UmbrellaBoy Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I've written about my situation before, mainly on the "Other Man" forum. I've been involved for over a year with a guy, long-distance over the internet (but including a few trips up to see him), in a sort of emotional affair. It started out innocently enough as friends (though I fell for him very quickly and told him), but he got a local boyfriend about a year ago. But we sort of...continued the emotional involvement and it got more and more intense, I dedicated a lot of time to talking to him, sent him gifts, played things a little hot-and-cold at times, and he began to develop some pretty intense feelings for me himself. When I visited him this spring, we shared his bed and there was some physical intimacy (though not sex, just shirtless cuddling...) and the situation was complicated by some religious questions for all involved. I ended up cutting him off at the beginning of the summer because of all the ambiguity and mixed signals, which caused a whole crisis and mess wherein (according to a mutual friend who has served as both of our confidante) he really started feeling torn between his boyfriend and me and was indecisive about it, and even did some things to seemingly try to get his boyfriend to break up with him (because he's too afraid to do it directly) but it backfired because the boyfriend is sort of a doormat and went along with everything and forgave him. Still, he made certain concessions and he and I made-up for about a month and everything was fine again. Then he drops the bombshell that he's moving in with his boyfriend. Basically, he chose him (well, chose him again in terms of this second "moment of decision" he came to) because he had the geographic advantage; he was nearby and had the inertia of already being in the "official" relationship. I freak out and blow-up because I feel like I've been jerked around, cut him off again, but then I think, "Hm, no, there are clearly some major fissures in that relationship already, I shouldn't give up" and apologize to him and end up making plans to move to his city (which I've now done). He doesn't talk to me for 6 weeks except very minor exchanges about the factual details of my move. The boyfriend sends a "back off" email (though the boyfriend is NO threat to anyone, he's very weak). I go forward terrified he'll simply never speak to me again (or get a restraining order or something, lol, though there would be no terms for that; I was respectful of his wishes to take some time apart and would never harass him or anything.) Well, I get here. A few days later he breaks the ice, strikes up a conversation with me online about the practicalities of my new life here. Says he wants to meet (though the boyfriend "won't be very supportive of that") and discuss things. It's a bit awkward/tense/chilly as one would expect after a month and a half, but friendly. He's been busy lately, but we talk a few more times in the following week by text. He asks for my mailing address in the city and actually ends up sending me a poem he wrote (though not a love poem, a religious poem; still very special, all handwritten and dedicated to me) and I thank him for that by text today and we continue making some friendly small-talk. But still, indeed, the talk is very "small," just factual stuff about our lives and awkward pleasantries. Our mutual friend/confidante (who, on the one hand, wants me to end up with him in the end but, on the other, vehemently disagrees with me breaking them up rather than letting that run its own course) has let it slip to me that me being here seems to be "slowly persuading" the guy to rethink his decision, and (now that he's gotten over the shock of such a dramatic gambit on my part) is making him want me more and feel more and be tempted to leave his boyfriend. Obviously, he isn't planning to cut me out of his life entirely. This poem seems a very positive sign. Wanting to meet (in spite of the boyfriend's objections) and clearing the air seems good. What our mutual friend told me makes it seem like I have a chance. I tend to think that if there are feelings and history there, it is impossible to maintain distance this soon after if we resume contact like this. If there is chemistry between two people...it tends to continue it's natural progression once you let your guard down, slip back into old patterns (have a few drinks together...), etc At the same time...things are still rather awkward/distant right now. We've talked maybe once every three days in the past two-weeks, and only very briefly compared to the 1-2 hours we used to spend every weeknight (he was with the boyfriend on weekends). The conversations are still just sort of small talk and pleasantries about the practicalities of life. Things seem to be slowly picking up the pace in the past few days, especially now with the arrival of the poem, but we still aren't talking as much as we used to, and certainly not as "deeply" or naturally. So I'm wondering if there is anything I should do to help the thawing, or to help rekindle things back to old levels? I don't want to suddenly seem needy. Especially given that me moving here is already extremely aggressive, I want to lay off and give him space and time. It may just be that I have to wait until he's ready to meet to clear the air in person over a few drinks (is there anything I should say in THAT situation to improve my chances??) I want to wait for him to suggest it again though; I assume he will soon enough, since he brought up the idea of a meeting in our FIRST ice-breaker conversation. Or should I be more bold and suggest it? I don't want to seem like I'm constantly pestering him, though. How long should I wait between text conversations with him? 2 days? Should I send an email. I don't think we're really at the phone-call stage, yet, especially since I never know if his boyfriend is with him and that could be awkward if he's trying to keep our renewed interaction discreet. Hm. I'd like things to warm up more though. The signs seem to be there indicating they potentially could, but I want to do my part to make sure things don't sort of fizzle awkwardly and anticlimactically because of awkwardness.
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