SilverLining Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 For over six months, I have been chatting with Dan, which began one night when a girl stole my phone and started texting random numbers. One of them texted me back asking about the message, we got to talking, and got along so well we continued. So time goes on, I moved to the Middle East for work, and we decide to hang out over xmas. Right at this time, his ex girlfriend dumps her fiance and decides she wants to get back together with Dan. For the past few weeks, all I have heard about is her continuing to text him, call him, message him on facebook. She posts on his friend's wall trying to get to him. I told him several times this was a bit much for me, if he wanted to be with his ex, he should. I said a number of times please handle this. He told her he wanted to be left alone, and she ignored it. He told her there was someone else, she didn't believe him. She just kept trying to talk to him, showing up where he was going to be, posting pictures of them on his wall...just every day there was some kind of drama. Dan and I stopped connecting, and instead we fought all the time about his ex being around. He kept saying he didn't want to be with her, and I expected him to get rid of her. He kept asking me to trust him. At one point I said either she goes or I, I cannot handle this anymore. So he took her to dinner and chatted with her and told her there was someone else, and she kissed him. Then posted all over facebook about the wonderful night they had...which was another fight because what the heck was going on? I probably should have just taken off. Finally after weeks of this ruining my days, I had enough. She posted about talking to Dan (meaning she left a voicemail that he didn't answer) and then she was saying, oh why isn't he talking to me, he is not the old Dan! And I admit I lost it. I told her that I'm sure she is very nice, and she is pretty, and has a lot going for her, but she needs to stop focusing on the past and someone who is no longer interested in her. I then said that it was not cool for her to post all over Dan's friends wall just to get to Dan. And I said this whole thing was bat**** insane. And it IS. Now, I know I shouldn't have said anything at all, but I had had enough! Then his friend joined in and said some pretty nasty stuff, and I was telling him to stop and delete it all. Now, I know how terribly middle school this all sounds, and trust me I am mortified beyond belief. Anyway, the ex called Dan and left a crying voicemail, then he went to see her and pretty much came back home and sent me a message saying he has realized he is madly in love with her and has always been, and I am history. Then he kicked his friend out of his house. I was very upset, that after all the stress and drama of HER actions, I am the one demonized because I do ONE thing wrong. Later, he messaged me and said him saying he was madly in love with her was a knee-jerk reaction. He said that he wanted to be friends with her and keep her in his life, and he was sorry I couldn't handle it. EXCUSE ME? I am going to leave this alone. I feel like this whole mess is completely insane and I don't get why he keeps saying he liked me when clearly he was more interested in his ex. He is angry with me because we fought about his ex. I say he has no right to be angry with me for reacting to a situation I should never have been put into in the first place.
Dark Phoenix Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Confined to this whole experience... you're all crazy. But you've already said you see the wrong in your mistakes. With that said, know that even if you didn't make that "mistake" and you had left everything alone. He still would have gotten back with her. He could have blocked her on facebook, changed his number, done everything in his power to prevent her from making contact... but he did nothing. Sorry to say this but I think he was looking for an excuse to get back with her. When you made that "mistake", which is understandable why you would, he used that as his excuse to leave you for her. In the grand scheme of things you got played. He basically told you that when he said he has always been in love with his ex.
KathyM Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 You are right to get out of this situation. He is obviously not over his X and doesn't know what he wants. Keep your distance and tell him you're not interested in being part of this triangle.
betterdeal Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 You sound perfectly sane, just caught in an insane situation. I notice you say things like "she kissed him" which, unless she assaulted him, is a bit one-sided: they kissed is more accurate, regardless of who initiated it. It sounds like you're out of a bad situation. Lose all contact. Change your phone number, block him and her on Facebook and draw a line under it. I wouldn't care who thinks you're a bad or what not - that's for kids. The important thing is you recognised it as unhealthy and making you unhappy, you registered this with him and he failed to accommodate your needs. He cannot give you what you want and you cannot give him what he wants. End of.
Author SilverLining Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Dark Phoenix, I so agree. The issue here is that despite everything, he INSISTED he did not want to be with her. I wanted him to tell her to f off, since she wasn't getting it any other way. If this were me, I would kindly say I was unavailable...but after a few days of it I would NOT have been nice. Whenever I said I would leave him to his ex, he got furious with me and said he didn't want to be with her...and yet everywhere I turned, there she was. I know he wasn't answering a lot of her calls and texts...but the fact is I'm overseas and she is in the same town, and I knew how broken up he was over her. I can't know for sure, only trust him that he is not lying to me...and it's difficult to trust when every day she posts something new or something else happens. He told me that fighting about her made him not want to be with me anymore, and that me wanting him to be more firm about it was telling him to be someone he wasn't, and that it pushed him towards her. I say, better to be upset about someone acting crazy than actually BEING the crazy person. In my mind, this is his problem and his drama. Not mine. And I should have never listened to him and his tales about trust. I am just so glad that I do not have to deal with this anymore. He said he didn't ask her out again, that he was very sad we didn't work out. We didn't work out because of HIM. I'm no longer interested in someone who doesn't have the balls to either stand up to his ex, or tell me what he really wants.
Author SilverLining Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Trust me, I'm not interested anymore after this. My problem was that I have been saying the same thing over and over again and he just was not getting it. I just needed to tell someone and get clarification on whether or not I was being crazy. I think I was - crazy to put up with it for as long as I did! The last thing he said to me was that after her breakup, she needed him and he was there for her...and I freaked out. Who wouldn't freak out about it? I just have a very hard time opening up to people and he is the first person I opened up to in years. So I am upset because yes, I got played, and yes, I have turned a lot of people down for him. What a waste. Thanks for listening guys. I appreciate it.
betterdeal Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 No sweat. You've done the right thing. He sounds like a right muppet who couldn't tell his arse from his elbow. It's completely understandable that you given him time and chances to correct his behaviour, but life's too short to waste it playing second fiddle, which you - and she - were in his wibbly wobbly world. Well done you for getting out of it! Looking forward, maybe you can learn from this and go into your next relationship a bit more slowly and naturally. Being emotionally honest with yourself is what matters, and if something stinks, accept that. This is a good place to vent or drop this stuff off. It's much cheaper than therapy too! Take care
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