shoesies05 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Hey- So my boyfriend made a Plenty of Fish page recently. We moved to a new city a few months ago and we havent really made many friends. So he said he made it just make some friends. Things is I know he also looks at "cute girls" on it and is using it to search for them because he didn't delete that in his browsing history. Also he told me that he likes to kinda see what's out there. Now, IDK what to do. this really bugs me, deeply and he wont remove his profile. Any advice? I'm starting to wonder if I can trust him. He has always been very open and honest, like he let me know before he made his profile...
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Hey, make a profile of your own and make some new friends..... or.... Suggest that neither of you post profiles on dating sites, since you're a cohabiting couple (I presume), and seek to make friends by venturing out into the world together in your new locale and meeting people that way. Lots of people in the world. Some of them I'm sure would be happy to be your friends. Get started tomorrow. Good luck. If he so chooses to continue to 'see what's out there', he can enjoy that choice in silence. In a committed exclusive monogamous relationship, that parameter should be a strong boundary. Hope he gets the memo.
Author shoesies05 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Carhill: WHen you say "in a moment of silence", what do you mean?
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Silence, as in what I experience every night when I go to bed with nothing more than the sound of the TV and/or the purring of my cat. Silence, as in no human there.
oaks Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 So my boyfriend made a Plenty of Fish page recently. We moved to a new city a few months ago and we havent really made many friends. So he said he made it just make some friends. Tell him he's talking BS. It's a dating site and nothing more. Don't let him tell you that there's a "just looking for friends" option, because that's just lame.
KathyM Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Hey- So my boyfriend made a Plenty of Fish page recently. We moved to a new city a few months ago and we havent really made many friends. So he said he made it just make some friends. Things is I know he also looks at "cute girls" on it and is using it to search for them because he didn't delete that in his browsing history. Also he told me that he likes to kinda see what's out there. Now, IDK what to do. this really bugs me, deeply and he wont remove his profile. Any advice? I'm starting to wonder if I can trust him. He has always been very open and honest, like he let me know before he made his profile... Well, what the heck are you? Chopped liver? What is this guy thinking? That you would be OK with that? Tell him you'll be moving along now, since he seems to want other options. POF is a dating website, not a friendship forum. I'd be going ballistic if I were you. There are plenty of ways to make friends. Dating websites is not one of them.
KathyM Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Yeah, ballistic. OR smile sweetly and slip out the door ... Send us a postcard ... Some men are so clueless. They don't see anything wrong with checking out other women on dating websites. Some will even go so far as to contact them and chat with them online. My sister divorced her second husband for that very reason. He didn't see anything wrong with checking out dating websites, and considered these women he was communicating with his "platonic friends".
oaks Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) Some men are so clueless. I promise that cluelessness isn't limited to men! They don't see anything wrong with checking out other women on dating websites. I promise you this isn't limited to men, either (although I imagine the woman I have in mind is checking out other men rather than other women - all I know is that she's online on a dating site while in a similar time-frame she and her boyfriend are discussing cohabiting). Edited September 22, 2011 by oaks
KathyM Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I promise that cluelessness isn't limited to men! I promise you this isn't limited to men, either (although I imagine the woman I have in mind is checking out other men rather than other women - all I know is that she's online on a dating site while in a similar time-frame she and her boyfriend are discussing cohabiting). I suppose it's not just men who do this. Probably more prevalent among men, though. I often hear of MM or men in relationships who set up a profile on dating websites, sometimes without a picture in order to stay anonymous, so they can find an AP or to explore their options. And they pretend to be single, divorced or separated, and looking for a relationship. I know of two men personally who didn't think there was anything wrong with being on dating websites while supposedly working on their marriage. In my sister's case, she was separated from her second husband, but they were both in marriage counseling, still professing their love for each other, trying to work out what caused their break up, and she finds he has a profile on POF, and is corresponding with women on there, referring to them as "just friends", at the same time he was pretending to be fully committed to the marriage counseling and making the relationship work. He couldn't understand why that would be a problem for her. Clueless. Of course, that was the nail in the coffin to their reconciliation attempts. He tried to convince my sister he was just platonic friends with these women, similar to what the OPs bf is trying to claim. What it is called is keeping your options open. Not possible to be emotionally committed to a relationship while on a dating website checking out your options. Another man I know personally was going through a rough patch in his marriage, so he started an online profile just to "see what was out there". He didn't see any harm in it, and claimed to be just curiousity that made him do that. The poor wife had no idea, and was trying to work on the marriage while the husband had emotionally one foot out the door. When she found the Emails, she was crushed, and never dreamed her husband would do that. He didn't see the harm in it, since he was just doing that because he was "curious what was out there". I venture to say this is more prevalent among men than women. At least that's been my experience, and it is only men that I have read about who did this. I'm sure there are some instances of women, though, also. I also know a man (business associate) who brags that he never leaves the woman he's with until he finds a replacement for her. That could be what is going on with the OPs bf, but I venture to say he's just clueless that there is any harm in doing this, similar to what the other two guys I know thought.
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Hey, make a profile of your own and make some new friends..... or.... Suggest that neither of you post profiles on dating sites, since you're a cohabiting couple (I presume), and seek to make friends by venturing out into the world together in your new locale and meeting people that way. Lots of people in the world. Some of them I'm sure would be happy to be your friends. Get started tomorrow. Good luck. If he so chooses to continue to 'see what's out there', he can enjoy that choice in silence. In a committed exclusive monogamous relationship, that parameter should be a strong boundary. Hope he gets the memo. Great Post.. All of it...
oaks Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 and it is only men that I have read about who did this. Well, not any more.
LynnieBear Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I know a guy who collects females as "friends" and talks to a lot of them every night on the computer. So, what about chitchatting all night with girls on fb? Or friends in person? (I'm asking everyone) Personally, I am for the stance that men and women are never "just friends" and most especially when you are in a monogamous relationship. It's one of the main reasons why it didn't work out with my crush. He has many girl "friends" online. He also was looking for FWB, no strings attached stuff and I am not that kind of girl. This also seems to be more prevalent among men. Sex without love or in another word, sex without attachment. Personally, I don't think that exists, either. At least not healthily. Anyway, getting to your problem, I'd have a hard time with it, obviously, 'cause you love this person, but that would push me far far far away from whoever I was with. He's playing you, whether he thinks he is or not. It would not be acceptable.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 This guy obviously doesn't respect your relationship and your agreement to be monogamous. He's showing you exactly who he is -- a guy who doesn't want to be exclusive to you. You've told him you're upset by him having the profile, and he refuses to take it down. You've got all the information you need. Can you accept him as is or not? Because he seems very unlikely to change.
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Personally, I am for the stance that men and women are never "just friends" and most especially when you are in a monogamous relationship. I never get tired of posting this.. There is so much truth in this series of words it should be the "Can you be friends? bible" Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally:Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York
oaks Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I never get tired of posting this.. There is so much truth in this series of words it should be the "Can you be friends? bible" Sure, but it's still fiction, and still doesn't mean that men and women can't be friends. Harry's logic is flawed.
KathyM Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Well, not any more. I guess. Such a shame how internet dating websites have ruined many marriages and relationships because of this curiosity factor. After people have been on there awhile, they realize there isn't anyone better out there for them. But by the time they realize it, the damage has been done.
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk
Lilmisus Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I never get tired of posting this.. There is so much truth in this series of words it should be the "Can you be friends? bible" Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally:Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York Still not quite sure I believe in this logic, though I do love that movie. I have a few male friends, and from what I gather none of them want to sleep with me. Two of them even call me "kiddo" cause I'm a few years younger than them. Plus, my boyfriend has one very close female friend, who he calls his sister because they are so close. But back to the OP, I think that this is a lousy thing of your boyfriend to do. Unless of course, he puts ON his profile "My girlfriend and I just moved to this city, and we're looking to meet other couples or friendly folks around here. If you're looking for a platonic friendship, message me, and maybe we can all get together sometime!" Or anything along those lines. But... something tells me that that's not the case here. If that isn't the case, just try to voice your discomfort with his profile.
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk haha.. I haven't seen it in years.. that is so good...
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I have a few male friends, and from what I gather none of them want to sleep with me. You just think you do
Ruby Slippers Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Regardless of whether men and women can be friends (I think they can, and I have male friends -- do they want to sleep with me? Maybe. But we won't do that for a wide range of reasons), this guy is browsing "cute chicks" on Plenty of Fish, a DATING site. His intentions are crystal clear. If he were really just interested in making friends, he would respect that his woman has a problem with him surfing a dating site. He's making it very clear that he's interested in more than making friends. He's shopping around.
nottelling2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 That is not acceptable. Leave him or you also keep your options open.
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 He's making it very clear that he's interested in more than making friends. He's shopping around. Indeed.. I think this is it in a nutshell...
Beachgirl8 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 This action needs a consequence, pronto. If you don't make it absolutely clear that this is unacceptable and you won't put up with it for one more minute, it will only get worse. Don't let him minimize what he is doing or make excuses. And don't let him try to convince you that it's no big deal. If I could go back in time to when I caught my ex doing this and listen to my own advice above I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. If this situation ever came up for me again it would be an instant dump. My ex and I were living together at the time when I saw this nonsense. He apologized profusely, assured me he knew it was a stupid thing to do, made up some story about how it was really old, from before we met, and deleted the profile right in front of me. Guess what? He made a new profile with a different user name and I wasted several more years with him before I finally figured everything out and left. Red flags are red flags for a reason.
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