ex contacted me after 6 months of NC

[EatPrayLove]

My ex and I broke up at the end of March. It turned into a horrible relationship and ended in the worst way possible. He is a classic narcissist and basically lied to me from day one of our relationship and eventually turned emotionally abusive. At the end of the relationship he literally up and disappeared from my life and took my cat with him. He told me he was going on a job interview in Texas, when in fact he was moving back to Texas to live with his parents. He refused to speak to me for a week and I was going crazy wondering what the heck was going on. I was under the impression he would be gone for the weekend, not gone for good. I'm sure you can understand the hell I went through that week trying to get him to talk to me and tell me what was happening. Long story short, he ended up sending me this long, mentally unstable text message about how screwed up he is and how he didn't know why he was ignoring me and how the only thing he wanted to do was talk to me. I finally got him to answer my phone call and we talked for about 10 mins before he spooked and disappeared again for 3 more days. During our convo he asked me to come to Texas to see him. Long story short I drove to Texas to in hopes of making him speak to me. We had been together for years and I gave too much of myself to him to just allow him to fall off the face of the earth like this. I get to Texas and he refused to see me and eventually broke up with me on the phone.

 

A week prior to his disappearance he took me to New Orleans on a lavish vacation- Dom Perignon, private dinners, a suite at the Roosevelt Waldorf Astoria. Anything I wanted he did it. He was using the trip to try to prove to me he was a changed man.

 

It was mind boggling how he went from Mr. Perfect to Mr. Nowhere To Be Found.

 

Needless to say, we haven't spoken since April 2. It was the worst break up of my life and I still hate him and am unable to forgive him for the despicable way he treated me.

 

This past Saturday at 4 am he texted me. He said something about thanking me for helping him find his faith again, lamely apologizing for hurting me, said he felt God and his family were starting to forgive him and then told me that I can find happiness by following my dreams. He wished me the best, he wished me happiness and a good future.

 

AHHH I was so freaking mad at him for texting me. I was beginning to feel completely fine about the fact that he would never be in my life again. The pain of the breakup was finally 90% gone and I was really starting to feel genuinely happy again. I've been on a journey of self-discovery and really loving myself and giving myself nothing but what I deserve. I'm not even dating anyone or interested in dating someone until I feel like I've found myself 100%.

 

His contact seems to have set me back a bit, though. I debated whether or not to answer but against my better sense I did around noon on Saturday. I told him that I was happy and that I did not need someone like him to tell me how to find happiness. I mentioned that I was finding myself. I told him that I didn't forgive and couldn't for a long time. I told him his treatment of me was despicable and that no person should ever treat another the way he treated me. I ended the text by telling him to take care of my cat and that I still missed the cat.

 

He sent me a photo of my cat, not sure whether he wanted me to know the cat was okay or if he was being mean. I didn't respond to the picture text and I haven't said anything to him since I said I didn't forgive him. I don't plan on anymore future contact because NC is the only way to go if you are truly trying to heal.

 

I question his motives for texting me because who sends an "apology" text at 4 in the morning? I doubt his apology was sincere- I think he just wanted to clear his conscience. He wasn't thinking about the text would affect me and that I made it clear to him that was never to contact me again for any reason. He was being selfish by contacting me.

 

What do you guys think about his text? What was he trying to accomplish with it? Was this his way of trying to find his way back in my life in hopes that I didn't hate him anymore? Is he missing me or regretting the breakup?

 

I need some clarity because he is now on my mind all the time again. I finally got to the point where he rarely crossed my mind. Now I'm hearing old songs and thinking of him, basically thinking of him in connection with anything. We lived together so I'm starting to "see" him in my condo again.

[EatPrayLove]

Oh and he never cared about my happiness before. Why is he wishing it to me now? Why would he contact me? Why couldn't he just let it lie? Why, why, why keeps circling my brain.

[geegirl]

If someone was really remorseful and wanted to extend a heartfelt apology, do you think they would decide 1) at 4AM 2) by text, to express their feelings of regret. A truly remorseful person who has gained self-awareness and introspection, will find a better time and a better way to communicate themselves to you.

 

Anything other than that, in my opinion is just a form of testing the waters. His hope that you will react.

[geegirl]

Oh and he never cared about my happiness before. Why is he wishing it to me now? Why would he contact me? Why couldn't he just let it lie? Why, why, why keeps circling my brain.

 

If you claim he is narcissistic (selfish), emotionally abusive and a manipulator (liar), why do you believe that he would have the capacity to think with empathy as you do in terms of "why couldn't he just let it lie?" This is not about you. This is about him. He is wishing you now because enough time has lapsed for you to have calmed down, forget and and now is a good time to hopefully catch you off guard enough to provoke a reaction.

 

The question is, why are you questioning his actions when clearly he was very toxic towards you. You will never understand the thought patterns of these types. You should be deleting that text and remembering all the bad he did to you and tossing him aside versus analyzing his intent, which at best, is worth nothing.

[EgoJoe]

I can't believe that mother ****er took your cat! I have some friends in Texas who for a small fee (transportation, inconvenience and delivery) can get your cat back for you.

[EatPrayLove]

I know! I can't believe he took my cat either. Typical of him though. Right before I left Houston I told him his mother promised I could take Jojo back home with me. All he did was laugh at me.

 

Gleegirl- you're right. I know all of that already but my emotions just take over. Thanks for saying it to me- reading those words helps me to calm down and put things back in perspective.

[geegirl]

I know! I can't believe he took my cat either. Typical of him though. Right before I left Houston I told him his mother promised I could take Jojo back home with me. All he did was laugh at me.

 

Gleegirl- you're right. I know all of that already but my emotions just take over. Thanks for saying it to me- reading those words helps me to calm down and put things back in perspective.

 

I dated a narcissist (diagnosed) and eventhough he did horrible things to me, I still loved him after we broke up. It's normal to have those emotions because there were good times and there were signs of a decent man through that R and we hold on to that. Its what keeps the emotions alive but it's not enough to put yourself back in a toxic situation because chances are, he's hardly changed. If he did, you'd see a changed man with a solid apology. Not a man hiding behind a text at 4 in the morning.

[EatPrayLove]

You're right about still having those feelings. My friends have a hard time understanding why I would fluctuate between hatred and then missing him. I'm glad you understand still having feelings like that.

 

It also helps me feel better to know that even though he acted like a changed man, he is still the same old miserable crappy person. I truly have changed for the better but he can only pretend he has.

 

I still haven't gotten to the point where I feel indifferent about him and how he's doing. He made me suffer for so long.

[EgoJoe]

I still can't believe that mother ****er took your Cat!

[geegirl]

You're right about still having those feelings. My friends have a hard time understanding why I would fluctuate between hatred and then missing him. I'm glad you understand still having feelings like that.

 

It also helps me feel better to know that even though he acted like a changed man, he is still the same old miserable crappy person. I truly have changed for the better but he can only pretend he has.

 

I still haven't gotten to the point where I feel indifferent about him and how he's doing. He made me suffer for so long.

 

You know Eat, it was hard for me to accept the bad and even after the break up because I was mostly in denial. If he was so good and now he's become "bad", I'm going to hold on because I know that good is somewhere in there. It is going to come back. It wasn't. He was showing me who he really was as time went on. The mask had fallen.

 

Toxic relationships are even harder to detach because you've been manipulated and controlled to such an extent that when you leave the R, you can't tell what's right from wrong. I remember my therapist asking me how I felt and I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer and set me on tumble dry during the R and now I'm stepping out not knowing which way is up or down." Detaching is a harder process because not only do you have to heal your broken heart, but you have to heal a broken mind. Toxic Rs strip you of your self esteem and your value. When you walk away there's so much that you have to put back together again and it's a slow process.

 

Your friends don't understand because to them it's, well, a break up. A few months and you get over it. But in a toxic R, coming back to life is a slower journey because not only did you lose love, you also lost your sense of self.

 

It's normal for you to feel emotions. Some people take longer than others. The great thing about you is that you identify it as a bad situation and one that you will not want to go back again. That in itself, is tremendous progress and a sign that you are in touch with reality. Once the mind takes over, the heart will slowly let go.

[M2155]

Toxic relationships are even harder to detach because you've been manipulated and controlled to such an extent that when you leave the R, you can't tell what's right from wrong. I remember my therapist asking me how I felt and I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer and set me on tumble dry during the R and now I'm stepping out not knowing which way is up or down." Detaching is a harder process because not only do you have to heal your broken heart, but you have to heal a broken mind. Toxic Rs strip you of your self esteem and your value. When you walk away there's so much that you have to put back together again and it's a slow process.

 

Wow this is very insightful. I don't think my R was "toxic" (nothing on this level) but that's really interesting way to look at it. I know with sound mind my guy did not treat me the best at all, but I remember the time when he did. And I see him treating the new girl 10 times better than he ever treated me and for some ridiculous reason that gets to me more. I wish we could turn emotions off sometimes.

 

I really came back to this thread for this quote though

I still can't believe that mother ****er took your Cat!

[geegirl]

I can't believe that ahole took her cat either!

[ConfusedT]

You know Eat, it was hard for me to accept the bad and even after the break up because I was mostly in denial. If he was so good and now he's become "bad", I'm going to hold on because I know that good is somewhere in there. It is going to come back. It wasn't. He was showing me who he really was as time went on. The mask had fallen.

 

Toxic relationships are even harder to detach because you've been manipulated and controlled to such an extent that when you leave the R, you can't tell what's right from wrong. I remember my therapist asking me how I felt and I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer and set me on tumble dry during the R and now I'm stepping out not knowing which way is up or down." Detaching is a harder process because not only do you have to heal your broken heart, but you have to heal a broken mind. Toxic Rs strip you of your self esteem and your value. When you walk away there's so much that you have to put back together again and it's a slow process.

 

Your friends don't understand because to them it's, well, a break up. A few months and you get over it. But in a toxic R, coming back to life is a slower journey because not only did you lose love, you also lost your sense of self.

 

It's normal for you to feel emotions. Some people take longer than others. The great thing about you is that you identify it as a bad situation and one that you will not want to go back again. That in itself, is tremendous progress and a sign that you are in touch with reality. Once the mind takes over, the heart will slowly let go.

 

i wish my friends understood this. most of them just tell me to move on, but like you geegirl, i love him, i still do. he did the worst things to me, that should make me hate him, but yesterday and today, i decided that i can no longer continue to be in denial about how i feel and put on a fake face. i am hurt, i am broken, i am shattered, but just as you said, i will rebuild, but that doesnt stop me from loving him.. it just makes me see how much more i should love myself! toxic relationships are the freakin worst!!!! i have no self-esteem left, i have no self-worth left. he broke me down. he called me pathetic yesterday and you know what i am... but that is nothing to be embarassed about, honestly... i found an amazing quote...

 

there is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up and move on..

 

 

 

i believe we can all do just that. it takes time and different methods of healing, but the point is, we will all heal!!!

[geegirl]

It's hard to hate when you still love. But love in time will turn to indifference. You have to cut the cord at some point. The fact that you both met and fought continuosly is a sign that you should be stepping away and focusing on yourself. Granted it is painful, you love him but that love cannot and must not be justification to have someone like that in your life again. As my therapist used to say, "Love him from afar and go on your way. Just don't get close."

 

Your self esteem can be redeemed. If you give it a chance. Going back strips you even more of what ever little you have. The choice is yours Confused.

 

From pain comes growth. You've fallen. Get back up. You are progressing. The fact that you grasping reality that this is not what you want and need in your life is a huge step. Once you decide that YOU come first, there is no going back. Temporary pain but in time a healthier you or indefinite pain and in time a broken you? Decide, Confused.

 

i wish my friends understood this. most of them just tell me to move on, but like you geegirl, i love him, i still do. he did the worst things to me, that should make me hate him, but yesterday and today, i decided that i can no longer continue to be in denial about how i feel and put on a fake face. i am hurt, i am broken, i am shattered, but just as you said, i will rebuild, but that doesnt stop me from loving him.. it just makes me see how much more i should love myself! toxic relationships are the freakin worst!!!! i have no self-esteem left, i have no self-worth left. he broke me down. he called me pathetic yesterday and you know what i am... but that is nothing to be embarassed about, honestly... i found an amazing quote...

 

there is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up and move on..

 

 

 

i believe we can all do just that. it takes time and different methods of healing, but the point is, we will all heal!!!

[EatPrayLove]

I'm doing a little better today. Over the past 6 months I've been working very hard on not missing him, not wanting him back, not wanting to see his number on my phone and I was finally on the verge of being over all that. I just needed a few more weeks of no contact and then I'm pretty sure I would have been golden. I think I would have finally stopped missing the man I built him up to be in my mind. I won't lie- I was actually a little happy for a split second when I saw his text message. But then when I read it all I felt was body shaking rage.

 

He and I just clicked. We had amazing chemistry and on paper we were magic together. His emotional issues tore apart the relationship bit by bit but we still clicked like buttons. These past 6 months I've been working on pushing those thoughts out of my mind and replacing them with the reality of our relationship and the horrific things he did to me. I didn't mention this before but the emotional abuse ended up turning into physical abuse. I stupidly didn't press charges and of course that just fed his ego and made him think he didn't do anything "that bad" to me.

 

But this contact a few days ago put me back 3 months in my recovery process. I see commercials for Disney World and I start tearing up. An article on the most secluded beaches is on Yahoo.com right now and we camped at one of the islands featured in the article (Cayo Costa). Songs come on the radio and I immediately have to turn the station. It's starting to happen again- I'm starting to miss him and wish I could pick up the phone and tell him about the Yahoo article.

 

If only that text had not come through I would be a-okay right now. I wouldn't be feeling any of this and I wouldn't be wasting so much mental real estate on him. I'm proud to say I blocked his # again.

 

I know in my heart that I am still emotionally unavailable. I can't date anyone and I don't think I can for a while. I feel so blocked off from men. I feel like they all must be scum. I know I'm not the only person to go through a toxic relationship but I could never handle what I went through again. It was that bad. But I also loved him so much and clicked so well with him that I feel like I'll never find that with anyone else.

 

I do know I dodged a bullet. I do know the break up was the best thing that ever happened to me. A small part of me still just wishes things never went bad between us, that we were together and happy still.

 

 

 

TO CONFUSED: Your ex may be treating his new girlfriend like a princess now but that won't last long. It will be the same way with her that it was with you- he will be a KISA in the beginning then go downhill and be the same jerk to her that he was to you. Don't let his treatment of his new girl get you down. It's all an act.

 

Plus, don't contact him. Don't give him the chance to further pull you down.

[EgoJoe]

**** all the bull**** and articulate things I could say. I would beat the brakes off of this dude on GP for you. What a douche-wagon.

 

I'm not trying to make an offer (except I really do know people in Texas who would rescue your cat) but why the **** do broads waste their time on guys like this?

 

You could put two beers in a businessman at a bar and get more love than this guy could ever offer.

Edited September 21, 2011 by EgoJoe
I can't believe he took her Cat! It drives me insane.

[EatPrayLove]

Joe- A few months ago I would have told you to go ahead and give it to him!

 

The reason women get stuck on men like my ex (at least in my case) is that they are so good at getting the girl. He was the most amazing boyfriend I had ever had and my friends were so jealous of how good he was to me. Men like him are so good at acting its sick.

 

After 6 months I started to uncover some pretty major lies and huge character flaws in him but I was already hooked. I loved him so much that I didn't have the backbone to leave him. I thought things would get better- I thought the man he was at the beginning of the relationship would come back. But thats the catch- he never was that man and never would be capable of being good.

 

But he was so good at pleading with me and trying to be a better man that I always gave him more time. But in reality, giving him more time gave him more license to be an abusive prick. The abusive episodes got more and more frequent until my neighbor finally picked up on what was going on between us. I'm 22 years old and he is 25 and in very good shape. I stood no chance against him.

 

I was young and "so in love" that I thought it would get better.

 

Men like him prey on women and women like me get suckered in.

 

But, never again. I'm so much stronger now and I won't give myself anything but the best.

 

As soon as I graduate college I can finally leave this college town and move on with my life and leave every memory of him behind.

[EgoJoe]

Don't play the victim. Become the opponent. Hire someone to beat his ass and take your cat back!

[melenkurion]

Toxic relationships are even harder to detach because you've been manipulated and controlled to such an extent that when you leave the R, you can't tell what's right from wrong. I remember my therapist asking me how I felt and I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer and set me on tumble dry during the R and now I'm stepping out not knowing which way is up or down." Detaching is a harder process because not only do you have to heal your broken heart, but you have to heal a broken mind. Toxic Rs strip you of your self esteem and your value. When you walk away there's so much that you have to put back together again and it's a slow process.

 

Your friends don't understand because to them it's, well, a break up. A few months and you get over it. But in a toxic R, coming back to life is a slower journey because not only did you lose love, you also lost your sense of self.

 

 

That's been helpful to read. When I came out of my last relationship, I actually didn't know who I was any longer. I had totally lost all sense of my own identity. My self-esteem was really, really low, after years of being subtly undermined (and not so subtly, by the end). Since the breakup, I've been in counselling for nearly a year, and at least I know who I am once again. To get to that point, well, it's taken a while. A lot longer than I thought.

[melenkurion]

I can't believe that scumbag took you cat. That's so cruel.