Attracting a boyfriend when I'm invisible

[Mme. Chaucer]

Arrrghgghhhh!

 

 

 

But, it's true! And my life has more than one instance that prove it. For me, anyway.

 

Back to the OP.

 

You are actually more than "attractive," you are beautiful. I think your look is fine - but how about getting new look? I have suggestions you could try; if you are interested, PM me.

[Titania22]

Alright, you kinda gotta start at the beginning and work from there.

 

Step 1: Talk to a guy you may like.

 

Also what about those Starcraft guys? Could you not show some interest for one of them? Are you interested in one of them.

 

I don't see how saying "I won't date a drug addict or a smoke or a yadayada" is helping anything. It's not like people go up to you and say, "hello, my name is Steve. I am a drug addict." Like really?

 

I do talk and show interest to the starcraft guys. 2 that I know are married, others have girlfriends, and then there are the 15yr olds. I have been asking them to suggest me to their friends. They all know I am in the market for a boyfriend, and they say nice encouraging things, but haven't offered up any of their friends or relatives yet.

 

As for lists of traits, I don't like doing that, because a) something important gets left off, and b) it can lead to judging and not giving a guy a chance that might be really great. Plus making a list is tantamount to being slaughter by the ls lions.

 

lemme ask this. What do the men react when you approach them in person and start a conversation? And do you do this often?

 

Well sorry eddie, but up until I read this I thought I was just supposed to ask them out (guys on here complain that girls don't ask guys out), I didn't realise I had to have conversations with them too (someone might have mentioned it once before, but it just sank in now). Sometimes the most obvious things elude me. Until I was told on ls that I was specifically suppose to ask for dates, I had just been asking guys for sex (that did not have a high degree of success either).

 

And no I haven't done it often, because I get so scared, and also I find I need the right circumstances. i.e. a guy sitting alone on a bench or something. I have also been blocked by reality. You know geared up to ask someone out, and then they are not there. The eye contact thing was more of a baby steps thing.

 

To add to that, how outgoing are you? In other words, how often do you go out and put yourself for "display" (no offense), so that people can actually know you exist?

 

I am not too outgoing. I like being at home. But I am always friendly. I will acknowledge and talk to anyone in my line of sight. I am probably about 70% introvert, 30% extrovert. Basically my going out consists of being at uni or going to the gym. I don't go to clubs, because I seemed to get a little more deaf each I went, and getting by drunk, drugged guys is just plain awful. Although I did love the music, dancing and checking out what other girls there are wearing these days. My only girlfriend is in her 50's so going out with her was more like having a cup of tea, and now she has moved away forever, so I have no girlfriends or guy friends to go out with.

 

Just incase nobody knows, Titania22 has a good picture of herself in her profile.

 

Titania22, I think your requirements are too broad. Getting a partner is a lot like getting a job. One thing I've been told is that you need to tailor the resume to the job you want to get. If all you want is, 'a job,' then you are going to have a poor resume that will only let you get the lowest jobs.

 

In other words, if your sights are too low, then it's almost impossible to get anything good.

 

I get what you are saying. But how is making a list the guy will never see the same as tailoring a resume the employer will see. I have a whole lots of traits that I regard highly, and I thought about it one day, from the perspective of the % of such men in a population group that had each characteristic, and when you multiple those percentage you get a really tiny likelihood of someone having all those traits.

 

And even the tongue in cheek response, 'no smokers or drug addicts', limits the pool substantially alone without any other traits. How many time I saw a guy alone and thought I could ask him out, only to notice a second later he was smoking.

 

Well ... this is a hackneyed cliche, and I don't think it's what any person who feels lonely and who is actively seeking a relationship wants to hear, but:

 

These things often happen when we are NOT looking, or at least not very invested in the outcome.

 

That being said - one still has to be "out there" in different ways to be open and available when a "right" person shows up. I guess I mean that you have to keep yourself dating, but with a very casual attitude about it.

 

I looked at your picture, and so I know you are an attractive woman.

 

I also know that you are in a pool of men much younger than you are, with the gaming, and that you like younger men. That's fine, but you'll need to find the men who like women who are older than they are. They exist, and aren't even rare, but it's not the "norm." That's just the way it is.

 

I hope you won't take this as harsh, because I do not intend it that way at all, but you may be projecting an air of something like desperation. You are who you are, and I can tell you are a cool and interesting person, but your social persona might sometimes be off-putting to the average bear. I say this just because of your post about the eye contact efforts, which could be read as odd by people on the receiving end, and your tee shirt idea - which I know was not really serious, but would probably be weird, or funny, rather than attractive if executed. I feel the same about some of your other ideas of getting something started from other posts of yours.

 

Somehow, you just have to be who you are while continuing to socialize in many different ways, including OLD (though it very well might not work; it did work for me, after several years of failing), and keeping very open.

 

You will end up connecting with a person who "fits" with you.

 

But you really are not invisible, I promise.

 

Hey Mme,

 

You are right, if you can not think about it, sometimes things happen, but the catch is you still have to be out there. Which is really a catch, because when I am not looking I am not out there either. In reality I have never enjoyed dating, I really actually hate it, it feels like a chore. And I especially hate it when I feel I have a great connection with someone and I am really interested, and then they are all, 'I'm only looking for casual sex'. I feel like they wasted my time and got me all sexually excited for nothing. I know sorry to say that guys, but it is how I feel, I am looking for an end result, when I don't enjoy the process. A date feels like sitting across from someone who is mentally ticking off a bunch of red flags, and then telling me there was no position in the first place.

 

I didn't take what you said harshly and I am sure you are correct to some extent. I am sure I come across as desperate when I am really horny. That's why I am pushing so hard right now, because I am not really horny, but I could be could reach the next wave of it anytime, and it would have been awesome to have a guy lined up by then. Somehow I feel that I am quickly running out of time. You always know when I reach that point, because I start a thread here, about how to deal with being horny whilst being celibate.

 

As for online dating I don't do it. The last experiences I had with it in march were so horrible, I was in danger of becoming a man hater. And no I didn't get any actual live dates, just online manipulation and garbage. I have never tried OLD. Besides which I look absolutely crap on paper.

 

Anyway that's it for now.

[somedude81]

I get what you are saying. But how is making a list the guy will never see the same as tailoring a resume the employer will see. I have a whole lots of traits that I regard highly, and I thought about it one day, from the perspective of the % of such men in a population group that had each characteristic, and when you multiple those percentage you get a really tiny likelihood of someone having all those traits.

 

And even the tongue in cheek response, 'no smokers or drug addicts', limits the pool substantially alone without any other traits. How many time I saw a guy alone and thought I could ask him out, only to notice a second later he was smoking.

My mother just turned 50 and she's been single for a very long time. She has a masters degree and is very intelligent. But for whatever reason she hasn't done well with men.

 

One thing I told her is that she needs to decide on what she wants and what kind of man she is interested in. Then she told me she only wants men who are educated and well off. She happens to work at a court house so the building is crawling with lawyers and other law related people.

 

While her job isn't really the best place to meet people because of her department, I suggested that she check out the local bars and restaurants that the courthouse men would go to after work. Unfortunately I don't think she's done that yet.

 

So going back to you, decide on what your targets are, and go to their location.

[Titania22]

So going back to you, decide on what your targets are, and go to their location.

 

Yeah hence why I checked out the gaming club at the uni a couple of weeks ago, and i intend to go again this evening.

 

But I was really surprised by the atmosphere when I went.

 

It's all well and good for me to say I like geeky gamer guys, but it's very different being in the same room with them as it is playing with them over the internet. Besides which most at that club are probably too young. But I will give it a go. Because it probably takes some time to get accepted. At any rate, uni will be more enjoyable if I make some friends.

[Professor X]

I am not too outgoing. I like being at home. But I am always friendly. I will acknowledge and talk to anyone in my line of sight. I am probably about 70% introvert, 30% extrovert. Basically my going out consists of being at uni or going to the gym. I don't go to clubs, because I seemed to get a little more deaf each I went, and getting by drunk, drugged guys is just plain awful. Although I did love the music, dancing and checking out what other girls there are wearing these days. My only girlfriend is in her 50's so going out with her was more like having a cup of tea, and now she has moved away forever, so I have no girlfriends or guy friends to go out with.

 

I think your case of invisibility has more to do with the fact that no-one gets to see you to to much (which also kinda makes the whole T-shirt idea moot).

Cause I saw your pictures and you're definitely attractive, I daresay you're even a bit hot, but that's just me.

 

The gamers club sounds like a solid idea, though you might be right about the fact that the guys there might be to young. Not that I know of your age, but I take it you're not in your 20s.

[Titania22]

I just wanted to say, it's really sweet of you guys to reassure me of my attractiveness. I tend to think of myself as occasionally hot (like when i make the effort) and otherwise very average.

 

And I know I live in a city of incredibly beautiful women, so maybe that skews the average for me, but essentially those beautiful women are my rivals in the boyfriend hunt. Srsly sometimes I really wish I was a lesbian, the women here are so gorgeous.

[iris219]

Are you sure you’re invisible? I have a mental block when it comes to men checking me out. I often don’t see them (until a friend or my mom points it out), mostly because I don’t like to be checked out. I like to do the checking out first and then have the guy reciprocate.

 

I’m trying to pay more attention to what’s going on around me, so I notice. I also have a hard time “seeing” men who aren’t what I would immediately deem physically attractive, and I’m trying to change this simply by being more aware. I consider myself friendly, but I know that I can seem unapproachable, another factor that works against me.

 

Do you think you’re overlooking guys you wouldn’t necessarily pick to approach, but who would like to approach you?

[Titania22]

Are you sure you’re invisible? I have a mental block when it comes to men checking me out. I often don’t see them (until a friend or my mom points it out), mostly because I don’t like to be checked out. I like to do the checking out first and then have the guy reciprocate.

 

I’m trying to pay more attention to what’s going on around me, so I notice. I also have a hard time “seeing” men who aren’t what I would immediately deem physically attractive, and I’m trying to change this simply by being more aware. I consider myself friendly, but I know that I can seem unapproachable, another factor that works against me.

 

Do you think you’re overlooking guys you wouldn’t necessarily pick to approach, but who would like to approach you?

 

It's a good point, and I have been thinking about that the last few days, while at uni. For example the day I was walking around trying to make eye contact with people, I managed twice and the guys said hi as they walked past. On wednesday I ran into one of those guys again, turns out we are in the same class, and he recognized and remembered me, that's why he said hi as he passed. And there is this guy in my molecular biology lab (that I had yesterday, it's only on every 2 weeks), and I definately think that guy is interested (I didn't exchanged details with him yet, and on the surface I think he is very unattractive, but when I consider that 6 months ago I though day9 was very unattractive, and yet I still developed a crush on him, I am thinking that maybe this guy could be worth a chance). Why do I think he is interested? He talks to me, consistently smiling and giggling.

 

So yeah, I am trying to become aware of guys I would naturally overlook. If I give that molecular biology guy a go, it would have to be slow, to see if his personality wins me over.

 

Anyway, I am looking forward to tonight now.

 

Another problem I think I have when it comes to attracting men, is the shift, due to aging. In the past, men always responded to me as a sex object, and so my instinct with regards to attracted men is still very much, by playing the role of the sex object. Of course, regardless of how attractive you guys may think I am, I am kind of past being able to get by on looks alone. Also I never attracted the right men by being "the sex object". So for the last half dozen years, I have been trying to transition to something else, but because I still can't really comprehend what that is supposed to be, I am still having no luck attracting the right men.

 

The difference now, is I can be invisible to the sleazy guys, simply by not making an effort in appearance. So basically I have attracting men by inciting their libido, or not attracting men, but am still lost when it comes attracting men to me as an actual person (as opposed to a living sex aid).

 

Any ideas! Especially all you people who have had good healthy relationships.

[Titania22]

Hey Guys,

 

I wanted to let you know I am feeling alot better after this thread, and getting all your feedback. I am also feeling less desperate, and more confident overall. I feel very happy to just get out there tonight and have a fun time.

 

And I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who contributed to this thread.

 

You guys are all really awesome, and hopefully we will all find what we want very soon.

 

♥

Titania

[Professor X]

am still lost when it comes attracting men to me as an actual person (as opposed to a living sex aid).

 

Any ideas! Especially all you people who have had good healthy relationships.

 

Well, keep in mind that what you're asking is to attract a man via your personality and as you know, man are very visual beings, so the first things they will notice about you will be your eyes, hair, boobs, ass, lips, etc... not how smart you are, or funny or what not.

And this applies to both men who want you for your looks alone and for those who want more from a woman.

 

So you will end up attracting both guys who want you for your looks as well as those who want you for more than that.

You question should be how do you filter those 2 types, in that case, I'd say make clear moves that you're interested but insist on taking it slow or get to know them very well prior to doing anything romantically (i.e. become friends before).

[Titania22]

Well, keep in mind that what you're asking is to attract a man via your personality and as you know, man are very visual beings, so the first things they will notice about you will be your eyes, hair, boobs, ass, lips, etc... not how smart you are, or funny or what not.

And this applies to both men who want you for your looks alone and for those who want more from a woman.

 

So you will end up attracting both guys who want you for your looks as well as those who want you for more than that.

You question should be how do you filter those 2 types, in that case, I'd say make clear moves that you're interested but insist on taking it slow or get to know them very well prior to doing anything romantically (i.e. become friends before).

 

Thanks, that makes perfect sense. To me there is little difference between a best friend and a partner, except for sex, so having read your response it seems obvious that a potential partner should first be a friend.

 

And with the other guy saying about having conversations with guys rather then just asking them out. Maybe my real life focus should be similar to the starcraft focus, in that it is to make as many friends as possible. This is all a reasonably new concept for me, and I have spent my life with only one or two friends at a time.

 

I had fun tonight. I played with the same people as last time and got the phone number of 2 of them (a girl and a guy). They are both doing their PhDs and are around 27. Quite a few people there are grad students, so it's not all the very young.

[Professor X]

Thanks, that makes perfect sense. To me there is little difference between a best friend and a partner, except for sex, so having read your response it seems obvious that a potential partner should first be a friend.

 

And with the other guy saying about having conversations with guys rather then just asking them out. Maybe my real life focus should be similar to the starcraft focus, in that it is to make as many friends as possible. This is all a reasonably new concept for me, and I have spent my life with only one or two friends at a time.

 

I had fun tonight. I played with the same people as last time and got the phone number of 2 of them (a girl and a guy). They are both doing their PhDs and are around 27. Quite a few people there are grad students, so it's not all the very young.

Cool about the phone numbers! Good for you =)

 

Though interestingly enough you said the only thing that different a friend from a partner is sex? What about chemistry? I think that plays a major role in it, don't you think?

For me, a friend can only become more than a friend if me and her click, just something that ignites us to one another.

Friend with sex is just FWB for me special, but not a partner.

 

And btw, more friends = larger dating pool, because those friends can also potentially introduce you to your future SO So more friends = more potential.

 

Just sayin'!

[Titania22]

Cool about the phone numbers! Good for you =)

 

Though interestingly enough you said the only thing that different a friend from a partner is sex? What about chemistry? I think that plays a major role in it, don't you think?

For me, a friend can only become more than a friend if me and her click, just something that ignites us to one another.

Friend with sex is just FWB for me special, but not a partner.

 

And btw, more friends = larger dating pool, because those friends can also potentially introduce you to your future SO So more friends = more potential.

 

Just sayin'!

 

Maybe that's why I have generally only had 1 or 2 friends at a time, because if we don't click (get each other), then the friendship doesn't last. I am not used to being friends with people and keeping them at arms distance. I generally don't maintain friendships if there is no connection.

 

As for chemistry, I always thought people meant sexual attraction when they said that.

 

And I know the word friend has been muddied by generic online usage like facebook friends, star craft friends, etc. But to me those are more like acquaintances.

[dispatch3d]

Thanks, that makes perfect sense. To me there is little difference between a best friend and a partner, except for sex, so having read your response it seems obvious that a potential partner should first be a friend.

 

And with the other guy saying about having conversations with guys rather then just asking them out. Maybe my real life focus should be similar to the starcraft focus, in that it is to make as many friends as possible. This is all a reasonably new concept for me, and I have spent my life with only one or two friends at a time.

 

I had fun tonight. I played with the same people as last time and got the phone number of 2 of them (a girl and a guy). They are both doing their PhDs and are around 27. Quite a few people there are grad students, so it's not all the very young.

 

Lol grad students. They are too easy to talk to. Just ask them what their studying and a couple questions. You won't be able to get a word in, and they'll just go on and on and on for like 3 hours until you stop them. At least that's what I'm like.

[Els]

I guess I really wish you and somedude had managed to make it work. You two seem great for each other, and there would be two much less lonely people on LS.

 

I'm not sure what to say to you, much like I'm not sure what to say to him anymore. For some of us, our pool of potential mates are just smaller. Not that we're any less worthy or good people, it's just that we don't have mainstream appeal, and perhaps don't have mainstream tastes.

 

Do you have any cybercafes where you live, that a large group of young people go to play at? Guys tend to be wary of hitting on girls over the internet, partly due to not wanting an LDR, partly because they're never sure who's really a girl!

[Els]

Aaalso, which Starcraft server do you play on - USA? I play on occasion but never had the time recently to practice enough to get out of 2nd-noobest league without being carried. :/

 

And, the vidgame club is a great idea. Met the ex and current bf at one of those.

Edited October 6, 2011 by Elswyth