LadyFlame Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi guys (and girls if you have some advice!) I was wondering if you could help me with this issue because I'm not sure how to proceed next .. There's a guy at work I recently started to fancy. He was in a bit of trouble at work with regard to his health and I just so happened to be there and I helped him out. Anyway, I haven't really noticed him before but I've been working in my job for over a year and I do recall in the beginning he gave me definite (but subtle) signs of attraction but I wasn't interested. Recently, I've started sending him a couple of emails enquiring about work-related stuff and he's always perfectly polite and friendly but he never gets the conversation going any further (leading me to think he's not remotely interested in me.) We passed each other at work yesterday and our gazes lingered on each other for longer than is usual and he did stop to make conversation with me, but I don't know if that's just how he is in general. It doesn't help that he's very good friends at work with a guy who really doesn't like me (personality clash). I hardly see him because he's in another department and I'm hypersensitive to rejection (even talking to him about work I worry that he thinks I'm hitting on him.) I know I've given very little to go on but does anyone have any ideas at all about this? It would be so appreciated.
eatNrM Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi guys (and girls if you have some advice!) I was wondering if you could help me with this issue because I'm not sure how to proceed next .. There's a guy at work I recently started to fancy. He was in a bit of trouble at work with regard to his health and I just so happened to be there and I helped him out. Anyway, I haven't really noticed him before but I've been working in my job for over a year and I do recall in the beginning he gave me definite (but subtle) signs of attraction but I wasn't interested. Recently, I've started sending him a couple of emails enquiring about work-related stuff and he's always perfectly polite and friendly but he never gets the conversation going any further (leading me to think he's not remotely interested in me.) We passed each other at work yesterday and our gazes lingered on each other for longer than is usual and he did stop to make conversation with me, but I don't know if that's just how he is in general. It doesn't help that he's very good friends at work with a guy who really doesn't like me (personality clash). I hardly see him because he's in another department and I'm hypersensitive to rejection (even talking to him about work I worry that he thinks I'm hitting on him.) I know I've given very little to go on but does anyone have any ideas at all about this? It would be so appreciated. Well, given the above there's really nothing to be baffled about. Seems like the ball is in your court now, don't you think?
Author LadyFlame Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Well, given the above there's really nothing to be baffled about. Seems like the ball is in your court now, don't you think? I wish, but this was over a year ago when this happened. He'd keep staring at me and pass me comments and I could definitely feel something but at the time I wasn't interested ... I figured that if he was remotely interested he would respond to my emails with more enthusiasm or initiate some kind of conversation? As it is, it's all just polite and friendly ... What is he thinking, do you think?
eatNrM Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I wish, but this was over a year ago when this happened. He'd keep staring at me and pass me comments and I could definitely feel something but at the time I wasn't interested ... I figured that if he was remotely interested he would respond to my emails with more enthusiasm or initiate some kind of conversation? As it is, it's all just polite and friendly ... What is he thinking, do you think? He's probably not thinking you're interested, or is waiting for some type of sign from you that you may be interested. I mean it would make sense for him to respond with more enthusiasm if he was interested, so I mean he very well may not be. Honestly it may come down to you either taking a dive and straight up initiating some activity to find out if he is, or bide your time until he does something that might signal interest. Obviously the former will happen a lot quicker than the latter.
FitChick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Do you really want his friend, a guy who dislikes you, to know everything about your personal life? Never date a co-worker.
Author LadyFlame Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 He's probably not thinking you're interested, or is waiting for some type of sign from you that you may be interested. I mean it would make sense for him to respond with more enthusiasm if he was interested, so I mean he very well may not be. Honestly it may come down to you either taking a dive and straight up initiating some activity to find out if he is, or bide your time until he does something that might signal interest. Obviously the former will happen a lot quicker than the latter. So is it obvious that he's not interested then? I don't think I could make a move: it's not looking good if he's not currently interested and I've got this extreme fear of rejection - I come across as very confident but I'm the opposite really.
Author LadyFlame Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Do you really want his friend, a guy who dislikes you, to know everything about your personal life? Never date a co-worker. No, me and this friend of his have a bad history; we were friends at one point but we fell out - he knows a lot about my personal life unfortunately; in fact, my concern was that this friend of his might bad-mouth me to him ..
eatNrM Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 So is it obvious that he's not interested then? I don't think I could make a move: it's not looking good if he's not currently interested and I've got this extreme fear of rejection - I come across as very confident but I'm the opposite really. No one would know for sure if he is or isn't. But again, from what you've written here, you won't be bold enough to find out. So that leaves us with two options: wait for him to make a move, or move on. Basically, ask, or get ready for a nice long wait. Or, naturally, move on if the prior two are not an option.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) So is it obvious that he's not interested then? I don't think I could make a move: it's not looking good if he's not currently interested and I've got this extreme fear of rejection - I come across as very confident but I'm the opposite really. he might not make a move if you dont give him some sort of sign. He has to be uber careful about hitting on women at work. he can get reported if he says the wrong thing. So its up to you to make it more obvious that youre interested in him so he can take the ball. If you dont do that, you will never find out if hes interested. So you can be too chicken (as a grown woman?? really??) to risk rejection, but its not like youre really putting yourself out there by saying "hey wanna get some coffee?" Edited September 21, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author LadyFlame Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 he might not make a move if you dont give him some sort of sign. He has to be uber careful about hitting on women at work. he can get reported if he says the wrong thing. So its up to you to make it more obvious that youre interested in him so he can take the ball. If you dont do that, you will never find out if hes interested. So you can be too chicken (as a grown woman?? really??) to risk rejection, but its not like youre really putting yourself out there by saying "hey wanna get some coffee?" Yes, I am very chicken with this - which is unusual because I'm not chicken with anything else. I'm used to being chased, not the other way round, I have never done this before in my life - unless I've been 100% the feeling's mutual - and I have this extreme fear of rejection. I'm quite a proud person so it will be devastating for me to come off looking like a desperado or something of that ilk. So what shall I do to make it clear I'm interested but not coming across like I am???? I've sent a few emails asking questions about work and dropping the odd line here or there about work-related stuff but it doesn't really get recipricated. Am I being paranoid or is this a surefire sign that he's not interested one bit?
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I would say to try to forget about this. He will make a move if he is interested, despite everything you have written.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) Yes, I am very chicken with this - which is unusual because I'm not chicken with anything else. I'm used to being chased, not the other way round, I have never done this before in my life - unless I've been 100% the feeling's mutual - and I have this extreme fear of rejection. I'm quite a proud person so it will be devastating for me to come off looking like a desperado or something of that ilk. So what shall I do to make it clear I'm interested but not coming across like I am???? I've sent a few emails asking questions about work and dropping the odd line here or there about work-related stuff but it doesn't really get recipricated. Am I being paranoid or is this a surefire sign that he's not interested one bit? Maybe you didnt read my entire post. You have to put your pride aside, and stop worrying about how you will "look". Your guy has to be uber careful about hitting on women at work. he can get reported if he says the wrong thing. So he cannot hit on you. So its up to you to make it more obvious that youre interested in him so he can know youre safe to flirt with. So go to him and say, "hey wanna get some coffee?" If he says anything but yes, then you can take that as a no. The only way you will find out is if you take a chance. I know you want to go with subtle hints that will encourage him to take over, and take away chance of rejection off of you, but you dont have that option in this case. Edited September 22, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
rightfield Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I also would be very careful trying to date a woman at work. You didn't elaborate, but you said that he was in trouble at work for health related reasons. This guy doesn't want to take a chance on being a problem for any other reason. You also shouldn't expect to make this connection via email. I wouldn't put any sort of personal overture into a company email, even if I was sure there was mutual interest. It's just too dangerous to go there. Ask him if he would like to go to lunch. You could even couch in discussing that work related thing you've been emailing him about. You are going to have to give him a little more to go on to make yourself seem approachable at work than you would in another environment.
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