I'm too nice?

[M2155]

M2155... Yea... I guess I got lazy a few months before our break up and didn't really show her how special she is and how important she is to me... I was too busy concentrating on my own stuff... I have a question though... Did you leave the guy that took you for granted..? If you do, do you still have strong feelings for him after and if one day he is able to fix this problem, will you consider him again..?

 

You're going to laugh but no I didn't leave him and I think he took me for granted because I let him by being TOO NICE! I was like "oh, you have problems, I'll sacrifice my needs." If I could do it all over, I'd talk to him about it and then he'd make an effort for a while, and then fall back into his old ways. And then I'd break up with him so he'll realize I wanted to be treated a certain way. If he really wanted me, he'd know I mean business and I think a man respects a woman who knows her value.

 

I still have strong feelings and would consider him again if the circumstances were right but he left me for his ex (so she took him back so it can work...lol). He values her, I just let him have whatever he wanted. But hypothetically, it would take some time to convince me. Start simple without intentions and be appreciative of the time you spend. Take initiative, but not throw yourself at me. Joke and flirt and be CONFIDENT yet a little elusive because you don't want me to know I could have you back any minute. I think re-attraction takes time.

 

@Lucio if I had to guess she probably didn't hate you but just wanted to make herself feel better by taking a stab at you. Wounds by words. Maybe ike the emotional equivalent to slashing a tire. Take the words

Edited September 22, 2011 by M2155

[DenumChkn]

Two things: 1) She is 23, this could very well be GIGS, which would mean it does not matter what the reason was, she was going to break up with you regardless because she has issues about herself and her own life which need to be resolved before she can be totally committed to you. Read this thread for more:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

 

2) I think part of the reason I was dumped was because I was being too accessible and didn't have enough of my own thing going on (although she used the excuse that school was starting and she would be too busy to have time for a relationship ). I don't get this whole concept of 'making her feel special and like shes the world to you', but simultaneously somehow putting things on your terms. How do you accomplish these goals simultaneously? I've been dumped for this reason in the past too I think (granted they have both been young girls and I think GIGS was involved) and to this very moment I'm not sure how I can improve upon this in my next relationship. I was my own man in the beginning and no doubt that's why my ex was attracted to me, but the more she became attracted to me the more I capitulated to her because I believed it was what SHE wanted. It feels like a catch 22, how do you maintain attraction without purposefully neglecting your lady? Hopefully some ladies can give us some perspective on this.

[M2155]

I’m sure all the rules are different in the honeymoon stage but I haven’t been lucky enough to stay in that long.

 

My guy who was “too nice.” He was always available. If I wanted something- not that I asked, but just talked about something, he would do it for me. Whatever I had going on, he was willing to join me. Granted we were at school at the time in the case I’m thinking of but he didn’t hang out with his friends enough. It was always about what I wanted and I wasn’t as giving to him in return. Not only did it feel imbalanced but he really didn’t give me a chance to give back and appreciate it. Like I don’t have to do anything and he’ll just shower me with attention. Also if you don’t ever have an argument about something, I don’t think it’s real…lol. He would have grown to resent that over time because he would have felt taken for granted. I liked the guy too but he was just too wet puppydog. There should always be some of this but not ALL THE TIME.

 

Now imagine the extreme opposite of that and I was the one taken for granted because I just accepted it, which I think made him lose respect for me or see me as less valuable.

 

What I want? First I want to be attracted! Flirt with me, chase me a little, but don’t throw yourself at me. Be confident enough that you don’t care if you get me because we all want what we can’t have (easily). Personally I dig a guy who thinks he is irresistible and fires me up enough to want him- at any rate the courting should be fun! Then the man who says “you are my girl” and regularly lets me know (words, actions, whatever) that I am special. Every girl and guy has their own favorite way to feel special (gifts, affection etc..). All women feel special when a guy listens and openly communicates with us. That’s great you open the car door for me but real communication reaches me emotionally.

 

However, do not lose yourself! Have your own life outside of us and stick with it. I just think being too close, too much, gets too boring too fast (but we’re all different). Take the lead and initiate activities or conversations and the girl will think you’re a star. But don’t be the puppy dog ready to jump the second she wants something. My ex used to work 2 jobs and go to school but somehow he always managed to fit me in (in the beginning) and I appreciated how he made time for me. If he wanted to hang out with his friends I appreciated that he let me know he need time with the boys but would make plans for me the next day. Contrary to me- who just put water on the dying flame, when I had a spare moment the first thing I did was call him. Fri, Sat, Sun… “hey what are you doing?” It’s like this guy could have me whenever he wanted so why make any effort? As he made less and less effort, I made more and more and attraction was around zero. I think there has to be some balance of attraction, effort and mutual appreciation. One person can't do all the giving, that's "too nice"

 

Totally my opinion. I’m going to read TheDovic’s suggested books;).

Edited September 22, 2011 by M2155

[fetish1980]

This is a funny situation.

 

My ex was a type of person who often wanted to control situations. Alot of times i agreed to it, and that's when we got along (lol). When i didn't agree with something, we'd get in the worst arguments. Right before our break up, i stood up to her about a habit she was forming that i didn't agree with. Right after, we break up. She has tried to come back but i didn't go back.

 

So the "nice guy" scenario can't be applied in all cases. REally, you have to be a man and be able to draw boundaries. Say "no" and mean it! Don't agree with all their viewpoints, challenge them, tease them

 

If you say "no", and your ex finds out that sometimes she can get you to change your mind, she's going to think of you as somewhat a chump that she can work on and eventually get what she wants. When you don't give it to her, that's whe she'll either give you the silent treatment or try to "bully" you by being upset. I'm talking from personal experience here with my ex can't you tell? lol

 

fetish

[silly_panda]

It also depends on whether your ex is open or mature enough to accept your point of view... Sometimes my ex makes bad decision and I told her not go on with the plan... I gave my reasoning and I had got facts and experience to back it up... But she is stubborn and will still go with it... When I didn't agree with her decision, she will feel that I think that she is stupid (I never think that she is) and didn't support her... *sigh*

[Lucio]

yea i totally understand what u mean silly_panda.

sometimes i say no! and she totally thinks i'm unreasonable and childish. e.g. i wanted to spend her birthday with her and she came to tell me she had signed up for a marathon and is going out with her colleagues after that (because they are running together). i hit the roof! and then she just goes "u are being unreasonable! i'm not going to talk to you. u can throw a temper all you want!"

 

*sigh*x2

 

i've been less kind to other exes, and they came saying i'm not as nice as this or that, or i've neglected them, or they think they are not important to me and blah.

 

i treat this one like a princess, and she says i'm too nice.

 

finding the equilibrium is rocket science.

 

m2155>> those books are not even accessible in my region. =_=

 

i wanted to tell her how i've just hired a new guy in my office and how the interview went, because she always liked to hear about my work, and i'd always update her first hand. but i think i'm going to swallow it this time.

[Mack05]

Lucio the ONLY way you might get this girl back (and it's a longshot) is to do thisd thing u got at ther weekend. At the end of the 'date' you explain that you are no longer a couple and it's too soon to be friends. Ask her to respect your space.

 

Next comes the important part. I shall put it in bold. NO MATTER WHAT DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT. If you are Facebook friends, defriend her. You do not call text or email her. You do not reply to any attempts she makes to contact you. NO MATTER WHAT.

 

The relationship is probably over. Now it's time to show yourself some self respect. She will not respect you if you chase her. Let me repeat that..She will not respect you if you chase her..Get through the weekend and put your nc plan in place.

[Lucio]

hey mack05,

the thing i can promise is i'm not gg to kneel/cry/whine/beg for her to take me back this weekend. i still have this bit of pride left, and i know that's just juvenile and doesn't work. and good thing is i don't use social networking media much. so no worries there.

 

as for no contact, well, many of us here hold it like the golden rule, but i personally have had a very very bad result from NC, and a good result from not doing NC. there's actually different variables in the background at work there, so i will just keep my mind open about it for now.

 

i'm really tired, having gone thru this turmoil the whole week. for the first 3 days i was perpetually tearing or going to cry. yest n today was slightly better. i didn't go all emotional, though i feel being ripped apart inside. i was even able to conduct an interview.

 

i've learnt counselling stuff a little, and i know where all the advice comes from. and i know even as a counsellor they don't tell their clients to do something or not do something. they just tell them to be aware, of their emotions, of the situation, of their choices. everyone needs their grief to run the full course, if it's cut short it just doesn't work. some of us make the bad move, but it's our mistake to make.

 

right now i'm just trying to clear my head and work out everything. and i hope i can do it by the weekend.

 

thanks! really.

 

and thanks to all who had talked to me over the last few days.

 

will keep you guys posted.

Edited September 23, 2011 by Lucio

[DenumChkn]

I'd be curious what the story is behind your 'bad result' from going NC?

[geegirl]

Yes, I am curious about getting a bad result from NC. Do tell.

[Lucio]

hi geegirl and DenumChkn,

 

my first reaction at your question was "you mean to tell me no one else have ever had a bad result from NC?"

 

anyway,

the story goes back to my other r.s. many years back. it used to be us hanging out sometimes with a small group of friends, and she started to get close to one of them. and so she asked to break up because she's seeing this person now.

 

it was too much for me to take. i treated this person as a buddy. and imagine it's always both of u in the front seat driving your buddy around who sits behind, and all of a sudden u are in the backseat looking at your "buddy" with your girl in front.

 

it was a no-brainer for me that i needed to go NC then. there was no way i can look at them in the eye and they totally didn't seem to have a tinge of guilt towards me at all. so i told her i will leave them alone and i will not attempt to contact her at all.

 

she took it as an emotional blackmail straightaway. like as though i was telling her "u either have me or not a scrap at all". i kept telling her no, i'm not blackmailing u, u don't have to call me, i just need space to heal! i need to go away for some time, and i can't treat u as a friend right now because i loved u too much. but she would have none of it. to her the NC was something for weak/emotional/crazed ppl and i was making a mountain out of a molehill. from the moment i walked away she just took me to be mental.

 

and i kept to my NC. she called me a couple of times over the first 2 years of the NC and i didn't pick up. then she started leaving messages in my voicemail, and i would always be sad to tears listening to them. in the 2nd year i picked up one day, and i remembered she was surprised i picked up. i said "y did u call if you think i wasn't going to pick up then?" and she said she was waiting for it to go to the voicemail. it stirred a lot of emotions in me at that time, and we talked for an hour, but she thanked me for the conversation and went back to her life and i went back to my NC.

 

another year went past. and she called me one day to tell me she was in a car crash and her chest hurts. i rushed down to her place and turned out she was out. a week later she called me out for lunch to "thank me for the concern". a few days later i found out that she had blogged abt me after that lunch. it's so many years i don't remember word for word, but it basically says something like "i absolutely hate xxxx, always being like this. even though i said i'm fine, still came down to my place! and always making me feel stressed! i just want to run away during the entire lunch!!" i remember my tears dropped onto my keyboard with zero latency.

 

basically the only effect NC had on her since day 1 was she started to treat me as a lunatic, and no matter how i've never begged her/only showed concern once in that two years, it never redeemed me. it has been 8 years since, and she still treats me like a psychopath. true that NC is not abt her, but abt me. but beyond the fact that it allowed me to escape the cruelty of seeing them together, it didn't really make me feel fantastic. i nv got over the fact that the person i loved so much treats me only as a lunatic. though if u ask me again, i would still say NC was my only choice then. i would have killed myself if i'm made to see them together from the backseat.

 

 

i have other r.s. where i didn't go NC. we slowly distanced, but nobody ignored nobody. the last one before my current case, she would mail and call pretty frequently, i would always talk to her, encourage or support her, and now we are friends.

 

it could be that i'm always the older one, and they expected me to be the sky they've always looked up to and never came tumbling down.

[M2155]

Maybe I need to read that again but it sounded like NC was working...

[Lucio]

lol.

 

in summary, when i did the NC, yea sure, i did move on, but i am the lunatic and our relationship is beyond repair. can't even be friends. if u are the sort that treasures fate/ppl/meetings, it would possibly hurt to lose someone totally like that.

 

when i didn't do the NC, i still moved on, we are still friends, and i'm not a loon.

[geegirl]

Maybe I need to read that again but it sounded like NC was working...

 

I had to the same feeling. More a case of not applying NC correctly and realizing it's purpose versus NC not producing right results.

 

Good luck Lucio.

[Lucio]

Lol.

I'm not saying NC doesn't produce results. But the results can sometimes come w a cost. Without NC it's still possible to recover, and perhaps even recover better, just that perhaps it takes longer. Just think of it like western vs Chinese medicine. One of my friends even went on a trip w her ex though her heart is aching like mad. But she decided she would like to see her ex, and knows what to expect n how to handle things, so none of us said NO! Are u nuts? U r so wrong! And sure, nothing further came out of it, but it didn't get worse either. so I won't say NC is the hard and fast rule and prescribe it to everyone here as though it's omnipotent.

 

The only hard n fast rule I agree w is no matter what, don't behave like a juvenile and cry n scream or kneel in public. NC is prob to ensure we don't do exactly that.

[silly_panda]

Lol.

I'm not saying NC doesn't produce results. But the results can sometimes come w a cost. Without NC it's still possible to recover, and perhaps even recover better, just that perhaps it takes longer. Just think of it like western vs Chinese medicine. One of my friends even went on a trip w her ex though her heart is aching like mad. But she decided she would like to see her ex, and knows what to expect n how to handle things, so none of us said NO! Are u nuts? U r so wrong! And sure, nothing further came out of it, but it didn't get worse either. so I won't say NC is the hard and fast rule and prescribe it to everyone here as though it's omnipotent.

 

The only hard n fast rule I agree w is no matter what, don't behave like a juvenile and cry n scream or kneel in public. NC is prob to ensure we don't do exactly that.

 

 

I heard the samething from one of my friends too... He said he needs to be friend with his ex to remind himself that there is no hope... He still contacted her after the break up... It took him 6months to really let go though... But he said he just need to let it go using the hard way... I guess everyone got their own way of coping that suits them... Whichever way works for you man... Good luck...

[Lucio]

Good morning world (gaaa I'm having a hangover)!

 

I'm gg to wash up n brace myself for the meet up.

Im more nervous than gg for my piano exam.

 

I'm not expecting a hell load, just hope at least she dun bring someone (new) along. I only have 2 rackets.

 

Fingers crossed.

[Lucio]

hey guys,

i'm back from the meet up.

 

i reached 30 mins earlier, because i thought i might need some time to compose myself. then she texted to ask if i was home still, and was thinking about postponing the meeting to another day because she injured herself the previous day and can't play.

 

my first reaction was anger because my previous experience with my ex immediately floated up. i guess it's natural after you've been hurt very deeply, ur brain immediately associates things for u and throw all sorts of red flags. (that woman, basically called to tell me on my bday that she cannot come to my party, that she told me to organize, because she had tonsils. when i called she was at karaoke with someone else, and screamed at me that i cannot expect her to do anything for me because she's not my gf anymore, and hung up.) anyway, it was terrible. in my mind all sorts of angry thoughts swarmed up.

 

i tried to get a grip, and texted her "i'm alr here". and she said ok how abt we meet but don't do sports? and i replied one word "ok". for the next 15 mins i was in the toilet trying to control myself from not thinking all sorts of negative stuff.

 

then i went to a nearby mall and walked around, and managed to contain myself, that i was able to text her light-hearted messages like "hey u are slow as usual", "u always have things crop up before u leave the house man". to which she replied normally like "sorry! pls go to starbucks first!"

 

when she arrived i tried to show her some funny stuff that i saw in the mall, and she was like "ew.. this is weird" and we just went about normally. in some ways it did feel like our first date a little, when both of us are unsure of each other.

 

it also turned out she was telling the truth, she had a huge swelling on her limb and yea i didn't think she could play either. heard that she knocked into something at the pool the day before, and she went with her girlfriend. then they spent the night playing board games till this morning with her mom. i think she's telling the truth too that there's no other party involved.

 

she didn't build a wall to keep me out either. when she told me of her injury i just naturally turned her around to have a better look and tried to rub a little before telling her to see a doc. she had a new necklace on that had an intricate machinery design which looked like it totally worked, and me being the tech geek, just reached over and tried to see if it could be opened. (i swear i really was just intrigued by the gears and stuff on the pendant) she didn't step behind nor anything. other times we mainly sat down and chatted about her work, my work, and some gossip abt an irritating guy at my work (she digs gossips).

 

but no, i don't think we are gg to jump on each other like tmr or what. i'm not having ideas or hopes for whatever. (too drained to have ideas). it's just that it was a comfortable meet up and i appreciated that she had always been telling me the truth. i hope she appreciates that i didn't corner her today and do things like "pls take me back! pls pls pls!".

 

i told her that my sister had invited both of us for an outing (they seemed to enjoy each other) and she didn't decline. just that she will be very busy because of some course that will be held daily for the next 2-3 weeks, so we can't schedule any time soon. and i know this is the truth too.

 

it was a fairly short meeting, like 2 hours, before her girlfriend came over to meet her for their housewarming. her friend was nice, and tried her best to leave us alone.

 

before she dropped off to her destination, she turned around to tell me "hey, tell me about that guy in office again ok?" the only weird part was she gave me a pat on the shoulder when she said that. feels like she doesn't know if she should hug me as usual. this is the only point when i did feel a little sad.

 

i'm still considering if i should ask her out for lunch sometime next week and let her know i agree the break this time was necessary, so that the next time we meet we can start on a clean slate, and both of us don't have to bear "the ex" brand on us. it doesn't mean we will patch like one month down the road, but i hope to let her know that i'm not working on forgetting about her if i go take up a new hobby, but i'm working on how to recall myself. when we see each other again 2-3 weeks later, i hope we will be like how it was when we began - exploring options with an open mind, and not like "ok i must not do this, we have broken up." but well, i'm still considering. though i feel like sleeping again. will prob sleep on it for now. brain can't function.

 

hope u guys have had a good peaceful day too.