Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Most confusing situation ever. Would like your take on it, as I've never dealt with anything like this: -guy (who I like) asks me on date -date goes well (I think) -(I thank him, but) he waits a week to contact me. When he does, it's about how he enjoyed himself, but with no talk of future dates -A week later (and by this point, I assumed he'd lost interest), he contacts me with detailed plans of our next date (so, I assume maybe I was wrong, and there was interest) -he never contacts me between planned dates. He will respond to my communication (which is infrequent), but will never initiate contact -once a week, like clockwork, he comes up with an elaborate plan for a date, which he always wants to treat me to. I always offer to pay, but he won't let me. -I've planned dates and asked him out, but he's said no--maybe another time. -He continues to take me out once a week like clockwork. GREAT dates. Great communication. Great intimacy. NO contact in between. This has been going on about four months now. -I asked what the expectations were in whatever was going on with us--he says I am NOT a friends with benefits. He says he is single and would tell me if he ever found someone else. He says he loves my company. Is super attracted to me. But is not looking for anything more. I assume that means he wants no future...but then he asked if he can treat me to another date, LOL. -He continues to woo with dates, but there is no communication outside of communication on dates. -For my birthday, he sent me a sweet text, but made no plans to celebrate. When I told him I'd like to see him for my birthday, he asked me out on another date and cuddled me all night. -After that night, he made no contact for a month. I decided I was not going to initiate contact until he finally made contact. I assumed that was the end of our "relationship", whatever it may be. -A month later, not only does he contact me...he invites me to meet his family!!! On the way there, he tells me he can't remember the last time he brought a girl to meet his family. -I meet his family, have a great night. Haven't heard from him since, LOL. -I sent him a quick, playful text, which he responded, too...but then no contact again. I am SO confused. What the hell is going on in his mind???? I've never been with a guy who loves planning and treating to expensive dates...putting in the time and money to woo, but with no goal. The ignoring me (and telling me he's not looking for anything) seems to show me he's not interested...but then introducing me to his family???? It makes NO sense to me whatsoever. Part of me wonders if he's just using me as...like, some sort of "trophy girl"--he wants to show people he has a woman, but without having a woman. I don't know if people really do this sort of thing, but it seems there is no emotional attachment to me whatsoever, but I'm brought along to show off as if he has a girl. Anyone ever dealt with a situation like this? What the heck is this all about?
thatone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) if the dates go well he's not some sort of wierdo with mental issues, in all likelihood. he has enough experience to know what to say and do on dates at least. if he were going to all this effort to get laid he'd want to do move things along more quickly, so that's not it. there's some other woman that he's somehow connected to that his family doesn't approve of, is my best guess. Edited September 21, 2011 by thatone
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 When he told you he "wasn't looking for anything more" he was telling you the situation with you and him was not going to change. You can accept that (dates with up to a month of no contact) or you can move on. Personally I would not be getting intimate with him anymore unless he did change and started being more emotionally available and more communicative.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Are you a trophy girl? I doubt it. To be a trophy girl, you have to be exceptionally hot. If that doesn't describe you, than your self-flattering assumption is without merit. However, there could be other possibilities. Maybe his increasingly infrequent contact is his way of showing that he wants you to initiate more often. Maybe he's lying about not having other girlfriends. Maybe he's a closeted homosexual who needs a token girlfriend to fool his family and coworkers. The possibilities are endless. Have you considered asking him directly?
Author Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I'm not trying to self flatter with the use of the word "trophy girl". What I mean by that word is, I wonder if I'm more of an object that is being used in place of a girlfriend, without any of the responsibilities of a girlfriend--like emotional attachment and communication. Trophy, I am equating, to an object. But, I am a lot younger than him, and I am a model--so, I guess the traditional sense of trophy might even apply. Every time we go on dates, people approach us and ask if I'm a model, and he seems to enjoy that. I don't know. I don't care about those things. I know he's not dating anyone else, as we have mutual friends, and they have assured he's very single. The closeted homosexual theory does have much merit though, as he makes about five gay references on every date, talking about how he's not gay, and it's proven, because he's hanging out with me, and I'm a girl. It really has made me wonder, because, I don't think heterosexual guys have to explain to themselves and others that they are not gay. This theory would make sense--that he wants to be seen in public with me. Make sure his family sees me. Again, use me as some sort of trophy/object, to show people he's with a girl and hence not gay...but without actually having a relationship with a girl. Yet, at the same time, we are intimate with each other, and it's really good! But again, maybe he's trying to prove something to himself? I would like to have a talk with him about this, but am not sure the best way to address the issue.
thatone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 i think the closet gay thing is spot on, the more you say the more it makes sense. i have never made a comment about homosexuality one way or another in front of a date except to get the hint across that i have a gay sister so that the other person knows not to say anything that might be considered offensive.
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) No, I don't think the gay thing applies if he is actively having sex with her. I do think you should stop having sex with him until it is a more serious relationship. The infrequency with his contact and him saying "I don't want anything more" loud and clearly state "you are not my girlfriend." So if you're not his girlfriend, stop sleeping with him, because he's definitely using you for sex. I don't think it's a "trophy girl" thing, it's a "I get sex without a relationship" thing for him. However, if you are willing to accept that you get good sex (occasionally) and that he is using you for that, that is fine, you just have to be okay with it. Edited September 21, 2011 by Hot Chick
thatone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 did you see the part where she said he makes about 5 gay references per date? what else explains that other than overcompensating misdirection? if he was that into the sex he'd want it more than once a month, i think.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 The closeted homosexual theory does have much merit though, as he makes about five gay references on every date, talking about how he's not gay, and it's proven, because he's hanging out with me, and I'm a girl. It really has made me wonder, because, I don't think heterosexual guys have to explain to themselves and others that they are not gay. This theory would make sense--that he wants to be seen in public with me. Make sure his family sees me. Again, use me as some sort of trophy/object, to show people he's with a girl and hence not gay...but without actually having a relationship with a girl. Yet, at the same time, we are intimate with each other, and it's really good! But again, maybe he's trying to prove something to himself? Homosexuality is not a cut and dry concept. Many (perhaps even most) gay men are psychically capable of being intimate with a woman. There is no shortage of gay men who are married and have children. The fact that he talks about not being gay so much is a HUGE red flag. As you say, a heterosexual man would see no reason to prove his straightness. Out of curiosity, if you are indeed a very good looking woman and a model, you likely suffer from no shortage of male attention. What is it about this guy that attracts you so much?
FitChick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 The correct term isn't trophy, it's beard.
Author Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I do have to admit, every time we have had sex, he has made excuses as to why it "may not work" (really strange excuses). And he seems quite pleased when he successfully has sex, and again makes gay references about how--he's not gay, and he had sex with me, and that is proof he's not gay. He also is absolutely fine with not having sex and cuddling all night, too. The past couple months, all we've done is cuddled, although he'll talk about liking sex. I have to admit, at this point, I kind of prefer the cuddling, simply because my heart so years for that more emotional attachment after being ignored for so long. The cuddling helps with that. My gut is really saying that the gay theory could be valid. Taking me out in public to show people he's with a girl. Paying for all the dates, because in a way, my going out with him is like a service to him. Not coming over when I ask him out, because, being alone with me doesn't prove to people in public that he's not gay. Inviting me around people he's closest to, to prove to them he's not gay, even though our relationship is really too superficial for me to be introduced to his family. This could also explain why he's been single for so long. Oh, he also is impeccably dressed, and a fabulous interior designer. He's always joking around, too, telling me that his friends call him gay. He has lots of cats, too, and always jokes about how everyone must think he's the gay man in the neighborhood, etc etc. He's just ALWAYS bringing up "gay, gay, gay" (to a point that it almost feels like a Seinfeld episode). He'll go as far as to say, "everyone thinks I'm gay, and all the gay guys here would probably totally hit on me if I was here alone. But I am not here alone. I am here with you, and you are a chick. And if I am with a chick, I cannot be gay." It's really intriguing!
Author Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Yes, FitChick--I think I might be the beard!!!! I thought maybe the philosophy "he's just not that into you" applied, and that he just really didn't like me. BUT, I think he likes me as much as a guy who doesn't want a relationship with a girl can. I mean, when we do hang out, he talks with me for hours and hours. And he does always continue to hang out with me. He seems to, for some reason, want me around in some way or another. I just think that he has a "goal" for having me around...and it's certainly not a real relationship. I think using me as a beard might be his goal.
Author Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 OMG, it just hit me. He wears pastel colors, too. And sings. You guys, seriously, I think we've hit the nail on the head. I get it now. I AM the beard.
Author Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 This would also explain why we get along so well and talk for hours and hours and hours in person. He's like a gay best friend. So of course I want to get closer, because we are so close when we're together, communicating on such a deep level, as if we're best girlfriends. The having sex with me is to probably prove to himself he's not gay. Yet, he's really not drawn to having sex with a woman. Hence the reason, even though we have great communication and great sex, he doesn't want to get closer. Yet still wants to take me out, to "show" people and prove to them he's not gay. This theory totally would explain why this situation is SO confusing and not like any hetero relationship I've ever been in!
FitChick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Introduce him to some gay guys and get their opinions. They will know for sure. Gaydar. They can sniff out even the most straight looking guy and know he's gay.
2sunny Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 looks like you may be his cover up - or decoy...
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 The gay men I know are absolutely wonderful friends. They would be there for me even if no one else would. If I were you, I'd convert this to a mutually enjoyable friendship and continue to enjoy the princess treatment.
Author Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 He's always talking about how his gaydar is really good. In fact, he's ALWAYS talking about gay people. I'd say on average, he brings up 5 to 10 gay related stories or references every time we meet (I never bring it up--it's always him randomly bringing it up on his own, without fail). He also throws in commentary about how he finds women hot, and likes naked female bodies. Not males. All of his friends who are male are always calling him gay. And, he is always telling me that gay men approach him and want to date him. I'm thinking that right there probably a sign, and goes to show, their gaydars are working...
Author Katrina65 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 You know, Princess, I'd LIKE that! I have a gay friend who is one of my favorite people on the planet. We can talk about anything and have a deep emotional bond. In fact, I would much prefer a close friendship with this man I speak of now, who is likely using me as a beard, than a distant physical bond.
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I am still not convinced that he is gay.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Honey, he is gayer than Christmas! And he is dying to talk about GAY THINGS with you -- like asking you about your next lover's penis in detail. I TOLD my lover a couple of weeks ago that my "gay boyfriend" was going to ask about his penis. The NEXT time we hung out, he did.
Calutaxi484 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Honey, he is gayer than Christmas! And he is dying to talk about GAY THINGS with you -- like asking you about your next lover's penis in detail. I TOLD my lover a couple of weeks ago that my "gay boyfriend" was going to ask about his penis. The NEXT time we hung out, he did. Katrina, just ask him if he ever sucked a dick he didn't like. The straight guy answer would be " I never sucked a dick". In all seriousness though he definitely sounds like a closet case, and is probably using you for self assurance. Maybe he's confused? I don't think I've ever had to reassure a woman that I wasn't gay. It's usually pretty self explanatory.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 You know, Princess, I'd LIKE that! I have a gay friend who is one of my favorite people on the planet. We can talk about anything and have a deep emotional bond. In fact, I would much prefer a close friendship with this man I speak of now, who is likely using me as a beard, than a distant physical bond. So what's the problem? You can continue to pretend being his girlfriend (he needs to gets out of this too, you know) and you can develop a "close emotional bond". Win-win?
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 He is still having sex with her, though. I think he is just the type of guy who gets mistaken for gay a lot, but he really is not. That is why he keeps making it clear that he is NOT gay. I know guys like that - who keep getting hit on by gay guys, they just have a gay vibe about them....but they are not gay. Or they might have a profession where there are a lot of gay guys in the profession - like hair styling or fashion stylist...doesn't mean they are, though. I know a couple male hair stylists who are NOT gay.
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