CarrieT Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I just had an interesting phone call from a guy I hooked up with once a long time ago - but we remained friends... He calls now and then just to catch up and we banter about our experiences on various dating sites. We met on Plenty of Fish and he only wants FWB relationships which is why I only saw him once. It was great fun, but not relationship material. In any event, I told him that I have never met a man "organically" in the past 20 years. Meaning, when I was in my 20s, I met and got involved in relationships, but for the pasty twenty years, I have only been able to meet met online. I attend a variety of events; concerts, wine tastings, restaurants openings, art receptions, and whatnot and in twenty years, have never had a guy ask me for my number. They might flirt and make sexual comments about my chest, but I honestly thought it was because I was unattractive and has developed a whole slew of self-confidence issues, but the guy I was talking to told me that it was obvious I was attractive, but came across as TOO CONFIDENT and thereby, unapproachable. This sort of blew me away. I always thought I put forth vibes of wanting and approachability and this guy (who would love to see me again "now that he knows me"), told me something completely opposite to how I saw myself. I'm not sure where I am going with this other than to put it out there. Anyone ever have issues like this?
FrustratedStandards Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Yes! But not "too confident". I have had men tell me that I am attractive and "I know it" therefore men are intimidated and won't approach me. Even though im so laid back and laugh all the time, make jokes etc, men often tell me "You're hot and you know it, thats why its hard for men to approach you". What I got from that was basically that if I am full of myself, then I won't think anyone is good enough for me, so why bother. I don't know why thats unapproachable though. I thought confidence was a good thing.
Professor X Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 It depends, if your confidence is another word to you being full of yourself, than yeah, no-one will approach you, no-one likes cocky people (of whatever gender). It's also a vibe you give, so keep that in mind it's something a bit more subtle. Anyway, being down to earth and flirting back will get men to ask you out; But if you're "to confident" and to serious, chances are no-one will.
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Do you actually drink wine at wine tastings? I find that helps How do you react to men who look you in the eyes and don't make comments about your chest? More importantly, how do you feel about them? Is their a correlation between what you deem to be 'attractive' men and the behaviors most commonly advanced? Note the body language in this picture. You might recognize the lady on the right. At the time I doubt she knew the sociopath she was posing with but, still, she was and is a master of body language. You can, without being overtly sexual in any way, cause a man to feel that you are 'open' to him. I see this all the time with women of all sorts of physical appearances, since I'm friendly to a wide variety of women. IME, there's no correlation between their appearance and how they 'feel' to me, wrt 'openness'. IMO, 'connection' is an elemental first step of any relationship, from friendship to romance. Try relaxing the confidence and feeling more open and vulnerable. It's not a prison sentence. You have the key to the jailhouse.
Cee Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I have no game with online dating, but I'm very approachable in public. I am always curious about people so I strike up chats with anyone around me. I am a naturally smiley person, which people seem to like. I have noticed that women in public often act like they are in their own private bubbles and don't even notice men looking at them. Or flirting with them. I don't think it's about confidence, but being approachable. If you enter into public situations hoping to meet and possibly flirt with people, you'll do okay. Also remember that a guy doesn't do all the work, it is important to flirt, send signals, and even flat out ask about exchanging numbers. All of my relationships have come from non-online stuff and I have had to do a bit of initiating to make it happen. Yeah, I've gotten rejected, but I've also found great love that way too. I like to retell the story of how I got with my boyfriend. We were chatting across the bar and then stopped, but he kept looking at me. I couldn't figure out whether he was interested or I had something on my face. I decided to take a chance and asked him to sit next to me. He came over and that broke the ice. We flirted and then exchanged numbers. He called and asked me on a date and the rest is history.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I have a problem of being unapproachable, but its because I have a problem of not smiling frivilously. So I could be talking to some people, but unless Im laughing, Im not a big smiler. That makes me look unapproachable. Maybe you dont smile as much as you think?
Author CarrieT Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 I thought about it over lunch and I'm thinking it is more the "I'm full of it" persona, without that intention. I do engage in a lot of banter and conversation with people in restaurants and elsewhere, but never seem to make the next step connection. Carhill, is that you with Ms. Sophia???? What I am realizing is that I think I have tried to use intellect to counter my bosom; to push away the Barbie Bimbo syndrome, I became the hyper-intellectual and perhaps scare guys away in that fashion. But at this point in my life, my way of speech and how I come across is fairly well ingrained; not sure I would even know how to go about changing it...
Professor X Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I thought about it over lunch and I'm thinking it is more the "I'm full of it" persona, without that intention. I do engage in a lot of banter and conversation with people in restaurants and elsewhere, but never seem to make the next step connection. Carhill, is that you with Ms. Sophia???? What I am realizing is that I think I have tried to use intellect to counter my bosom; to push away the Barbie Bimbo syndrome, I became the hyper-intellectual and perhaps scare guys away in that fashion. But at this point in my life, my way of speech and how I come across is fairly well ingrained; not sure I would even know how to go about changing it... Just try not to be to serious for starters. If you joke about stuff it will also lower the level of intellect there is in the conversation and will thus appear less frightening.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I thought about it over lunch and I'm thinking it is more the "I'm full of it" persona, without that intention. I do engage in a lot of banter and conversation with people in restaurants and elsewhere, but never seem to make the next step connection. Carhill, is that you with Ms. Sophia???? What I am realizing is that I think I have tried to use intellect to counter my bosom; to push away the Barbie Bimbo syndrome, I became the hyper-intellectual and perhaps scare guys away in that fashion. But at this point in my life, my way of speech and how I come across is fairly well ingrained; not sure I would even know how to go about changing it... You dont have to change your persona, unless you just arent fun, and youre trying to prove you know more than everyone else. How much cleavage do you show? Might have to cover that up completely to avoid the bimbo stuff. But really, I dont think any of that has to do with why guys dont approach you. They dont know your intellect just by looking at you.
Author CarrieT Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 You dont have to change your persona, unless you just arent fun, and youre trying to prove you know more than everyone else. How much cleavage do you show? Might have to cover that up completely to avoid the bimbo stuff. But really, I dont think any of that has to do with why guys dont approach you. They dont know your intellect just by looking at you. I actually show very little cleavage. But they are huge. And, yes, I've considered a reduction but having seen images of scar tissue and what is involved, I'd just rather deal with 'em. Guys DO talk to me and I think I get myself in trouble when I open my mouth... I try to be light and approachable and am probably trying too hard.
GorillaTheater Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I can only speak for myself, but confidence is sexy. Confident and funny? I'd be besides myself. Confident and funny and big boobs? I'd change my religion.
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Carhill, is that you with Ms. Sophia???? Nah, I've only seen her from a distance at the airport. That's Barrett Wissman, of the infamous hedge fund fame. However, the dynamic is a good one as, understandably, many celebs are 'closed' so they don't get accosted in public. Some, over the years, OTOH, can be quite open and friendly upon chance meetings, reflecting their innate style of relating to others. I'm sure you've noted the same in your professional life. People-watching can be a great tutorial.
Kamille Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I had to change a few things about how interacted with men in order to get asked out. The first thing was to be shameless about flirting with them to let them know I liked them (when I did). The second was to be less abrasive-confident and more playful. I was only abrasive confident because I was trying to impress them, but really, (most) men don't want to be impressed, they want to impress. Being playful lets them feel like they're the kings of the world. Note: I fell in love with bf because he also spent a lot of time being playful with me, and not much time trying to impress me.
oaks Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Confident and funny and big boobs? I'd change my religion. :lmao: Nice one!
Hot Chick Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Do you actually drink wine at wine tastings? I find that helps How do you react to men who look you in the eyes and don't make comments about your chest? More importantly, how do you feel about them? Is their a correlation between what you deem to be 'attractive' men and the behaviors most commonly advanced? Note the body language in this picture. You might recognize the lady on the right. At the time I doubt she knew the sociopath she was posing with but, still, she was and is a master of body language. You can, without being overtly sexual in any way, cause a man to feel that you are 'open' to him. I see this all the time with women of all sorts of physical appearances, since I'm friendly to a wide variety of women. IME, there's no correlation between their appearance and how they 'feel' to me, wrt 'openness'. IMO, 'connection' is an elemental first step of any relationship, from friendship to romance. Try relaxing the confidence and feeling more open and vulnerable. It's not a prison sentence. You have the key to the jailhouse. Oh wow. I love Sophia Loren. Who is the psycho she is posing with? I don't know that is...oh ok I just read your other post.
Recommended Posts