What Do/Did You Tell People?

[MissBee]

So it is a fact that there are nuances in affairs. Some affairs are completely secretive for both the MAP and the OW/OM, some OW/OM come to LS because they believe they can't tell the people in their lives about their relationship scenario, some say some of their friends know they are in an A, some say their friends/family know they have a bf/gf but don't know they are married, some say that some of MAP's friends/family know about them, some even say everyone on both of their ends knows (sometimes the BS included---which is another topic in itself, as I am not sure if that fits into the classic paradigm of an affair).

 

Where do/did you fall?

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

Edited September 21, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

100% honest with this relationship as with any other. If I was open about the previous one, I was open with this one. My private life does not and has not spilled in to my work life.

[MissBee]

100% honest with this relationship as with any other. If I was open about the previous one, I was open with this one. My private life does not and has not spilled in to my work life.

 

I'm not quite sure which aspect you're answering. How does work vs. private life relate? Can you elaborate, if you don't mind? I don't want to reiterate the questions and you can of course answer the question(s) in whatever manner you choose, but I broke it up into specific questions to help guide the discussion, as it is sometimes easier to think about your situation and discuss when you're answering a straightforward question.

[Circular]

So it is a fact that there are nuances in affairs. Some affairs are completely secretive for both the MAP and the OW/OM, some OW/OM come to LS because they believe they can't tell the people in their lives about their relationship scenario, some say some of their friends know they are in an A, some say their friends/family know they have a bf/gf but don't know they are married, some say that some of MAP's friends/family know about them, some even say everyone on both of their ends knows (sometimes the BS included---which is another topic in itself, as I am not sure if that fits into the classic paradigm of an affair).

 

Where do/did you fall?

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

 

To our mutual friends we were just friends. And we worked at keeping that guise, though I have no doubt they wondered just how close we might have been at times, even early on before it was an A our chemistry was noticeable. I only have one old friend that knew of the A and this is someone that I've trusted my whole life and isn't associated with my W in any way; that person also was/is dealing with a similar situation.

[Silly_Girl]

All my friends and family know he was living with his wife when we met. No one at work knows. No one at work knew my ex either, or anything about that relationship so not sharing details (such as marital status) with colleagues or employees is nothing new as they knew nothing about my private relationships anyway. Hope that clarifies. I was equally secretive/open about this relationship as the previous ones.

[MissBee]

Where do/did you fall?

My friends knew I was "talking to someone" and my two bestfriends and sister knew he had a gf. For the most part though most people didn't know whether or not I was in a relationship.

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

I did introduce my AP as my boyfriend to friends when he came to visit, with much hesitancy. I had never been comfortable with accepting the gf title (although he was enthusiastic about giving it to me and labeling himself as my boyfriend when I never pushed for that) and I think I used it out of sheer convenience versus saying "My friend" or something that wasn't quite true either. But I was conflicted within myself about our titles.

 

His best friends knew about me though...and maybe it is a cultural thing, but they of course all knew the gf too and accepted my presence in his life as normal, they encouraged it and no doubt kept the secret from her! I remember once when he came to visit me for a few days and she of course didn't know he was visiting me, but his friend helped orchestrate the whole thing. He gave her his friend's phone # to call and told her he was staying with his friend and his friend would do this whole thing where when she would call, he would put her on hold then call me on 3 way and then that's how the call would be connected so that she would never know he was with someone else and not staying with him. I was really appalled at the level at which his friends seemed to almost volunteer themselves to lie for him! None of them seemed in the least bit perturbed and seemed like they would all band together to help the other in "such matters". It seemed like culturally it was taken for granted that men are supposed to have multiple women and secret affairs, therefore it is the right and duty of other males to help in whatever way they can to facilitate such scenarios for "the brotherhood" and therefore there was no need to be secretive about it.

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

It was a mixture. My status changed depending. On one hand I refused to claim exclusivity to him if he couldn't do that for me, but on the other hand I treated him like a bf and vice-versa and in talking about him to other people he very much sounded like my bf. Again, there was a conflict within me about whether or not I was in fact single or taken. Some days I felt more inclined to think of myself as taken and other days I was like whatever...I'm single.

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

Yes...all the above explain that. There was always a conflict about how to define my relationship status.

[MissBee]

All my friends and family know he was living with his wife when we met. No one at work knows. No one at work knew my ex either, or anything about that relationship so not sharing details (such as marital status) with colleagues or employees is nothing new as they knew nothing about my private relationships anyway. Hope that clarifies. I was equally secretive/open about this relationship as the previous ones.

 

On his end, did his friends/family know?

 

Did you ever feel hesitancy (within yourself that is, and not in terms of what you present to others) about how to define your relationship?

[Silly_Girl]

On his end, did his friends/family know?

 

Did you ever feel hesitancy (within yourself that is, and not in terms of what you present to others) about how to define your relationship?

 

He told his cousin, but then stopped confiding. Then his wife, then we broke contact. During NC he saw his brothers for a family event and broke down in front of them and told them all about me.

 

I didn't really feel hesistancy. It's hard to feel hesitant about something so rewarding and beautiful. My mum was the only one, because I knew she would be anti every man, married, single, rich, stupid...

[Gentlegirl]

xMM and I lived about 50kms away from each other... he in a small mountain village and I in the city.

 

Our worlds were poles apart... different life styles , no friends or acquaintances in common.

 

I chose to tell three very old and trusted women friends that I was seeing a married man. They were very supportive and I told them the absolute truth.

 

My daughter found out by accident. I had adn emergency trip to hopsital and she needed to come to my house to straighten out some accounts for me. Of course she found photos etc. She didn't say anything for a long time but when she did, she was very hurt that I hadn't told her upfront. My son in law knows also.

 

There was no need for me to tell anybody else. We never ventured into each other's worlds at all.... it was a secret.

 

Gentlegirl.

[So Very Confused]

So it is a fact that there are nuances in affairs. Some affairs are completely secretive for both the MAP and the OW/OM, some OW/OM come to LS because they believe they can't tell the people in their lives about their relationship scenario, some say some of their friends know they are in an A, some say their friends/family know they have a bf/gf but don't know they are married, some say that some of MAP's friends/family know about them, some even say everyone on both of their ends knows (sometimes the BS included---which is another topic in itself, as I am not sure if that fits into the classic paradigm of an affair).

 

Where do/did you fall?

I have only told a couple of people and one of those is my therapist. I'm not proud of what I've done. I do think my friends and family would judge me harshly for being in an A.

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

No way. I never met any of his and he never met any of mine.

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

This is a hard question. I considered myself single but felt bad about it. When someone specifically asked, I would tell them I was recently separated/divorced. I tried dating while in the A and felt guilty about it. It didn't seem fair to the guys I was dating and it caused tons of friction with the MM.

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

This was subject of many hours of therapy and mental gymnastics. I didn't feel available for sure. Since we stayed at each others' places together 4 nights a week, and did everything together, it felt like a marriage in a lot of ways. The only time we weren't together is when we were at work or when he was at home. (he lived in another city) I never told anyone I was dating anyone so I always felt like I was living a double life with my friends and family.

[SoMovinOn]

Where do/did you fall?

 

Everyone one my side knows I am dating a MW - family, friends, coworkers...

On her side, there is no one who knows, which is to keep her H from knowing, with the exception of a female co-worker/friend of hers in whom she confides.

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

I suppose I answered this above, but, I can ad that my family already knew her, because we had dated during our teen years. When she came back into my life now, I got the impression all of them assumed she and I would end up back together from the start.

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

I am committed to my GF. Until we get D, I am still married to my W. I cannot imagine any situation I have been in where anyone would feel compelled to ask my status. If it were to come up for some reason, I would say I am "Not available"

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

None. I plan to get D. I plan to marry my GF if/when she gets D.

[Ilmhb3]

So it is a fact that there are nuances in affairs. Some affairs are completely secretive for both the MAP and the OW/OM, some OW/OM come to LS because they believe they can't tell the people in their lives about their relationship scenario, some say some of their friends know they are in an A, some say their friends/family know they have a bf/gf but don't know they are married, some say that some of MAP's friends/family know about them, some even say everyone on both of their ends knows (sometimes the BS included---which is another topic in itself, as I am not sure if that fits into the classic paradigm of an affair).

 

Where do/did you fall?

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

My friends and family thought I was single. My 91 year old Grandfather asked me recently, and I told him "nope, no bf!" My co-workers however, thought I was in a normal committed relationship. He came to my work functions, holiday parties, came and ate lunch with me at work. I met MMs cousin and friends, but I was a "friend"

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

It depended on who asked. To my hair dresser, friends, family I explained myself as single. I didn't consider myself "single", and MM was actually very jealous and protective. I avoided situations where I might be approached by a single man. I didn't feel that I was available

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

YES! I knew that my heart belonged to someone, but I couldn't take him to go visit my parents, I couldn't meet his parents, etc... I couldn't do all the things people do with their SOs. The status of a relationship with a MM/MW is not easy to define what so ever

[jwi71]

 

None. I plan to get D. I plan to marry my GF if/when she gets D.

 

SMO, is that new?

Are you getting your D soon?

I was, for some reason, under the impression you weren't getting a D - or was it getting a D anytime soon?

I think I remember you were holding off because of finances yes?

[MissBee]

This was subject of many hours of therapy and mental gymnastics. I didn't feel available for sure. Since we stayed at each others' places together 4 nights a week, and did everything together, it felt like a marriage in a lot of ways. The only time we weren't together is when we were at work or when he was at home. (he lived in another city) I never told anyone I was dating anyone so I always felt like I was living a double life with my friends and family.

 

I relate a lot.

 

Like Gentlegirl as well, our lives did not overlap so in some ways I and he was "free" to carry on the A but in another sense it felt like a definite double life. We lived in 2 different countries! He came to visit often and of course could be free in the streets without fear of "being caught". His gf also did not live with him, making it that much easier for him to compartmentalize and have a totally separate relationship as no one was over his shoulder day and night to notice anything strange. There was no fear of mutual friends, coworkers, neighbors and all those types of complications. Although, it still is a small world and he's from my country of origin, which is indeed a small world, so although I no longer lived there, he did and it was possible that someone knew someone else...BUT it was still a lesser chance than in some situations.I did feel like he gave me a lot of his time and I wondered when he spent time with his gf as he seemed to always be in contact with me (phone, text, webcam, IM, email).....

 

But none the less, there was only so much I could compartmentalize and "forget" and no matter what it was still painfully obvious that it wasn't a "normal relationship". it could only exist as normally in certain situations and vacuums...I can't do that. You need to be MY boyfriend, 24/7, to whoever is looking, in ever city, every country, to your family, your friends, my family, my friends...not only sometimes, to some people, in some contexts and some other person thinks they are your partner too.

[MissBee]

Everyone one my side knows I am dating a MW - family, friends, coworkers...

On her side, there is no one who knows, which is to keep her H from knowing, with the exception of a female co-worker/friend of hers in whom she confides.

 

 

 

I suppose I answered this above, but, I can ad that my family already knew her, because we had dated during our teen years. When she came back into my life now, I got the impression all of them assumed she and I would end up back together from the start.

 

 

 

I am committed to my GF. Until we get D, I am still married to my W. I cannot imagine any situation I have been in where anyone would feel compelled to ask my status. If it were to come up for some reason, I would say I am "Not available"

 

 

 

None. I plan to get D. I plan to marry my GF if/when she gets D.

 

If you're planning to marry her...how does that sit with you that her getting a divorce is an if and not a 100% when?

[MissBee]

YES! I knew that my heart belonged to someone, but I couldn't take him to go visit my parents, I couldn't meet his parents, etc... I couldn't do all the things people do with their SOs. The status of a relationship with a MM/MW is not easy to define what so ever

 

Are you guys still together?

[SoMovinOn]

SMO, is that new?

Are you getting your D soon?

I was, for some reason, under the impression you weren't getting a D - or was it getting a D anytime soon?

I think I remember you were holding off because of finances yes?

 

Yes.

 

I am giving my W time to get herself together and leave on her own terms. She needs to find a full time job, decide where she will live, she has some issues with depression and alcoholism... and together, I wanted us to get our finances in order. She is somewhat of a hoarder - bad, but not extreme - so, we are working through getting that stuff cleaned up. There are things we need to take care of in the event we decide to put the house on the market. Selling the house now seems unlikely, so I have been working on getting things dialed in so I can just stay here myself.

 

There has been a lot of progress and improvements, especially lately. There have been some extremely challenging moments (including her taking her alcoholism to an extreme, wrecking her car, ending up in the emergency room psych ward - not all at once, separate incidents...), but we seem to be past that now and she has been doing very well lately.

 

We've been more focused on physically splitting. The D part of it just seems like a formality. We could do it right now. We can do it whenever... For right now, until she gets a job with medical insurance, I figure it best to just keep it this way so she is covered. Although, I also worry the opposite way - concerned she'll get a DUI, or worse, hurt or kill someone, dragging me down with her in the process (at the very least, financially).

 

Of course, with my GF being M, it's not like I need to move things along here quickly. I don't think it will be any less than a year or two before my GF gets D, if ever. If she were single, I'd be in much more of a hurry to get things over with here.

[SoMovinOn]

If you're planning to marry her...how does that sit with you that her getting a divorce is an if and not a 100% when?

 

Fine. She says it's a definite. I believe she means that. I also know, she doesn't like to hurt anyone and she would hate to appear to be the bad guy. I also know her H is mentally and verbally abusive and he scares the hell out of her sometimes, so, she is afraid to push the issue of D, even though they both agree their M is over. I know that her fear of his abuse becoming physical (he has offered to shoot her for various reasons now and then, sometimes as "A joke"), may keep her there.

 

I'm a realist. Until it's done, it's an if.

 

As for me being fine with that... as this M ends, I've decided I have no interest in falling in love again, starting over with someone else again, dealing with wading through the muck of dating. GF slips through a loophole in that I was already in love with her. It's new, but, it was already there too. Does that make sense?

 

She was my true love then. I blew it. I get another chance. She loves me like no one else ever has or will. I've loved her for all these years. It makes no sense to me to even consider anyone else. It's either her, or no one. It would be like trading in a Bentley for Chevy. I am hers for as long as she wants me, however she wants me.

 

However, being a realist, I do know the longer we carry on this A, the more chances we have of getting caught. I would think the smart move for her would be to get out before that happens. ... but, she will leave when she is ready. In the mean time, she knows I'm not going anywhere.

[fooled once]

So it is a fact that there are nuances in affairs. Some affairs are completely secretive for both the MAP and the OW/OM, some OW/OM come to LS because they believe they can't tell the people in their lives about their relationship scenario, some say some of their friends know they are in an A, some say their friends/family know they have a bf/gf but don't know they are married, some say that some of MAP's friends/family know about them, some even say everyone on both of their ends knows (sometimes the BS included---which is another topic in itself, as I am not sure if that fits into the classic paradigm of an affair).

 

Where do/did you fall?

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

As someone who was once involved with someone separated/married; I told the truth. He was separated. He lived alone (I had been there several times, including spending the night; but we spent most nights at my house as it was more comfortable than his apartment). I introduced him as the person I was dating. I found it silly to call him my 'boyfriend'. When he gave me diamond earrings for Christmas, in front of my whole family, they knew he was more than just a guy I was dating. My friends knew he was separated.

 

His kids were grown - he was 18 years older than me (and no, I had no daddy issues) and his parents were dead. I did meet his sister though.

 

Now, once he returned home, you know, to 'pretend' he was working on the marriage so that he wouldn't look like the "bad guy" when he left, I sidestepped many questions for a bit until I realized I deserved more and wanted more and refused to 'wait'.

[mzdolphin]

Where do/did you fall?

 

This is what made finding out that he was married devastating for me. I thought he was divorced. We carried on like a normal couple. Because his wife lived in another state, this was easy for him to do. I mean I could call anytime, he stayed at my place days at a time. I went to his place. We went out freely. He met my brother, my son. He invited me to an event where he was working. So I was telling everybody about this wonderful story about me reuniting with a guy I had dated almost 20 years ago and how wonderful it was going.

 

 

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

Once I found out, told his wife, and then we continued the affair, I was honest with my siblings and close friends about everything that went on. Because at the time, he was talking about ending his marriage and apologizing for his deceit, stating he believed his marriage was over.

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

After I decided he wouldn't get divorced (although he claimed to be torn) I always considered myself single. And told him I was waited for him. In fact once I started dating, I totally kicked him to the curb. Weird, but I told him, I've never cheated on anyone and wasn't about to start. So things changed and the exMM became by "fall back" relationship and he didn't like that at all. Had the nerve to be jealous. I was like "you're freak'n married dude."

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

No, I thought he was my boyfriend before I found out he was still married. After finding out I didn't consider myself a mistress. I was only in the complicit other woman status for a couple of months, meaning I had convinced myself I could wait it out until he filed for divorce. I wasn't comfortable with that status and soon it moved to me struggling with how to end it, but knowing I would end it.

[eleanor01]

Where do/did you fall?

 

He has told two friends and his brother. I have told two friends.

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship?

 

I told my friends that I had fallen in love and that he was married.

 

Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

 

One of the friends I told does not know him. The other one does. I know his family, but not well. Our lives are very intertwined, even outside and before the affair, but we have not told the people in those circles. As a matter of fact, when we are together in the context of the rest of our lives we are friendly, but kind of distant. We don’t sit next to each other, for example.

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

I have been single for a very long time and the people in my life know why. Occasionally, somebody will try to fix me up with somebody or a guy will ask me out, but my response is the same: I am single, I love being single, and I just am not in the market. In fact, I wasn’t looking for anything when I fell in love. So, as far as most anyone else knows, I am single.

 

On many occasions he has made clear that he doesn’t want to hold me back from having a more traditional relationship if something better comes along. Nothing better will come along, so the point is moot.

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

Hmmm. Between ourselves we refer to each other as “boyfriend and girlfriend.” That is how he refers to me when he talks about me to his friends. I don’t really call him anything other than his name when I talk about him to my friends.

 

Interesting question, Miss B.

 

Best,

Ellie

[Summer Breeze]

So it is a fact that there are nuances in affairs. Some affairs are completely secretive for both the MAP and the OW/OM, some OW/OM come to LS because they believe they can't tell the people in their lives about their relationship scenario, some say some of their friends know they are in an A, some say their friends/family know they have a bf/gf but don't know they are married, some say that some of MAP's friends/family know about them, some even say everyone on both of their ends knows (sometimes the BS included---which is another topic in itself, as I am not sure if that fits into the classic paradigm of an affair).

 

Where do/did you fall?

I made it clear that my friends and anyone I knew were aware we were in an R. We had some common friends and I told him I wouldn't hide from them or anyone. I didn't. He spent time with most of my family and they all knew he was M. I wasn't embarrassed. If I was I wouldn't have been with him. They were sad for me that because of the circumstances it wasn't ever going to be anything longterm but they knew I'd end it when I needed to.

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship? Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

I introduced him by his name. It's how I introduce everyone. Even when I was M I didn't introduce 'my husband' I introduced the man I married and proudly gave his name. Anyone who knew us knew we were M. Anyone who knew xMM and I knew we were together and he was M and I was single. I never changed anything when introducing him.

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

I was single.

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

No it was pretty clear he was M and I wasn't. I never allowed our R to dictate anything in my life. Maybe that's why I didn't feel like I needed to define anything.

 

 

Answers in bold

[Capris]

 

Current and former OW/OM/MM/MW, what did you tell people about your relationship?

 

What relationship?

Most people know we are just close friends.

 

Did you introduce your AP to friends/family, did you just mention it to the closest people, were you introduced to their friends and family?

I have introduced him to family, but as a friend. My closest friends (2-3) know all the details, i have regretted on telling one though, he didnt exactly kept it a secret. Bad.

 

Would you/did you consider yourself single or taken when asked?

 

I always tell people im single. It kills me.

 

Did you have any hesitancy or uncertainty about how to define your relationship status?

 

No, i totally belived i was single, cant take a lie that far if you dont convience yourself, now can you?

 

Overall, this secret has done tons of damage to me. I have forgotten how a normal relationship is, i cant be honest to most of the people i know, friends are fewer because of this.