal from this. I broke NC to end the emails a month into NC. I told my ex that I had moved on and that she needed to move on. Got one email after that and nothing since Do you think she might, contrary to all logic and signals I have given her recently, feel that because she has moved on I must have moved on to, and it's now okay for her to come to me about stuff going on in her love life which I'm no longer a part of?
EgoJoe Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I know what you are saying but its true. They have this light switch they can turn off and on. I know it hurts but you will be so better off as soon as you heal from this. I broke NC to end the emails a month into NC. I told my ex that I had moved on and that she needed to move on. Got one email after that and nothing since I disagree about the light switch. I think that she is simply oblivious at this point. She's reaching out to you (Lonelyinyc) BECAUSE she knows you love her and is looking to feed off of that because her Ego is still attached (to some degree) as well. Try to realize that what you're dealing with is a near automatic defense mechanism so that she can hide from pain. Do not indulge hers or your own. The pain will make you stronger, don't bother to try to understand until you are done feeling it.
Thieves Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 WHY THE **** IS SHE SENDING ME THIS EMAIL? Does she want me to lose my mind with grief? It was easy knowing that she was dating again, so long as I didn't see it, and I took careful measures not to. But why did I open that email? It feels worse than being broken up with, quite frankly. I am distraught right now. 2 weeks ago she told me she loved me and asked me to hold her... Is this all some sort of elaborate revenge mind-**** to destroy me emotionally? I need some kind words of advice, please don't beat up on me... I've been doing enough of that to myself. I feel your pain, LonelyNYC. Now, imagine every painful, jealousy-inducing line of that e-mail, and imagine reliving it over 20 times over basically every time you talk to her. For months. Now, also imagine you have a zipper sealed shut across your mouth, not allowing you to say a peep or release any bit of anger/sadness you have boiling inside because you're too afraid of losing her, or upsetting her, or embarrassing yourself. Now imagine plastering on a perfect smiling face and spewing out words of support, egging this girl on in her 'wonderful' relationship with her 'wonderful' boyfriend, all the while you're just about brimming full with pain and regret that literally burns your chest and your heart the entire time. And with every word you speak, you're feeling sorry for the day you ever agreed to be just friends with her after she rejected you. Yeah. That's basically what I had to go through. Twice. I really don't know if a person - the dumper - knows that they're doing this. Some seem oblivious or truly unaware, and then some seem a little too oblivious where it's ridiculous for them not know the pain they're causing the other person. I'm not going to beat you up, though. Just now you know not to open up another e-mail, right? Sometimes we have to do these things to really get the lesson through to us, even if it does hurt like hell.
Author lonelynyc Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I've been so torn up about all of this, I called a depression hotline tonight. My friends and family are tired of hearing about my ex. It's been months of non-stop "bearing my soul" to them. That's how desperate I felt, I needed to call a hotline. From an extremely detailed description of my ex and the demise of our relationship right down to all the **** going on right now, the counselor suggested that my ex could suffer from borderline personality disorder. All the signs are there--suffered sexual abuse as a child and never received adequate counseling, poor self-esteem, sees everything in black or white, tempestuous and frequent mood swings, bored easily, has a problem with compulsive spending (drops $700 on a pair of boots while struggling to pay the rent), prone to episodes of binge drinking, etc. I have invested so much time and energy into worrying about how someone who has so many of their own issues, feels about me. Someone like this isn't ready to love anyone, truly. I have been wrong to expect so much out of a person with so many demons. Despite all that I'm human. I can't believe 2 weeks ago she told me she loved me, asked me to hold her and rub her back, and between then and now she's ****ing someone else! Incredible.
Dark Phoenix Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I have invested so much time and energy into worrying about how someone who has so many of their own issues, feels about me. Someone like this isn't ready to love anyone, truly. I have been wrong to expect so much out of a person with so many demons. Despite all that I'm human. I can't believe 2 weeks ago she told me she loved me, asked me to hold her and rub her back, and between then and now she's ****ing someone else! Incredible. you and me both buddy... Only, I believe my breakup happened a few months before yours so I've had more time to cope with all of it. It will get better, trust me.
Recommended Posts