Break up with no problems (needs time to find out who she is...)

September 21, 2011

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 2 years (my last two years of college and her first two years) and we had the best relationship one could hope for (not just saying that). She is 20 and I am 22. I just graduated college and moved back home, 3 hours away , where I found a job at a great company with benefits and money to support us in the future (just started my 401k as well for chr** sake). We always talked about her graduating and moving down with me so we could get married in two years.

She has been in a serious relationship before and was treated badly for some time. We literally never fought about anything substantial and the only real problem was me not opening up to her as much as she wanted. I am very to myself but there is nothing I wouldn't tell her.

Anyways, Friday night she decides she is going out (which she rarely ever does) so I'm think "well, I'm not just going to sit home and do nothing..." so I went out with my brother and my friend. She was suppose to text me before she left but I hadn't heard from her for hours. I texted her and she replied saying "sorry i forgot what's up." I texted her four times the rest of the night without any response. I went to bed and woke up the next morning to a text that says "are you awake." I reply yes and she calls me. This conversation lasted about three minutes with her saying she couldn't do it anymore. I really had nothing to say and after I hung up we had a short texting conversation about what was going on. Basically she needed to be independent for once in her life. She also said "(she) doesn;t know what the future has in store for us (she) just can't do it now." I went on to say "don't say that and lead me on like that." she respinded "Okay, I'm sorry then disregard that. i just want to be honest but you're right I won't say that."

She sent me this message on Sunday afternoon and I haven't replied or contacted her once since Saturday. What in the world is she thinking here. This came out of nowhere and we both had planned our lives around each other. I don't even want to talk to her because I know it will just hurt more.

"Hey... I just wanted to try and explain myself a little more. I feel like our conversation was cut short and I can't blame you for that. I know it sounds like such a cop out and I can't ask you to fully understand all of this but if you've ever trusted me I hope you can trust me when I tell you the real reasons I did this. I've spent my entire teenage years dating someone, and I've learned a lot from that but I've also never had time to really find out who I am and what I want out of life for ONLY myself.. I've always focused on two people and never just me. It sounds extremely selfish but I know that it all hit me at once and that if I didn't take the time to do this, then I would never be able to have a fair relationship because that would always be in the back of my mind. I never dreamed of this happening and like you said, I planned my life around you too.. I want you to know the real reasoning and not worry about anything else. I'm crushed by all of this and I really just need time to find out what I need in life. I realized that I have always defined my self worth in guys and that is extremely unhealthy. I've never had a chance to really talk to you about all of this because (as you know) talking about my deep feelings with you never really worked out. I know you said you could work on it but it never really went anywhere. I don't want to say anything that leads you on or is unfair to you so I'm just going to leave it at that. Please believe that I've never wanted this and I never wanted to hurt you.. This is just something I need to do by myself. I'm so sorry. Don't feel obligated to reply I just wanted you to know all of this."

She sent a message to my mom explaining herself as well but I didn't read it. She had always talked to her about us getting married as well.

What do I do in this situation? I can't even cry because I am so numb and can't feel anything. I have been forcing food down even though I am never hungry.

I want her back as I know I will never find someone like her, and I know she's going to realize she made a mistake eventually, but I can't wait forever.

Also, she is not the one to go out and hook up with people. She is a great person but she is just having some interpersonal issues.

Help!!

September 21, 2011

Find the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome" thread and read it. Go on Wikipedia and read about Egocentrism.

No contact, from day one, you will thank yourself later.

September 21, 2011

Anyways, Friday night she decides she is going out (which she rarely ever does) so I'm think "well, I'm not just going to sit home and do nothing..." so I went out with my brother and my friend. She was suppose to text me before she left but I hadn't heard from her for hours. I texted her and she replied saying "sorry i forgot what's up." I texted her four times the rest of the night without any response. I went to bed and woke up the next morning to a text that says "are you awake." I reply yes and she calls me. This conversation lasted about three minutes with her saying she couldn't do it anymore. I really had nothing to say and after I hung up we had a short texting conversation about what was going on. Basically she needed to be independent for once in her life. She also said "(she) doesn;t know what the future has in store for us (she) just can't do it now." I went on to say "don't say that and lead me on like that." she respinded "Okay, I'm sorry then disregard that. i just want to be honest but you're right I won't say that."

Same thing happened to me, almost 6 months ago. 3.5 year relationship here. she went on to date my best friend for a short time, then moved on to his best friend.

What do I do in this situation? I can't even cry because I am so numb and can't feel anything. I have been forcing food down even though I am never hungry.

Your appetite will come back with time. I forced food down for my parents sake, I didn't want anyone to know how much pain I was in at the time. I lost 25lbs in the first 2 weeks, but you should get your appetite back within a week or two. (probably not completely, but you will start eating because you feel hungry)

I want her back as I know I will never find someone like her, and I know she's going to realize she made a mistake eventually, but I can't wait forever.

I thought the same exact way for a long time. Truth of the matter is, you will find someone as good as her and even better. After you get through the initial phases of healing you will start thinking about all of her flaws and how you are better off without her.

Also, she is not the one to go out and hook up with people. She is a great person but she is just having some interpersonal issues.

Don't fool yourself with this one, I thought the same thing even though my ex always had a boyfriend figure. people like that don't go for long periods of time staying single. my ex lasted 2 months, and that was only when I found out about it. Not only that but she's already had 2 boyfriends that I know about since me (broke up almost 6 months ago). I know this probably hurts but it is much better for you to be prepared rather than be blind-sided because of your emotions.

Take EgoJoe's advice and look up the GIGS thread and Egocentrism. Also look up Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), these should give you some insight for what is really going on.

September 21, 2011

Got kinda emotional reading this. One cause ive been there exactly! Dude... two i feel your pain! your gonna hear it 100times... but listen..... RUN!! As in start NC asap!!! Its gonna hurt, but trust me, will be MUCH worse if you decided to wait aroud.

My ex did the exact same thing, we were about the same age. One of my biggest regrets in my life in being at the point you are and not going NC immediately! Shes not the type to that huh?? BS! Me and many others thought the same thing. Within 1-3months she be in another relationship or pretty much whoring around with other guys. **** hurts! Thats why you end that NOW! Stay around and she"ll take you on the longest rollercoaster ever. "Keeping you on a string" as they call it, ha i remember a friend telling me that, and i didnt know what they meant at first, but found out the hard way. but it hurts a million times worse than if you just leave now and dont talk to her for a LONG time if ever again. Plus she'll respect you, and may give you the best chance to have her come running back to you. But try not to even think bout that. Cause staying around crying, and waiting for her as she go whores around will make you look so bad to her, hurt you EXTREMELY, n she'll lose respect for you, and just walk all over you. Only a short matter of time youll see/hear about little Ms. "I need to find myself", being with some guy, and seeing her all online with some dude. worse **** in the world. Then she"ll contact you ever now in then.. (aka when the other dudes arent around, or when of them breaks up with her) and make you feel like she loves you and wants you and all of that bs. Man it hurts smh.... Everyday of my life i wish i would i have started a strict NC immediately after the bogus, classic "i need to find my self speech".... but i guess some of us go thru things to we can help other not have to. Dont wait till it too late like i did my friend, Do it now, No other options

September 21, 2011

You will find out soon that all that stuff she put in the letter was a diversion. What she never mentioned was the things that you did to slowly chip away at her attraction to you (that she never said anything about). Because the way she worded it, made it sound like she never had feelings for you in 2 years and had to be on her own all of a sudden. Bullshyt. She knows why she isnt attracted to you anymore but she wont tell you.

The real reason has already been stated by other posters. She got bored with you after losing attraction, and suddenly she wants to date a new guy. They lie when they break up with you to get you off their backs, but she wont tell you shes dating someone new because she wants to keep you wanting her in case she made a mistake. But dont count on that, they never move backwards, especially at your age. What she probably also did was to give you lip service by playing the role for months knowing she was waiting for someone new to come along to dump you for so she wouldnt be alone. Know that soon you will find out she is with another guy, and thats who she needed to find herself with. it hurts, dont let her contact you, ignore her calls, forever. it will be hard to do, but you dont want her back when she felt like she needed to be without you now. She doesnt deserve to talk to you. She wont ever want a relationship again, so you can make her suffer by not talking to her. You have to trust me on this. If you ignore her, she will try to bait you with minimal text messages to get your attention, but dont fall for it.

Youre only 22, you will find a woman years from now that will be much better than she is, you just wont be able to see it right now. All you can do is keep active, try to eat, and the thoughts of her will eventually go away, as long as you keep yourself distracted.

What you will also start finding out as the weeks go on, is you will start to see how she became distant and you didnt notice it before. You will have to learn when you start dating again to watch your gf's closely so you can tell when they are losing attraction to you.

Edited September 21, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

September 21, 2011

GIGS strikes again it seems. I am about a month post my break up because my ex had GIGS. It hurts man. My ex and I are actually the same ages are you and your ex. My ex and I seemingly had the world in our grasp with talks of the future and marriage and kids. I truly wanted to spend my life with her. As I started coming to these sites I started to see that this our situation is actually quite common. Doesn't make it fair by any means, as we are left abandoned. It is hard to come to terms with everything considering all the "promises" of the future. The thing is feelings change, people change. I have read stories about the GIGSer sometimes realizing the mistake and coming back but for the most part is sounds like it doesn't usually work. Trust me, I am far from becoming over my ex... and I know it will take a long time until I will truly believe I won't have her again. Surround yourself with people, become closer to your family. Seek advice on here. I'm much better than that first week. It's cliche, but it does get better. Hang in there.

September 21, 2011

I have also been through the exact same thing as you and can vouch for what everyone is saying here.

I know your going to think, that no, she is different you guys were perfect together etc. But I can guarantee you within a month she will be sleeping with someone else. The exact same thing happened to me, with my ex wanting too "find herself" after talks of wanting to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me.

So do what everyone hear has said, as hard as it is. Do not show her any weakness. Cut her off completely and don't talk to her anymore.

It may seem impossible now, but in a few months you will thank us.

September 21, 2011

Read this honey:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986

x

September 21, 2011

Thank you all so much for your responses.

This may sound extremely weird but I have not shed a single tear throughout this whole thing. It is not because I do not care, because I care for her more than anything. I feel that I am just in shock and still can't believe it has happened or that it's final. Is this normal?

I haven't said a word to her since Saturday, should I even tell her how I feel?

I was going to message her back tonight but I'm worried it will just make me anxious waiting for a reply and make the pain even worse if I don't hear what I want to hear.

What do you guys think? I know she doesn't deserve to know how I feel but I feel like I need to get it off my chest and at least let her know...

I have been through a breakup like this before when I was 19 after two years as well. I found a better person and that's what healed me, also I was in college and able to meet plenty of girls. Now I am 22 with a full time job in a city that only really has high schoolers. The only way I can really meet anyone is by going out downtown, but that doesn't seem like a place I would be able to meet my future wife.

September 21, 2011

You can get it off your chest if you want, but she doesnt care how you feel, or she wouldnt have dumped you. I suggest not giving her the time of day. Its normal for you to not shed a tear if youve been through this before, or you werent as attached as many people are. I suggest that since you arent shedding any tears, dont bug her with any closure emails or whatever. Let her think you dont care that she broke it off. You can find someone new that is better than her, even in the town youre working in. It will just take a lil hard searching.

September 21, 2011

Thank you all so much for your responses.

This may sound extremely weird but I have not shed a single tear throughout this whole thing. It is not because I do not care, because I care for her more than anything. I feel that I am just in shock and still can't believe it has happened or that it's final. Is this normal?

I haven't said a word to her since Saturday, should I even tell her how I feel?
I was going to message her back tonight but I'm worried it will just make me anxious waiting for a reply and make the pain even worse if I don't hear what I want to hear.

What do you guys think? I know she doesn't deserve to know how I feel but I feel like I need to get it off my chest and at least let her know...

I have been through a breakup like this before when I was 19 after two years as well. I found a better person and that's what healed me, also I was in college and able to meet plenty of girls. Now I am 22 with a full time job in a city that only really has high schoolers. The only way I can really meet anyone is by going out downtown, but that doesn't seem like a place I would be able to meet my future wife.

Don't send it theres no point and it will only hurt you more in the end.

Listen to Homebrew, he truly knows what he talked about.

September 21, 2011

1) When all isn't right with a relationship that you stuck to throughout college, it will always makes thing 100x times worse. You think, did I waste the best years of my life with that ******* whilst my friends were out getting drunk and hooking up with other people? Whilst this is hard to hear, I'm it will explain a bit to you how and why she is doing this.

2) the whole "not opening up to her as much as she wanted thing" - I think you're missing the whole point here when you say there's nothing you wouldn't tell her. It's not a matter of trust, I'm sure she trusts you, but it's more a sort of she wants to know stuff that you've never told other people kinda a thing, really personal things. I admit, its a bit off the track, but do bear this in mind.

3) She rarely goes out and you decide to text her throughout the night? It sounds like you are insecure; do you really have to go out just because she's going out? In hindsight I think you should have given her space and been more supportive and sent maybe 1 text saying " I hope you're having a good time, really miss you, so boring here!" or some other coupley **** like that.

The email- decoded

"Hey... I just wanted to try and explain myself a little more. I feel like our conversation was cut short and I can't blame you for that. I know it sounds like such a cop out and I can't ask you to fully understand all of this but if you've ever trusted me I hope you can trust me when I tell you the real reasons I did this.

Did you trust her? I obviously don't know you guys at all but did you maybe sometimes act a bit needy or possessive i.e messaging her when she was out?

I've spent my entire teenage years dating someone, and I've learned a lot from that but I've also never had time to really find out who I am and what I want out of life for ONLY myself.. I've always focused on two people and never just me. It sounds extremely selfish but I know that it all hit me at once and that if I didn't take the time to do this, then I would never be able to have a fair relationship because that would always be in the back of my mind. I never dreamed of this happening and like you said, I planned my life around you too.. I want you to know the real reasoning and not worry about anything else. I'm crushed by all of this and I really just need time to find out what I need in life. I realized that I have always defined my self worth in guys and that is extremely unhealthy.

I mean, she's explained all of this pretty clearly. There's nothing you can do here, it is totally selfish on her behalf, BUT if you love her you need to give her this space. If she loves you enough or if she's had time to think about how much you mean to her, she'll be calling you in due time. It's not what you wanna hear right now, but honestly it's the only thing you can do

I've never had a chance to really talk to you about all of this because (as you know) talking about my deep feelings with you never really worked out. I know you said you could work on it but it never really went anywhere.

Okay, so I mentioned this before I'd read this bit. It is heartbreaking when you talk to your boyfriend and they are kinda emotionally stunted. This is not your fault, some men are just more open than you are. You can work on it, but I find that if often stems from factors from your childhood. I mean, growing up, were your friends just guys? Have you ever have a platonic female relationship ? These are obviously massive assumptions, but if so maybe you just didnt talk about feelings and therefore if someone talks to you about their feelings you don't really know how to respond? I don't know exactly how to deal with this but I genuinely think the best solution is to spend more time with a friend who is a bit more open and emotional than yourself, you may learn something valuable

I don't want to say anything that leads you on or is unfair to you so I'm just going to leave it at that. Please believe that I've never wanted this and I never wanted to hurt you.. This is just something I need to do by myself. I'm so sorry. Don't feel obligated to reply I just wanted you to know all of this."

She obviously still loves you a lot but is totally confused. She knows your relationship isn't perfect and is coming out of college and that I just think she is confused about life in general. Again, this is only my opinion but maybe send her a short reply saying you understand and that you were sorry that you weren't emotionally available when you needed her to be. Tell her that you are gonna take time to work on this because if it means something to her, it sure as hell is important to you. Tell you understand she needs her space and that you will give it to her.

She doesn't sound like the sort of girl to hook up with other people as you said, but as I've tried to explain its like emotional turmoil, which I think is gonna be quite complex for you to 100% understand at the moment (not to sound patronizing). Give her space and don't contact her after you write her that email. Write down how you feel, even though it may sound embrassing or needy to you. Send it and wait for her if you love her. There's honestly nothing else you can do right now. I hope you feel better in time, you two sound like you're meant to be together and I'm sure if you give her enough time and most importantly space

she will see it too.

September 21, 2011

I am in a very similar situation but it is her that just graduated in May and got a job while I am in my senior year of college. You're right that she doesn't seem like the type of girl to just hook up. I truly believe there are times when people just need to find themselves.

September 21, 2011

1) When all isn't right with a relationship that you stuck to throughout college, it will always makes thing 100x times worse. You think, did I waste the best years of my life with that ******* whilst my friends were out getting drunk and hooking up with other people? Whilst this is hard to hear, I'm it will explain a bit to you how and why she is doing this.

2) the whole "not opening up to her as much as she wanted thing" - I think you're missing the whole point here when you say there's nothing you wouldn't tell her. It's not a matter of trust, I'm sure she trusts you, but it's more a sort of she wants to know stuff that you've never told other people kinda a thing, really personal things. I admit, its a bit off the track, but do bear this in mind.

3) She rarely goes out and you decide to text her throughout the night? It sounds like you are insecure; do you really have to go out just because she's going out? In hindsight I think you should have given her space and been more supportive and sent maybe 1 text saying " I hope you're having a good time, really miss you, so boring here!" or some other coupley **** like that.

The email- decoded

"Hey... I just wanted to try and explain myself a little more. I feel like our conversation was cut short and I can't blame you for that. I know it sounds like such a cop out and I can't ask you to fully understand all of this but if you've ever trusted me I hope you can trust me when I tell you the real reasons I did this.

Did you trust her? I obviously don't know you guys at all but did you maybe sometimes act a bit needy or possessive i.e messaging her when she was out?

I've spent my entire teenage years dating someone, and I've learned a lot from that but I've also never had time to really find out who I am and what I want out of life for ONLY myself.. I've always focused on two people and never just me. It sounds extremely selfish but I know that it all hit me at once and that if I didn't take the time to do this, then I would never be able to have a fair relationship because that would always be in the back of my mind. I never dreamed of this happening and like you said, I planned my life around you too.. I want you to know the real reasoning and not worry about anything else. I'm crushed by all of this and I really just need time to find out what I need in life. I realized that I have always defined my self worth in guys and that is extremely unhealthy.

I mean, she's explained all of this pretty clearly. There's nothing you can do here, it is totally selfish on her behalf, BUT if you love her you need to give her this space. If she loves you enough or if she's had time to think about how much you mean to her, she'll be calling you in due time. It's not what you wanna hear right now, but honestly it's the only thing you can do

I've never had a chance to really talk to you about all of this because (as you know) talking about my deep feelings with you never really worked out. I know you said you could work on it but it never really went anywhere.

Okay, so I mentioned this before I'd read this bit. It is heartbreaking when you talk to your boyfriend and they are kinda emotionally stunted. This is not your fault, some men are just more open than you are. You can work on it, but I find that if often stems from factors from your childhood. I mean, growing up, were your friends just guys? Have you ever have a platonic female relationship ? These are obviously massive assumptions, but if so maybe you just didnt talk about feelings and therefore if someone talks to you about their feelings you don't really know how to respond? I don't know exactly how to deal with this but I genuinely think the best solution is to spend more time with a friend who is a bit more open and emotional than yourself, you may learn something valuable

I don't want to say anything that leads you on or is unfair to you so I'm just going to leave it at that. Please believe that I've never wanted this and I never wanted to hurt you.. This is just something I need to do by myself. I'm so sorry. Don't feel obligated to reply I just wanted you to know all of this."

She obviously still loves you a lot but is totally confused. She knows your relationship isn't perfect and is coming out of college and that I just think she is confused about life in general. Again, this is only my opinion but maybe send her a short reply saying you understand and that you were sorry that you weren't emotionally available when you needed her to be. Tell her that you are gonna take time to work on this because if it means something to her, it sure as hell is important to you. Tell you understand she needs her space and that you will give it to her.

She doesn't sound like the sort of girl to hook up with other people as you said, but as I've tried to explain its like emotional turmoil, which I think is gonna be quite complex for you to 100% understand at the moment (not to sound patronizing). Give her space and don't contact her after you write her that email. Write down how you feel, even though it may sound embrassing or needy to you. Send it and wait for her if you love her. There's honestly nothing else you can do right now. I hope you feel better in time, you two sound like you're meant to be together and I'm sure if you give her enough time and most importantly space
she will see it too.

Wow, thank you for such a detailed response. You pretty much nailed everything head on except me being needy or possessive. She really has only been out 3 or 4 times since I have been gone and I don't mind when she does because I can hang out with my friends without worrying about having my phone around. She is usually the one that always wants to text and I always encourage her to go out with her friends because I trust her and want her to have fun.

The whole not being emotional there for her is the only thing that wasn't perfect in our relationship. I have a hard shell, I must admit. This is something that I need to prove to her if she ever were to come back.

I feel like I should send a message saying how I feel and that I do support her. She obviously is going through a hard time and I feel like I'm not the cause of her problems, but I need to be there for her.

Also, when you guys are saying she may not be attracted to me anymore are you saying emotional or physically? I have not let myself go and I am very dedicated to making myself look good. I go to the gym every day and always tan outside on the weekends. If anything I am more physically attractive than before haha

I really appreciate everyone's input. This really helps a lot.

September 21, 2011

Also, when you guys are saying she may not be attracted to me anymore are you saying emotional or physically? I have not let myself go and I am very dedicated to making myself look good. I go to the gym every day and always tan outside on the weekends. If anything I am more physically attractive than before haha

I really appreciate everyone's input. This really helps a lot.

Stop tanning! Its bad for you!

September 22, 2011

Follow the advice of everyone here, it will hurt at first but it is a learning experience and you will come out on the other end better for having gone through it.

On a side note, are you a Jersey Shore cast member - Gym, Tan, Laundry? Maybe she was just tired of being with a douche bag :x JK! seriously, you sound like a good guy, best of luck

September 22, 2011

The same thing happened to me too, more or less. Except that my ex went the extra step of blaming me for changing her from who she used to be. Wrote me a pretty harsh sounding letter while half drunk. (way harsher than yours)

Mine too was very out of the blue. In fact, we were making plans for the summer in the morning, and she dumped me out of the blue that very night.

We also talked about marriage, and I also didn't think I'd ever find anyone better than her.

But at the end of the day, I think we have to tell ourselves that by leading us along the way they did, by making big promises and then leaving us out in the cold - that makes them very, very selfish people. And therefore, there are better girls out there - girls who are emotionally stable and are mature enough to decide what they want.

We have to believe that there was no love in this. Everything they did, they were doing for themselves. It's evident because they also left us for completely selfish reasons. They obviously never valued the relationship all that much, or they would have stuck around to iron out whatever issues they weren't happy with.

I do hope you're doing okay.

September 22, 2011

The same thing happened to me too, more or less. Except that my ex went the extra step of blaming me for changing her from who she used to be. Wrote me a pretty harsh sounding letter while half drunk. (way harsher than yours)
Mine too was very out of the blue. In fact, we were making plans for the summer in the morning, and she dumped me out of the blue that very night.
We also talked about marriage, and I also didn't think I'd ever find anyone better than her.

But at the end of the day, I think we have to tell ourselves that by leading us along the way they did, by making big promises and then leaving us out in the cold - that makes them very, very selfish people. And therefore, there are better girls out there - girls who are emotionally stable and are mature enough to decide what they want.

We have to believe that there was no love in this. Everything they did, they were doing for themselves. It's evident because they also left us for completely selfish reasons. They obviously never valued the relationship all that much, or they would have stuck around to iron out whatever issues they weren't happy with.

I do hope you're doing okay.

You couldn't be more right. I guess if she actually cared she would not have done this.

I actually cried for the first time last night when I was writing her a messsage...Finally realizing it was over really got to me. Here is what I have written. Do you think it is too much...Ii have not sent it yet.

"I don't even know how to tell you how I am feeling but I will try my best. I have postponed this message because I know how much worse it will hurt after I say what I need to say. It still doesn't feel real to me.

From the day I met you I always knew you were the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I've never had a single doubt about it. The person who I loved with everything I had in me and my best friend, that I could do anything with and still be happy. This came as a complete shock to me and I will never completely understand why you did this. I had everything invested in this relationship. I just don't understand that within the last month you were talking about moving here and even transferring to finish your degree so we could start our lives together even earlier, and now you want nothing to do with me. I will never understand how someone can cut someone out of their life that suddenly and harshly. I really wish we didn't get Lola now because now she will not be a part of my life, as well, and I am losing two things I love now, which makes it that much worse.

I know we are both young, but we were both so sure of our future together and I don't know how that can change so suddenly. No matter how hard I try I will never be able to completely get over you.. This is exactly why I have a hard exterior. When I put faith in someone, they always seem to let me down. I don't know what I did to deserve this again, and the way you went about it was extremely hurtful, but I know your intentions were not to hurt me. My past is something I should have talked to you about, but I was so happy just living in the present with you. You made me forget about any pain from my past.

Although I will never understand how you are feeling, I want you to be happy. I will always be here to support you and I want you to know that. I will never regret the memories and moments we shared together. The only thing I regret is not being there to emotionally support when you needed me. I really wish things could have turned out differently, but I know feelings can change and there is nothing you can do about it. I don't know if you will find what you are looking for but I hope you can find a life that you love and be happy, even if I am not a part of it.

Even the little things like getting out for lunch and not being able to call and hear your voice kills me. You will always be the love of my life, and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I know I need to give you space and let you do what you need to do. I just hope you aren't making a mistake and realize it when it is already too late."

September 22, 2011

But at the end of the day, I think we have to tell ourselves that by leading us along the way they did, by making big promises and then leaving us out in the cold - that makes them very, very selfish people. And therefore, there are better girls out there - girls who are emotionally stable and are mature enough to decide what they want.

We have to believe that there was no love in this. Everything they did, they were doing for themselves. It's evident because they also left us for completely selfish reasons. They obviously never valued the relationship all that much, or they would have stuck around to iron out whatever issues they weren't happy with.

I do hope you're doing okay.

Damn man. It is so scary how all our exes pulled the same act. I mean, what is wrong with these people!? It is truly something I don't think I will ever understand. How selfish of an act, to tell someone you want to spend your life with them and leave them so easily. I will absolutely never understand it. My ex knew she was wrong, knew she was selfish and still left me despite all the stupid promises and all the time we spent imagining our future together. In hindsight I guess I never realized just how emotionally unstable my ex was, she always used to hide her feelings rather than talk to me about them. That was her biggest flaw, to me it was her only flaw, but it was enough for her to leave me. It kills me to think that she has to leave me in order to fix this. It kills me to think that I couldn't be the one to do it and that one day someone will help her fix it and she will live a happy life with someone else. I so desperately wish I could be the one to do that for her.

John, please grieve. Don't hold it in. Cry, cry like a baby. I think you will feel better getting it out of your system now rather than later.

September 22, 2011

positivenegative: agreed, I too didn't cry after I got dumped. But last night I broke down and well..it's rather cathartic

John, I read your letter and it's very touching and very, very heartfelt. But what do you want to get out of it? Because I'm fairly sure that it's not going to change her mind. It might make her pity you at best, but at worst it might push her further away.

Well, the reason I'm saying this is that I sent a series of emails/letters to my ex shortly after she dumped me. They all revolved around the following themes: 1. I love her so much and will never be able to love anyone else as much again 2. I'm sorry for what I did wrong and I will change. I even made and illustrated a booklet containing our memories. It was the most touching thing ever. But what did I get in return? One night, after partying with her friends she writes an email to me half drunk. (the one I mentioned above)

Basically, at this stage there's very little chance that they would change their mind. If you feel you have to send a letter, I think you need to keep it short and sweet. Don't reveal that you are hurting as much as you are, because she is not going to come back out of pity, nor do you want her to come back out of pity. Wish her well instead and thank her for the memories and leave it at that.

Counterintuitive...yes it is indeed. I too would've just gone ahead and sent a similar email to yours. But I've been reading posts on LS and other forums and if you believe what the majority of people say, then this is pretty much the way to go. It doesn't guarantee that you'll get her back, but it does avoid pushing her away further. And if nothing else, you walk away with your dignity intact.

I can't lay claim to any of the advice I'm doling out here - it's basically me rehashing all the literature I've read online since I got dumped 1.5 months ago. I'm sharing it with you cos it kinda made sense to me

September 22, 2011

Also, when you guys are saying she may not be attracted to me anymore are you saying emotional or physically? I have not let myself go and I am very dedicated to making myself look good. I go to the gym every day and always tan outside on the weekends. If anything I am more physically attractive than before haha

I really appreciate everyone's input. This really helps a lot.

Everything about you (until she says different) is what she doesnt want anymore. So its emotionally AND physically.

Edited September 22, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

September 22, 2011

Wow, it's amazing how many breakups are to do with GIGS. I'm going through exact same thing dude, in fact so are half the guys on this site. Young girlfriend or fiancee (20-25) freaking out before making a bigger commitment. My ex is 23, I'm 28 and we were due to get married. Everything seemed perfect then I got "the speech" like you did.

My best advice: LISTEN TO HOMEBREW. That dude really knows what he's talking about and is your best chance to get her back. Good luck buddy

September 22, 2011

Homebrew,

Truly appreciate the time you took to go through my post. It's a wake up slap, but I do thank you for it. Obviously, I am still pretty deep in the confusion. I'm still confused, still angry, I am still trying to find my way. There are times when I do feel content in her decision and her ability to do it, as in I know there was nothing I could've changed to keep her and I know she wouldn't have done this without truly knowing that it was best for her. There are obviously times where I just cannot fathom how she left me and I become angry. As for her emotionally stability I was not referring to her decision to break up, that was actually an observation on past behaviors. I do not consider the break up to be a direct result of it, I chose my words wrong, but I think it is one of the things she wants to work on herself. Homebrew, I have no idea what she wants, only she does. I know that her emotional restraint is not the reason she broke up with me but it was something she mentioned while she was doing it. I am trying my best to heal right now, this is my first real break up and being so I have no idea how to deal with it. I taking it one step at a time, but I have no doubt I will trip up every once in awhile.

September 22, 2011

I do realize I am healing and I am thankful for every day I make it through. I've had the greatly healing company of family and friends. I do consider myself quite in debt to them and I am very thankful. This is truly a situation like no other, it is almost like a loved one has died. Their presence is no more. They still exist in this situation but they are in no way the person you once knew. I am trying to erase the hope that I am holding on to and I do feel it waning with the passing days. I have recently come to the attention of this girl that I find very attractive, I am in no way ready to jump into another relationship but I find thinking about her takes my mind off my ex considerably. Anyways, do not mean to hijack this thread. Thanks again Homebrew.

September 23, 2011

I do realize I am healing and I am thankful for every day I make it through. I've had the greatly healing company of family and friends. I do consider myself quite in debt to them and I am very thankful. This is truly a situation like no other, it is almost like a loved one has died. Their presence is no more. They still exist in this situation but they are in no way the person you once knew. I am trying to erase the hope that I am holding on to and I do feel it waning with the passing days. I have recently come to the attention of this girl that I find very attractive, I am in no way ready to jump into another relationship but I find thinking about her takes my mind off my ex considerably. Anyways, do not mean to hijack this thread. Thanks again Homebrew.

Feel the exact same as you do man... Literally feels like someone died and you dont knw them anymore and you'll never kno them again. Kinda helps in a weird way to feel like that. All you have left is a bag full of good memories. And just keep on wit life. Haven't seen her spoke to ex in 6 months. Literally deleted her from my life. Deleted my email accounts n blocked her phone. Just gotta move on... Waaayy too many great women out there! Lol

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