Ilmhb3 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Of course each scenario is different, and the individual people involved makes each situation unique, but what do you all think the odds are of a successful marriage after this - Couple is together for 15 years, married for 7.5. Met freshman year in college, with a few separations not totaling more than 2 years. No kids. Rented home, only W on the lease. Separate checking accounts. H meets a woman at work and introduces her to W. The H and co-worker wind up in an affair that leads to them professing their love for each other. During the A, the three spend weekends together, vacation together. 1.5 years into the A, W confronts both H and OW and H is adamant that he does not want to confess to a PA, so both OW and H deny. There are a few other instances where she becomes skeptical, but H reassures her, and she believes/trusts him. The A lasts a total 3.5 years until the W discovers them. H admits to W that he told OW he loves her and the length of the A. After DDay, H says he loves his W and wants to "give it a shot if she's willing", even though he still admits to loving OW. Wants to be "neutral" so even though he admits to loving and thinking about his R with OW, he "has to do this right now" H feels he does not need/want counseling. Any insights based on your experiences as to how this could turn out?
Author Ilmhb3 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 I urge you to stop worrying about their marriage and take care of yourself. Get out of their life. He chose to work on his marriage. Honor that and have a little respect for the woman who was supposed to be your best friend. Stay away. I am absolutely staying away, that is not the question
Owl Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 There are a TON of other variables in here that make it pretty much impossible for a bunch of people on the internet to be able to give you any real kind of "guess" at their odds of success. I think Kristi's comment to you was something to consider. Just asking this question indicates your 'focus' on what's going on with them, rather than working to change that focus onto taking care of yourself, and your OWN recovery after the affair. I don't think we can give you a good answer to your original question...but instead offer suggestions on things that might serve you better to take care of yourself.
freestyle Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 What outcome are you hoping for? Are you hoping enough damage was done the marriage, that you might have a shot with him now? And are you REALLY going to be able to fully trust a man--- who was willing to betray his wife with the woman she believed was her friend? My prediction is that part of you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let's say, hypothetically ---than you win your "prize". The two of you begin a legitimate relationship---which will always have conflicts, eventually. How are you going to feel when he "befriends" a female coworker, and starts spending time with her? You already know that he is fully capable of immense levels of deception. And fully capable of looking elsewhere to have his emotional/physical needs met. With no regard for the damage he could be doing to the person he made a vow to............. You may very well end up learning just how his wife felt.
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 H feels he does not need/want counseling. How does W feel about MC/IC? IMO, they need a plan for recovery and they need to be synergistic in executing that plan. If they are at odds, for example if W wishes MC/IC and H refuses, odds of healthy recovery are less likely. Regardless, healthy recovery could take years, especially considering the depth and length of the inappropriate intimate relationship. If they still love each other at the elemental level, have a plan and are synergistic in executing it, I think their odds of recovery are pretty good.
Author Ilmhb3 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 I understand the need for me to remove myself from the situation, and I have. There will be NC or involvement from me what so ever. That doesn't stop my head from spinning round and round trying to make sense of this whole thing. Had W not found out, he would continue to want to engage in the A. He continues to admit his love for OW. He says he made a mistake, but is not willing to go to counseling? I just don't understand the logic there. I know that I should not be focusing on that, but it's very difficult after so much time being so close.
norajane Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I just don't understand the logic there. I know that I should not be focusing on that Why shouldn't you be focusing on that? You should absolutely be focusing on that. Remove the rose colored glasses and take a good, hard look at the kind of man he is. His behavior and his words are showing you who he really is. MM is selfish. He wants his W to stay with him without him having to lift a finger to address any of the underlying issues within himself and his marriage that created this giant mess in the first place. He is showing he has no respect for anyone but himself. Don't be fooled by "he loves OW". Sure he does. Because OW is easy. Doesn't force him to see himself for who he really is on the inside: an ugly, selfish child. Absolutely look at the logic and the inconsistencies in his logic. And see him for what he is: incapable of a true, honest, loving relationship with anyone.
jnj express Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Hey ilmb---are we sure we ain't talking about you
Author Ilmhb3 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 If he continues telling you he loves you then you have not removed yourself. You are still speaking with him. In the last exchange we had he said that he was indeed in love with me. I have had no contact since and will have no further contact
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 The odds of recovery IMO aren't necessarily substantially higher if a man whose actions show him to be in love with OW chooses NC, but the odds of recovery are likely dismal if he does not choose NC under any circumstances of emotion. It's hard to say goodbye to someone one loves but it can be done. BTDT.
Author Ilmhb3 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 That does not sound like a man in love. A man in love would not be able to go no contact. He would keep you on the hook just in case he could not recover his marriage. He said i love so as not to hurt you further. Well, he has already shown up at my apt twice, and has been logging into my email account, so... I am committing to NC, but he has not explicitly said such. The last conversation was him saying that he loves me but "has to do this right now". That was when I determined there would be NC
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 OP, if you wish to implement healthy NC, read the thread in my signature. Wrt telephone and e-mail, change contact information and/or block him. Don't answer the door. If he won't leave, call the cops. Be serious about this. You're helping him do the healthy thing for his life.
Author Ilmhb3 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Don't protect him. Text his wife and tell her. I'm very tempted, but I don't want to cause her any more pain at this point. I have no idea what is truly going on with them, you know.
Owl Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 YOU wouldn't be causing her anymore pain. HE would be, by lying to her and violating NC. That's not YOUR fault, nor are you responsible for the results of HIS choice to do so. It's HIS fault for violating that. Also...please re-read Carhill's advice...spot on the money as usual.
heartinlove Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Did he ever say he would leave the marriage to be with you? If he could go that many years in an affair and never make plans to be with you legitimately or didn't take any actions in that direction, I would let go and believe he will stay in his marriage. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or won't think about you, but it shows he will not leave his marriage.
Spark1111 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 YOU wouldn't be causing her anymore pain. HE would be, by lying to her and violating NC. That's not YOUR fault, nor are you responsible for the results of HIS choice to do so. It's HIS fault for violating that. Also...please re-read Carhill's advice...spot on the money as usual. So agree! This man is not remorseful. He isn't protecting you or showing concern for her feelings! (My God! She must be devastated!) He is simply doing damage control. He is probably throwing you under the bus to her as he tells you he still loves you. He wants to calm her down and gaslight her while keeping you strung along. He still wants both: A happy home life and a mistress on the side. He doesn't want anyone to know that he is a man who could have an affair with a woman he made become his wife's friend and they all hung out together on weekends. Maybe that was part of the sexual titilation for him; having two women he was screwing hangin out as friends. Yuck! He sounds like a true narcissist. And you want him back.....why? Text his wife and tell her he still says he is in love with you and trying to contact you while trying to make it right with her. Pure lip service, IMO. Like a bad child caught with his hands in the cookie jar, he just doesn't want the world to know and he is trying to keep his wife from shouting her betrayal from the rooftops and telling everyone what a heel he really is. So he is pretending to still want his marriage. Poor, poor woman. How sad NO ONE is telling her the truth. And no offense to you, but why is this all okay with you? Why, oh why, did you ever agree to kindle a friendship with this woman and hang with them every weekend. Grow a backbone and develop some self-respect!
heartinlove Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I just reread your back story. You got a lot of great advice. You need to stop thinking about what he is doing and focus on your life. That all three of you hung out together and the affair went three plus years with no attempt at forcing a choice or telling the truth to his wife is really out there. Also they have no kids. I dont see any reason why no one told his wife the truth. Focus on your healing and move on. He doesn't sound like anyone who had a lot of internal conflict or that was planning on choosing. That speaks volumes. And I agree, his wife must be beyond devastated.
Author Ilmhb3 Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I just reread your back story. You got a lot of great advice. You need to stop thinking about what he is doing and focus on your life. That all three of you hung out together and the affair went three plus years with no attempt at forcing a choice or telling the truth to his wife is really out there. Also they have no kids. I dont see any reason why no one told his wife the truth. Focus on your healing and move on. He doesn't sound like anyone who had a lot of internal conflict or that was planning on choosing. That speaks volumes. And I agree, his wife must be beyond devastated. There were times I asked him to tell her the truth. There were many times I decided I had to end my friendship with her and stop the whole mess. make no mistake about it, I know how awful this was, and I take full responsibility, but MM encouraged the friendship as the A was just starting to heat up. This man told me he wanted me to have his babies and talked about the great life we had together. looking back, I thought he would put me down if he ultimately wasn't willing to exit his marriage, why else would he continue. He knew the risks. In hindsight, my assumption was clearly 100% naive. I'm trying to move on and keep my thoughts on my own business. It's going to take some time to untangle myself.
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