Boyfriend lied about his gay past

[alibalibee]

Hey,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 4 months. I'm 27, he's 26.

 

When we first started dating, he told me he was confused about his sexuality when he was younger, I never thought anything more of it. We went on holiday together after 2 months where he told me that he seen a guy for roughly 6 months, but to him it was nothing more than a friendship, again I thought fair enough and that was that. We fell deeply for each other and are each others best friends. On so many countless occasions we have discussed how amazing we are together, our future etc, and so many times we have picked up on the fact that this was so unique to the both of us - it was both out first relationships, first loves etc...everything was so perfect. When we returned from the holiday, we instantly looked to rent a flat together. A week before we were due to move in, we were drinking and I asked him something about his past, and he came out with the fact that actually it was a 3 year relationship...again, he just seen it as a friendship! The next day I got really upset, mainly at the fact he lied to me about it all, but then I know it must be so hard to tell someone that. We talked on the phone that night about it all, and he tripped himself up and it ended up coming out that they spent 2 holidays abroad together (big holidays to America both times). These holidays, he had told me before that he was there with a friend from uni (he actually showed me photos from one of the holidays and told me how amazing it was before that too!)

 

We met up the day after and talked things through. I made it very clear to him that I had no issue with his past (although it was of course hard to get my head around) but, due to issues I've had in my past, 100% truth and honesty is a must, so I asked, actually pleaded, for him to tell me everything then. I asked him if there were any other holidays like in the UK etc, he said it was just the 2 to the US, if it was sexual in anyway - he said the guy performed sexual acts on him, but in the 3 years, this would have happened only every few months - in fact, that's why he split it up in the end because he didn't particularly enjoy the sexual element with a guy. I also found out that he was a virgin when in fact, when we first met, he told me he had been with a girl before. He told me again he was just confused, he let the relationship go on too long, they never celebrated anniversaries, gave birthday/christmas presents or said they loved each other. He also came out with random things that they didn't do together that I never asked him about in the first place, like he never seen his friends, only seen each other every couple of weeks, never seen his family etc, The only reason they lasted so long was because they got on so well together.

 

Over the past year, we have had fights about this as things weren't adding up. This has been killing me and is pretty much constantly on my mind, purely just the fact that he's lied so much to me, and I had the gut feeling he was still lying. I once found a post he wrote on a forum giving another guy advice to come out and that he had done it a few years ago and had now been with his boyfriend for 2.5 years and was so happy, it was devastating and so confusing to see my boyfriend had wrote this and once thought this way. 2 months ago, I turned round to him and had to say that there are too many things and I feel like I'd be living my life always wondering what the truth was. He eventually told me that there were trips to London and Glasgow specifically to gay clubs, he was also sexual towards his boyf, met his friends a lot etc, they once celebrated New Year in a £300 a night hotel the guy took him to, romantic! So I was like ok, sounds like you guys must have been in love and done the usual presents etc thing that couples do? Yet again, he swore 100% to me that was not the case. Now after dragging it out of him, I find out they were in love, the relationship was actually 3 years 8 months, they did get each other gifts at occasions (although he 'can't remember' them - this was only 2 years ago, of course he does, so now I'm freaking out about what he's hiding now). basically it was a full blown 4 year relationship with a man, where my boyfriend was out as a fully gay man to everyone bar his parents. It worries me that when he was confused with his sexuality, he chose men first.

 

Apart from being extremely, extremely hurt at the constant lies, I am now a jealous person with him as I was made to believe that everything we shared was special and unique to us, and now it isn't. He is now at the stage that he refuses to talk about anything regarding his past, so I am unable to ask him anything to try and get my head around it. I am totally 100% fine with him being bisexual and realise this is something he is still coming to terms with, I'm just so so hurt that he repeatedly lied to me despite me saying that I needed the truth from him so many times. His ability to constantly lie despite knowing it hurts me, worries me as I know I'll never know the full truth. I love him, I 100% trust him in his feelings for our relationship, I'm just not sure I can forgive any more.*

 

I'd like to know if people think his actions were forgiveable? We did have an amazing relationship, should I just try to suck it up and get over the fact he's been in love and done all the usual romantic things before? I hate the thought of it, but that's more because I was led to believe he never had that kind of past.

 

He tells me that he still has an attraction to men and that he realises he's bisexual now (although I do have to admit I hate the thought of him fantasising about men), but he didn't enjoy the sexual element of his previous relationship and if we were ever to split up, he'd only go after girls. But now I'm not even 100% sure that he broke up with his ex...as there has just been so many lies. He started going on online dating sites for girls a month after they split up, which after a 4 year relationship, I think is very quick. If he didn't enjoy the sexual element, why would he want to go round to his house, go on holiday with him when he knew the situations arise?

 

On a side part, I have noticed that it is only with direct sexual contact that he gets aroused - seeing me naked or dressed up, or him sexually fooling with me does not make him physically aroused...even if I start on him, he'd lose it if the scenario changes....it's only when I touch him does he become aroused....is that normal or should I worry about that? He's not much of a sexual person in nature like a lot of men and I'm not used to that, so have been losing a lot of confidence in that way too. Because of this, I am unsure why he'd split up with a man with the main reason being because he didn't enjoy the sexual element of the relationship, when I know that he's not too fussed about the sexual element of any relationship anyway!

 

I am a complete over analyser and have been over thinking things for far too long which has resulted in the last 2 months being a complete nightmare for the both of us. He's staying at his parents house just now to give me some time to think. It's been left that, I need to either go back to him saying I am 100% confident that I am over this and we can draw a line under it all, not ask him any more questions about his past and we can fully move on and look to our future. Either that or I need to properly split with him - which would be heartbreaking as we really are amazing together and everyone sees us as the golden couple, he's a great guy, he's romantic and tells me he loves me all the time, he'd never cheat one me, our families love each other, everything but this is perfect...but he's a complete idiot at the same time for lying so much!!! I genuinely love him a lot, I'm just worried that he's hurt me too much and because of that, we'll never be able to get 'us' back.

 

Sorry for such a long essay, I've kept this all to myself for far too long.

 

Anyone's advice would be much appreciated!! Thanks so much

[KathyM]

Hey,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 4 months. I'm 27, he's 26.

 

When we first started dating, he told me he was confused about his sexuality when he was younger, I never thought anything more of it. We went on holiday together after 2 months where he told me that he seen a guy for roughly 6 months, but to him it was nothing more than a friendship, again I thought fair enough and that was that. We fell deeply for each other and are each others best friends. On so many countless occasions we have discussed how amazing we are together, our future etc, and so many times we have picked up on the fact that this was so unique to the both of us - it was both out first relationships, first loves etc...everything was so perfect. When we returned from the holiday, we instantly looked to rent a flat together. A week before we were due to move in, we were drinking and I asked him something about his past, and he came out with the fact that actually it was a 3 year relationship...again, he just seen it as a friendship! The next day I got really upset, mainly at the fact he lied to me about it all, but then I know it must be so hard to tell someone that. We talked on the phone that night about it all, and he tripped himself up and it ended up coming out that they spent 2 holidays abroad together (big holidays to America both times). These holidays, he had told me before that he was there with a friend from uni (he actually showed me photos from one of the holidays and told me how amazing it was before that too!)

 

We met up the day after and talked things through. I made it very clear to him that I had no issue with his past (although it was of course hard to get my head around) but, due to issues I've had in my past, 100% truth and honesty is a must, so I asked, actually pleaded, for him to tell me everything then. I asked him if there were any other holidays like in the UK etc, he said it was just the 2 to the US, if it was sexual in anyway - he said the guy performed sexual acts on him, but in the 3 years, this would have happened only every few months - in fact, that's why he split it up in the end because he didn't particularly enjoy the sexual element with a guy. I also found out that he was a virgin when in fact, when we first met, he told me he had been with a girl before. He told me again he was just confused, he let the relationship go on too long, they never celebrated anniversaries, gave birthday/christmas presents or said they loved each other. He also came out with random things that they didn't do together that I never asked him about in the first place, like he never seen his friends, only seen each other every couple of weeks, never seen his family etc, The only reason they lasted so long was because they got on so well together.

 

Over the past year, we have had fights about this as things weren't adding up. This has been killing me and is pretty much constantly on my mind, purely just the fact that he's lied so much to me, and I had the gut feeling he was still lying. I once found a post he wrote on a forum giving another guy advice to come out and that he had done it a few years ago and had now been with his boyfriend for 2.5 years and was so happy, it was devastating and so confusing to see my boyfriend had wrote this and once thought this way. 2 months ago, I turned round to him and had to say that there are too many things and I feel like I'd be living my life always wondering what the truth was. He eventually told me that there were trips to London and Glasgow specifically to gay clubs, he was also sexual towards his boyf, met his friends a lot etc, they once celebrated New Year in a £300 a night hotel the guy took him to, romantic! So I was like ok, sounds like you guys must have been in love and done the usual presents etc thing that couples do? Yet again, he swore 100% to me that was not the case. Now after dragging it out of him, I find out they were in love, the relationship was actually 3 years 8 months, they did get each other gifts at occasions (although he 'can't remember' them - this was only 2 years ago, of course he does, so now I'm freaking out about what he's hiding now). basically it was a full blown 4 year relationship with a man, where my boyfriend was out as a fully gay man to everyone bar his parents. It worries me that when he was confused with his sexuality, he chose men first.

 

Apart from being extremely, extremely hurt at the constant lies, I am now a jealous person with him as I was made to believe that everything we shared was special and unique to us, and now it isn't. He is now at the stage that he refuses to talk about anything regarding his past, so I am unable to ask him anything to try and get my head around it. I am totally 100% fine with him being bisexual and realise this is something he is still coming to terms with, I'm just so so hurt that he repeatedly lied to me despite me saying that I needed the truth from him so many times. His ability to constantly lie despite knowing it hurts me, worries me as I know I'll never know the full truth. I love him, I 100% trust him in his feelings for our relationship, I'm just not sure I can forgive any more.*

 

I'd like to know if people think his actions were forgiveable? We did have an amazing relationship, should I just try to suck it up and get over the fact he's been in love and done all the usual romantic things before? I hate the thought of it, but that's more because I was led to believe he never had that kind of past.

 

He tells me that he still has an attraction to men and that he realises he's bisexual now (although I do have to admit I hate the thought of him fantasising about men), but he didn't enjoy the sexual element of his previous relationship and if we were ever to split up, he'd only go after girls. But now I'm not even 100% sure that he broke up with his ex...as there has just been so many lies. He started going on online dating sites for girls a month after they split up, which after a 4 year relationship, I think is very quick. If he didn't enjoy the sexual element, why would he want to go round to his house, go on holiday with him when he knew the situations arise?

 

On a side part, I have noticed that it is only with direct sexual contact that he gets aroused - seeing me naked or dressed up, or him sexually fooling with me does not make him physically aroused...even if I start on him, he'd lose it if the scenario changes....it's only when I touch him does he become aroused....is that normal or should I worry about that? He's not much of a sexual person in nature like a lot of men and I'm not used to that, so have been losing a lot of confidence in that way too. Because of this, I am unsure why he'd split up with a man with the main reason being because he didn't enjoy the sexual element of the relationship, when I know that he's not too fussed about the sexual element of any relationship anyway!

 

I am a complete over analyser and have been over thinking things for far too long which has resulted in the last 2 months being a complete nightmare for the both of us. He's staying at his parents house just now to give me some time to think. It's been left that, I need to either go back to him saying I am 100% confident that I am over this and we can draw a line under it all, not ask him any more questions about his past and we can fully move on and look to our future. Either that or I need to properly split with him - which would be heartbreaking as we really are amazing together and everyone sees us as the golden couple, he's a great guy, he's romantic and tells me he loves me all the time, he'd never cheat one me, our families love each other, everything but this is perfect...but he's a complete idiot at the same time for lying so much!!! I genuinely love him a lot, I'm just worried that he's hurt me too much and because of that, we'll never be able to get 'us' back.

 

Sorry for such a long essay, I've kept this all to myself for far too long.

 

Anyone's advice would be much appreciated!! Thanks so much

Let the guy go. He's confused about his sexuality, and could likely decide later on that he prefers men, and is also more at risk of cheating on you with a man because of this. Also, the fact that he has lied about his past shows that he is not someone you can trust. Do yourself a favor and leave him. Move on to find someone who only has interest in women, and who is honest with you.

[stillafool]

Yes let him go. He enjoyed sex with his ex and is again lying to you. I was told by a bisexual male that the sex between two men is something that no woman can compete with. You will always wonder if this guy is wanting or secretly having sex with other men. If you want to marry one day do you want this from your husband?

[FrustratedStandards]

I agree with the above.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person, but you can't keep worrying about something like this. He can't be in a relationship with someone until he is sure of himself, let alone another person.

 

It would be better for the both of you to go your separate ways.

[Feelsgoodman]

IMO, continuing to be involved with this guy would be a huge mistake.

[SoleMate]

Based on everything you've said, I strongly question whether this man is honestly "confused" about his sexuality. I believe that he almost certainly is gay, NOT bisexual. A big reason is his sexual response to you:

 

...I have noticed that it is only with direct sexual contact that he gets aroused - seeing me naked or dressed up, or him sexually fooling with me does not make him physically aroused...it's only when I touch him does he become aroused....is that normal or should I worry about that? He's not much of a sexual person in nature like a lot of men.....

 

Because of this, I am unsure why he'd split up with a man with the main reason being because he didn't enjoy the sexual element of the relationship, when I know that he's not too fussed about the sexual element of any relationship anyway!

I'm afraid you do NOT know that he reacts the same when in a sexual situation with a man or men. I believe that he probably has a great time in bed with men, and can easily get aroused just by looking at or thinking about a man he desires. You can't trust his reports about his sexuality because he has lied again and again to minimize and conceal his homosexual history, and fabricate a facade of heterosexuality. I am really worried that you are just his most successful attempt at proving to the world he is a normal, straight guy.

 

No, it is NOT normal for a healthy man in his twenties in a close and loving relationship to never become aroused when fooling around with his loving girlfriend or looking at her or thinking about her sexually. On the contrary, easy arousal solely due to thought processes is a powerful norm for men in their twenties and the ABSENCE of such reaction, combined with the long and active homosexual history, almost forces the conclusion that he is truly a homosexual at heart.

 

Hetero men inevitably enjoy looking at women, clothed and naked, and touching them and providing oral sex as well. In fact, they usually can provide as much sex as most women want, without too much trouble.

 

I realize that the above is a difficult conclusion to hear. You obviously love him deeply, and I have every reason to believe that he feels the same about you. Being homosexual doesn't take away his capacity to love people, of course. It just makes it impossible for him to love a woman sexually (and most women in r/s and marriages want to be loved sexually). It also makes it very likely that he will cheat on you with men. Given all his lies, I agree with your suspicions that he may well be seeing his ex, and/or other men, behind your back even now.

 

Lots of men do what your bf is doing - claim to be heterosexual, have gf and even wives, maybe children, perfect Ward and June Cleaver lifestyle, relationships with their s/o that may be emotionally close but sexually distant. They do this because there are powerful rewards for a man in presenting the heterosexual facade. Society accepts it much more easily and wives and gf can provide great companionship, housekeeping, and of course children and mothering of the same. A woman can also provide a sexual outlet even for a gay man...it's just that he probably has to think about men and get active physical stimulation to perform. The man himself may reject a an open homosexual lifestyle due to upbringing, religion, or just his own feelings about what it would mean about his personhood, if he were truly gay. It seems that he is not willing to be open with his parents and they may be a factor in why he has decided to be in a r/s with a female.

 

We have had many LS posters over the years, who found out that their BF's or H's were gay, sometimes after many years. Most ended up breaking up or divorcing, as it is not easy to sustain a happy M/F marriage without the essential glue of a powerful 2-way sexual bond. In many cases, there were ample advance warnings of the type you have described.

 

I'd like to know if people think his actions were forgiveable? We did have an amazing relationship....

Do you want to be in a r/s with a gay man who is probably active? (I myself would not recommend it, both for emotional reasons and because the health risks are unacceptable.) You could forgive him and still end the r/s. That, in fact, is what I recommend.

[AHardDaysNight]

Yeah, it sounds like he most likely is gay, not even bi. Either that, or he's confused about his sexuality, and is not in the proper position to have a healthy relationship.

 

Let him go. You'll feel better afterwards, and so will he.

[serial muse]

Gotta agree with everyone above...I'm so sorry, OP, but I also think you should let this guy go. You really won't ever know what the truth is, and that's just not worth it. Really, really not worth it.

 

The other thing that struck me is that he was out to everyone...except his parents.

 

So, I'm guessing his parents know about you. And that they to this day don't know about this guy? It sounds like he has really struggled with this, to the point where he's trying to go back IN the closet because he can't tell them the truth about himself. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you...but it does mean that there will always be secrets, because HE can't handle the truth.

 

And that's just not something worth losing sleep over for years. You have a chance to step away now - I really, really think you should.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This equation should be fairly easy for the O.P. to solve.

 

 

The absolute best case scenario here is that he's bisexual and he's going to cheat on you.

 

Now why accept a challenge when that is the best you can hope for as a result?