momto3boys Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 i just found out my husband cheated. He wants a divorce and ever since he said he wants a divorce he has treated me like complete dirt. I just found out last night he has been on dating sites,etc. I knew he was probably cheating, i had a gut feeling, i knew. Ive thought this for month but it took for us splitting up for me to find out. Since he has done all this and said he wants a divorce like i said he has treated me like complete dirt! He kept saying he was leaving me because im a b*tch, he has made me feel an inch big, he's made me think this whole time it was me, but its him. I let him know i found out about the pages, and i knew he had been doing this for a while, i put all the pieces together. He claims he just started doing this after he told me he wants a divorce, thats not true because hes been acting sketchy before he even told me he wanted a divorce. Is it normal for those who cheat to treat the other spouse like dirt after they cheat? Do cheaters ever feel bad? I didnt even freak out on him, i just told him i knew about it and that i couldnt believe he had that little of respect for me and our son and our soon to be 2nd son who is due in 8 weeks. Then i said "you couldnt wait til i left and 8 weeks til i have our baby?". He then said "oh theyre just friends i havent done anything". I know he is lying, ive caught him. Before i found out about him doing this i was begging him to work things out, calling and crying and he would laugh and say how much he didnt wanna be with me and made me feel like complete garbage and made me feel like i did something wrong. When i didnt. These past 2 weeks he hasnt been answering my texts or phone calls, but after he knew i found out about the pages he blew up my phone back to back for a good hour, then texted me and said "whats your problem?" Then i never responded and he left me alone.Im not going to do anything to try to screw him over, i think the best revenge is to just leave our house peacefully and ignore him. Allow him to talk to our son when he wants but as for he and i, im not talking to him ever again til we go to court and i have to. I think me not doing anything mean back is gonna hurt worse, im hoping he realizes what he did if i do that. Im moving back to my home state which is 7 hours away from him and i can not wait. Im wondering if when i leave if he'll realize how much of a jerk he is and that its him. I also will feel so empowered if he tries to contact me and i get to treat him how he treated me, ignore his phone calls, etc. He's such a dirt bag. My question to those who have cheated, is this normal for the cheater to treat the spouse bad and make them feel like its them? Is it normal for them to end things and be cold towards their spouse? When i leave will he feel like a jerk for doing this?
Circular Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 This is a bit to the extreme but yes it is 'normal' behavior in a WS to treat the BS much differently, usually disconnected, during an A. He's fixated on the AP so don't believe "We're just friends" that's the oldest line in the book. He's shifting the blame of everything on you to rationalize his actions.
freestyle Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 there are some personality types that do this---they are that messed up. My guess is that on some level, your H feels some form of guilt & shame. Because those aren't pleasant feelings to have---he's blaming YOU for his disowned guilt. If he paints YOU out to be "The Bad Guy" or, "The Villain"---he can use that to justify his atrocious behavior towards you. And then, conveniently, he doesn't have to face his own actions.How nice for him............... Yes, it's absurd, and ridiculous. And it's about HIM being messed up, and broken........ It's NOT about you. He needs to project all the qualities that he despises in himself onto YOU, because he doesn't have the ability to face himself.
Author momto3boys Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Thank you all for the response. I will never believe the line "they're just friends", what does he take me for.... an idiot? He tried to say that it wasnt a dating website (its okcupid.com), uhm hello how much more obvious of it being a dating website than okcupid.com?! lol He must really think im that stupid. Then he tried to tell me that he had the account before he even knew me, the site didnt even exist then. Then he tried to say "well it was before u and i havent been on it in forever". It had our new residence, that he was in the military, that he had children, etc. So it is not an old account. Then he tried to tell me he was on there just to meet friends, liar. Then he tried to say we arent together he said he wants a divorce so i have no say. Im almost positive he's had this account before. BEfore he told me he wanted a divorce he changed the password to his phone, started sleeping with his phone, he started going out and staying out all night while i stayed home with the kids in a state i know no one. He knew i had no one and dont even really completely know my way around here and dont know where any of his friends live. So he had the upper hand in this situation and he knew it and took full advantage of it. Is leaving in peace the best revenge?? I feel like he's been pushing my buttons trying to get me to flip on him (which i have a few times) just to make me look like the bad guy, but now im not even gonna react to his crap anymore and he looks like the scum bag.
freestyle Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Thank you all for the response. I will never believe the line "they're just friends", what does he take me for.... an idiot? He tried to say that it wasnt a dating website (its okcupid.com), uhm hello how much more obvious of it being a dating website than okcupid.com?! lol He must really think im that stupid. Then he tried to tell me that he had the account before he even knew me, the site didnt even exist then. Then he tried to say "well it was before u and i havent been on it in forever". It had our new residence, that he was in the military, that he had children, etc. So it is not an old account. Then he tried to tell me he was on there just to meet friends, liar. Then he tried to say we arent together he said he wants a divorce so i have no say. Im almost positive he's had this account before. BEfore he told me he wanted a divorce he changed the password to his phone, started sleeping with his phone, he started going out and staying out all night while i stayed home with the kids in a state i know no one. He knew i had no one and dont even really completely know my way around here and dont know where any of his friends live. So he had the upper hand in this situation and he knew it and took full advantage of it. Is leaving in peace the best revenge?? I feel like he's been pushing my buttons trying to get me to flip on him (which i have a few times) just to make me look like the bad guy, but now im not even gonna react to his crap anymore and he looks like the scum bag. I believe that living well is the best revenge. And the best way to deal with button-pushing is to not take the bait. That's him trying to drag you down to his level........... If you need to communicate regarding co-parenting, you can set a boundary that it all needs to done via email. You do NOT have to listen to abusive phone calls.
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I can't speak to 'normal' regarding how one spouse treats the other before/after an affair, but I pretty much told my exW what I wanted from her for a couple years, then, with no joy, sought it out elsewhere and continued to tell her what I wanted from her. No divorce threats, no calling her names, just essentially stating that she had abandoned me and I thought that was wrong in a marriage. I later owned how I abandoned her (via the EA) in MC. Remaining at odds, we divorced. I don't feel like a 'jerk'. My exW is entitled to her opinion. EOS.
Osiris1234 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Do cheaters ever feel bad? NO. Most cheaters regret "getting caught" they don't regret the actual cheating part.
Kinder-Horror Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I believe this is normal behavior. Maybe to different extremes. But he probably feels an inch big himself and is trying to justify his behavior, no matter how irrational. There is also a chance that he confided in whomever he cheated with - who naturally would have helped shelf the blame on you. This is speculation - but possible.
Spark1111 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 [/b] I believe that living well is the best revenge. And the best way to deal with button-pushing is to not take the bait. That's him trying to drag you down to his level........... If you need to communicate regarding co-parenting, you can set a boundary that it all needs to done via email. You do NOT have to listen to abusive phone calls. Great advice! I am so sorry you have to go through this! Almost ready to deliver another child? What a dirtbag! Why are you leaving the house? Have you spoken to a lawyer? Do you live in a no fault state? Can you afford a private investigator? Do you have proof, conclusive, of who exactly it is he is having an affair with? Who have you told? Who is your support system now? Yes, what Freestyle said. All of it. It happens. But now you have to think of what is in the best interests, both financially and emotionally for you and your soon to be two little ones. Please just focus on that. You, your kids, and your financial and emotional well being.
country_gurl Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I think some cheating scumbags are rude/blaming and nasty like yours because they want you to hate them so that you hate them in return and leave them, then in their own disturbed mind it was "you" who left them. You should be sure to save/print off any proof that you've found. Take a 'screen shot' of his dating profile and any correspondence he's had with women on the dating site. There's a key on your keyboard that allows you to take a screen shot of anything you have up on your browser; then copy it into a word document and save it. So are you still moving out of state? Have you spoken to his Commander? To the JAG? To a lawyer? Who are you going to have as support as it gets closer to the time you're due to deliver? If you're not currently going to move back home, will you have your Mom or brother or someone you can rely on to be there for you when you go into labor/to care for your other children while you're in hospital? Have you got things sorted out such that if you are to leave the state, that you're covered with respect to taking your children out of state? I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. What a nightmare for you. You deserve so much better. He is so not a man.
mv6458 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 [ Is leaving in peace the best revenge?? I feel like he's been pushing my buttons trying to get me to flip on him (which i have a few times) just to make me look like the bad guy, but now im not even gonna react to his crap anymore and he looks like the scum bag. IMO leaving in peace may not be the best revenge but it certainly makes you the bigger person and gives you a sense of pride to know you did all you could for him and just walked away peacefully. He is the one that has to live with the guilt of all the things he has done wrong for the rest of his life. I did the exact same thing after my H's EA with a coworker and I feel great. I have no regrets & that is empowering! Good luck.
SadDazedConfused Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I didn't realize it at the time, as my head was in a fog due to many things including cheating on my husband, but I did turn things around on him. I was having issues and felt like my husband wasn't there for me. In reality, I was pushing him away, and then turning around and using that distance against him and using it to justify seeking out other males for attention. "He isn't there for me", "He doesn't understand me", etc. etc. Then I did cheat, and justified my actions accordingly, using those same excuses when in reality it was me that had created that distance and disconnect. I took it further, and turned it around and made him feel like he had to win my love back. I had cheated (he didn't know the extent of what had happened, that I had a PA), and yet I made him essentially kiss my ass and scratch and claw his way toward winning my heart back. In hindsight, it was my cowards way out of what I had done. My brain twisted around everything to try to justify my actions. Your husband is trying to make you out to be the bad guy, when in fact it's him that is leaving you when you are most vulnerable.
TBH Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 i do think you're best off rising above his behaviour and taking the moral high ground. you'll keep your dignity and he'll hate that. I saw a TV program about women getting revenge on their cheating husbands. One lady still had the house key as it was very soon after he had kicked her out. while her husband was away with his affair partner she let herself into the house, sprinkled water on all the carpets and sowed grass seed into it. she watered it every day and when he came back he had a nice green lawn in his house. childish it may have been but amusing nonetheless.
freestyle Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 i do think you're best off rising above his behaviour and taking the moral high ground. you'll keep your dignity and he'll hate that. I saw a TV program about women getting revenge on their cheating husbands. One lady still had the house key as it was very soon after he had kicked her out. while her husband was away with his affair partner she let herself into the house, sprinkled water on all the carpets and sowed grass seed into it. she watered it every day and when he came back he had a nice green lawn in his house. childish it may have been but amusing nonetheless. ......"So, honey, you wanted to see if the grass was greener? Well there ya go!!!!"
l_o_v_e Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 when i cheated on my husband, I felt like ****, but i did try and point out all of his faults as I was leaving him because I didn't want to feel it ended all because of me. You need to be on your own, and you deserve better!!! Trust me, take care of yourself and your child. don't worry about him anymore. heal before you start any new relationship.
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 im who is due in 8 weeks. Then i said "you couldnt wait til i left and 8 weeks til i have our baby?". ? In my opinion husbands who cheat or walk out on their pregnant wives should be slung in jail. What a piece of work, kick him to the kerb.
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