oaks Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 You could create a profile yourself and mail him on the site (to dump him). Make sure you put your sexiest photos on there.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Guess what? He made a new profile with a different user name and I wasted several more years with him before I finally figured everything out and left. Red flags are red flags for a reason. I agree. The kind of man who would do this in the first place is not a keeper. Even if he deletes it and promises not to do it again, you now know that he's not satisfied with you, has the desire to shop around, has done it before, and is extremely likely to do it in the future. Personally, I wouldn't waste anymore time with him.
Author shoesies05 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 OK- So I am giving myself time to think about it. But I want to give a bit more background information and see if it changes anyone's view. My boyfriend has shown me his profile and to whom he has written. His profile says that he is happily in a monogamous relationship and doesn't want to meet anyone but for friends. He says he only writes to people for that reason, and only if they are interesting enough for that. As far as checking out other girls on the page he said that he has no intentions of ever contacting these girls for flirting, sex, chat, etc... unless it was to be just friends because he finds their profile interesting. He hasn't gotten around very much and says that it makes him feel crummy about himself that he hasnt slept around but he feels like that is unhealthy and wants to be with me- not with other girls because he loves me ( this is something we established a long time ago). So- he says that through looking at these girls sites its somehow gives him a bit of entertainment and the feeling like he could get with these girls if he wanted, if he were single. But he said it's just a fantasy and would never act on it. He said that he not looking for someone else to be with, or a backup, or anything like that. My bf is a very honest person, to a fault actually. His honesty has hurt me in the past because he isn't afraid to give a person the answer they dont want to hear if it is the truth. I didn't know he was looking at the "sexual encounters" page for instance, but he confessed that. I am just afraid I am making a fantasy into something more than it is. And yea- it's really difficult to leave because we both are so happy together, yes we have our issues... but i love him and he loves me and I think we have something great- we communicate with eachother, we are affectionate, we spend time doing things we enjoy together, we relate in the weirdest ways, he is my best friend. What if he really wasnt ever going to contact these people? Would you still think I should leave him?
Author shoesies05 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 I love this movie- it's one of my favorites! And I love the scene that was quoted
carhill Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OP, what did he think of my suggestion to get out and meet people as a couple, making male and female friends that way? Why the virtual stuff? Why 'seeing what's out there'? He knows what's out there. People. Meet them. In real life. As a couple. Now, if he has an interest (mine is old cars), virtual is a great way to meet other men and women who share the interest and then get together with them as a couple in real life. Am I starting to sound like a broken record? I should; I've been married
Author shoesies05 Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 OP, what did he think of my suggestion to get out and meet people as a couple, making male and female friends that way? Why the virtual stuff? Why 'seeing what's out there'? He knows what's out there. People. Meet them. In real life. As a couple. Now, if he has an interest (mine is old cars), virtual is a great way to meet other men and women who share the interest and then get together with them as a couple in real life. Am I starting to sound like a broken record? I should; I've been married He and I have gone out and met some people together. But we still havent met many people. Back where he is from he had a lot of friends, and when he returned from a trip seeing all of them and his family recently he felt like he wanted to change not having friends here in a more fast way than before. I think he will be fine with us meeting people together- but he will still want to keep his profile so that he can meet people on his own, or so that he can talk to them and then me and him meet whomever it is he wants to meet. Knowing him he will think it's too controlling ( and I think it is too) if I tell him we must meet people together. He won't get rid of his profile... thats a given
carhill Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OK, so you're living together in an intimate relationship and he won't get rid of his profile on a dating site so he can meet people on his own more quickly than he could in real life. How about he puts his profile on an interest-based site like meetup.com or something like that? I presume you and he participate in social networking sites like Facebook, so he can pursue 'friends' there as well. If he's not going to bend at all, as our MC opined, you have a decision to make. FWIW, insisting that someone who's in an intimate relationship refrain from posting on a dating site and pursuing 'friends' there is not 'controlling' in my book. It's a healthy boundary. YMMV>
Beachgirl8 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OK, so you're living together in an intimate relationship and he won't get rid of his profile on a dating site so he can meet people on his own more quickly than he could in real life. How about he puts his profile on an interest-based site like meetup.com or something like that? I presume you and he participate in social networking sites like Facebook, so he can pursue 'friends' there as well. If he's not going to bend at all, as our MC opined, you have a decision to make. FWIW, insisting that someone who's in an intimate relationship refrain from posting on a dating site and pursuing 'friends' there is not 'controlling' in my book. It's a healthy boundary. YMMV> I second the meetup.com suggestion. Why does it have to be a dating site?
LynnieBear Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Why do men feel crummy about themselves for not "getting around a lot"? This should be an accomplishment and something they are praised for, but it's not.
CarrieT Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 He won't get rid of his profile... thats a given Then you should insist on full disclosure; he should give you his password and the ability to read every correspondence he is having. If he won't do that, then his motives are not what he says they are and it is time for you to reconsider why you are in the relationship. If it is only about meeting new friends, there is no reason he shouldn't offer complete transparency on that accord. Keeping his searches and correspondence hidden from you would be a huge red flag that your relationship together is not as important as his philandering.
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 My boyfriend has shown me his profile and to whom he has written. His profile says that he is happily in a monogamous relationship and doesn't want to meet anyone but for friends. Well... his profile says that now, anyway. If you think that dating sites are places to go looking for platonic friends, and that that is what he is doing, then let him do it. Personally, I don't think that dating sites are places to go looking for platonic friends - that's not really why the vast majority of people are there (even if they say they are looking for friends in their profile). What's the ratio of men to women that he's contacted? If he's only looking for friends then I'm sure he will have contacted as many men as women, right?
pandagirl Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OP, I know it's confusing when your boyfriend says all the right things to make you feel loved, but you really have to look at his ACTIONS. POF is a dating site. There are A LOT of ways to make new friends. I've moved several times in my life, and I have never used a dating site as a means to make PLATONIC friends. Even if he has no intentions of meeting up with any of these women he's writing or looking at, it's clear he needs some sort of ego boost. That in itself is a really bad trait, in my opinion. It means he needs a lot of external validation, which in the long run, it not good for a relationship.
Art_Critic Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Type on POF into google and you get this... http://www.google.com/search?q=pof&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a Free Online Dating at Plentyoffish . com™ Free online dating and matchmaking service for singles. 1800000 Daily Active Members Just Saying.. it isn't a pen pal service
Author shoesies05 Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Well- I talked to him about it more and it turns out he doesn't want to just fantasize about being with other girls sexually anymore- so needless to say we broke up. it really hurts and i wish i could punch his lights out, amoung other things... but I realize this is better for both of us, now he can feel like he's not missing out and more importantly I can find someone somday who loves me the way I deserve to be loved. Thanks to everyone who responded- it really did help me to realize he isn't ready for a committed relationship. Now the ****ty thing is I gotta find a place to live in the middle of 3 exams, tons of papers due, etc. Just hope my grades don't fall and that i can find somewhere I can call home. ah life
CarrieT Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Well- I talked to him about it more and it turns out he doesn't want to just fantasize about being with other girls sexually anymore- so needless to say we broke up. it really hurts and i wish i could punch his lights out, amoung other things... but I realize this is better for both of us, now he can feel like he's not missing out and more importantly I can find someone somday who loves me the way I deserve to be loved. Thanks to everyone who responded- it really did help me to realize he isn't ready for a committed relationship. Now the ****ty thing is I gotta find a place to live in the middle of 3 exams, tons of papers due, etc. Just hope my grades don't fall and that i can find somewhere I can call home. ah life Sending hugs -- I know it was hard but better to have found out now instead of AFTER he started seeing other girls and possibly bringing STD's home to you!
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