LSChic Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 In April I got out of a LTR in which I was cheated on several times. My ex had another girlfriend who he bonded with by bashing me behind my back and making her pity him. This went on for 6 months while I was getting sicker and sicker (my doctors were looking for a malignant brain tumor). I forgave him only to find out that he was still talking to her 4 months later. I just started dating a married man. The relationship is extremely casual. I like him, but as of now I can't see myself loving him. I'm not jealous of the wife. It's all just really cool. I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER being the OW than being the girlfriend. It's so much more simple to make this kind of relationship work because no one expects it to get serious. I'm 7 years younger than him (I'm 24, he's 31) and his wife is the same age as he is so he's really excited to be with someone who is young. I have a high sex drive which he loves. I'm appreciated. I'm not lied to. I can't be cheated on. It's great! I'd so rather be in this than be the miserable SO a guy goes home to to be miserable.
wannabdone Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 In April I got out of a LTR in which I was cheated on several times. My ex had another girlfriend who he bonded with by bashing me behind my back and making her pity him. This went on for 6 months while I was getting sicker and sicker (my doctors were looking for a malignant brain tumor). I forgave him only to find out that he was still talking to her 4 months later. I just started dating a married man. The relationship is extremely casual. I like him, but as of now I can't see myself loving him. I'm not jealous of the wife. It's all just really cool. I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER being the OW than being the girlfriend. It's so much more simple to make this kind of relationship work because no one expects it to get serious. I'm 7 years younger than him (I'm 24, he's 31) and his wife is the same age as he is so he's really excited to be with someone who is young. I have a high sex drive which he loves. I'm appreciated. I'm not lied to. I can't be cheated on. It's great! I'd so rather be in this than be the miserable SO a guy goes home to to be miserable. Its been said that a lot of times, the OW is who actually "has" the MM. I'm glad you have found peace. I find it a bit insulting that your MM thinks 24 is so much younger than 31. Not really that much of a difference, but I if that is what floats his boat.
kareena Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 In April I got out of a LTR in which I was cheated on several times. My ex had another girlfriend who he bonded with by bashing me behind my back and making her pity him. This went on for 6 months while I was getting sicker and sicker (my doctors were looking for a malignant brain tumor). I forgave him only to find out that he was still talking to her 4 months later. I just started dating a married man. The relationship is extremely casual. I like him, but as of now I can't see myself loving him. I'm not jealous of the wife. It's all just really cool. I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER being the OW than being the girlfriend. It's so much more simple to make this kind of relationship work because no one expects it to get serious. I'm 7 years younger than him (I'm 24, he's 31) and his wife is the same age as he is so he's really excited to be with someone who is young. I have a high sex drive which he loves. I'm appreciated. I'm not lied to. I can't be cheated on. It's great! I'd so rather be in this than be the miserable SO a guy goes home to to be miserable. LSChic, BE CAREFUL! That is basically how my A started,I had a boyfriend who repeatedly hit me and cheated on me and when I first started seeing MM it was so nice and simple just as you described.Trust me I know exactly how you feel but I have to warn you,there was a time where I was not jealous of the wife as well now I cry myself to sleep almost every night!! that's how jealous and hurt I get.If you fall in love with him everything will change,and what once was sweet and simple will become painful and complicated you need to understand what you are getting yourself into.How long has your A been going on for??
woinlove Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 In April I got out of a LTR in which I was cheated on several times. My ex had another girlfriend who he bonded with by bashing me behind my back and making her pity him. This went on for 6 months while I was getting sicker and sicker (my doctors were looking for a malignant brain tumor). I forgave him only to find out that he was still talking to her 4 months later. I just started dating a married man. The relationship is extremely casual. I like him, but as of now I can't see myself loving him. I'm not jealous of the wife. It's all just really cool. I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER being the OW than being the girlfriend. It's so much more simple to make this kind of relationship work because no one expects it to get serious. I'm 7 years younger than him (I'm 24, he's 31) and his wife is the same age as he is so he's really excited to be with someone who is young. I have a high sex drive which he loves. I'm appreciated. I'm not lied to. I can't be cheated on. It's great! I'd so rather be in this than be the miserable SO a guy goes home to to be miserable. Taking the short view, it is better being the OW than the betrayed gf or spouse. But taking the long view, it is not always so clear. The most important R is the one we have with ourselves and the connections we choose with others, how we treat others, how we encourage those we are intimate with to treat others, to a large extent defines what is within ourselves.
MissBee Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Taking the short view, it is better being the OW than the betrayed gf or spouse. But taking the long view, it is not always so clear. The most important R is the one we have with ourselves and the connections we choose with others, how we treat others, how we encourage those we are intimate with to treat others, to a large extent defines what is within ourselves. Beautifully said. The types of relationships you choose and feel comfortable with say a lot about your inner landscape... So many times we piece together some unbelievable scenario and sit ourselves atop a wobbly and poorly built structure, having no clue that it is a distraction from self-actualizing. I am always wary of those who are serial monogamists, but serial monogamists of bad/dubious relationships. They hop from one form of questionable relationship to another, that may be different in degree or type but is still a product of issues no less. Know it or not, that serves to avoid dealing with the self and having a good relationship with the self and until you do, then you can search high and low for the "perfect scenario", you can have affairs, open relationships, get married, have a boyfriend and any amount of things, but it won't make any difference as other people cannot fix what you need to fix for yourself...
herenow Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I agree with others. In the end, you only have yourself to answer to. If you are happy being on the OW "side of the coin", then that is your choice. And, I wish you well. I would not be able to live on that side, but that's me. I pride myself on honesty. I love to share my life with friends and family. Besides the guilt I would feel, it would be hard (if not impossible), for me to live a lie. I would also have a very hard time getting past the fact that my actions could hurt so many people including myself. So, as much pain as it was to be a BW, I would choose my "side of the coin" any day. At least I can live with myself, my choices, my actions. I'm glad you are happy and again, I wish you well. I just have a different POV.
So Very Confused Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I understand where you are coming from and thought almost those exact things when I started my A. Boy was I naive. I thought I was helping myself to heal from a rough marriage where I was neglected by being with someone who wanted me. I was so wrong. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Now that I can look back on my choice, I see that it was because I was desperate to feel better and unwilling to have patience or work on myself. I felt so bad that anything felt good. If you are banging your head against a wall, it will feel good when you stop. That doesn't mean that banging your head against the wall was a good idea in the first place though.
Emme Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) Ah yess. fun fun fun until you fall in love. It will sneak up on you and then what? Let the church say Amen!!!!!! LSChic, I loved those days as well. Not a care in the world. Many wonder why there are OW/OM and your post is really about convenience. Many do want to be free of all the drama a serious relationship brings. You have to be careful with your heart that's all I ask. You seem to be a woman who knows what she wants. Please keep your life busy and as soon as your emotions start to change step back and take a good look at the relationship. Please pay attention. Don't dismiss it as nothing. Edited September 23, 2011 by Emme
Author LSChic Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 wow... thank you, everyone, for being so wise and not judging me. I'm really going to take your advice to heart. I'll step lightly and make sure to do constant introspection. Thanks again.
26pointblue Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I can understand where you're at. When I started seeing xMM it was all fun & games & casual, & I always thought, I'd way rather be the having all the fun, hot sex, romantic dates, getting wined & dined, than be the wife getting cheated on. I was cynical of men & relationships & felt I would end up getting hurt if I truly gave my heart to someone, & would rather be on the OW side of things than the BS side of things. Well, for me things changed pretty fast & xMM & I were 'in love.' I started to feel jealousy & want more, wanted him to myself, & was lonely or frustrated when we couldn't see each other because of his wife/family [although he did spend an exorborant amount of time with me, so it wasn't always so bad]. I justified to myself that I was still getting the good parts of him & not being cheated on by him like his wife was. Then when it all got too hot & heavy to handle I started to think about why I was doing what I was doing. I thought I could protect my heart by being the OW instead of a BS, but here my heart was in his hands & he was squishing it more & more by saying he loved me & wanted to be with me, yet staying married. I started to see that he was lying to me, he was cheating me out of things I deserve, & quite honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he had been 'cheating' on me with another OW & I would bet anything now that if he & I had ended up together, he would be cheating on me like he was cheating on his wife with me. So where had I gotten myself except where I didn't want to be . . . with a cheater & liar, & as we started to have D-Days now I was feeling guilty for being just like him & helping inflict on another woman the one thing I was the most afraid of: being cheated on & betrayed and/or left for another woman. So I do think there's a time in the affair where everything's good & you think you've protected your heart & you are getting all the benefits of the MM's time. But in reality things don't stay that way . . . if his wife or other people find out you will probably start to realize the hurt you're helping to cause another person & you will take a new look at yourself & your MM. You will start to see the negatives of the affair piling up a lot more quickly than the positives. It's really to me like a Pandora's box that looks so intriguing & exciting but opening it is the very worst thing you can do, because it's really dangerous & leads no where good . . . unless you are truly a person who is okay with helping to lie & deceive someone else long-term & unless you are a person who is really incapable of becoming emotionally attached . . . & then what kind of person are you? You seem to me like a good person who is capable of love so I do think you will start to question all of this very soon, & may already be doing so to have found LS [that's when it started for me anyway]. In retrospect I see I was with xMM because I was afraid to try for what I really wanted: a committed loving relationship with someone who is only with me & no one else. I was scared of being hurt, so I was holding myself back & giving myself less than I deserved & letting xMM do that same thing to me. It's not a pretty place to be & it was painful to get out of but now I'm like, hey, there's always the risk of getting hurt & I sure got hurt with xMM so why stay stuck in a miserable situation where I feel second best & like I'm helping to hurt someone? Why not be true to myself & go for what I really want instead of letting fear hold me back? Yes you've been hurt by your ex but that doesn't mean there aren't good guys out there . . . I've found one & I don't say that to brag but to let you know that it's possible. I am a million times happier than when I was involved with xMM. Because I decided to start being true to myself & go for what I really want & not settle for anything less. And believe me I was definitely where you're at at one point, so, I feel there are probably some not so pretty times coming up for you but you will have the ability to get out of them & get into something better . . . this situation really doesn't sound so much better than the one you were in before -- getting hurt by your ex or allowing yourself to be used by a married man for his fun on the side -- I hope you soon realize there is something better for you than this.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 wow... thank you, everyone, for being so wise and not judging me. I'm really going to take your advice to heart. I'll step lightly and make sure to do constant introspection. Thanks again. Not judging..Just be aware of your choices and the consquences/fallout that will happen as time goes on. Your heart, missing him, wanting more, falling for him, wishing he was "all" yours, no sharing.. His wife possibly finding out and confronting you.. Just own your part in the affair, don't put it all on him and blame him for everything.
MissBee Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I understand where you are coming from and thought almost those exact things when I started my A. Boy was I naive. I thought I was helping myself to heal from a rough marriage where I was neglected by being with someone who wanted me. I was so wrong. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Now that I can look back on my choice, I see that it was because I was desperate to feel better and unwilling to have patience or work on myself. I felt so bad that anything felt good. If you are banging your head against a wall, it will feel good when you stop. That doesn't mean that banging your head against the wall was a good idea in the first place though. Yesss....this is perfectly explained!
Author LSChic Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 In retrospect I see I was with xMM because I was afraid to try for what I really wanted: a committed loving relationship with someone who is only with me & no one else. I was scared of being hurt, so I was holding myself back & giving myself less than I deserved & letting xMM do that same thing to me. OMG...this articulated something for me that I couldn't articulate myself. After coming out of 2 LTRs where I was completely loyal, yet horribly abused I'm terrified of having it happen. I've never been more terrified of anything in my life. If I'm not in a committed relationship, I feel like I have control and that controls the fear a little bit.
So Very Confused Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OMG...this articulated something for me that I couldn't articulate myself. After coming out of 2 LTRs where I was completely loyal, yet horribly abused I'm terrified of having it happen. I've never been more terrified of anything in my life. If I'm not in a committed relationship, I feel like I have control and that controls the fear a little bit. Just playing devil's advocate here: Do you believe that you were abused because you were loyal? Is it possible to be abused in a NSA relationship? Is there a way to feel like you have control in a committed relationship? Are you more afraid of someone else hurting you or of you letting someone else hurt you?
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