Kinder-Horror Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Do you and your partner have any topics that you STRONGLY differ in? My Fiancee and I are very alike. Sure, we sometimes differ in opinions of movies and music and current events, etc. But typically we are near the same page, if not on it. EXCEPT one thing. Homosexuality. He doesn't have a problem with those who are gay, but he has certain beliefs about "how they got that way" - and it drives me up the wall. This isn't something that affects our day to day lives. He is a male, I am a female. Neither of us have incredibly close friends or family that are gay (or openly so, to our knowledge), and it has probably come up only four times in the three years we have been together. But we argue about it until we don't talk anymore - and the only time I have ever thought anything even remotely ugly about him has been during these conversations/arguments - I have never been so angry at him as I have at those moments. Is this... okay? Like I said, it rarely comes up - and it isn't something that directly affects our day to day lives like other beliefs and values may; but I am just wondering how common this is in marriage... To disagree to the very core about something and then just go make dinner and pretend it doesn't exist. Any thoughts are appreciated.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Everyone can only answer for themselves and I've never been married, but if I had to venture a guess I'd say it's probably very common. Who knows absolutely everything about their partner? Things will reveal themselves. That's why it's pretty important to decide what ones deal breakers are and stick to them. I know I can't abide certain things--one of which is blind faith. It wouldn't work with me but I don't need my SO to be as well defined in her views as me--just as long as they are her own and she's not a scared parrot just passing on the dogma. If I demanded someone absolutely with me on every issue, I'd be sure to be alone forever. And I don't want that.
sunshinegirl Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I think it's probably not unusual. It's tempting in long term relationships to try to influence our partners to become more like us (there's a psychological term for this - I forget what it is) rather than embracing (or at least tolerating) the ways they're different. Remember that you can't control how or what people think, or expect that you'll be perfectly aligned on everything. Besides, wouldn't it be boring if you thought exactly alike? In any event, if this is an issue that really has no bearing on your day-to-day life, then I would probably shrug and do my best to let it go. The only caveat I have to that is this: if you are worried that at some point in the future your H may verbalize his (homophobic?) views to someone and it upsets them (and thus you), you should probably think and/or talk through how to handle that eventuality. Do you want to try to negotiate an agreement w/ him beforehand that he'll watch his mouth? If he doesn't watch his mouth, will you stand with him? Distance yourself from his views? Apologize on his behalf for offending? Something else? I have asked my H to watch himself when he is around some of my friends, as some of his humor that goes down well with his guy friends could come off as offensive with other groups of people. He gets it.
Author Kinder-Horror Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Besides, wouldn't it be boring if you thought exactly alike? Absolutely. I am not asking for use to agree on everything. But the other things we disagree on aren't things that make us fight like this, or make me think such mean things about him. They are things that we can debate over and move on - or even tease each other about. The only caveat I have to that is this: if you are worried that at some point in the future your H may verbalize his (homophobic?) views to someone and it upsets them (and thus you), you should probably think and/or talk through how to handle that eventuality. Do you want to try to negotiate an agreement w/ him beforehand that he'll watch his mouth? If he doesn't watch his mouth, will you stand with him? Distance yourself from his views? Apologize on his behalf for offending? Something else? These are good points. And honestly if he opened his mouth in public, i would distance myself from his views - because I am embarrassed of them. I suppose we do need to talk about it. I am just wondering if it's something I should bring up, or wait until it comes up again naturally. Thank you.
Spark1111 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I think you need to have the conversation now. It is okay to have vastly differing viewpoints on topics. I would tell him that while you appreciate his point of view, and how he arrived at it, and that there may be many who would agree with them, it would embarrass you for him to voice them in public because of x.y.z..... Then ask him if there are any viewpoints of YOURS he would not like expressed in public? We certainly can have whatever opinions we want. What we cannot do in a relationship is embarrass our partners publicly by stating so. That is disrespectful. There is a difference. I have democratic leanings, he is Rebuplican. I am Protestant. He is Catholic. Some topics we AVOID with each other. Why? It is not good for the relationship. We agree to disagree and stop the debate before it leads to hard feelings.
Author Kinder-Horror Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 We certainly can have whatever opinions we want. What we cannot do in a relationship is embarrass our partners publicly by stating so. That is disrespectful. There is a difference. Thank you for your advice. I do have a question though. Wouldn't one find it disrespectful of a spouse to ask for you not to state your opinion because it is embarrassing? I would find it offensive if he told me my opinions would embarrass him in public. What gives me the right to say that - or to decide what is/isn't appropriate to say in public? If we are all entitled to our opinion, who am I to tell him he is an embarrassment for stating it in a conversation?
xxoo Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 We certainly can have whatever opinions we want. What we cannot do in a relationship is embarrass our partners publicly by stating so. That is disrespectful. There is a difference.. I have a different opinion, and approach. A while back, I came to the conclusion that my partner can only embarrass himself. That was freeing for me, and very good for our relationship. In your current dispute, I'd side with you. But I also know and love people who would side with your fiance. Their views are their views, and I accept them as "quirks", lol. Really back up and think about if this is a BIG thing or a little thing. If my partner respects and accepts homosexuals is a big thing. If he has some sort of backward (imnsho) idea of how people become homosexual, that, to me, is a little thing. If he states these views in public, I would shrug and say something like "I disagree, but that is what he believes. The important thing is that he supports LBGT rights." (or whatever, at core, is important to you on the issue).
Rayne03 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 You definitely have gotten some good advice above. The two of you have very strong opposing views on this topic, but what I think, is that it's just that - a topic that really doesn't effect either one of you personally, so there is nothing wrong with having different view points. My only advice would be to make certain that you each simply respect the others view. You certainly don't have to agree with each other, but a good healthy debate makes things interesting as long as you both agree to disagree and don't put the other person down for feeling a certain way. Just as one poster mention, they are democrate and their spouse is republican. Now there are some big issues that can get a couple into heated debates if not respected!! I wouldn't make a big issue over your views. Do you and your partner have any topics that you STRONGLY differ in? My Fiancee and I are very alike. Sure, we sometimes differ in opinions of movies and music and current events, etc. But typically we are near the same page, if not on it. EXCEPT one thing. Homosexuality. He doesn't have a problem with those who are gay, but he has certain beliefs about "how they got that way" - and it drives me up the wall. This isn't something that affects our day to day lives. He is a male, I am a female. Neither of us have incredibly close friends or family that are gay (or openly so, to our knowledge), and it has probably come up only four times in the three years we have been together. But we argue about it until we don't talk anymore - and the only time I have ever thought anything even remotely ugly about him has been during these conversations/arguments - I have never been so angry at him as I have at those moments. Is this... okay? Like I said, it rarely comes up - and it isn't something that directly affects our day to day lives like other beliefs and values may; but I am just wondering how common this is in marriage... To disagree to the very core about something and then just go make dinner and pretend it doesn't exist. Any thoughts are appreciated.
norajane Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Absolutely. I am not asking for use to agree on everything. But the other things we disagree on aren't things that make us fight like this, or make me think such mean things about him. They are things that we can debate over and move on - or even tease each other about. We all have our blind spots. Would you be able to accept that this is simply one of his blind spots and avoid the temptation to debate about it?
carhill Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 OP, here's what I gleaned from my M. My exW were on the same page on nearly everything, including the topic of your disagreement, but we misconnected at a very basic emotional level. So, unlike yourselves, where you annoy the hell out of each other on some topics but perhaps have that elemental compatibility, we were synergistic on most or nearly all topics but were missing that elemental compatibility. Either or both of us ignored that and focused more on what you're talking about and how we 'got along' so well. Truth be told, we probably would have made good and dear friends. Up to you what your dynamic is described as. Is this... okay? IMO, yes, it's OK. It's not what you 'fight' about, it's how you fight. Support and challenge is an important part of a healthy intimate relationship. If you don't believe you 'fight' well, get some help with that. You're separate human beings and you will disagree on many things in your lifetime. You each choose how that goes. Good luck
denise_xo Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 EXCEPT one thing. Homosexuality. Ditto. I'm in the same situation and there have been times where I've thought to myself that I should have made it a deal breaker. It's not an issue on a daily basis at all and I have no problem disagreeing in principle. However when it creates practical challenges it's really ****ty and those situations are very draining and difficult to manage.
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