Lucio Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi, My gf of two years just broke up with me saying that I'm too nice. We broke up 3 months ago over the same reason for a day, but managed to patch back up because both of us were too sad. This time round she seems more determined. She keeps saying that I'm too nice and she cannot match my level of tender loving care. She said she still loves me but she feels i deserve someone better and its being unfair to me. I fear my love might have become a burden to her. What should I do? I've never asked for more than a smile on her face. It rips me apart if I've become so stressful for her.
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Alright I probably did something dumb. We texted a little and talked about work n stuff, though seriously the change in her tone killed me. And then she just said something like "haha thanks. I know how to take care of myself. U just take care of yourself k?" I don't know y that new courtesy just broke me down n I cried. N i texted her "I miss u". Silence for what felt like eternity before she said "what do u want me to say". I said "u don't have to say anything. If u want u can drop me an emoticon" and then silence from her after that. We r gg to see each other for a while this weekend because we had made an appointment previously. I think I will try very hard to do a NC till then.. If I find myself picking up the phone I will prob log in here instead, hope someone here will show me some support so that I keep in my NC. I feel really shattered now but I don't want to look all useless n clingy n floppy to my gf..
carhill Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 She keeps saying that I'm too nice and she cannot match my level of tender loving care. She said she still loves me but she feels i deserve someone better and its being unfair to me. Overwhelmingly likely decoder: I've met someone else. From your posts, you sound young, college age or younger. If so, this stuff is pretty normal. The good news is that, at your age, the world is your oyster. Lots of pearls to pick. Get moving. Good luck.
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 I'm actually alr 29 n completed college. She's 23 though. I did ask her point blank the last time if there's someone else and she said no. She's not the kind to say what she doesnt mean so i took her word for it. And seriously I'm too scared to ask again. She's also occupied with her current job, driving lessons, socializing with new colleagues and old friends and her new night classes start next week. It seems more to me that she's just have too much in her life right now all fighting for her attention. And because they are all new, they get higher priority than me.. Like air, she probably won't realize my presence till I'm gone.
wilsonx Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I did ask her point blank the last time if there's someone else and she said no. She's not the kind to say what she doesnt mean so i took her word for it. And seriously I'm too scared to ask again. I'm too nice is the most bull**** excuse I have ever heard. Its like my ex telling me I was a good boyfriend but not a great boyfriend then she leaves me for someone else. Not only that but your post right here actually proves it. Carhill is spot on with his assumption, you are just too "nice" or what I call naive to see it. It honestly does not matter. You can be the "nice" guy and theres nothing wrong with that as long as you stand up for yourself.
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 yea i get ur bold point. i really should stand up more for myself. i don't know when was it that i've started to become the door mat.
Buttercup84 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I would love to meet a guy who's " too nice " she sounds too immature honey . I know it's so hard but you deserve better .
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 it's extremely hard. she was still texting me abt lunch that morning and asking why i didn't text (because i had meetings) the day before. then she shows up in my office and dropped me this bomb. and then she stopped texting me or calls me "hey" in her messages. i can feel my heart crack with every breath i take.
M2155 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Hey I was too nice in my last relationship. And I've dated guys that were "too nice" as well. Let me tell you, too nice= I'm just not that attracted to you. I like you and feel like/wish there was more here, but there is no spark/conflict/passion/something to get me going. What if your boss was always nice? Never challenged you. Never got upset about anything. Was okay with whatever. Didn't react. It sounds ideal but you would get bored. Too nice=boring. Sorry I'm guilty of it too. I was too afraid to rock the boat and ended up being thrown overboard.
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 M2155 u r right.. But God what can I do now? We r meeting this weekend (unless she cancels on me) and I dont know what I should say. Should I pretend it's our first date, n just enjoy the meetup, n totally say nothing abt the breakup? Or should I try to persuade her again mildly? I didnt text her today n intend to keep it that way till I see her again. She likes my intellect so I've been rehearsing my lines in my head so that I dun sound like a crazed teenager on that day n totally put her off.
fuzzbella Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 These are the things they say to make thereselves feel less guilty. You deserve better, im not good enough for you, ill still be your friend, its not you its me, someone will be so lucky to get you one day, your an amazing person. They say these things because they know what they are doing is wrong but they try to make thereselves feel better. What they mean to say is, i dont want you, ive found someone who i 'think' is better, sorry deal with it. Im always nice in a relationship because shouldnt you treat that person like your world? Something you begin to notice is the nicer you are the more they dont want you, because if you give it to them its no longer something they want. They go for the bad boys because you cant have them and it makes us want you more. Think of it like, when you were a child and when you went to a shop and you would ask your mother for a certain toy and each time she said no, it would make you want that toy more. But when she finally says yes you can have it, you get it and realise its not as good as it once was because now you have it, and you no longer need it so you toss it to the side and start wanting something else that you dont have again. Its not you that is doing anything wrong, its the other person taking you for granted, what you do to make them see what they had is you take it away, take everything away, no contact. When did dating and relationships become so complicated? What happened to, i like you, i like you too lets be together for long time. I have no idea what happened to love in the world, its all up and left.
M2155 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Trust me. Nice=boring. I'm not saying don't be nice! I'm just saying two things: 1.) the person for you, won't see you as "too nice," because they'll probably treat you likewise 2.) don't put trying to please the other person above your needs #2 is what I did. Examples: I really want to discuss this/that, I want you to plan a date but I'm happy you're here now so I'll let it slide, I want attention you give to your friends but I don't want to seem needy, I want to tell you I'm crazy about you right now but don't want to scare you away, I'm mad you were late but I'm going to let it pass etc...but I stayed silent. I just smiled and was happy with whatever I got at the moment. And I feel like an idiot looking back because I didn't set boundaries. If I were you I would: a.) Cancel - take some time apart for her to forget how nice you were. You sound nervous and analytical and it's better to take some time to be sure of what you want. Or b.) I don't know the nature of your meeting but in conversation just don't sweat it. Feel free to talk about what you want. Talk about what YOU are looking for in your next relationship or describe what your ideal woman will do. Talk about the type of things you are not willing to accept. It's not about being "un-nice" it's about making what you want important too. Honestly I loved that my ex knew what he wanted, it was attractive to me. He had high standards and I respected that about him. It's just confident to know/show you are good enough and if that person can't see it, it's their loss- instead of trying to bend over backwards or "trying to work with them" hoping they'll react a certain way. This is just my experience as a "nice girl." Nice girls finish last too:( Going forward, I AM THE PRIZE! I'm definitely nice if you recognize that;)
M2155 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 And I'm not justifying "too nice" as a good "breakup excuse" although if the person doesn't want to be with you, that's their choice regardless of the reason. I'm just telling you what "too nice" means IMO;)
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 U r right that I'm nervous m2155. As the weekend approaches I'm getting more n more jittery. I've learnt a little counselling stuff, so yea, I do know how to break apart the situation from all the different angles. Over the few days I've locked myself up and tried clearing my head. It's just not easy to decide if I'm letting emotions cloud my judgement or if I'm having too little faith in her. For e.g. I think it hurts her as much. Her mom told me she went home with terribly puffy eyes the day she dropped the bomb on me. or maybe it means nothing. I just keep ping-ponging like this. I'm like doing mental gymnastics in my head n i'm so tired. I actually sleep more now. But one thing has become v clear to me from this forum - it's time it's about me too. P.s. I'm sure u are a nice lady too.
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 When did dating and relationships become so complicated? What happened to, i like you, i like you too lets be together for long time. I have no idea what happened to love in the world, its all up and left. I've no idea. I actually kinda envy my grandparents. Arranged marriage, n u r expected to love each other till the end of time. Whoever cheats get drowned. Saves so much heartbreak.
silly_panda Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Now I'm confused... I was planning to be a lot nicer to my next girlfriend and give her more attention... Cause the reason for my break up was i wasn't nice enough to my ex and I took her for granted... Reading this thread kinda make me wonder how nice will be 'too nice'... Anyway... Lucio... Don't lock yourself up too much man... Getting out, work out, and meeting people is a much better way to clear your head... Getting more sleep is a good sign for self recovery... Keep it up and keep us updated...
TheDovic Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 If you want a chance "nice guy" then I HIGHLY recommend you read these two books (download the kindle app if you need to). After sitting with these two short books you'll know exactly where you went wrong and MORE IMPORTANTLY how to put this right. This is not difficult and there are no tricks! David DeAngelo "Attraction isn't a choice" http://www.amazon.com/Double-Your-Dating-Communication-ebook/dp/B005E9UWPU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316707171&sr=8-1 & John Alexander " - Reattraction: Get you woman back in 30 days or less" http://www.amazon.com/Re-Attraction-Your-Woman-Back-ebook/dp/B002EZYXG6/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1316707228&sr=1-1 TWO THINGS: 1. You will NOT get your ex back in 30 days or less, the title is misleading but this book will tell you why your ex dumped you i.e. YOU WERE BEING A WUSS and women aren't attracted to this. I'm not trying to be mean here dude, I'm trying to help!!! It will also tell you however how to correct your behaviour. 2. Ignore this if you want but if you keep acting too nice you will NEVER get her back AND you will likely experience another breakup like this. Trust me, I was a nice guy too and have went through this twice! Good luck buddy
M2155 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Now I'm confused... I was planning to be a lot nicer to my next girlfriend and give her more attention... Cause the reason for my break up was i wasn't nice enough to my ex and I took her for granted... Reading this thread kinda make me wonder how nice will be 'too nice'... QUOTE] I am not an expert on this but I remember dating a guy who I thought of as "too nice" and it was not attractive. Like gee, I can run all over this guy. If I say jump, he's going to ask how high- how boring! Tease, flirt, challenge, don't just handover what I want. You know they say a man values what he has to work for, well women want to be earned/won over! I've also been in your ex's position of feeling taken for granted. A girl wants to feel appreciated and wanted. Like, she means a lot to you and you show her this (whatever way she needs- i.e. the 5 love launguages). Your situation might not have been about being too nice or not. Feeling wanted and appreciated is an emotional need. What women want can be summed up in 5 words= We want to feel special. Now figuring out how to do that is your challenge
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Silly_panda, tell me about it. I'm just as confused. And hell, u just made me recall wtf I'm now "so nice". Had a gf many years ago n when she wanted to break up, she kept telling me abt her new beau and how that ass "covers her with a blanket at night" when I "usually just sleep like a dead log". Until now I still dunno which hurt more - that I was actually so uncaring in her eyes or that she was actually telling me she had slept e someone else in that manner. Dude, I feel horrid right now. Yea sure I will update. It's nice to know i have several ppl here behind me. Thanks all. I'm just so unsettled over the weekend n now haunted by ghosts of the past.
TheGrimSweeper Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 If I were you I would cancel the meeting with her, she planned this on her time right?
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 No grimsweeper, I planned it a few weeks back, and we have booked the facility. It's just an hour thing. Her close friend is having housewarming and she bothered to arrange w them n go over later. So it kinda feels petty for me to cancel. N though I hate to admit, I really want to see her again too..
M2155 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 @Lucio I don't think you should go. If you must, just keep it friendly and be yourself. You're broken up right? Don't treat it like a date. And the story about your ex, she didn't leave you because the dude does things. If I told an ex somthing my new guy does, I'm only telling him because I have feelings (love or hate) and I want to make him jealous or feel bad. There's nothing wrong with being "nice," you should always be nice and considerate. The right girl will appreciate that. Just don't accept something you don't want or less in return because you were trying to be nice. This comedian once said "if you want to confuse a woman, give her everything she wants"
silly_panda Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 M2155... Yea... I guess I got lazy a few months before our break up and didn't really show her how special she is and how important she is to me... I was too busy concentrating on my own stuff... I have a question though... Did you leave the guy that took you for granted..? If you do, do you still have strong feelings for him after and if one day he is able to fix this problem, will you consider him again..? Lucio... I guess what a girl/woman like will be a guy who is able to lead and at the same time adore and treasure her...
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Hey there m2155, Wow she must have really hated me then. Though I can't figure out why. I didn't cheat! N ok.. Y am I even talking abt another woman now..
Author Lucio Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Hey silly_panda, I think u r right. I've thought girls wanted "equal". U know the "don't walk behind me I might not lead, don't walk in front I might not follow, walk alongside me" thing? But yea it seems girls get 2nd thoughts when they get more autonomous. =_="
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