are women serious about online dating?

[Andy_K]

Star Gazer is right.... in their twenties, the majority of girls online are just looking for the hottest guy they can get. Often overlooking personality flaws that they really should have picked up on before they met up.

 

It doesn't matter if you're good looking, articulate, etc. The majority are still going to drop communication when someone better grabs their attention.

 

Consider this: Even if you're in the top 20% of guys online, lookswise, if that girl gets just half a dozen non-sleazy messages, she's probably already got someone hotter than you she could talk to. Now consider how many women - at least the more desirable ones - get dozens of messages a day...

[oaks]

I love it when guys say this. What they're really saying is "Women on dating sites don't want to date ME, therefore they couldn't possibly be taking it seriously."

 

I was going to say something similar (but probably ruder) but you beat me to it.

 

and I don't date coworkers,

 

I always read this as "cow-orkers". Am I the only one? I feel sorry for the cows.

[oaks]

Right. Well, I was on OKC for 7 months and I wrote unique, genuine messages that demonstrated that I had indeed read their profile and indeed we did have things in common. Now, I'm a bright, college educated, thoughtful young man who's reasonably good looking and I have no problems getting dates in the real world.

 

Maybe your profile sucks. Don't worry too much about it, especially since you have no problems getting dates in real life.

 

Online however, nothing. Now perhaps I had a horrible profile, but I doubt that was the reason that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I wrote a message to never responded. But go ahead, feel free to assume I'm just writing stupid cut and paste messages, because obviously you know me and know the kinds of messages I wrote.

 

I guess I'm just one crazy, entitled whiny guy...

 

Or, perhaps paradoxically, women just aren't into reasonably good looking, thoughtful, bright men who like to enjoy life. That must be it.

 

Could be, but online dating is working for some people (me, for example), so I suspect your generalisation isn't quite right.

[irc333]

Some are not....but others , I think take it WAY to seriously, even the 30's 40s

 

I have seen some long timer permanent fixtures on these sites across the board. Same faces on more than one dating site.

 

Some treating their profiles like whiney blogs, sometimes it's comical.

 

One said,

 

"Due to recent experiences on here, I have decided to make a statement"

 

"Please have a valid driver's liscense and the abilty to drive, has no felony charges or served time in jail (guess she is lenient on misdemeanors, lol), don't be a dead beat dad who doesn't pay his child support. Have job"

 

Funny, I've seen these, "Please don't have a criminal record" and I just laugh at the fact how I very EASILY do NOT fall into that category, yet she wont' respond.

 

One other woman was so bitter that she had shortened her profile...she said, "Yeah, I've been on here before, and not not too crazy about it....but how else am I suppose to meet someone?"

 

True statement, since she lives in a rural area lacking in men her age that are already married. She mentioned that the only guys that hit on her are guys who are just BARELY made the legal drinking age. That's it.

 

Even in her headliner she said, "I hate this crap!!"

 

Always chasin' the jerks, then complaining about it in her dating profile.

 

 

 

 

I ask this because after talking with 2 of my female coworkers they said it was something they would never consider. they gave me no reasons for it. also Im wondering about the expectations of women on dating sites, since I already decided to try it out. it's only been 3 days with no responses. Im curious if women are looking for unrealistic, fantasy based men because I notice that the women on the sites are average looking at best which Im okay with but unsure if they feel the same, since most of their profiles say how they respond very selectively. Im also curious as to whether free or paying dating sites generate totally dissimilar success rates. your help in this would help me in deciding if I should bother.

[oaks]

Funny, I've seen these, "Please don't have a criminal record" and I just laugh at the fact how I very EASILY do NOT fall into that category, yet she wont' respond.

 

Surely you don't think that just meeting the written requirements is enough to get a response? I guess she forgot to write "Of course I need to find you attractive, too". I've seen that in profiles, and I'm guessing you have too.

[madjac74]

 

Funny, I've seen these, "Please don't have a criminal record" and I just laugh at the fact how I very EASILY do NOT fall into that category, yet she wont' respond.

 

 

Funny how I don't meet this requirement yet I have met some amazing women who do not care.

[karaoke]

many women take it seriously. Not everyone is just looking for sex. you can kinda sort them out by they profiles. i've been reading a lot about it, i found some good info on the website under my signature about how to create a profile that makes women/men take you seriously, and how to sort out other people's profiles too. check it out, you might find some tips too!!

[aj22one]

Maybe your profile sucks. Don't worry too much about it, especially since you have no problems getting dates in real life.

 

Could be, but online dating is working for some people (me, for example), so I suspect your generalisation isn't quite right.

 

I'm not worried about it. But, given my own experience and clearly many posters on LS as well, I always tell guys not to do online dating unless they are in a really desperate situation that makes them unable to meet women the conventional way.

 

And my generalization was merely a snippy response to the person who quoted me earlier in the thread. She assumed I was writing crappy canned emails so I responded with my own assumptions and generalizations.

[aj22one]

Women in that age group (early 20's) are typically looking for the hottest guy online. That's probably why you're failing, not because they don't want a serious relationship - they just want one with someone very attractive.

 

I don't know whether to take that as an insult or not . But, basically what you're saying is that women aren't taking online dating very seriously. Or, do they all really think that they're going to get "very attractive" men for relationships?

 

I mean I think it's fairly obvious that the most attractive people don't want relationships. When I see a gorgeous woman I automatically (and correctly) assume she's not looking for a serious relationship. I would hope women would think the same about men.

[karaoke]

I mean I think it's fairly obvious that the most attractive people don't want relationships. When I see a gorgeous woman I automatically (and correctly) assume she's not looking for a serious relationship. I would hope women would think the same about men.

 

that's not true. because of this assumption many beautiful people have a hard time finding someone who will take them seriously. Being pretty doesn't mean looking for just sex.

[rightfield]

I'm a 43 yr old male and have been trying online dating for about a month now. I too have experienced quite a bit of "no response" but I have also recently had 3 dates with an awesome lady who seems to be like minded about relationships.

 

I'd say that my response rate was about 5-10% on email contact attempts. I always make myself read the woman's first before looking at all of her pictures. When possible, I try to reference something specific about her profile that I think is a point of compatibility.

 

However, sometimes that simply isn't possible because many women don't put any time at all into their profiles. Many just throw out some pretty pictures and write a short profile that says all of the same crap that everyone else says. It always seems "engineered" to appeal to everyone and not turn anyone off.

 

90% of women's profiles say this:

 

I am laid back. I love to have fun. I like to hang out with my friends. I love my family. I am happy dressing up and going to the theatre or dressing down and going to a sports bar. I love to laugh. (this is my favorite) blah, blah, blah

 

So after reading a couple of paragraphs like that for the 100th time, I try to give the benefit of the doubt and realize that not everyone writes creatively, but it's nearly impossible to reference something in a profile like that.

 

I think the women who do this are not really serious. They throw out a generic profile knowing that they will be flooded with responses, but then they complain that guys are sending copy/paste emails. Ladies, if you want to receive serious responses, write a serious, well thought out profile that shows US that you're serious.

 

However, even if you do, realize that you are still going to get Skype jerkoff invites from pervs. There's no stopping that.

[karaoke]

women who don't put an effort on creating and writing a profile that reflects their true interests are not serious. if they really were looking for a relationship or for love, they would try to write something that gives the other person a clue about ANYTHING. not something like "i love to laugh"..

[GivenUp0083]

I've done Online Dating for almost 3 years (on and off), various sites used, met dozens of women, had a couple relationships, hook ups, FWB's, friends that resulted from my efforts.

 

Early on I had gotten anxiety attacks because I over-analyzed dating to the point where I had high expectations of being in a relationship with the women I met and liked and I was so worried about shooting myself in the foot and trying to figure out if they liked me or not. I saw a therapist and fixed all of that after just a few sessions.

 

Here's my insight on Online Dating:

 

Going on a dating site isn't a guarantee you'll meet someone or land dates. It's just like approaching a random woman at a bar, coffee shot, public event. If the women you are pursuing are very physically attractive, or even have a very well written profile, there will be high demand for them. All you can do is make a little effort to try and differentiate yourself in the initial contact stage. Try not to take it too seriously at first. Have some fun with it, don't have any expectations. Use OLD as option to meet women in addition to other avenues of meeting people. I personally look for certain traits that are important to me, particularly "nice girls", friendly, kind, smart, positive attitude. Pay no mind to the whiners and the negativity. If I think a woman has listed demands or expectations I just move on. They aren't worth an email. Also, there's no way to play this whole OLD thing, there's no rules, there's no right or wrong way, just do what you are comfortable with and make sure you are kind, honest, and respectful when making decisions. You will find that being true to yourself and keeping others feelings in mind goes a long way.

[serial muse]

I've done Online Dating for almost 3 years (on and off), various sites used, met dozens of women, had a couple relationships, hook ups, FWB's, friends that resulted from my efforts.

 

Early on I had gotten anxiety attacks because I over-analyzed dating to the point where I had high expectations of being in a relationship with the women I met and liked and I was so worried about shooting myself in the foot and trying to figure out if they liked me or not. I saw a therapist and fixed all of that after just a few sessions.

 

Here's my insight on Online Dating:

 

Going on a dating site isn't a guarantee you'll meet someone or land dates. It's just like approaching a random woman at a bar, coffee shot, public event. If the women you are pursuing are very physically attractive, or even have a very well written profile, there will be high demand for them. All you can do is make a little effort to try and differentiate yourself in the initial contact stage. Try not to take it too seriously at first. Have some fun with it, don't have any expectations. Use OLD as option to meet women in addition to other avenues of meeting people. I personally look for certain traits that are important to me, particularly "nice girls", friendly, kind, smart, positive attitude. Pay no mind to the whiners and the negativity. If I think a woman has listed demands or expectations I just move on. They aren't worth an email. Also, there's no way to play this whole OLD thing, there's no rules, there's no right or wrong way, just do what you are comfortable with and make sure you are kind, honest, and respectful when making decisions. You will find that being true to yourself and keeping others feelings in mind goes a long way.

 

This is great.

 

I think the problem is often that people come to online dating as an act of desperation - meaning that by the time they decide to do it, they are feeling so anxious that they also place unreasonably high expectations on it as a mode of finding someone. And really, it's just another way of meeting people.

 

I do think age matters; I didn't do it until I was in my 30s, and while I got my share of pervy emails, most of the emails I got were from thoughtful people in their 30s and 40s who were genuinely trying to find the right person. And I met some great guys - including my now-fiance.

 

I didn't use a paying site, by the way, to answer the other question, but things might be different now; my experiences are from the pre-OKCupid era. I have a (male) friend (in his 20s) who has met a number of women through OKCupid, and it does seem like they tend to be less serious about the whole thing. That's probably largely because of age, though.

[Scottdmw]

It depends.

 

I would say that in the age range of 20-35 women on average take it significantly less seriously than men, in the sense of putting in less effort.

 

I think that both genders, unless they read the forums a lot, don't have a very good conception of what things are like for the other online. This is worsened by the fact that both men and women spend a lot of their time chasing the very most attractive partners online, and taking their experiences from that and generalizing it to everyone.

 

Based on my own experience and that of a number of other men, I know it's completely possible for a man to be attractive, with a lot going for him, able to get dates in other venues, who spends time carefully reading women's profiles and writing thoughtful responses, yet still has a very poor response rate online. This is partly due to the fact that the ratios are tilted against him.

 

I think it's also due to the fact that most women in this age range get a lot of messages, and they will often respond only to a few from the men they consider to be most attractive. What they don't understand is that those men are e-mailing dozens of other women and getting responses from them as well. Those highly attractive men then proceed to date a number of women at the same time, while each of those women believes she may be the only one. The highly attractive men get relatively easy sex, the women get relatively easy dates but rarely a relationship.

 

Whether any of that's true or not, just be aware that as a man in your 20s and 30s online dating is not going to be particularly easy unless you are in the top 5-10% of male attractiveness (meaning not just looks but the whole package women look for).

[El Brujo]

many women take it seriously. Not everyone is just looking for sex. you can kinda sort them out by they profiles.

 

sometimes that simply isn't possible because many women don't put any time at all into their profiles. Many just throw out some pretty pictures and write a short profile that says all of the same crap that everyone else says. It always seems "engineered" to appeal to everyone and not turn anyone off.

 

90% of women's profiles say this:

 

I am laid back. I love to have fun. I like to hang out with my friends. I love my family. I am happy dressing up and going to the theatre or dressing down and going to a sports bar. I love to laugh. (this is my favorite) blah, blah, blah

 

So after reading a couple of paragraphs like that for the 100th time, I try to give the benefit of the doubt and realize that not everyone writes creatively, but it's nearly impossible to reference something in a profile like that.

 

I think the women who do this are not really serious. They throw out a generic profile knowing that they will be flooded with responses, but then they complain that guys are sending copy/paste emails. Ladies, if you want to receive serious responses, write a serious, well thought out profile that shows US that you're serious.

 

Been there, done it. Send them a nicely written message, ask them about their likes and dislikes, agree with them about things they put in their profiles, and guess what? They will almost always just delete your message, or read it and not have the courtesy to write back, even if it's to say "sorry, but I don't think you and I are compatible, so best of luck to you". That shows me they're not serious.

 

Plus a lot of OLDS's need $$ for you or they won't let you send messages to the other members... this tells me not only are the women on those sites not serious, but they are also irresponsible with money.

 

women who don't put an effort on creating and writing a profile that reflects their true interests are not serious. if they really were looking for a relationship or for love, they would try to write something that gives the other person a clue about ANYTHING. not something like "i love to laugh"..

 

That is very true. I love to laugh too, but just sitting around laughing at my own jokes will not attract women or anyone else.

 

Judging from all the behavior I've seen from singles over the years (and I'm talking offline meetups, not just online), people are having a lot of trouble accepting that women are going to have to break the ice as often as men do. Technology itself doesn't care who's male and who's female.

 

It amuses me how a lot of women complain that they get hit on by jerks and pervs but not by decent guys... all I can say to that is ladies, if you want to start meeting the quality guys, you need to do a little breaking through. That shy guy who nobody wants to dance with might be a creep, or he might be a guy who treats you better than he treats himself.

 

But unless you say to heck with the rules, and break the ice with him, you'll never know, and you'll be stuck getting hit on by jerks. Times have changed, this isn't the 1950s.

[Calutaxi484]

From my own experience, it isn't about writing nice thorough emails. It's about writing interesting and fun emails.

If you yourself have some fun with it, chances are it'll be a better experience. I typically go a few weeks without sending out emails, and then I'll send a few out at a time ( emails first contacting someone).

 

I get a decent amount of replies because of how I write my emails. Granted sometimes the responses are boring and I don't actually respond to someone I was initially interested in.

 

I'll find something clever to say, or in most cases I find a way to make fun of them about something. The second type took a LONG time to get right. It's very easy for someone to mistake you having some fun with you being critical.

 

I honestly don't even ask them a ton of questions about their interests or anything. Most of the time that's right there on the profile,and that's what coffee dates are for (I don't do dinner for first dates usually).

 

I stopped sending out the thanks but no thanks emails as a basic courtesy, I think many women have for the exact same reason. You'll get a lot of people that get antagonistic about it.

[Cypress25]

I mean I think it's fairly obvious that the most attractive people don't want relationships. When I see a gorgeous woman I automatically (and correctly) assume she's not looking for a serious relationship. I would hope women would think the same about men.

 

That's not true. Just because someone is attractive doesn't mean they're not interested in genuine intimacy and emotional connections. You're probably thinking like a guy here, because a lot of men would rather have no-strings-attached sex than put effort into a relationship. And if they're attractive, they can get away with it. But most women would rather have sex within the context of an emotionally fulfilling relationship, whether they're attractive or not. In general, women don't see relationships as a burden; they see relationships as a pleasure. That doesn't change just because they're pretty. Gorgeous women have feelings too, you know.