mike588 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I just read a reply from Mack 05 from a thread and he touched on toxic relationships. Can anyone explain how one thinks/feels when their self esteem is in the gutter, and are full of insecurities and seeking emotional fulfillment??( his comments) I wonder if my now ex is an example of that. I don't understand how a person can have low self esteem or be seeking emotional fulfillment then leave you for an ex when I did nothing but tell her how pretty/beautiful she was and gave her lots of other compliments and tons of attention, love and I was wide open for her emotional fulfillment. Doesn't doing, saying those things build self esteem?
geegirl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I wonder if my now ex is an example of that. I don't understand how a person can have low self esteem or be seeking emotional fulfillment then leave you for an ex when I did nothing but tell her how pretty/beautiful she was and gave her lots of other compliments and tons of attention, love and I was wide open for her emotional fulfillment. QUOTE] Self esteem is bred from within. It doesn't come from someone telling you how beautiful you are, complimenting you, tons of attention and love. Self esteem is a perception of who you are and what you are. If the perception of herself is bad, then nothing you can do will fix it. She has to fix it within herself until she sees her own worth.
Author mike588 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Is/ could that be a reason people go back to their exs.?? Something there that they just have to have wether it's good or bad?
geegirl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Is/ could that be a reason people go back to their exs.?? Something there that they just have to have wether it's good or bad? People go back to their exs for various reasons. It's hard to pin point it on self esteem. But if someone keeps going back to a toxic situation, it's most likely an issue of lack of self-worth.
XmaryfeyX Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Like the previous poster said, self esteem comes from within. When your self esteem is in the gutter, there's not much you can do make it better for a while, because if its low you kinda get used to feeling that way and hoping that it will pass. You can build self-esteem but it literally takes the tiniest thing to make it come tumbling down again. This can be something as little as her buying a new top and no-one saying anything about it, good or bad. People with low self-esteem are very emotionally delicate and at times incredibly frustrating because they're nothing you can do as they have a warped perception of themselves: think along the lines of anorexia. If you have done nothing but support this girl and she has gone back to her ex then it could be for a number of reasons 1) Her ex was a jackass and she thinks that is all she deserves 2) She loved you incredibly much and thought that she wasn't worthy of you. She wanted you to find someone better and someone that in her eyes, deserved you and would make you happy 3) She though was pulling you down and that you wouldn't put up with her for much longer. Basically it sounds like you did nothing wrong, sometimes this stuff just happens because you in a relationship at the wrong time (when they feel terrible about themselves) and not neccesarily the wrong person.
M2155 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Self-esteem is not something you can get from another person. I think "toxic relationship" is more being with someone you know is bad and brings you down. You're not confident or believe in yourself enough that you can live without the other person, you are so used to the drama that is normalized for you. Going back to your ex (or with anyone for that matter) if you have a strong emotional bond or genuinely want to try to work things out, I wouldn't describe as "toxic." You have to remember her leaving you had absolutely nothing to do with why she left. I treated my ex waaaayyy better than he deserved- and if anything I think esteem was lower on my side because even when he wasn't giving in return, I felt taken for granted, and there is no emotion in that. But back to the point, she didn't leave because of how great you treated her. If you treated her like crap you may have gotten the same result because it's about how she feels and what she thinks she deserves. We are all capable of treating the person we're dating wonderfully, we are not all capable of generating the same emotional response from the same person. I know you feel betrayed, believe me I do. But keep treating people well because that's the kind of person you are and want in your life. Don't let one bad apple ruin the tree (if that makes any sense...lol)
Mack05 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Mike, I posted this on Toxic relationships. I've been in relationships with thee nicest/sweetest girls in the world but it didn't work. The chemistry and spark just wasn't there both times. I desperately wanted it to be there, because two of my ex's especially had hearts of gold. I just didn't feel 'Love' for them. I wish I knew why. I still don't have an answer for that. My last relationship is described to a tee in the article below. If my ex hadn't dumped me (and forced me to see sense and resolve my issues) I'd have kept coming back. I was addicted to her. We broke up 8 times in one month! Both kept coming back for more. My reason was low self esteem (and the reasons for that) Mike. Your ex may have VERY different reasons. I explained my thinking in my addictive process thread. I think your ex badly needs Therapy (if she hasn't had it already). Mike you need to stop focusing on why she left you and focus on healing yourself and finding a woman that will appreciate being treated like a queen (there are many out there!). Even if she came back, you would be mad to get back with her.. "The beginnings of a toxic relationship with a person can be intoxicating when your partner is brimming with jubilation because you are in their life. After the honeymoon period, the inexplicable dark moments of resentment begin breaking through the infatuation and your partner acts in cold and even cruel ways. These extreme highs and lows are commonplace in “Toxic” relationships. In the most troubled toxic relationships, it is not uncommon for a partner to unexpectedly abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that one cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive - leaving you to feel oppressed and broken. Or you have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools, but the relationship has eroded and you have no more to give. So they leave you - or you break up with them - or one of you finally decides not to reconcile, yet again. Disengaging can be difficult. Rationally, you understand that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do now, yet your emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies your struggle as you feel hopelessly trapped by your desires to rekindle a relationship that you know it isn't healthy - and may, in fact, not even be available to you. Often we obsess and ruminate over what our toxic partner might be doing or feeling, or who they might be seeing. We wonder if they ever really loved us and how we could be so easily discarded. Our emotions range between hurt, disbelief, and anger. Breaking Up Was Never this Hard Is it because they are so special? Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person. In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your toxic partner hung on your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void. Or, your toxic partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve. Doing this made you feel exceptional, heroic, valuable. As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You've felt certain that your toxic partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you have been committed to see it through. Unknown to you, your toxic partner was on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor/Princess”, you were their hope, and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life. Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you. Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck Breaking up with a toxic partner is often difficult because we do not have a valid understanding of the disorder or our relationship bond. As a result we often misinterpret their actions and some of our own. Many of us struggle with some of the following false beliefs. 1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness We often believe that our toxic partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Idealization is a powerful “drug” - and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner's idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special - but not that special.You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes. You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly in the end. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your toxic partner. All of this distorts your perception reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope. 2) Belief that your Toxic partner feels the same way that you feel If you believe that your toxic partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don't count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it's often because the partners are on a different “page” - but much more so when the relationship suffers from toxicity. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it's a culmination of feelings that often arise later in the relationship. 3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your toxic partners concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your toxic partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. 4) Belief that love can prevail Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most - so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now. For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize the relationship, you would need to recover from being a wounded victim and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker - it's not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your toxic partner most likely won't understand - you'd be on your own to find it. They are coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner, it is often much easier and safer to move on than to face all of the issues above. 5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be" The idealization stages of a relationship with a toxic partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes. The idealization that one or both of you would like to return to isn't sustainable. It never was. The loss of this dream (or the inability to transition in to a healthy next phase of love) may be what triggered the demise of the relationship to begin with. A more realistic representation of your relationship is the one you have recently experienced. 6) Clinging to the words that were said We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions . You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are your truth. 7) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder We often think that by holding back or depriving our toxic partner of “our love” - that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us..Absence generally makes the heart grow colder (for the dumper) when a toxic relationship goes into meltdown. 8) Belief that you need to stay to help them. You might want to stay to help your partner. Understand that you have become the trigger for your partner's bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival. If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible. 9) Belief that they have seen the light Your partner (at some stage in the past) may have suddenly been on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in - or you may struggle mightily to stay away. What is this all about? Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of break-ups and make-ups - disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a toxic relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies. Make no mistake about what is happening. Don't be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen"
Author mike588 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Like the previous poster said, self esteem comes from within. When your self esteem is in the gutter, there's not much you can do make it better for a while, because if its low you kinda get used to feeling that way and hoping that it will pass. You can build self-esteem but it literally takes the tiniest thing to make it come tumbling down again. This can be something as little as her buying a new top and no-one saying anything about it, good or bad. People with low self-esteem are very emotionally delicate and at times incredibly frustrating because they're nothing you can do as they have a warped perception of themselves: think along the lines of anorexia. If you have done nothing but support this girl and she has gone back to her ex then it could be for a number of reasons 1) Her ex was a jackass and she thinks that is all she deserves 2) She loved you incredibly much and thought that she wasn't worthy of you. She wanted you to find someone better and someone that in her eyes, deserved you and would make you happy 3) She though was pulling you down and that you wouldn't put up with her for much longer. Basically it sounds like you did nothing wrong, sometimes this stuff just happens because you in a relationship at the wrong time (when they feel terrible about themselves) and not neccesarily the wrong person. Thanks alot. Wow what you said #2 in her last so very sorry email she did say to me that I will find the kind of love I deserve. Interesting. By the way, 3rd time back to him.
Author mike588 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Mack05, Thanks for that. I truely am so much better lately than I have been and have made big progress in getting over her even though I still make threads about my situation. I'm able to sleep good, eat etc. and have joined a gym. I don't cry over her 2 or 3 times a day like I did. Maybe now once, twice a week, Iv'e accepted it and am looking at it in a different way now. It's the part of being betrayed that hurt so much. I know by me making threads on here and reading others have helped me SO MUCH and I want to thank each and everyone of you! I'm in a "curious stage' now and by putting the pieces together helps alot too.
M2155 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I read this lately. It's to women about letting go of me, but I'm sure the message applies. I think we're the ones in the "toxic relationship" (you have to laugh:cool:) http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/hes-with-someone-else-why-her-and-not-me/
geegirl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I read this lately. It's to women about letting go of me, but I'm sure the message applies. I think we're the ones in the "toxic relationship" (you have to laugh:cool:) http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/hes-with-someone-else-why-her-and-not-me/ Love Natalie and her blogs. No nonsense, cut to the chase. Her articles were very helpful when I was struggling.
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