Are you susceptible?

[Circular]

In reading a lot of threads lately both here and in the infidelity forum I've noticed a recurring pattern how WS sometimes relapse; 2, 5, 10, 20 years later and it's made me ask myself a hard question about how susceptible I am to a potential recurrence/relapse of the A.

 

If I'm completely honest with myself as hard as it is to say I'd say I'm susceptible, I might not show it outwardly, matter of fact in the LC I have with xMW she probably thinks I'm a jack-ss, yet she still pops me a very simple, just friendly (no flirting, no past references, etc..) short note every few months, and vice-versa on a few occasions. I try to convince myself that I'm not, but in some ways given the right circumstances, timing, etc... there's that existing bond, familiarity, etc... so it's potential. In my head it validates the 'addiction' theory but I don't think that's limited to A's only I think with enough time almost any past relationship is susceptible.

 

So it made me wonder how honest everyone is with themselves about this, for those that are no longer in the A. Given a mixture of circumstances, would you be susceptible?

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not a previous WS, but I think everyone is susceptible. Especially if the reasons for the affair were never truly addressed.

 

Not doing something simply because its considered wrong by others is one thing. Not doing something because you've worked out for yourself why its not the best solution for you personally is much better.

 

Do you think you are susceptible to an affair with the xMW or with a new partner?

[Circular]

I'm not a previous WS, but I think everyone is susceptible. Especially if the reasons for the affair were never truly addressed.

 

Not doing something simply because its considered wrong by others is one thing. Not doing something because you've worked out for yourself why its not the best solution for you personally is much better.

 

Do you think you are susceptible to an affair with the xMW or with a new partner?

 

Only with xMW because of the bond that's there. As contradictory as it sounds I'd never have an A again, I'd avoid getting near that situation at all costs. Problem is, once you have that bond it's a 'hole'.

[ladydesigner]

In reading a lot of threads lately both here and in the infidelity forum I've noticed a recurring pattern how WS sometimes relapse; 2, 5, 10, 20 years later and it's made me ask myself a hard question about how susceptible I am to a potential recurrence/relapse of the A.

 

If I'm completely honest with myself as hard as it is to say I'd say I'm susceptible, I might not show it outwardly, matter of fact in the LC I have with xMW she probably thinks I'm a jack-ss, yet she still pops me a very simple, just friendly (no flirting, no past references, etc..) short note every few months, and vice-versa on a few occasions. I try to convince myself that I'm not, but in some ways given the right circumstances, timing, etc... there's that existing bond, familiarity, etc... so it's potential. In my head it validates the 'addiction' theory but I don't think that's limited to A's only I think with enough time almost any past relationship is susceptible.

 

So it made me wonder how honest everyone is with themselves about this, for those that are no longer in the A. Given a mixture of circumstances, would you be susceptible?

 

I guess most would consider Ws's susceptible. At this point I am going to say that I am not susceptible. I didn't realize how poor my boundaries were at the time before my A started, but do now. I no longer allow close friendships to develop with the opposite sex. I do not have any male friends except my H's friends and I have very strong boundaries with them as they have with me. My H, I think, still has blurry boundaries. I believe he is susceptible. I do not think he realizes how important it is. I do not fully trust my H, but I am not going to let that affect my decisions or boundaries in regards to having an affair.

 

If my XOM were to contact me today I believe I would not falter on NC. I am dead serious about becoming a healthier person and making myself happy regardless of what is going on around me. I will not look to another man, including my H, to make me feel good about myself it's just not necessary anymore.

[East7]

I am not a WS either, but I understand your point.

 

First thing I notice is that you aren't totally over your xMW (I don't judge you) which validates the addiction theory.

 

Second, maybe you are not fulfilled in your current M which creates a void for memories.

 

Third, all the A leave a taste of what-could-have-been, lots of what-ifs which are the harder feelings to get rid of.

 

Everytime my xMW would come back breaking NC there was that familiarity of communication and connection comming back. It felt like we never stopped talking. I may sound too romantic but I believe that people who have a special thing they always find the connection even years after. It is like a built-in attraction for that person.

 

As for the recurrence of the A, I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, it depends on 2 factors : how have you learned to keep boundaries and how the issues of your M have been addressed and fixed after the A. If the M is not any better, yes it may happen again.

[Summer Breeze]

I am 100% susceptible to the man but not the A.

 

If he came to me and was free I couldn't resist him. The A ended when I started to sincerely want more and know it wouldn't happen. I couldn't step back into that no matter how much I love him. Because I love myself more than him.

[Spark1111]

I am not a WS either, but I understand your point.

 

First thing I notice is that you aren't totally over your xMW (I don't judge you) which validates the addiction theory.

 

Second, maybe you are not fulfilled in your current M which creates a void for memories.

 

Third, all the A leave a taste of what-could-have-been, lots of what-ifs which are the harder feelings to get rid of.

 

Everytime my xMW would come back breaking NC there was that familiarity of communication and connection comming back. It felt like we never stopped talking. I may sound too romantic but I believe that people who have a special thing they always find the connection even years after. It is like a built-in attraction for that person.

 

As for the recurrence of the A, I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, it depends on 2 factors : how have you learned to keep boundaries and how the issues of your M have been addressed and fixed after the A. If the M is not any better, yes it may happen again.

 

I think this is a great post!

 

I believe what causes a reoccurrence is that an affair ALWAYS remains unrequited.....sigh.....

 

You never had normal. You will never know normal in the end of of an affair. It will always be "what if".... You will ALWAYS want more than anything what you could not have. That's human nature.

 

Statistically, if you do wind up with your AP, you may be one of the lucky 3 out of 100 who makes it long-term.

 

But for all others who have unlimited access to their love interest, intense attraction lasts about 2 years. Then the rose-colored glasses come off. You see warts and faults and all. You pay bills together, divide household chores, negotiate holidays and in-laws like ever other couple. Argue. Grow too tired for sex. Deal with illness and bad-breath and watching tv on the couch instead of fooling around.

 

It's reality and it happens to everyone long-term.

 

But in an affair, you always have the drama, the excitement, the anticipation, hot sex, and constant emotional outpourings.

 

You never reach stage two. It may actually disappoint you. It actually disillusions 97 out of 100 who DO get to finally be together.

[Circular]

I am not a WS either, but I understand your point.

 

First thing I notice is that you aren't totally over your xMW (I don't judge you) which validates the addiction theory.

 

Second, maybe you are not fulfilled in your current M which creates a void for memories.

 

Third, all the A leave a taste of what-could-have-been, lots of what-ifs which are the harder feelings to get rid of.

 

Everytime my xMW would come back breaking NC there was that familiarity of communication and connection comming back. It felt like we never stopped talking. I may sound too romantic but I believe that people who have a special thing they always find the connection even years after. It is like a built-in attraction for that person.

 

As for the recurrence of the A, I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, it depends on 2 factors : how have you learned to keep boundaries and how the issues of your M have been addressed and fixed after the A. If the M is not any better, yes it may happen again.

 

Oh, I fully admit I'm still working on it.

 

Some of this question comes from a conversation I had with an ex of mine from my early college days. We talk on occasion, my W knows her. A few years ago she told me about an A that she had, she talked to me about it because she knows I'm not judgmental. Anyway in a recent conversation she mentioned that this xAP got a hold of her and she thought she was over him, would never consider it again, but she found herself ruminating on it and was surprised what was coming up for her. So that, with the threads I see her quite often got me wondering about relapse.

 

But my experience so far concurs with what you and Spark have said. And believe it or not I do see some of xMWs warts and issues, which is a good state for me. I was wondering though how many people truly feel they're being honest with themselves when they say "I would never go near him/her again?" what if proximity changed, for example you found yourself working with this person again? It's the flaw I see in NC.

[heartinlove]

Your posts are very thoughtful.

 

I am curious and have a question for you. If you were 100% sure that the children involved would continue to thrive after a divorce would you choose to be with your XOW and would she have chosen you?

 

I really do believe a lot of times why people stay together is because they feel its best for the children. It sounds like you have a decent marriage but not whole enough to keep you thinking about the what if's. I think thats a big part to your susceptibility. Most people from what I've read who completely recover from an affair and reconnect to their spouses do so because they truly believe they made a mistake in the affair and really want to be with their spouse not the AP. There are a few examples of posters on here like Spark who's spouse fits that description. I don't get that feeling from your posts. My feeling is that if everything could have worked out with the children, and if you knew your spouse would be able to move on happily, you would have chosen the AP. Am I wrong?

 

I also don't buy into the addiction theory espoused by so many for all affairs. I certainly think that many affairs fall into that category and it is an addiction rather than a true love. But there are some affairs where people simply find the right person for them. Especially those that start as best friends which yours did as did mine. My MM and I have spoken about this and we both feel the addiction theory doesn't apply to us as even if we don't speak for the next year we would still have the same connection and love we have now. He does have a big choice as to what the right choice is for his children, and that is yet to be made, but he is clear that if it were just about his heart, we would be together. We are also both clear this is the first and last affair either of us will ever have. We're not advocates for affairs. But after knowing that kind of love, how do you go back to what was, or maybe you never really do.

 

I also wouldn't buy into the 3% statistic. Plenty of long term relationships start as affairs, but people don't always admit that. I know of 4 very long term happy couples that started as affairs. Even if you look at celebrity culture where relationships have a short shelf life, some of the longest seemingly happiest couples started as affairs. Paul Newman- Joanne Woodward, Sting and his wife and many others. From what i read they aren't particularly proud that there relationships started as affairs, but sometimes you meet the right person when you are committed to someone else. I'm sure there are many, many more happy couples who started from an affair but no one knows. I just think its so taboo in our culture and there's such a stigma against it, that no one wants to admit it and be labeled a cheater.

 

Im looking forward to your response.

[East7]

..And believe it or not I do see some of xMWs warts and issues, which is a good state for me. I was wondering though how many people truly feel they're being honest with themselves when they say "I would never go near him/her again?".

 

The problem is not seeing or not the warts. I am fully conscious of my xMW shortcomings, still my feelings haven't changed. The trust, that has changed a lot.

 

So to answer your question : What it life changed circumstances would you consider her again?

 

I admit I would be vulnerable and I am almost sure the old feelings will rekindle. What I am not sure of, is if would I trust her again. The trust is gone with the bus accident..

[fooled once]

In reading a lot of threads lately both here and in the infidelity forum I've noticed a recurring pattern how WS sometimes relapse; 2, 5, 10, 20 years later and it's made me ask myself a hard question about how susceptible I am to a potential recurrence/relapse of the A.

 

If I'm completely honest with myself as hard as it is to say I'd say I'm susceptible, I might not show it outwardly, matter of fact in the LC I have with xMW she probably thinks I'm a jack-ss, yet she still pops me a very simple, just friendly (no flirting, no past references, etc..) short note every few months, and vice-versa on a few occasions. I try to convince myself that I'm not, but in some ways given the right circumstances, timing, etc... there's that existing bond, familiarity, etc... so it's potential. In my head it validates the 'addiction' theory but I don't think that's limited to A's only I think with enough time almost any past relationship is susceptible.

 

So it made me wonder how honest everyone is with themselves about this, for those that are no longer in the A. Given a mixture of circumstances, would you be susceptible?

 

Me? No. Not even remotely. The man I had been involved with tried several times within the first 3 years after we ended to start back up with promises of changes, etc. Never once did I actually ever consider it. When I am done, I am done. Just ask my ex husband :laugh::laugh:

 

And since marrying my H 13+ years ago, never once have I ever thought of cheating on him. He is what I want; even when he makes me want to pull HIS hair out

[mzdolphin]

I am 100% susceptible to the man but not the A.

 

If he came to me and was free I couldn't resist him. The A ended when I started to sincerely want more and know it wouldn't happen. I couldn't step back into that no matter how much I love him. Because I love myself more than him.

 

Amen!!!!

 

I know I'm susceptible to the man, that's why I had to go no contact. Because his instance on maintaining a friendship was just a way to keep his foot in the door. I'm grateful that he lives in another state so I don't have to worry about running into.

 

I know he would relapse in a heart beat if I let him. In fact I don't think he would have ever ended the affair. Once he even suggested something like Same Time Next Year. I was like "what?"

[Circular]

Your posts are very thoughtful.

 

I am curious and have a question for you. If you were 100% sure that the children involved would continue to thrive after a divorce would you choose to be with your XOW and would she have chosen you?

 

I really do believe a lot of times why people stay together is because they feel its best for the children. It sounds like you have a decent marriage but not whole enough to keep you thinking about the what if's. I think thats a big part to your susceptibility. Most people from what I've read who completely recover from an affair and reconnect to their spouses do so because they truly believe they made a mistake in the affair and really want to be with their spouse not the AP. There are a few examples of posters on here like Spark who's spouse fits that description. I don't get that feeling from your posts. My feeling is that if everything could have worked out with the children, and if you knew your spouse would be able to move on happily, you would have chosen the AP. Am I wrong?

 

I think this is a fairly accurate summary of the situation. And yes you are correct. Though, I will add that it's been over 18 months since I walked away from the A. I have to accept things for what they are, that's the reality, that was my choice, and xMW and I were on the same page as to why I walked away and she agreed as we had talked about it already many times.

 

During the time post-A I have been making an effort and headway with my M and things have been steadily improving. But, even with that headway and those changes there are still those pangs that I'm dealing with regularly, so I post a question like this to understand what I feel to understand it better, what I'm not seeing that I need to see. There's still a lot of getting my mind to look at it objectively and see it for what it is/was. I hadn't ever had that experience with another person; the friendship, the connection, bond and chemistry, etc... it's hard to let go of something that happens rarely if ever with another person.

 

Thing is I do love her and I want her to be a good mom for her kids, a good role model, someone they can respect and admire. I don't want her to focus on me, I realize now that every moment we were texting, chatting, etc.. were moments taken away from her kids. I don't like that thought, I'm not selfish like that. If the requirement of achieving that excludes me, well then that's what is required.

 

 

I also don't buy into the addiction theory espoused by so many for all affairs. I certainly think that many affairs fall into that category and it is an addiction rather than a true love. But there are some affairs where people simply find the right person for them. Especially those that start as best friends which yours did as did mine. My MM and I have spoken about this and we both feel the addiction theory doesn't apply to us as even if we don't speak for the next year we would still have the same connection and love we have now. He does have a big choice as to what the right choice is for his children, and that is yet to be made, but he is clear that if it were just about his heart, we would be together. We are also both clear this is the first and last affair either of us will ever have. We're not advocates for affairs. But after knowing that kind of love, how do you go back to what was, or maybe you never really do.

I agree with this and I would say xMW and I fit that same category. But, sometimes you have to accept that love isn't enough (as talked about in another post) there are many things to consider. I think the kids thing is a major consideration, I know this from first hand experience growing up. Our connection will be/is timeless, I already know that from a period of time we spent apart while we were friends. It's just there, unless of course one of you is intentionally working against it.

 

I think your situation parallels closely to mine and you can understand the complexity. I take refuge in the thought that if it's meant to be then things will come to be. Though I don't mention it much here I am working on my M, I am trying to understand myself better so I can be a much-improved H, things are steadily improving and I'm learning to let go and get in the frame of appreciating the moments I had and learning from them moving forward.

[heartinlove]

I am curious if your wife was ever aware of the affair? It doesn't sound like it from your posts. I think its incredibly difficult to have an experience like yours and then try and integrate back into your life and not share any of it with your wife. At this stage though after 18 months of being able to move on on your own though, most would argue that sharing any of it would only hurt your wife and would create more difficulties in the marriage. I wonder though if thats part of what is making it difficult for you, is that you had a whole other life that your wife has no awareness of, and you have ongoing emotions that you are not able to share with your wife. I think part of creating that sense of connection with another person comes when you feel you can be fully transparent. Maybe something for you to think about. Do you feel her not knowing is hindering your connection? Or are the reasons you don't fully connect entirely unrelated. I know for MM and I, he decided that he needed to tell the whole truth to either stay in marriage or if he decided to leave the marriage.

 

I applaud your selflessness and your choice given she has young children. I completely and wholeheartedly understand how difficult the choice was and how difficult it was to follow through with. MM and I tried so many times to let go of each other for the same reasons you described. We tried to be bigger than our love and to think of others. We both asked ourselves the question is it better to live an authentic life or is it better to sacrifice your truth if you feel its better for your children. And which one really is best for the children. When we realized no matter how many times we let go, we kept coming back to each other, he decided the truth needed come out. That sense of feeling like your best friend has died I completely relate to. I know that if MM stays in the marriage he and I will both experience that same thing and have spoken about it.

 

It sounds like the connection that you and XOW have is timeless and who knows what the future holds. At the same time, I wonder if thats fair to your wife for you to have these kind of feelings and not tell her. It is something that MM and I struggled throughout the affair. How much of the truth do you tell. In the end he decided to tell the whole truth and now I can see that was the right decision all along. Yes its painful, and thats an understatement. But it allows everyone an even playing field to make choices with full awareness. To do this was terrifying to him though. His children are older, but the thought for him of not living with them full time and putting them through a divorce is beyond scary for him.

 

Alot to sit with. Your situation is probably the most similar to mine than any of the other posters I have read about, especially how you have approached it. I may be in your shoes one day as I don't know the ultimate outcome in my situation, but I know I'd be having alot of the same feelings and thoughts that you are having.

[datingSeparatedM]

Only with xMW because of the bond that's there. As contradictory as it sounds I'd never have an A again, I'd avoid getting near that situation at all costs. Problem is, once you have that bond it's a 'hole'.

 

"Once you have that bond, it's a hole." Well said!

[wannabdone]

"Once you have that bond, it's a hole." Well said!

 

 

Absolutely!!! That is a perfect quote.

 

I think anyone who has had an A and truly loved the other M/W, is able to go back, given that the perfect storm arises for it.

 

I love my XMM, till the day I die. But, I do not love what I went through and what I did.

[Circular]

I am curious if your wife was ever aware of the affair? It doesn't sound like it from your posts. I think its incredibly difficult to have an experience like yours and then try and integrate back into your life and not share any of it with your wife. At this stage though after 18 months of being able to move on on your own though, most would argue that sharing any of it would only hurt your wife and would create more difficulties in the marriage. I wonder though if thats part of what is making it difficult for you, is that you had a whole other life that your wife has no awareness of, and you have ongoing emotions that you are not able to share with your wife. I think part of creating that sense of connection with another person comes when you feel you can be fully transparent. Maybe something for you to think about. Do you feel her not knowing is hindering your connection? Or are the reasons you don't fully connect entirely unrelated. I know for MM and I, he decided that he needed to tell the whole truth to either stay in marriage or if he decided to leave the marriage.

 

No, my wife never found out. And, I understand the repercussions of not telling her and yes that's added to the complexity of me resolving this. Though there are many points of view on this particular topic; divulging the A. I have no plans to tell her, I need to live with my choices and carry their burdens, I do not want to assuage my guilt, and hurting her with the information would negate all the progress we are making. I believe I need to suffer and reconcile this on my own, that's just me. And, I know I will be carrying it a lifetime. I don't feel that not telling her is hindering our connection, the connection issues do have to deal with other things and I'm trying to learn how to be more transparent and open about those particular issues, which has been actually making a big difference. Honestly it's a bit of a catch-22, connecting with xMW really made me see more clearly what those things were.

 

Lastly I'd say I feel obligated to protect xMWs children. Like you and your MM xMW was my friend first, we were very good friends to each other. Regardless of the mess we've created between us I still have much respect for her and if she chooses to tell her H then I will tell my W. But that's a decision I leave with her because the risks are so much higher for her.

 

 

 

I applaud your selflessness and your choice given she has young children. I completely and wholeheartedly understand how difficult the choice was and how difficult it was to follow through with. MM and I tried so many times to let go of each other for the same reasons you described. We tried to be bigger than our love and to think of others. We both asked ourselves the question is it better to live an authentic life or is it better to sacrifice your truth if you feel its better for your children. And which one really is best for the children. When we realized no matter how many times we let go, we kept coming back to each other, he decided the truth needed come out. That sense of feeling like your best friend has died I completely relate to. I know that if MM stays in the marriage he and I will both experience that same thing and have spoken about it.

This could very well become my truth as well, but for now I remain steadfast on the path that I'm on. I used to never believe in fate or that things happen for a reason, this experience fundamentally altered me, it's TMI to go into the details of why but it has. What I can say is what is now, no matter how uncomfortable it is is what needs to be. This is my lesson.

 

It sounds like the connection that you and XOW have is timeless and who knows what the future holds. At the same time, I wonder if thats fair to your wife for you to have these kind of feelings and not tell her. It is something that MM and I struggled throughout the affair. How much of the truth do you tell. In the end he decided to tell the whole truth and now I can see that was the right decision all along. Yes its painful, and thats an understatement. But it allows everyone an even playing field to make choices with full awareness. To do this was terrifying to him though. His children are older, but the thought for him of not living with them full time and putting them through a divorce is beyond scary for him.

At this particular point in time I won't risk what I know would be a major disruption in their lives. It's a bit more complicated and I won't explain why exactly, except I feel the life they have now, regardless of xMW and her H's relationship is the best situation for the children at least for the next few years.

 

Alot to sit with. Your situation is probably the most similar to mine than any of the other posters I have read about, especially how you have approached it. I may be in your shoes one day as I don't know the ultimate outcome in my situation, but I know I'd be having alot of the same feelings and thoughts that you are having.

It's been a difficult process, I've learned a ton, there is a lot more to learn and feel. If I look back at some of my original posts I can see how much I've already changed, there's a lot more change to make but I feel this journey has allowed me to not only understand my situation but really understand what is/was missing inside as well. There are things in my M that I've been able to fix already, and with my friendships as well.

 

It does sound like our A's evolved from a similar situation as you obviously have a very good grasp on why I'm thinking what I am. I wish you the best in your situation, it's been difficult to grieve the loss and LC hasn't helped that but I do feel I'm growing from it every day.

[Gentlegirl]

I would not be open to anything in the future with xMM.

 

Guess I would have been for awhile after his Dday.

 

Then one of my friends saw him on a dating website and he tried to hook her in.

 

That was two weeks after the last email he sent me.

 

He was going to fix things in his life and his marriage and therefore he felt it was kinder for him to say goodbye to me.

 

I now translate that to mean... I am in deep ****. I will smooth it over with the W. I have used you up. You now present a danger to me and I no longer have any use for you. YOu met my selfish needs for 3 years now I will be moving on to somebody who will not threaten my "Mr Upright Citizen" existence.

 

I guess that's what he is doing. I posted a while back about him viewing me on a dating website.

 

So NO, I am absolutely disillusioned about him. God know's why I should be disilliusioned about somebody who strung his wife along for 3 years, but I am.

 

Gentlegirl.