petal28 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 So i had this idea that when the OW/OM is involved with a MM/MW and then decide to call it quits because the MM/MW won't walk away from their r'ships, then its easier for the MM/MW to move on/get over the r'ship compared to the OW/OM. Reason being that the MM/MW have someone to go to, have not invested all their time with the OW/OM and have shared their love around so the break is not "as bad" for the MM/MW. Do you think what i've said is mostly correct?
woinlove Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I think so much depends on the individual it may be difficult to generalize. Certainly some MM/MW compartmentalize well and this makes the breakup easier for them as they can shift the weight between compartments. R's that one has allowed to live in one's head a lot - a lot of time fantasizing, reminiscing, just thinking about the other person when one isn't with them, can make a breakup extra difficult as the actual contact may end but you still have your same head to live with and it can be difficult to shift that around. This particular element can make the end of a secret A especially difficult for some people.
thomasb Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 What Kristi said. When I confessed to my wife it was like moving the elephant off my chest. My stomach had been in knots and I couldn't eat or sleep for a long time. Even though she kicked me out that day and changed the locks, I could sleep that night. Cheating does a really bad thing to your soul.
So Very Confused Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 So i had this idea that when the OW/OM is involved with a MM/MW and then decide to call it quits because the MM/MW won't walk away from their r'ships, then its easier for the MM/MW to move on/get over the r'ship compared to the OW/OM. Reason being that the MM/MW have someone to go to, have not invested all their time with the OW/OM and have shared their love around so the break is not "as bad" for the MM/MW. Do you think what i've said is mostly correct? I haven't ever been on the MW/MM side, but it does seem logical that it would be harder for the OW/OM to get over. I've heard from my xMM several times and he cries and talks about how difficult this is for him. I can't feel what's going on in his heart so I can't say if it's harder for him or for me. I think the reasons you stated are correct though. The OW/OM doesn't have a soft place to land. When my A ended, I didn't have someone who loves me and knows me to go home to. Also, you are right about the A being a central factor in my life. It was what I spent a lot of time thinking about, dreaming about and enjoying. I didn't have another R to spread my focus. Last night when the xMM was crying on the phone I pointed out all of the above and his statement was that he can't go home broken-hearted to her so he doesn't really feel like having her helps. I'm just venting here but he was whining about how he has to drive past the theater where I went on a date and sees a sign for the play I went to every day and how traumatic that is for him and how seeing that everyday reminds him of my betrayal. I told him that during our entire A there were numerous things every day that reminded me he is married and goes home to her and I never complained about it and I certainly didn't whine to him about how traumatic it was. I mean really, he sees a sign and feels betrayed? WTF? What would he say if I would have called crying because I saw a wedding ring and it reminded me of how I was "betrayed". (rant over)
Silly_Girl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It depends. Maybe the day to day pressure eases, but long term ending the affair may not improve the marriage at all and just be a clearing of clouds to see just how bad things are. Which might be very depressing indeed.
wannabdone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I think so much depends on the individual it may be difficult to generalize. Certainly some MM/MW compartmentalize well and this makes the breakup easier for them as they can shift the weight between compartments. R's that one has allowed to live in one's head a lot - a lot of time fantasizing, reminiscing, just thinking about the other person when one isn't with them, can make a breakup extra difficult as the actual contact may end but you still have your same head to live with and it can be difficult to shift that around. This particular element can make the end of a secret A especially difficult for some people. I completely agree with this. Also, another factor I think that comes into play, is the general difference between men and women. Not all of them, but most do in general compartmentalize things. I think men have an easier time (in general) getting over and moving on. They are not as emotional creatures as women. I sometimes wish I could take on that trait!
MissBee Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 So i had this idea that when the OW/OM is involved with a MM/MW and then decide to call it quits because the MM/MW won't walk away from their r'ships, then its easier for the MM/MW to move on/get over the r'ship compared to the OW/OM. Reason being that the MM/MW have someone to go to, have not invested all their time with the OW/OM and have shared their love around so the break is not "as bad" for the MM/MW. Do you think what i've said is mostly correct? I think it's mostly correct. I am sure there are exceptions but I think more or less if an OW/OM was exclusive with their AP, were inlove, have no comfortable fall-back relationship plan and were building castles in the sky and it ends, they have a harder landing than the MP. It may not be that the married person feels nothing and moved on robotic ally, but even in regular breakups, people get rebounds...with a MP they can have a ready-made rebound to go back to to soothe their wounds. It depends also on who breaks up with who. I am not sure statistically how many OW/OM initiate the breakup vs. the MP or vs. an inadvertant dday in which someone (usually the MP) is forced to make a choice in one direction or the other. I imagine that upon a dday, it is even more traumatic if the OW/OM just yesterday were saying I love you's to their AP, then in one quick moment the MP is ending it all in a whirlwind, the BS is yelling at them and they witness the MP taking sides to say "I agree...leave me alone" aka being thrown under the bus. That is very humiliating and hurtful or even in a calmer dday where the BS finds out and then the MP just disappears....the MP may be going through a lot but if they have chosen to stay married they are either going to be now busy with counseling and trying to work it through or dealing with their life being in shambles and trying to piece it together, but overall the situation is usually such that there is more in the way of them having a lot more to take their minds/emotions off it than the OW/OM/. No doubt OW/OM have lives...clearly.,.but in terms of if it was a secret to friends and family , they were exclusive with this person, had dreams of a future and so forth the dynamics of them being left just naturally looks very different from the MP's dynamic.
MissBee Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I haven't ever been on the MW/MM side, but it does seem logical that it would be harder for the OW/OM to get over. I've heard from my xMM several times and he cries and talks about how difficult this is for him. I can't feel what's going on in his heart so I can't say if it's harder for him or for me. I think the reasons you stated are correct though. The OW/OM doesn't have a soft place to land. When my A ended, I didn't have someone who loves me and knows me to go home to. Also, you are right about the A being a central factor in my life. It was what I spent a lot of time thinking about, dreaming about and enjoying. I didn't have another R to spread my focus. Last night when the xMM was crying on the phone I pointed out all of the above and his statement was that he can't go home broken-hearted to her so he doesn't really feel like having her helps. I'm just venting here but he was whining about how he has to drive past the theater where I went on a date and sees a sign for the play I went to every day and how traumatic that is for him and how seeing that everyday reminds him of my betrayal. I told him that during our entire A there were numerous things every day that reminded me he is married and goes home to her and I never complained about it and I certainly didn't whine to him about how traumatic it was. I mean really, he sees a sign and feels betrayed? WTF? What would he say if I would have called crying because I saw a wedding ring and it reminded me of how I was "betrayed". (rant over) It's ridiculous when you consider it. My former AP was the same way! He was oh so sensitive about the most mundane things, seeming completely oblivious to the fact that I had to put up with so much more and be aware of so much more! It seemed like my feelings about his situation didn't matter and were small change compared to my larger "transgressions" Smh. I do think though their logic is that we come into the situation "knowing the deal", it was a priori, so we chose it whereas we were single when we met them and in their minds we are theirs exclusively, and if that should change along the way then it is a betrayal!
MissBee Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 In my case...MOW with MOM (former)...I don't really know for sure what he's going thru as we haven't talked in 3 months...but I think we both have it hard but for different reasons... For him...I do think he loved me but just couldn't "pull the trigger"...so does he miss me?...I hope so but who knows...xMOM had several ddays and his wife and kids and family all know...so he's at home doing damage control and guilt control ("for the kids") and maybe missing the R he had with me at the same time...not exactly a soft place to land IMHO...but like someone said already...he's a man so I do think there's some truth to it being easier for them... For me...my H doesn't know...my M was already weak...so I'm at home "mourning" the loss of xMOM...but having to wear a smile everyday so no one knows the difference...so I can still go to work and still have the energy to care for my children and trying to decide if I want to stay M or not...so I do have "someone to go home to"...but not exactly a soft place to land... I do often think about the single OW/OM and how difficult that must b for them to not "have" anyone else...I'm sure that's hard...but I think we all have different levels of bad no matter which side of the triangle we're on or what our R status was pre-A...as well as the BS's...it's just bad for everyone... LinD Very True!
wannabdone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 In my case...MOW with MOM (former)...I don't really know for sure what he's going thru as we haven't talked in 3 months...but I think we both have it hard but for different reasons... For him...I do think he loved me but just couldn't "pull the trigger"...so does he miss me?...I hope so but who knows...xMOM had several ddays and his wife and kids and family all know...so he's at home doing damage control and guilt control ("for the kids") and maybe missing the R he had with me at the same time...not exactly a soft place to land IMHO...but like someone said already...he's a man so I do think there's some truth to it being easier for them... For me...my H doesn't know...my M was already weak...so I'm at home "mourning" the loss of xMOM...but having to wear a smile everyday so no one knows the difference...so I can still go to work and still have the energy to care for my children and trying to decide if I want to stay M or not...so I do have "someone to go home to"...but not exactly a soft place to land... I do often think about the single OW/OM and how difficult that must b for them to not "have" anyone else...I'm sure that's hard...but I think we all have different levels of bad no matter which side of the triangle we're on or what our R status was pre-A...as well as the BS's...it's just bad for everyone... LinD THAT is one of the hardest things in the world to do!!! My heart goes out to you!
ladydesigner Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 So i had this idea that when the OW/OM is involved with a MM/MW and then decide to call it quits because the MM/MW won't walk away from their r'ships, then its easier for the MM/MW to move on/get over the r'ship compared to the OW/OM. Reason being that the MM/MW have someone to go to, have not invested all their time with the OW/OM and have shared their love around so the break is not "as bad" for the MM/MW. Do you think what i've said is mostly correct? Well I think in my situation it was the opposite. I think my XOM was relieved to not have to lie to his longtime GF anymore when he ended with me. I was heartbroken in the end, I am an XMW. While my A started as an EA it didn't progress to physical until I discovered my H's 2nd A. I did not get over the A until 2 years later, I do not think my XOM gave me another thought. While I am happy in my M now I wasn't for a long time before the A or after and I did discover another blip from my H years after my A ended. I think if a marriage really is in the dumps, as mine had been, then the A ending may be miserable for the married person. It wasn't until my H and I were on the brink of divorce that our M started to turn around. It didn't turn around until I got over my XOM and my H put his focus back on our M again. The MM/MW may have someone to go to but they may not really feel relief there like you think. Depending on the quality of the M.
ladydesigner Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 In my case...MOW with MOM (former)...I don't really know for sure what he's going thru as we haven't talked in 3 months...but I think we both have it hard but for different reasons... For him...I do think he loved me but just couldn't "pull the trigger"...so does he miss me?...I hope so but who knows...xMOM had several ddays and his wife and kids and family all know...so he's at home doing damage control and guilt control ("for the kids") and maybe missing the R he had with me at the same time...not exactly a soft place to land IMHO...but like someone said already...he's a man so I do think there's some truth to it being easier for them... For me...my H doesn't know...my M was already weak...so I'm at home "mourning" the loss of xMOM...but having to wear a smile everyday so no one knows the difference...so I can still go to work and still have the energy to care for my children and trying to decide if I want to stay M or not...so I do have "someone to go home to"...but not exactly a soft place to land... I do often think about the single OW/OM and how difficult that must b for them to not "have" anyone else...I'm sure that's hard...but I think we all have different levels of bad no matter which side of the triangle we're on or what our R status was pre-A...as well as the BS's...it's just bad for everyone... LinD Great post. I felt this same exact way after my A ended. The pain does end or dull in time. I am able to focus on my M again and my H is putting the work in as well. It will start to get better for you with or without your H. I realized recently that the only person who is going to really make me happy is myself, oh and my kids of course:D
wannabdone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Great post. I felt this same exact way after my A ended. The pain does end or dull in time. I am able to focus on my M again and my H is putting the work in as well. It will start to get better for you with or without your H. I realized recently that the only person who is going to really make me happy is myself, oh and my kids of course:D LD.... I think you should start a thread with people that have been through an A, and are now making it work with their H or W now. That would be so helpful to hear the stories!!!
wannabdone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It's ridiculous when you consider it. My former AP was the same way! He was oh so sensitive about the most mundane things, seeming completely oblivious to the fact that I had to put up with so much more and be aware of so much more! It seemed like my feelings about his situation didn't matter and were small change compared to my larger "transgressions" Smh. I do think though their logic is that we come into the situation "knowing the deal", it was a priori, so we chose it whereas we were single when we met them and in their minds we are theirs exclusively, and if that should change along the way then it is a betrayal! Isn't that the most insane thing you have ever seen???? And why while in the middle of it you can see it. We could sit and have a conversation on how he stumped his big toe (just a silly example, but you get my point), and the pain and suffering he was going through because of how bad it hurt, and how much the toe hurting would keep him from doing so many things. Woe is me.... but when our problems occured, problems that they helped make and ones that were very big. Oh I don't know, like maybe depression to the point you are wondering why you should even stay alive, their toe is more important. Not a damn bit of attention is paid to what we go through.... all about them. ARGH! I'm getting angry.
Spark1111 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Interesting thread...fBs here.... I'm not sure the MAP after DDAy has ANYWHERE soft to land. If the affair has been exposed, in addition to missing the AP, they now deal with one devastated spouse and children and family members and some friends. The shame must be monumental. Reconciling the M is still a great unknown to them, which must also add to the confusion and loneliness. If they are serious about reconciling, then there is no one who will entertain any talk of their feelings regarding an affair partner. As for going back to normal with their family, that could take years! So while the AP is alone mourning the loss of the MAP, and that is painful, I the MAP has other issues to deal with in addition to their romantic feelings. They are called consequences and can linger for years amongst friends, family, children and co-workers, Plus a crazed spouse. I do not see a soft landing at all in my case. Not at all. The OW was single and her young child basically unaware. She wasn't exposed as I would never hurt a child, not even her child. While I am sure she was devastated, her consequences were not the same. She did not have to deal with a loss or reputation and trust and admiration from many others. She wasn't married.
So Very Confused Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It's ridiculous when you consider it. My former AP was the same way! He was oh so sensitive about the most mundane things, seeming completely oblivious to the fact that I had to put up with so much more and be aware of so much more! It seemed like my feelings about his situation didn't matter and were small change compared to my larger "transgressions" Smh. I do think though their logic is that we come into the situation "knowing the deal", it was a priori, so we chose it whereas we were single when we met them and in their minds we are theirs exclusively, and if that should change along the way then it is a betrayal! Thank you for that explanation. It makes sense and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what was going on. And Spark1111 thank you too. That also made me see a different side of it. In my case, I'm not sure the MAP had to suffer any consequences, but you make a valid point about not having a soft place to land.
Snowflower Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Thank you for that explanation. It makes sense and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what was going on. And Spark1111 thank you too. That also made me see a different side of it. In my case, I'm not sure the MAP had to suffer any consequences, but you make a valid point about not having a soft place to land. SVC, I don't know your story. I must have missed it somewhere along the way. But as for your MM suffering consequences, how do you know that he isn't? Or better yet, that he won't suffer some down the road? Sure, things might look hunky-dory for your MM on the outside-that is if he returned to his home and marriage, but who knows for sure.
Circular Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It obviously is different from person to person and also the depth of the relationship. I think an MM/MW, with or without a d-day still has to grieve the loss of the relationship. Now, yes, they might be able to compartmentalize that well but they can't truly vent their grief and realistically it has to be processed one way or another; some people turn into workaholics for awhile, others mourn in silence, others come to LS and vent here anonymously, but unless you are a sociopath the grief needs to be dealt with today, tomorrow, next week, month or years from now... eventually it bites you. I actually feel the OW/OM might have it a little easier. They can vent to their close friends, they can go out and find a rebound relationship, they can deal with their grief more openly. Sometimes when I read peoples experiences with MM/MWs I wonder if what they're really dealing with is emotional shut-down - I can't grieve it, and I need to show total control around my BS so I will just lock it up and become stone cold and hopefully weather out the storm. I've seen this so many times. @Spark: If someone isn't allowed to grieve the loss then how do they ever get over the loss? I'm a firm believer that if you don't grieve let go, etc... then it'll come back to haunt you at a later point in time.
Circular Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 SVC, I don't know your story. I must have missed it somewhere along the way. But as for your MM suffering consequences, how do you know that he isn't? Or better yet, that he won't suffer some down the road? Sure, things might look hunky-dory for your MM on the outside-that is if he returned to his home and marriage, but who knows for sure. Yea, as far as everyone knows, including xMW my life is hunky-dory - I deal with it when nobody is around.
So Very Confused Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 SVC, I don't know your story. I must have missed it somewhere along the way. But as for your MM suffering consequences, how do you know that he isn't? Or better yet, that he won't suffer some down the road? Sure, things might look hunky-dory for your MM on the outside-that is if he returned to his home and marriage, but who knows for sure. If you look at my profile and read the threads I have posted you can get an idea of my story. It's not especially unique around here. I don't think the MM is suffering any consequences because d-day was several months ago. (she had been checking his cell phone online and found texts and phone calls to and from me) This isn't the first time he's been caught in an A. He has always been very vague about how the discussions went and what, if any, promises were made. The only thing he has said is that she makes him feel guilty about the texts and phone calls because he could be spending that time on his children. During the last month he only called from his work phone and sent texts in a way that can't be monitored. I guess the consequences could be more substantial than he's told me but I don't know why he would keep that a secret from me.
East7 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 As a former single OM, it has been very painful for me but it has been even more painful for my xMW. I wont go into details, but this I know for sure. As Spark said, the MAP has to deal with a lot of inner conflict, guilt, reconciliation on one side and longing for the AP on the other. The AP can find a rebound elsewhere. There are no rules IMO. It depends on each individual.
ladydesigner Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 LD.... I think you should start a thread with people that have been through an A, and are now making it work with their H or W now. That would be so helpful to hear the stories!!! Thanks. It would be good, it's not easy and I'm sure not every MM/MW feelings return for their spouse. Mine did luckily, but it took a while to get here.
Spark1111 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It obviously is different from person to person and also the depth of the relationship. I think an MM/MW, with or without a d-day still has to grieve the loss of the relationship. Now, yes, they might be able to compartmentalize that well but they can't truly vent their grief and realistically it has to be processed one way or another; some people turn into workaholics for awhile, others mourn in silence, others come to LS and vent here anonymously, but unless you are a sociopath the grief needs to be dealt with today, tomorrow, next week, month or years from now... eventually it bites you. I actually feel the OW/OM might have it a little easier. They can vent to their close friends, they can go out and find a rebound relationship, they can deal with their grief more openly. Sometimes when I read peoples experiences with MM/MWs I wonder if what they're really dealing with is emotional shut-down - I can't grieve it, and I need to show total control around my BS so I will just lock it up and become stone cold and hopefully weather out the storm. I've seen this so many times. @Spark: If someone isn't allowed to grieve the loss then how do they ever get over the loss? I'm a firm believer that if you don't grieve let go, etc... then it'll come back to haunt you at a later point in time.[/QUOTE] I'm sure they do it privately initially, but they are fighting battles on sooo many different fronts. Many do engage in suicidal thoughts and or behavior. As time goes on, they actually have to talk about it to a counselor, and TO the spouse who has a million questions. Very, very hard to speak of and to listen to. I think the MAP goes through every stage the OW and the BS does: denial, anger, bargaining, forgiveness and acceptance, if they are made to be accountable for their actions and if they truly want to reconcile. And exposure does that. It truly is not about developing feelings for an another. Everyone who loves you would want you to find happiness. It is lying and sneaking around on your family and your spouse that makes people lose respect for a MAP. That great family guy? Yeah he did that. He/she had an affair. Can you believe it? And that is a helluva a legacy to overcome. The knee jerk reaction is, "Why didn't you just leave?" Few, who haven't lived it, understand it.
mzdolphin Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I think it depends on many factors, 1 how the relationship started, whether or not the OW was seeing the MM exclusively, how long it went on. I know for me, the devastation of finding out the guy I was dating was married was the most difficult part, especially because I knew this person and we were pretty close. Couldn't believe he'd blow up our friendship like that. (I hadn't been in contact with him for 18 years though. So who knows what made him do that). Anyway, each time I ended it, he'd find some way to get back in touch with me. I moved on, dated, forgot about him for a whole year and he popped up again. I don't know how hard it was to get over the affair, but I think me nixing the affair forced him to deal with his marriage. And I suspect both he and his wife, just from what I know, are avoiding what I perceive as important, but not marriage ending issues. I think if they just addressed those issues, honestly, they might be alright. I even encouraged him to do just that because I don't recall him hating his wife, or even disliking her. They seem to be just coasting and avoiding talking about changes that come naturally as we grow older and career issues (sometimes women underestimate how important this is to a man). But I think I took the betrayal harder, but he had a tougher time of letting go, simply because he doesn't want to face the issues in his marriage.
Capris Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Totally depends on the person and the "quality" of the affair. If we assume they are both insanly in love, im sure its hard for both. As an OW, i find it harder to get over it, but on the other hand, if i was the married one, id have to go back to an unhappy marriage AND deal with a breakup. Of course the ball would be on my field, so if i wanted to be with my Affair,id do so. I understand the difficulties of being the married one, but maybe its easier on them cause they are bassically the reason of the break up?
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