babyygirllhi Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) Its been 3 months since my ex of 1 year dumped me and I still have days where I cry like a baby and miss him unbearably. I'm 24 and he's 22. I sit and try to figure out how he can't miss me the way I miss him. Getting into the relationship it was obvious he was a selfish guy, not wanting to commit and into building himself as a person. I felt it during the entire ralationship and he knew I did. He visited where I'm from and loved it, and he was supposed to move with me, but I ended up going alone after he dumped me. The thing is, while breaking up he said he's still in love, misses me and will miss me but needs to be alone. I can't put into words the amount of love I have for this guy. I'm moving on, but it's been the hardest time of my life and it's made me sick and depressed. It's been NC for 3-4 weeks. Feels like forever. I'm going out and meeting people and living my life, but I will never meet anyone who makes me feel better. He was a horrible boyfriend, like just not there, not ready, yet I still felt so unbelievably amazing with him and I opened him up and he made me feel so alive, so unreal, and we were so attracted and best friends, but he wants to be alone and says I'm perfect but he just needs to be alone. Was it me??? How can he push me away? How can being alone be better? And most of all, how do I let go to this guy that is seriusly my best friend and the love of my life? How can I love him so much even when he doesn't want me?! We truly were best friends, would do anything for eachother, laughed and could talk for hours. See life the same way and just everything was there except he wants to be alone, independent. And he even said he "cant lie, he sees it possible we get back together but it wont be for years." he said that after saying we will never be together, then started crying and told me that. Anyone else like this? Why does he need to be alone so bad? Was it actually that he wasn't happy with me? He is a proud guy, says if anyone were to call him insecure itd be the worst thing ever. This makes me believe that no matter how much he misses me, hell be too proud to tell me. I won't break NC bc I won't be able to handle it , but I keep wondering "why?!?!?" :/ Edited September 22, 2011 by babyygirllhi
immitable Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 It is the same feelings I am going through but one thing you must understand: "Generally if one person thinks that the breakuip is the right move, they're probalby right even if it feels so wrong. Because unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn't going to happen. Need more convincing? How about this: The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, " No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven and they're not worth donning coveralls for." exc. from the book "It's called a breakup because its broken"
Dark Phoenix Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Some questions are better left unanswered. You are wondering why and that is perfectly understandable. Analyze your relationship as a whole, from beginning to end. Pick out any and all flaws that you see in the past relationship and I'm sure you will be able to come up with a reason, if not several reasons. Good job sticking to NC, it is not an easy feat. I see a lot of people on here with posts about their exes telling them the "reason for the breakup". These posters come up with several other "Why?" questions and along with the mindset of "If I had only done _____ we would still be together". You are stuck with similar questions, I know. In reality, most dumpees will never learn the real reason that the dumper is terminating the relationship. The fear of not knowing frightens people and makes them question things further. I was a dumpee that never got a reason and only a bunch of canned lines during my breakup. I contacted her on two occasions just wanting to know why she was cutting things off... I never got more than canned lines that most people laugh and joke about. That doesn't stop me from analyzing the relationship from my point of view. I could make my own reasons for the breakup and I would probably have better answers than anything she could ever give me. Hang in there, the third month was probably the hardest for me. But it was also the turning point to where everything became much easier.
Mack05 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Originally Posted by Mack05 Reading this thread the first thing that came into my mind was that classic scene from friends season 2, think its episode 7. Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea? Phoebe: Um...hm. Joey: This man is my god! Sadly this is a tough lesson you will have to learn. I am 110% sure what I said in your other thread will come to pass -> "Although I am fully expecting you to meet him, get really hurt and post on here in a few days. Some people don't want to help themselves. Please Babygirlhi don't be one of these people..". It may take a few weeks, even months but you will post a heartbroken thread. He is like a drug. Everyone knows it is bad for you, everyone knows your heading down a bad path, but like the drug user the feeling is too good for you to stop yourself. Follow your heart is not always the best advice you can get. He is going to break your heart...Everyone can see it, except you. This is a life lesson sadly you will need to learn the hard way. The longer you stay attached, the harder the road back. Sadly in one ear, out the next. Indeed like serviceduck you just choose to ignore advice if it is anyway negative. Yes it's harsh but it's reality Babygirl. I urge you RIGHT NOW to leave go. Sadly in one ear, out the next. When he leaves you down, please buy the book 'breaking your addiction to a person'. Your reply babygirlhi was I guess people are just different. I actually feel better. I didnt want it to end with me a total mess. We left eachother both crying, us hugging, and going our own way. Its so obvious we shouldnt be together, no matter how much we love eachother. I actually woke up feeling like a new person, ready to move forward. Sure, in the back of my mind i think well, if it's meant to be ... but i was also able to see him with clear eyes. He is a mess. And since he is a mess, he isn't ready to treat someone right. So even though i'm crazy in love with the guy he is, i'm not in love with how he treated me, or would today. Maybe one day when he grows up and is finally happy with imself and has found himself, he will come bcak to me. But maybe i will be far gone. Either way, seeing him was the best thing I could have done
Mack05 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 This was posted on August 8th "BabyGirlhi, Your ex seems very much like an eccentric character. In my experience, relationships with eccentric characters can be very frustrating. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of yourself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole. I don't believe this man can give you the kind of loving relationship that you are looking for. It pointless trying to figure out a guy like this, because eccentric people do not have the same thought process of a 'normal' person. I think the longer you stay attached to this man, the more heartbreak you are going to suffer. To me this very simple. Go No contact and stay no contact (no matter what). It's harder for you to see things clearly, as you are the one suffering from the broken heart. Obviously this guy has a lot of great qualities, otherwise you would not have fallen in love in the first place. I am almost certain though, a man like this cannot make you happy longterm. Babygirlhi it's time to cut your losses.. " Should I use my invisibly for good or for evil? If you want to feel worse, have your heart broken over and over again then by all means, stick with this eccentric weirdo. You want to start healing then delete everything (phonenumber, emails, Facebook, myspace) and find yourself a man that will treat you right (after you have taken enough time to grieve). It really is up to you. Do you want to help or hurt yourself? It's that simple, the only reason it's not that simple for you, is because you are not thinking clearly or rationally..When you do eventually start to think clearly, you will realise that you could never have been happy with this guy. Stop ignoring your inner voice. Right now you are a) scared and b) you don't want to have to face the pain. The longer you leave it the longer the painful journey back..Respect yourself and do not meet this guy. You will thank yourself in the future. Focus on yourself...The rest will take care of itself... Although I am fully expecting you to meet him, get really hurt and post on here in a few days. Some people don't want to help themselves. Please Babygirlhi don't be one of these people..
Mack05 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) Babygirlhi I haven't posted these to say "I told you". This website is not about that. The truth is the 'whys' are EVERYWHERE. But you are choosing to ignore them. You are refusing to accept the obvious facts. Until you stop ruminating on the 'whys' you will never move on. I could say it a million times. This guy like this will never make you happy! I have NO idea what his problems are, but the guy has complex issues. Issues that you (or I) will never get an understanding of. That is what a trained professional is for. Therefore going over the 'whys' is completely pointless. I can see you right now saying to yourself .."Mack didn't know how amazing we were, what does he know". Babygirlhi, the majority of dumpees on this site felt their relationship was amazing/special (including me). That does not mean these people are right for us. Look my other posts (which turned out to be correct) I bet my advice here also goes in one ear, out the next. If you keep doing what you are doing right now, you are going to post similar posts on LS for the next 6 months (maybe longer). You will not move on one iota. Right now you are the equivalent of a drug addict. Everyone is telling you this drug is bad, that it will never make you happy, but you are so addicted you refuse to accept the reality of the situation. Babygirlhi maybe it's time to consider therapy. Maybe a professional might be able to make you see sense. Because to me the 'whys' couldn't be more obvious, yet you refuse to accept the reality.. Edited September 22, 2011 by Mack05
Author babyygirllhi Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) There isn't really an 'I told you' to be made. It's quite obvious that people come back to this site, it takes time to heal and most people will continue to wonder 'why?!' until their hearts let go. Even if I know he is eccentric or that he treated me bad or that he wasn't ready, I still wonder 'why?!' Anyway... It's not even the boyfriend/girlfriend part. We were best friends and what hurts the most is to lose that. I wonder how he can live not feeling an urgent need to even talk to me, or to ask me if my move went ok, etc. But I guess that's why he broke up with me, he literally told me "I don't want to have to think of anyone else but myself." Now that should be enough to turn me off and make me run faster than ever from that selfish idiot, but sadly it doesn't...yet. I think what I'm in love with is the capabilities this guy has. If he truly loves me like he says but obviously feels that bad about himself that he needs to only focus on himself and not care about anyone else, will he ever be happy with himself and able to be there for someone? Or is he right when he says "I'm wierd, I'll prob want to be alone forever?" Maybe someone like this will always be selfish. Literally, since we met, he tried to stay away and not be with me...but couldn't...said he planned on making himself into who he wants to be by the time he is 30, was selfish and totally into making him Ito something. (however if I ever asked for anything or told him I felt bad, he cared super much). One day I will get over him. But for now I'm using this site to vent. As for a therapist, my friends are my therapy. No one can make me get over him, I will when I'm ready... Edited September 23, 2011 by babyygirllhi
Mack05 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 babygirl the reason I recommended a therapist is because they will help put your thoughts together. To literally piece the puzzle. After a very bad break up, I highly recommend to this forum. It ended up saving me so much grief. It helped put things into prespective, to help me make sense of it all. To answer the 'whys'. Not only that If I ever lose someone close to me again, I have the tools to deal with the loss alot better then I did my last break up.
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