analogman Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I was dating this girl for a little over 4 months. The first 3 months were amazing. We did everything together and loved every minute of our time together. At the 3 month mark, she told that she wanted some "alone time". I was surprised since she hadn't given me any indication she was feeling overwhelmed. She told me it wasn't just me; she needed alone time from everyone to recharge (typical introvert). I gave her space, but from that point on, our relationship felt different. She said I changed, and I did, fearing that I wasn't giving her enough space. For the last month, our relationship became an emotional roller-coaster. She felt distant then close. She didn't seem excited to see me, but called me every day. At the time, she told me she was really stressed with work, etc. I felt myself going crazy -- Does she want to be with me? What's going on in her head? She told me not to worry and that she loved me and wanted to be with me. Last weekend, she came up to stay with me to celebrate my mother's birthday. She wanted to bring a present, so we went out and bought flowers. During the entire weekend she was fine and my parents agreed, saying that I must be oversensitive. On Tuesday night, I stayed at her house. We drank wine, watched a movie and laughed, but she wasn't initiating any physical contact and things felt off again. When we went to bed, I asked her if she was OK. If we were OK. She said that something's wrong, but she doesn't know what it is and she started to cry (which I'd never seen and she told me never happens). She explained that she feels depressed about life in general - work, money, her enormous student loans, the terrible weather on its way, etc. I asked if it had anything to do with me and she said she wasn't sure. She was never good at verbalizing her feelings. It was late and she wanted to go to sleep before coming to any resolution. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep at all. I was thinking the worst. I had a terrible feeling in my gut. In the morning, I asked if she's still committed to a relationship and she said she "I don't know what to say". Then, after sitting in silence for a few minutes she said "I'm not sure I love you". I was shocked. I didn't know what to say besides "I guess that answers the question". I got up and started to pack my things. I left and haven't communicated with her since. I know I can't make her love me, but do you think she's just overwhelmed right now and giving her few days will help her think things through? I love her very much and want desperately for things to work. I'm having a very hard time not contacting her, since we didn't talk much before I left. What should I do???
FrustratedStandards Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I honestly think she's just not into you anymore. It's not that she needs space, she's just getting sick of you, or you're spending too much time and she's losing interest. I say give her all the time she needs, and stop caring so much, because you're only going to make it worse for yourself. Explore your other options. (Take it from me, when I distance myself from a guy, it's cuz i'm not into him anymore, otherwise I don't ask for "alone time").
iJester Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Cease all contact. She will definitely be back, and I bet it takes less than two weeks. When she contacts you, let her know that you're in a relationship or not, and if not, she is not to contact you for any reason.
Author analogman Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Cease all contact. She will definitely be back, and I bet it takes less than two weeks. When she contacts you, let her know that you're in a relationship or not, and if not, she is not to contact you for any reason. This sounds great in principal, but she never said anything about breaking up. I just packed my things and left. I haven't heard from her since. I'm so confused right now and holding back from contacting her is driving me absolutely insane!
laotzu Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 This sounds great in principal, but she never said anything about breaking up. I just packed my things and left. I haven't heard from her since. I'm so confused right now and holding back from contacting her is driving me absolutely insane! I would text her once only, and say that when she figures out what she wants "maybe we can talk", or something to that extent. And then I'd leave it alone. I'd make it pretty ambiguous that I would entertain dating her in the future, so she understands you're a man with options, and you don't need her desperately. She's probably not interested, frankly, but still likes you. She just didn't see it leading to marriage, and didn't know how to verbalize that. (Well, I suppose she actually did a pretty good job.) Anyway, you're in a tough spot. You've been rejected, so just start healing. Three - four months isn't that long - you'll be over it quickly enough. I'm sorry this happened, though.
Author analogman Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I would text her once only, and say that when she figures out what she wants "maybe we can talk", or something to that extent. And then I'd leave it alone. I'd make it pretty ambiguous that I would entertain dating her in the future, so she understands you're a man with options, and you don't need her desperately. She's probably not interested, frankly, but still likes you. She just didn't see it leading to marriage, and didn't know how to verbalize that. (Well, I suppose she actually did a pretty good job.) Anyway, you're in a tough spot. You've been rejected, so just start healing. Three - four months isn't that long - you'll be over it quickly enough. I'm sorry this happened, though. The strangest thing was that she was the one saying we should get married, move in together, etc only a few weeks before things went south. I never mentioned a single thing about the future. I think the main issue was that I was always there for her -- too available -- and diminished my value. I think I'll try to wait it out for a few more days. I'd really like her to make the first move, but there are so things I'd like to say, which I didn't have a chance to before I left and she may feel like I'm totally done....which I guess could be a good thing? While 3-4 months doesn't sound like a long time, I never felt this way before and I've had multiple LTRs, including marriage. She's amazing except for the fact that she can't express her feelings at all. I just wonder how long she would have let things go on without me prying it out of her.
laotzu Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 The strangest thing was that she was the one saying we should get married, move in together, etc only a few weeks before things went south. What's the possibility that there's someone else? Be rational. I had someone who was obsessing over me for a much longer period (~3 years) suddenly go cold and be unsure of the future, and - sure enough - it was because something new and flashy entered the scene. Unexpected and uncertain emotional changes are usually the result of something, and often it's a something that those of us interpreting the actions aren't privy to. Particularly if she's withdrawn physical and emotional intimacy, it may be a guilt response/reaction (here's to you, Otto R!) because of something she knows, and you don't. I'm not trying to stress you out, just adding a perspective.
Author analogman Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 What's the possibility that there's someone else? Be rational. I had someone who was obsessing over me for a much longer period (~3 years) suddenly go cold and be unsure of the future, and - sure enough - it was because something new and flashy entered the scene. Unexpected and uncertain emotional changes are usually the result of something, and often it's a something that those of us interpreting the actions aren't privy to. Particularly if she's withdrawn physical and emotional intimacy, it may be a guilt response/reaction (here's to you, Otto R!) because of something she knows, and you don't. I'm not trying to stress you out, just adding a perspective. I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I asked and she said no way (not that this means there isn't). Also, we had great sex only a few days before and I doubt she would have done that or gone to dinner with my parents. I don't think she really had the intention of ending things. I think I made it happen by forcing her to tell me how she felt about us.
KathyM Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I think there's two possibilities why she is asking for more space and not sure about her feelings for you: 1. She thinks there is something missing in your relationship, so she's not sure you are the right one and feels very ambivalent about you. There may not be some other guy in the picture. In fact, I doubt it, but I could be wrong. I think she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she also doesn't want to lead you on and she's afraid of making a mistake by progressing in the relationship with you, so she feels stuck. She doesn't want to lose you, but yet she doesn't want to commit herself to you because she's not sure you have a future together. Most people, when they are in love with someone or have a strong attachment for someone, they want to spend as much time as possible with that person. I'd say she's not sure how she feels and is afraid of making a mistake by continuing with you. 2. One other possibility is that she's mildly depressed. If she's feeling overwhelmed with her job, her finances and her life, and her relationship with you, she may be going through a mild depression and should see a psychologist for it. A psychologist could help her sort through her feelings, and get her on medication if she needs it. My nephew's wife went through a depression when they were dating and was acting irrational. When she went on medication, she was like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she was happy, energetic, and positive. They've been happily married now for six years. So it is possible that this is because of a mild depression. Before throwing away what could be a great relationship, it might be helpful for her to see a psychologist and sort out her feelings. I know her finances are tight, but it might not take more than one visit. I'd go that route and see if that makes a difference before throwing in the towel on the relationship. If her only concerns were about you and the relationship, I'd say it's time to take some space apart, but since she expressed all these other concerns about work, finances, etc., she may just be depressed. I'd suggest the first step would be to suggest she see a counselor to help her sort out her feelings and in case she is having a mild depression and feeling overwhelmed.
Author analogman Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I think there's two possibilities why she is asking for more space and not sure about her feelings for you: 1. She thinks there is something missing in your relationship, so she's not sure you are the right one and feels very ambivalent about you. There may not be some other guy in the picture. In fact, I doubt it, but I could be wrong. I think she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she also doesn't want to lead you on and she's afraid of making a mistake by progressing in the relationship with you, so she feels stuck. She doesn't want to lose you, but yet she doesn't want to commit herself to you because she's not sure you have a future together. Most people, when they are in love with someone or have a strong attachment for someone, they want to spend as much time as possible with that person. I'd say she's not sure how she feels and is afraid of making a mistake by continuing with you. 2. One other possibility is that she's mildly depressed. If she's feeling overwhelmed with her job, her finances and her life, and her relationship with you, she may be going through a mild depression and should see a psychologist for it. A psychologist could help her sort through her feelings, and get her on medication if she needs it. My nephew's wife went through a depression when they were dating and was acting irrational. When she went on medication, she was like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she was happy, energetic, and positive. They've been happily married now for six years. So it is possible that this is because of a mild depression. Before throwing away what could be a great relationship, it might be helpful for her to see a psychologist and sort out her feelings. I know her finances are tight, but it might not take more than one visit. I'd go that route and see if that makes a difference before throwing in the towel on the relationship. If her only concerns were about you and the relationship, I'd say it's time to take some space apart, but since she expressed all these other concerns about work, finances, etc., she may just be depressed. I'd suggest the first step would be to suggest she see a counselor to help her sort out her feelings and in case she is having a mild depression and feeling overwhelmed. She did mention being very depressed and isolated before we met. She said when she met me "I pulled her out it", but now it's back. I recommended talking with a counselor, but she resisted due to finances. She's also very introverted. The only time she'll talk about things is when she's had a few drinks. I know she has plans tonight and tomorrow night with a couple of her girlfriends (whom I get along with great). I can only hope they help her feel better!
KathyM Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 She did mention being very depressed and isolated before we met. She said when she met me "I pulled her out it", but now it's back. I recommended talking with a counselor, but she resisted due to finances. She's also very introverted. The only time she'll talk about things is when she's had a few drinks. I know she has plans tonight and tomorrow night with a couple of her girlfriends (whom I get along with great). I can only hope they help her feel better! If they do, it would be temporary. If she really is going through a depression, and it sounds like that may be the case, she really does need some help. Maybe her parents could give her a little money for that first appointment. It may only take one appointment to get her on track. My nephew's gf was dirt poor, but I think my nephew paid for her appointment. I think she needs to see someone and you should try to figure out with her how she can get the money for it. We're probably just talking about $100 to $150 for a one hour appt. That may be enough for her. Might be worth a try. Some counselors provide counseling on a sliding fee schedule, based on ability to pay. You may want to check on that.
Author analogman Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Well, I decided to send her a txt last night. Basically, I said, "Things happened so quickly the other day. Maybe we can talk?" She replied about 30 mins later saying that she was hanging out with her girlfriend and that she would call me tomorrow (today). I guess that this is probably a good sign, but I'm trying to not to get my hopes up. When she calls, I basically want to tell her that I know she's got a lot going on right now and that I'm here for her. I also want to see if she really thinks it's over.
laotzu Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Let us know how it turns out. It sounds to me as though she's checking out, so I'd be interested to know the outcome. I don't think it's depression (I'm excellent at diagnosing these things over the internet - ha) it seems to me as though she's decided she wants to be single, either just for the hell of it, or because there's someone else she may be interested in. I hope for your sake she just wants a little space, and there's a white picket fence and decades of silent passive-aggressiveness in your future.
Author analogman Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Well, we talked and she said she thinks the break up is "for the best". Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I did pretty much expect it. Now, I'm trying to get her out of mind and move on. I've been NC since 10/8. It's been a rough time, but is getting a little better day by day. It's just crazy how she could go from professing her love for me to ending things in just a couple weeks. That's what I'm struggling to wrap my head around now.
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