4givrnt4gtr Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 So Ive noticed that evert couple of weeks I feel like I cannot possibly continue my relationship. I feel like I have proof that my relationship is just not going to work. Not in a emotional (ok at least not 100% emotional) but more in the factual sorta way. For instance, my bf and I started living together a few months ago. I used to visit him and stay over at his place (which consequently was his mom's house, more on that later) and I noticed the house was REALLY dirty, like...dog pee everywhere INCLUDING the bed we slept in (he would change and wash sheets every night but the pee would still get to the mattress and he would just spray stuff on it). He would constantly say he hated living there but wanted to help out his mom and also he wanted to save some money as he was in grad school at the time. In any case, I thought that he would be relieved and would be able to have the clean place he always desired..... Boy was I wrong. Just to keep the story short, lets just say that he is perfectly ok with my dog peeing wherever he wants and if I even suggest I put him in his kennel to sleep he flips out and says im cruel. He is also perfectly ok with fleas crawling all over our bed and stuff. I wash and treat the dog every time I see evidence of fleas but inevitably we end up taking the dog to his mom's house where he gets infested again because she doesn't care for her dogs appropiately. Then, there is the nasty catty comments he makes about people. Usually I can handle it and shrug it off, but then, there are times I just can't take it and I have to bite my tongue. He apparantly seems to think he is on another level, as he has the habit to talk about people as if they are the most stupid people in the world and then say "they are just not in my level" Literally. And god forbid I say something cuz he gets his feelings hurt and it'd be drama for hours. On that same line, he is pretty smart and has been able to make himself relatively successful. However, say he decides to do something and somehow he finds out someone around him wants to do something similar. He then moans about how everyone wants to compete with him and how he has to keep his plan hiden otherwise everyone is going to "jack" him...drives me up the wall!! Now, back to his mom. The lady, bless her heart, sure has her issues, sure has depression and sure I might not know everything about her but sometimes the way he treats her make me cringe!!! He says I dont know how she was when he was a child, and that the "nice" facade is just an act, and that in his and his sister's opinion, the mom is borderline. And be that as it may, I STILL dont think if you are out having dinner with your mother you should act as if you were still 16, not answering her questions, looking at your phone, and basically making her feel like the most irritating person in the world. Thats just mean. Now, on the other hand, he says he can't stand her, yet he goes to her house at least three times per week, gives her some money, only to then talk about how much money he's given her and how because of her he hasn't been able to take care of his life. Again, all this and I keep my mouth shut to avoid drama.... So....Ive known this for a while and most of the time I can shrug it off....but then PMS sets in, and ALL these things become so SO SO irritating I cant imagine being with him anymore. However once PMS passes....I can shrug it off and focus on how nicely he treats me and how kind he can be, and how much support he gives me.... So Im wondering....which side is right, my PMS side or my Ehhh its not that big deal side... Clearly I am currently in my PMS side and Im having a hard time deciding if I should act on the feeling (break it off) or wait it out and decide when PSM has subsided (running the risk of going back to the eeeehh is not that bad) what to do!!!
Cypress25 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 First things first. Call Animal Welfare and give them his mother's address. Dogs should never have fleas and they should be taken outside to relieve themselves on a regular basis. Now onto the second thing. Your PMS side is right. Apparently when you have PMS, you have less tolerance for bullsh*t. Move on to someone a little more grown-up.
Els Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 An easy way to tell is to wait for the PMS to be over and see if you still have the same issues with him. It's only a couple of weeks.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 The problem with waiting for PMS to subside is that I KNOW I wont feel the same way. As in, the problems or things I dont like will still be there, but I can shrug them off. What I hate is that no matter what happens when Im not PMSing, once those horrible weeks come around, inevitably, I want to end the relationship, 100% sure it can't work. I was discussing this with my best friend and she put it in context this way. Huge red flags/deal breakers: * Difference about substance use (I dont condone it, or have ever ever done it. He is a former addict and is ok with marijuana although is not currently using, he also informed me that if we ever have kids he will not tell them that drugs are not ok, and if they want to try them, to do it responsibly ). * Outlook on life ( I tend to not b*tch and moan about most things or at the very least try my best to look at the bright side, he b*itches and moans about how difficult everything is, how tired and possibly sick with an uncurable disease he is, how everything is so stressful and how nobody understands him) * Attitude towards people ( I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt and not judge or talk smack about people, he, being insecured, just isn't very nice to a lot of people behind their backs, though in front of them he will do anything to please them) Now, this is obviously not constant (otherwise I would be so long gone it wouldn't even be a question) and when it comes up on a normal day I can shrug it off....but then i think on days when Im not normal, can I REALLY make a life with someone like that? Do I REALLY want my children to be raised in that environment? Yesterday I had my mind made up to break it off. I got home, depressed, stressed and confused. He was working out and as soon as he saw how sad I was he grabbed me a glass of water and went to run a bath for me. I kept begging him not to do anything for me (bawling as I could not understand why I can't just accept him the way he is and about the unfairness of it all, both for him and for me). He also made me my favorite threat for after I got out of the bath and went onto put away the laundry he did over the weekend for both of us. I felt like the worst person in the entire world. How can I possibly not love and accept on a constant basis someone so caring and loving as this man is. This is a rough time
Els Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 If you don't feel the same way when your hormones aren't acting up, why do you think the solution would be to end the relationship rather than to work on your PMS instead? Or do you think you are -too- accepting when your hormones are not acting up? If so, why? Should you not instead be more rational? Even if you leave this relationship, it would be troublesome if you can only make a stand for yourself when you are PMSing.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Just to keep the story short, lets just say that he is perfectly ok with my dog peeing wherever he wants I'm sorry, I'm still digesting this part. He has NO problem with your dog peeing anywhere inside the house? Umm, does he know that dogs should go on walks and have their pee's outside? Anyway, hate to say it but your boyfriend is immature, dramatic, spoiled, has an attitude and treats his mother like crap. A guy who treats his mother poorly is an indictation of how he'll treat his girlfriends (you!!).. Such disrespect and ass.hole behaviour towards her. To her face and behind her back. yuck! This isn't PMS. This is your GUT screaming to you that being with him may not be greatest idea. Magnify these issues by 100 as time goes on.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Elswyth, is not that I dont feel the same way, is that I can brush it off. Im not as emotional so I can easily get distracted with school work or just whatever we might be doing. I still feel it, but i can brush it off. To update, after much thought (about a year and a half worth of thought) and consultation with three of my closest people, I decided to call it off. I talked to him last night and told him how i feel about the whole situation. He was very civil...actually VERY civil to the point that i wasn't sure if we were breaking up or not. Eventually I realized that he is in denial. THe more i talked with him the more I realized I was making the right decision. His logic just doesn't make sense to me, and though I feel bad, his manipulation just gives me more fuel to get up and go. The funny thing is, a year ago I was in this same exact spot.... Trusting my gut is the one thing I have a hard time doing. But time and time again, its proven to be so so right
Paper Roses Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Oh my goodness. PMS is a huge factor for me as well. When I have it, everything seems grimy, nasty, things seem too loud and I want to rip the skin off my body. I'm in a foul mood, I'm nervous and looking for trouble. You're not alone with having nightmarish PMS. At least you are aware of the PMS taking hold of you. No, having dog pee everywhere is not acceptable. I didn't see you talking about loving him anywhere either or maybe I missed that part. Good luck.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 I was wrong, and I made a big mistake.... After the storm of horrible hormonal inbalances, everything I wrote seems so wrong and exaggerated. My now ex was nothing but a kind and loving person. Sure with flaws and defects but loving, kind and with the pacience of a saint (as Ive put him thru this many many times) I really hope someday I can figure out how to control these emotions as they've ruined more than one relationship already. Its like someone else takes over, puts a magnifying glass over petty things and makes them unsurmountable. I feel horribly guilty about disparaging him and his mom who have been a second family to me, have taken care of me when Im sick (which is all the freaking time) and fed me when I had nothing to eat. Im a horrible person I hate PMDD
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