lilmiss Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 But today I decided that hurting is harder, so Im walking away from MM. Ive slowed things down and tried to do the NC since his wife approached me a few weeks ago, but seeing him today for lunch I realised its never going to be enough for me, I deserve all or nothing. And if he cant commit to me, Im not giving him the best of me. So girls and guys, I need to build a little support network of non judgemental people who can help me get past the first hard few weeks. Anyone want to be part of my 12 step cyber buddy group?
Gentlegirl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Did you say goodbye at lunch? NC is not about having lunch... it's about never ever having anything to do with him again. Are you ready for that? Gentlegirl
Author lilmiss Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I tried to do the NC thing, I havent seen him for a while and our contact has been limited to an email from him here and there. He isnt committing to NC. I just decided after a confrontation with his wife to back away without further complicating things. He called me yesterday to meet up for a coffee because we hadnt spoke for a while. First and foremost we are really close friends and confide in each other about everything and he needed to discuss something with me or some crap. I said no. And then last night, I was kicking myself because I really could have used the opportunity to say what i needed to say, get the closure I needed and leave on good terms instead of just ignoring his calls and emails. So I called him up for lunch. And Im glad I did because it was easier to just say please stop calling, and texting and emailing. Easier to say that I love him, but if he truly loves me then he needs to stop and let me move on and be happy. And it made it easier because I could see that its just as hard on him as it is me, so it kind of validates that Im not the only one in this relationship emotionally. Ive tried to walk away many times. I just didnt feel I had the closure. Now I feel I have it, because we had the discussion, he sees that I am hurting and he knows that its best to end things. I can say 100 things over the phone, in an email, etc. But I know him, saying it in person, so he can see i mean it is way more powerful. I walked away from him 10 years ago, without the closure. I moved on, had kids, but he was always on my mind. I dont want to waste another 10 years thinking of him, thinking of the what ifs, I dont want to be back here in 10 years. I need closure, I need it to be final. And after today I feel stronger than I have in ages.
wannabdone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Oh LM... I'm sorry. That is such a hard place to come to. Loving someone so much, but knowing what it is and having to accept that. I'm on a little over a month of NC. I had come to your conclusion about 3 months ago, and started tapering off. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I miss him, I love him, but this is not good for me. I wish I could give you the perfect answer to help you get through those first few weeks. I can tell you it does get easier, the hurt isn't so much all day and so consuming, but it still is there. I'm proud of you though. You are doing what you need to do for you. I'm here to help you get through this. You can help me as well. You have completed step 1....acknowledgment and acceptance. Your on your way. Sometimes that step can be the hardest. Hang in there!!! ((((((hugs)))))))
Emme Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 We all support each other. Get ready for the ride...I'm buckled in. It will be some hard at first and whenever you want to vent... go right ahead. we will be hear cheering for you.
So Very Confused Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 You have my support. I just went through a similar loss. I know how tough it is. The first few days are brutal, but it does seem to get better. I think one of the hardest things about it is not having any emotional support as a lot of that came from the xMM. I never shared my secret with many people (one friend and my therapist) and the lack of sympathy makes it harder. It is miserable when you are suffering a huge loss and the typical response is "well that sucks but you did it to yourself - now quit whining." I've found a lot of peace and support on LS. I'm not sure I would have had the strength to end it if I hadn't.
Author lilmiss Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Thanks guys. I know I can walk away, ive done it before. The hardest thing is going to be never going back, because I cant do this to myself again. Its already been over for pretty much 3 weeks, the words just hadnt been said. And I could easily have kept going as I was, but I needed to hear myself say the words. Their marriage is **** (arent they all?), his kids are all teenagers. Staying for the kids is no longer a good enough excuse for me. They are selling their house, waiting until the sale goes through for him to sort his **** out is no longer a good enough excuse for me. He has so many dreams, but dreams are no longer good enough for me. I dont want a relationship based on maybes and dreams. Ive destroyed my own relationship with the father of my kids because I now realise that the love I have for him, the everyday average run of the mill love is no longer enough for me. Ive felt what its like to truly love, madly, passionately and all consuming, and thats the type of love I want with someone. Will I ever find it again with someone other than the mm? Probably not, but my kids father deserves someone better than me, I can only ever give him half of me. Im blogging a lot lately, which is helping me heaps. Im reading stories here of other women going through the same thing and recognising myself in so many of them, and drawing strength from that. And you are right, I feel a great loss, and my heart is heavy, but I know going back is only going to be worse and cause more heartache down the end of the line. heres a little song I have on repeat at the moment, because its exactly where Im at and its hauntingly beautiful and gives me a sence of peace. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4wnTD0nBlo
So Very Confused Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Thanks guys. I know I can walk away, ive done it before. The hardest thing is going to be never going back, because I cant do this to myself again. Its already been over for pretty much 3 weeks, the words just hadnt been said. And I could easily have kept going as I was, but I needed to hear myself say the words. Their marriage is **** (arent they all?), his kids are all teenagers. Staying for the kids is no longer a good enough excuse for me. They are selling their house, waiting until the sale goes through for him to sort his **** out is no longer a good enough excuse for me. He has so many dreams, but dreams are no longer good enough for me. I dont want a relationship based on maybes and dreams. Ive destroyed my own relationship with the father of my kids because I now realise that the love I have for him, the everyday average run of the mill love is no longer enough for me. Ive felt what its like to truly love, madly, passionately and all consuming, and thats the type of love I want with someone. Will I ever find it again with someone other than the mm? Probably not, but my kids father deserves someone better than me, I can only ever give him half of me. Im blogging a lot lately, which is helping me heaps. Im reading stories here of other women going through the same thing and recognising myself in so many of them, and drawing strength from that. And you are right, I feel a great loss, and my heart is heavy, but I know going back is only going to be worse and cause more heartache down the end of the line. heres a little song I have on repeat at the moment, because its exactly where Im at and its hauntingly beautiful and gives me a sence of peace. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4wnTD0nBlo I love that song. I hope you are okay. I know it's hard. Some days are harder than others. I think the hardest part is accepting that it's over. It's hard to put those hopes and dreams away but you can't have a real life until you do.
Ilmhb3 Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Your post is so relevant to me right now. I'd love to be able to provide each other some support.This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I admire your strength. I've only committed to NC after I basically had no other choice. I literally can't eat. Can't stop sobbing. Can't stop wishing he'd just choose me, all the while I feel a lot of guilt over putting them both in this situation. How do you resist his attempts? He told W said "You will NEVER see or speak to her again", yet he's come to my house to offer me cash, IM'd me, called me (he claimed to have not known why he called, he said he guessed he wanted to hear my voice) I just keep trying to remind myself that I will find someone else, someone like him but who cherishes me enough to be #1. I am mourning the loss of our love, and pray that he never forgets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njwvIPJlPN0 - another great song choice
missy268 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Walking away is never easy but it's a brave and strong thing to do I've recently decided to go no contact with my other guy simply because he's not texting me as much, ok sounds daft but from well over 3 texts and hour sometimes for 12 hours a day to 2 or 3 every 2 days. I hurt knowing he broke his promise to me: he was leaving her they kinda split up and he's gone back! Should of just gone nc earlier in the week but I wanted to give him a chance. So when he inevitably texts, Im not replying. It hurts we were close friends before all this, I was stupid to think I was the exception, I really don't want to loose him but it's the only way now if I want to move on. So I too understand your pain xxxx
Author lilmiss Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Your post is so relevant to me right now. I'd love to be able to provide each other some support.This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I admire your strength. I've only committed to NC after I basically had no other choice. I literally can't eat. Can't stop sobbing. Can't stop wishing he'd just choose me, all the while I feel a lot of guilt over putting them both in this situation. How do you resist his attempts? He told W said "You will NEVER see or speak to her again", yet he's come to my house to offer me cash, IM'd me, called me (he claimed to have not known why he called, he said he guessed he wanted to hear my voice) I just keep trying to remind myself that I will find someone else, someone like him but who cherishes me enough to be #1. I am mourning the loss of our love, and pray that he never forgets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njwvIPJlPN0 - another great song choice Funny you posted that song, thats the song that started it all, again. I heard it and instantly thought of him, my first love 10 years ago. I knew he was on facebook, because we had a few mutual friends and he kept popping up on my suggested friends, so I sent him a message to see how he was. I think it took a week before I knew I was doomed, lol. When I shared the song with him, he hadnt heard it, it was before it had come out, he instantly proclaimed it to be our song. And strangely enough I was at the traffic lights out the front of his house one day on my way down the coast and that song came on the radio and I stupidly thought "it must be a sign". I cant even ****ing listen to any of that CD now.
Author lilmiss Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Ilmhb3 - Yeah his wife said the same thing, except she said it to me. She said I am not to contact him or speak to him again, and he will be deleting me from his life. That was 3 weeks ago, and Ive seen him and spoke to him numerous times. I dont feel guilty at all. You shouldnt either. He chose to put himself and his wife in this position, it wasnt all you. As for resisting attempts, I know he loves me, and Ive asked him if he truely loves me, to let me go and not make it harder for me. This will be 2 days NC, and so far he hasnt contacted me. Im finding it hard to resist the temptation to spy on him. I have his FB password, so I can easily see what he has been up to, but Ive resisted because im trying to tell myself I dont care. For me, the hardest thing is he knows my blog addy, so he can see at all times how I am feeling and how hard this is for me, but I have no idea how he is feeling.
Emme Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 We all want to know how the other person is coping I think. It's just normal behavior to care for someone you had a relationship with. Try and not focus on that. If you want a tactic that might help I suggest putting a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you feel the urge to think about or question what he could be doing/what is he up to. SNAP IT! I know it might sounds painful but lets try and redirect some of those thoughts. Keep busy.
country_gurl Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Ilmhb3 - Yeah his wife said the same thing, except she said it to me. She said I am not to contact him or speak to him again, and he will be deleting me from his life. That was 3 weeks ago, and Ive seen him and spoke to him numerous times. I dont feel guilty at all. You shouldnt either. Why WOULDN'T you feel guilty, for continuing to have contact with a woman's husband when she specifically asked you to leave him alone? That's sad that you would have such apathy and lack of guilt. For me, the hardest thing is he knows my blog addy, so he can see at all times how I am feeling and how hard this is for me, but I have no idea how he is feeling. If you're continuing to post your feelings on a blog that you know he can read, then you're not really going NC. It's rather scary that you admit to having his FB password and the ability to "spy" on him. Sounds rather stalkerish/obsessed.
Ilmhb3 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Yeah, I know what you mean, Country_Girl. I DEF do feel guilty. Mostly bc I know that MM is not being totally transparent with W about his true feelings, let alone the fact that he is still contacting me, in spite of her explicit demand that he not. For my situation, MM is kind of waiting it out to see if W wants to work on things... I am not reciprocating but He has made attempts to talk to me everyday since Dday. MM is the one still checking MY emails lol... Ugh the pain of it all. Keep trying to tell yourself that you are OK and moving on. I don't believe it yet when I tell myself that, but hopefully in time I will accept it and finally be able to let go - and so will he. You're 3 weeks in lilmiss, the more time that goes by the easier it supposedly will be...
country_gurl Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 MM is the one still checking MY emails lol... Ugh the pain of it all. So you're saying that your MM knows your email password and he's logging into your email acct to read your emails? Assuming this is what you mean, then why in heavens haven't you changed your email password so that he can't do this?
Ilmhb3 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Yeah, he has been able to log into my email account. There's nothing in there for him to see, but I am changing those passwords as we speak :-) I am committing to this, if he wants to "stay and work it out" then damn it do it and stop worrying about me so I can stop worrying about him back. lilmiss - are you thinking about blocking access to your blog as well and "losing" his FB password?
nonamefornow Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Good luck everyone with NC - I'm finding it particularly hard! Finally blocked him on FB but my mobile service provider does not support blocking numbers so when he texts/calls, I feel compelled usually to respond. 2 weeks ago it was the end of the marriage, today they 'working on things', then he rings to tell me I've taken that statement all wrong and just not trying to get kicked out of house. It's sooooo draining!! Especially when you're still emotionally involved (haven't seen him in over a month!) so definitely not physical, but do work with him and due to see him in week or 2
Tirai Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Walking away is never easy but it's a brave and strong thing to do I don't feel brave and strong. I feel confused, sad, stupid, weak ... Stupid for even getting into the situation and letting it grow. Sad to let it go. Confused for knowing walking away being the road to take, yet wondering if i'm on it just for being so darn weak. I don't know. But i keep on walking. The very same road to away you're on. It hurts, but they say it gets better Take care everyone. It does get better.
Author lilmiss Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Why WOULDN'T you feel guilty, for continuing to have contact with a woman's husband when she specifically asked you to leave him alone? That's sad that you would have such apathy and lack of guilt. If you're continuing to post your feelings on a blog that you know he can read, then you're not really going NC. It's rather scary that you admit to having his FB password and the ability to "spy" on him. Sounds rather stalkerish/obsessed. Why dont I feel guilty? Because it wasnt over. It wasnt final. And until it was over and we could both see it was over, it was like a dangerous vortex sitting within reach. Its easy to say right no contact from this moment on, but if you havent resolved anything, and the feelings are still there open, its going to happen again, and again and again. I have had no physical contact with him, all we have done is talk. And I cant feel guilty about ending it, because thats what ive slowly been doing since she demanded it. He gave me his FB password when I blocked him. He sent me an email and said here is my FB password if you ever want to log in and see my photos. We both compete in certain competitions used to share photos. It wasnt like I hacked into his account and checked all his inbox messages. He gave me the password. He obviously wants me to still be able to access parts of his life he wants to share. I havent logged in. And my blog is personal. Its not all about him, and I certainly dont filter my posts on what I want him to know or what I dont want him to know. TBH, I would rather he didnt read some of it. My life, before him, during him, after him, is not pretty. Im not sending him subliminal messages. Most of my blog is about the journey I am on as a person, not a shrine to him. I posted this here for support. I understand not everyone on this board is supportive, nor sympathetic to women who have affairs. My first post here I was slammed and deemed a whore, so I havent had much more expectation after that. But I am trying. Trying to move forward with my life and leave behind the only man I have ever truly loved. I cant be sad in my real life. I have to suck it up and keep going smiling and hiding the pain because Ive kept him so far aside, Ive been living 2 separate lives, and no one knows about the other one. I know what weve done was wrong. I know that Ive betrayed many people, and Im not proud of it. I never wanted to be this person. I always hated the other women as well. But my life has been out of control, and I couldnt stop. And now I can see that, and Im trying. But without support, Im screwed. Please try and be a little understanding. There is no use flaming the women on this board. We know what we are. We are just trying to find ourselves again.
carhill Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 OP, you might find this thread to be of assistance to you during this time of NC and healing. Also, reading the thread in my signature might be of help. I recall, many years ago, saying goodbye to a MW of a decade whom I loved very much. It was very difficult but I did it and went NC, never to speak to, know of or encounter her again for another 14 years. It's possible. Easy? No way. But possible. Good luck
Author lilmiss Posted September 24, 2011 Author Posted September 24, 2011 Thanks Carhill. Ill have a read through those. I know its possible. Ive walked away from this man before. It was 10 years before we reconnected. I remember seeing him out at a club one night and he said to me we need to talk, and I said I have nothing to say to you. And walking away I have never felt more powerful in any relationship. I want to get to that point again. Where I have nothing to say.
fooled once Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 But today I decided that hurting is harder, so Im walking away from MM. Ive slowed things down and tried to do the NC since his wife approached me a few weeks ago, but seeing him today for lunch I realised its never going to be enough for me, I deserve all or nothing. And if he cant commit to me, Im not giving him the best of me. So girls and guys, I need to build a little support network of non judgemental people who can help me get past the first hard few weeks. Anyone want to be part of my 12 step cyber buddy group? I am glad you are choosing YOU. My advice regarding the whole password thing..... to not tempt you; most things that require a password have a "lost password" button or after x amount of tries, it will lock the person out. Hit the lost password key - he will get prompted to change his password and you won't have the temptation in front of you. I also am glad you have changed your password. It isn't healthy for you two to check up on each other if you truly are going on with your life. It will just provide additional temptation that you don't need. And there is no reason for you to have his password if the affair is over. If he truly loved you and respects you, he will leave you alone. I wish you well!! Walking away is never easy but it's a brave and strong thing to do It hurts we were close friends before all this, I was stupid to think I was the exception, I really don't want to loose him but it's the only way now if I want to move on. So I too understand your pain xxxx Missy, I am sorry you are hurting and you are right, it takes bravery and strength to walk away. I commend you for moving forward with your life. I don't feel brave and strong. I feel confused, sad, stupid, weak ... Stupid for even getting into the situation and letting it grow. Sad to let it go. Confused for knowing walking away being the road to take, yet wondering if i'm on it just for being so darn weak. I don't know. But i keep on walking. The very same road to away you're on. It hurts, but they say it gets better Take care everyone. It does get better. You aren't stupid. You are stronger than you think. Sad, confused and weak are normal during this time. Focus on you and what you need in your life. Keep busy, stay strong and look forward to the next journey on your life. Here is another thread for you.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293997/ Good luck!!
shakti Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 I will try help you because I'm going through misery right now too. It's so hard. I feel so sick but I am proud of you for having the strength. There is some great strength on this forum to help you too. Ps I just put a rubberband around my wrist, it's going to be sore by the end of the day.
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