torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Did a lot of thinking after posting that thread the other day about his reaction when I showed him a photo of my ex and I realized that the reason his response didn't bother me at first was because it's pretty typical for him so it didn't stick out to me. Suddenly all of these doubts about him that were vague and suppressed before shifted into focus. He is sweet and really considerate most of the time but he definitely has moments where he can be demanding and a bit selfish. I didn't think it bothered me and I don't think it would be that big of a deal if this were the worst it got but I worry it's only the tip of the iceberg. My main concern with him, though, is his emotional reactivity. He is intense and often his emotional responses seem out of proportion and a bit unstable. I'm sort of like this myself but I think he's a lot more extreme. The degree that he's into me worries me a bit. Even though I feel very strongly about him, he's definitely still more into me than I am him. And if I'm being honest with myself it still doesn't sit right with me that he wasn't emotionally available with ANY other girl he dated and ended things with all of them before they got close despite the fact that they were very into him, but he's so infatuated with me. I think I've let a lot of things slide because he's really sexy and charming, which is I guess the reason all those other girls let him string them along. That combined with the fact that we have so many interests in common and stronger intellectual connection than I've had with anybody. It seems like this always happens to me with guys. If a guy lets me in just a crack before long he's puddled at my feet. I just wish I could find somebody whose attachment to me grew a bit more slowly, so I didn't distrust it. I probably make it worse by mirroring their emotional expressions to some degree, and not enforcing my boundaries or expressing enough doubts about their feelings until it becomes too much. Right now I can't tell if I'm just psyching myself out and getting cold feet since we're about to meet. I do have a bad habit of idealizing and then devaluing and I hope I'm not sabotaging something that could be great. I don't know, maybe we'll be fabulous together and I'm just being my usual worrywart self. I'm almost feeling the urge to break things off, but that would probably be premature before we meet. It's a bummer because my feelings for him have been unwaveringly strong up until this point, unlike with every other guy I've been involved with.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) Psycho (and I'm not talking about him) Right, cause if always must be the woman who's the crazy one. Keep your woman hating off my thread. If anyone has any non insulting/abusive responses I'm all ears. Edited September 21, 2011 by torn_curtain
Dusk1983 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Last week: "I'm so happy"; this week: "I thinking of breaking things off" - a whole relationship cycle with someone you haven't even met in less than a week? But wait, HE'S the emotionally unstable and overreactive one? Seriously. Break it off. He doesn't deserve to be dragged through your minefield.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Well, you have a friend in me (and I'm sure FL). I totally identify. People shouldn't call you a psycho because many people today are finding themselves in the same position--connecting sight unseen and developing deep attachments and concerns and not being able to even come close to the same kind of intimacy in the flesh (I won't call it "in real life" because "real life" has an expanded definition now--we just don't all know what that is yet). There's no history to look to or even much knowledge to avail ourselves to. But a good thing is a good thing and one in hand can mean everything compared to a million other potentials. You announced your happiness the other day, and now the second guessing. My feelings are that it IS possible to overcome all the odds and turn out an absolute joy--perhaps even more fulfilling than a traditional "real-life-only" relationship. But that takes some understanding of each other and trust that each is going to make the best effort at every turn to keep things in proportions that work. There will be ups and down and ins and outs. I hope you resolve it all and come out happy.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Last week: "I'm so happy"; this week: "I thinking of breaking things off" - a whole relationship cycle with someone you haven't even met in less than a week? But wait, HE'S the emotionally unstable and overreactive one? Seriously. Break it off. He doesn't deserve to be dragged through your minefield. This is the first time I've ever consciously doubted him, but I realized last night I had some doubts all along that I had been suppressing. I can't really tell if they're legitimate yet until we meet, but I decided it was better to talk them out on here so I can gain some clarity. It just seems premature to do anything until we meet.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Well, you have a friend in me (and I'm sure FL). I totally identify. People shouldn't call you a psycho because many people today are finding themselves in the same position--connecting sight unseen and developing deep attachments and concerns and not being able to even come close to the same kind of intimacy in the flesh (I won't call it "in real life" because "real life" has an expanded definition now--we just don't all know what that is yet). There's no history to look to or even much knowledge to avail ourselves to. But a good thing is a good thing and one in hand can mean everything compared to a million other potentials. You announced your happiness the other day, and now the second guessing. My feelings are that it IS possible to overcome all the odds and turn out an absolute joy--perhaps even more fulfilling than a traditional "real-life-only" relationship. But that takes some understanding of each other and trust that each is going to make the best effort at every turn to keep things in proportions that work. There will be ups and down and ins and outs. I hope you resolve it all and come out happy. Thanks FF. I think this might be just a combination of cold feet (we're meeting so soon) and my trust issues. He just booked his flight the other day, so I think that's partly what triggered my second guessing. But I don't want to not give this the chance it deserves. I feel a bit guilty about starting this thread, because it almost feels like a betrayal of him -- like it's kind of writing my doubts in stone. But on the other hand I want to talk my doubts out so they don't stay bottled up. I also appreciate that you understand how possible it is to develop strong attachments from a distance. It's so hard to get from the outside, when you haven't been in this situation before and I can totally understand to someone who hasn't why it appears crazy. I'm sure if I had read my thread a year ago I would have thought my feelings for him were crazy. He was also very wary of getting involved with somebody he met online at first and is slow to trust in general. It just sort of happened despite ourselves.
HappyFlower Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It's a bummer because my feelings for him have been unwaveringly strong up until this point, unlike with every other guy I've been involved with. Sorry, I guess there's another thread somewhere? How long have you guys been 'involved' (tho I gather you've never met)? I think the best thing to do for now is to just meet the guy, try to put aside your worries and see how things go in person (and try not to send pictures of your ex in the meantime)
xxoo Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It seems the cart is before the horse. You've invested time and emotion, and built up a relationship, without establishing a solid foundation. Of course you have doubts. You haven't even met. I can tell you with absolute certainly that each of you has flaws that the other does not know about (and strengths, too). If you don't yet know about them, you can not possibly know how they will affect your compatibility. There is much for you to discover about each other as you begin your courtship. Why not start at the beginning?
Star Gazer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 This is the first time I've ever consciously doubted him... Not true, but I can't be bothered to go find and quote you using my iPhone. You give yourself too much credit. He isn't "puddled at your feet." (Nor were the other guys.) His attachment is not real, it is an unhealthy fantasy right now. Also, emotionally unavailable people act just like this - come on very strong, act very attached, and then up and leave quickly. That's what you're figuring out and that's what you're checking out.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 It seems the cart is before the horse. You've invested time and emotion, and built up a relationship, without establishing a solid foundation. Of course you have doubts. You haven't even met. I can tell you with absolute certainly that each of you has flaws that the other does not know about (and strengths, too). If you don't yet know about them, you can not possibly know how they will affect your compatibility. There is much for you to discover about each other as you begin your courtship. Why not start at the beginning? This is good advice, and it's in line with a thought I was having earlier. I think the healthiest thing might be if we both tried to throw away our expectations when we meet and start from scratch. To the person who asked above we've been involved for about 3-4 months.
Nexus One Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 That's a pretty big plot twist there TC. Are you sure you aren't blowing hot and cold in anticipation of your meeting? Perhaps you're afraid a bit?
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I will definitely get a better sense when we meet, but unfortunately we'll only have four days together. So even by the end of that visit, I still probably won't be 100 percent on him...which is I guess ok? Than he's back to the west coast. And it looks like he won't be moving here until possibly the spring. So I guess another thing that's concerning me is last night when we were talking he floated the idea of us living together for a month or two in the spring right before he moves to the city so we can both save money and collaborate on something we're writing together. This would be many months after we met, but again only after a four day visit. I think he also just wants to live with me. That seemed pretty crazy to me. He's often said that he hopes it won't be long after he moves to my city before we can live together because he wants to be with me every day, but I've usually just laughed it off as crazy fantasy musing. But he sounded really serious this time, and that worried me. I just hope he can calm down a little when we meet, because I want this to work.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Aaargh. Same pattern as the past, except with different details. I even recall the "so happy" thread, as well as one about "all the good things" about a past bf of yours ... just shortly before it all went south wildly. Driven that way by you. PLEASE try to take this advice. I promise you it's good advice and you CAN follow it. STOP analyzing and aggrandizing all the attributes you believe he has, or doesn't have, and the connection that you have, or may not have. BACK UP. You met a guy online. You like one another very much. You spend a lot of time interacting via Skype, etc. He has shown you stuff you love, and stuff that concerns you. You have brought up your concerns before, had a lot of feedback, and assured yourself and us that you were actually fine with the causes. Evidently the love stuff has outweighed the concerning, since you have gone as far as you have with this. You are about to meet in person. You NEED to leave some things some ROOM to develop and to be revealed when you and he are two live people in the same place at the same time. Honestly, it is not a very propitious set up as of now, since you did persist (with extreme determination and stubbornness) in putting "cart before horse." But now that you are here, and you and he feel that you are truly "in love," can you just try not to sabotage ? Can you try to see what develops? You ARE already doing that "splitting" thing, and I think you can put the brakes on it. If this relationship is not to be, then it would be a wonderful step for you to have given it a realistic chance and then to move out of it with grace rather than to have created your own fantastic fairy tale romance and then destroy it.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Aaargh. Same pattern as the past, except with different details. I even recall the "so happy" thread, as well as one about "all the good things" about a past bf of yours ... just shortly before it all went south wildly. Driven that way by you. PLEASE try to take this advice. I promise you it's good advice and you CAN follow it. STOP analyzing and aggrandizing all the attributes you believe he has, or doesn't have, and the connection that you have, or may not have. BACK UP. You met a guy online. You like one another very much. You spend a lot of time interacting via Skype, etc. He has shown you stuff you love, and stuff that concerns you. You have brought up your concerns before, had a lot of feedback, and assured yourself and us that you were actually fine with the causes. Evidently the love stuff has outweighed the concerning, since you have gone as far as you have with this. You are about to meet in person. You NEED to leave some things some ROOM to develop and to be revealed when you and he are two live people in the same place at the same time. Honestly, it is not a very propitious set up as of now, since you did persist (with extreme determination and stubbornness) in putting "cart before horse." But now that you are here, and you and he feel that you are truly "in love," can you just try not to sabotage ? Can you try to see what develops? You ARE already doing that "splitting" thing, and I think you can put the brakes on it. If this relationship is not to be, then it would be a wonderful step for you to have given it a realistic chance and then to move out of it with grace rather than to have created your own fantastic fairy tale romance and then destroy it. Yeah, I recognize this is part of my splitting pattern so I'm nipping it in the bud. I'm feeling better than I was earlier. I think I'm just freaking out a bit about meeting him. I'll try to put my doubts, hopes and projections aside for now so I have an open mind when we meet.
Professor X Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Meet, enjoy. You'll probably end up having sex for 4 days in a row so you won't get to know each to to well anyway the first time. Just don't become the next Eternal_Sunshine.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 You'll probably end up having sex for 4 days in a row so you won't get to know each to to well anyway the first time. For sure. Mmmmmm.
Cee Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I can't help but be hopeful for you. You've invested time and introspection into this relationship. You are looking at yourself and who you are, which is all you can do while you are apart. It will play out at the best of both of your abilities. I don't consider any relationship that ends to be a failure. Everything is a learning experience. So however things turn out, it will lead to good. You'll land on your feet. That's my pep talk.
OliveOyl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I have played an online game for several years, in which people I know "met" in that game, became a "couple" in that game, and ended up not only meeting in "real life" but getting married. More than one couple, in fact. So it's not totally unheard of... and not "psycho" in my world view. However, I really do think you need to meet before making any more declarations about the relationship. I believe you will deeply regret it if you ended things prematurely before meeting him. Just let the emotions flow over you, under you, around you, but stay to the course until at least after you meet. You just never know, one way or another, until you do.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I can't help but be hopeful for you. You've invested time and introspection into this relationship. You are looking at yourself and who you are, which is all you can do while you are apart. It will play out at the best of both of your abilities. I don't consider any relationship that ends to be a failure. Everything is a learning experience. So however things turn out, it will lead to good. You'll land on your feet. That's my pep talk. Thanks Cee. I realized something when I was thinking about my doubts this morning. If they're a self protection mechanism, then they're a poor one at that. I think breakups actually hit you harder when you get dumped by someone you're already doubting, well at least for me they do. I'm not entirely sure why, but maybe it's because when you give it your all you can always say "well I gave it my all." I'm going to give it my all and tay positive, and if it doesn't work out so be it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 So it's not totally unheard of... and not "psycho" in my world view. However, I really do think you need to meet before making any more declarations about the relationship. I believe you will deeply regret it if you ended things prematurely before meeting him. Just let the emotions flow over you, under you, around you, but stay to the course until at least after you meet. You just never know, one way or another, until you do. I think that's such good advice. Now, I may be totally out of line by saying this, but here I go anyway: Are you on birth control pills, or a patch or something? If you are not, PLEASE, PLEASE get on something - and use the most mighty condoms ever constructed, religiously. Because another aspect of your pattern is an unplanned pregnancy.
Star Gazer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I think that's such good advice. Now, I may be totally out of line by saying this, but here I go anyway: Are you on birth control pills, or a patch or something? If you are not, PLEASE, PLEASE get on something - and use the most mighty condoms ever constructed, religiously. Because another aspect of your pattern is an unplanned pregnancy. Yup. Totally agree.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Meet, enjoy. You'll probably end up having sex for 4 days in a row so you won't get to know each to to well anyway the first time. Just don't become the next Eternal_Sunshine. Heyyy I am pretty happy and doing well right now. Everything is in place for me to move in with the man I love in less than 2 days. No second thoughts on mine or his part. We are both feeling like we are dreaming at the moment. No need to feel sorry for me at all
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 TC, I sooo relate to what you are going through in the sense of conflicting emotions. You really need to just let emotions wash over you. No need to react or give them that much significance. I would even recommend not starting threads on here every time you feel some doubt - that has helped me a lot.
Star Gazer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 TC, I sooo relate to what you are going through in the sense of conflicting emotions. You do realize this contradicts your post immediately above this one, don't you?
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