Choosing To Stay

[His4Always]

Hello,

My MM and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. He has two children, ages 15 and 13. He is staying for his children, because he refuses to allow them to come from a broken home. I know that you will think that is just an excuse, but I know he loves his children very much, and I respect him for trying to be there for his sons.

 

His wife knows he is in love with someone else. He doesn't try to hide it, but he is discreet. She is adamant that they maintain their home and the family unit until the youngest child is out of the home. All she requires of him is that he provide for the family and be a good Dad. She told him that the children musn't find out he is seeing another woman and he isn't to use family money to see me. This is their agreement and they both agree that is best for the kids. She knows that he plans to leave the marriage as soon as the youngest child leaves home.

 

I have read enough threads to know that many of you will not believe what I have written. However, these things are not in dispute. I write them here to provide you with some background.

 

I love him very much and know that he will keep his word to me. He always has. He has always done whatever I have asked of him.

 

I have chosen to stay. I know it will not be an easy 5 years and it will take time to dissolve the marriage after his son leaves home. I have made the choice to stay with him and support him through that.

 

Most of the time, I am very happy with the relationship. We love each other so much. We talk about our future and we make plans. Being with him fills me with so much joy. I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything in the whole world.

 

That doesn't mean that it is wonderful all of the time though. Sometimes I look at the calendar and think of how many days it will be. I love him so very much. I understand why he stays and know that it is a worthwhile sacrifice for us both.

 

There are some down days, though. Days when I am saddened about the time we have to wait to be together as an open couple. Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about his children. I fully support him in his decision.

 

My question is for those of you who have made the choice to stay. How do you get through the down days?

 

For those of you who would write that he's never going to leave or that I deserve more or that I am a terrible person, please pass this thread by. I would like to read of experiences from OW who have chosen to stay in their relationship.

 

Thank you.

[jj33]

Im not your target audience but I hope you will hear the words as they are meant.

 

None of us know what hte future holds, good or bad. People change, situations change and we dont know what our lives will look like in 5 years.

 

As you wait, you should ask yourself periodically are you happier with the NOW than you are unhappy. Everyone has bad days in any relationship but if you stay thinking I only have to wait 4 years 8 months, 4 years 7 months etc and all your hopes are pinned on the future you may find that you are miserable and the resentment builds over the years.

 

And as much as you dont want to hear it, if the good while you are waiting doesnt outweigh the bad, you may find you are more devastated than you can ever imagine if 5 years passes and he for whatever reason, he doesnt leave or you dont end up together.

 

IMHO, You always need to focus on the present not the future in these situations. If you so enjoy him that even if he doesnt leave in 5 years, you willl be happy for yuor time together, then you are going to be fine. If your eye is on the prize so to speak, it may well be a very trying 5 years.

 

I know someone who was OW for 11 years and when MMs child graduatied, he left immediately. She waited not knowing because she was happy with the relationship and wasnt fixated on the day that he would leave. They were very happily married until he died recently. She says if she had spent those 11 years waiting for him to leave, it wouldnt have worked.

[MissBee]

I have never chosen that, so I do not know.

 

This relates to non-A relationships as well. I have never agreed to "wait" for any man, single or available, for any period of time, for any reason....as it has never been something that has made sense to me. Our lives either are working in accord with each other's paths or it isn't. I am very fond of the saying that "True love doesn't take you away from your path" I will be honest, I am skeptical of ANY relationship in which one or the other has to "compromise" to an extreme degree or the discomfort of trying to be together is very apparent. I do not readily relate to agreeing to wait for an actual allotted time frame and I cannot really imagine how that shapes a relationship....as it has to.

 

However, perhaps an OW who has waited for 5 years or more could explain to you the contours of that sort of thing.

[woinlove]

I had a reaction as soon as I read your OP and then I saw that others had the same reaction.

 

The end of a M of so many years of living together, raising children, shared circles and family, is a life-changing event, no matter what the circumstances. MM cannot fully know now how he will feel when that end comes. However, in an not insignificant number of cases, the MM decides that the OW who he has spent years with, is not the one he necessarily will grow old with. It happens. Therefore, it is very important that the life you are living RIGHT NOW is the life you want to live.

[MissBee]

Im not your target audience but I hope you will hear the words as they are meant.

 

None of us know what hte future holds, good or bad. People change, situations change and we dont know what our lives will look like in 5 years.

 

As you wait, you should ask yourself periodically are you happier with the NOW than you are unhappy. Everyone has bad days in any relationship but if you stay thinking I only have to wait 4 years 8 months, 4 years 7 months etc and all your hopes are pinned on the future you may find that you are miserable and the resentment builds over the years.

 

And as much as you dont want to hear it, if the good while you are waiting doesnt outweigh the bad, you may find you are more devastated than you can ever imagine if 5 years passes and he for whatever reason, he doesnt leave or you dont end up together.

 

IMHO, You always need to focus on the present not the future in these situations. If you so enjoy him that even if he doesnt leave in 5 years, you willl be happy for yuor time together, then you are going to be fine. If your eye is on the prize so to speak, it may well be a very trying 5 years.

 

I know someone who was OW for 11 years and when MMs child graduatied, he left immediately. She waited not knowing because she was happy with the relationship and wasnt fixated on the day that he would leave. They were very happily married until he died recently. She says if she had spent those 11 years waiting for him to leave, it wouldnt have worked.

 

Great advice!

 

The countdown seems like a prison sentence to me. I mean this with all sincerity, in that that's what I envision in terms of having to wait for a man to be with me fully in X amount of years.

 

I think it is an extremely difficult thing and I personally would not wait for someone for more than a year, further 5. It's such a long time to be in limbo.

 

I am not dissuading you from waiting, as you're going to do as you see fit, but I do think J's advice about periodically asking yourself if you're happy is a good one and do consider if the worst were to happen, would it be worth it. Nothing is wrong with that. It reminds me of a conversation my friend and I had in which I was telling her that one of my conscious goals is to enjoy the little things and be happy NOW as the future doesn't exist...you don't know what can happen and sometimes you wait for some big, future event to change your current condition and when it comes it passes so quickly or is disappointing and you've wasted X amount of time letting life pass by "waiting" for the "big moment". I'd hate for that to happen to you. . If you're living untilt he day he leaves it will be rough as noted...if it doesn't matter, you may fare better...but I have a feeling though that it actually matters a lot to you. Be mindful and honest with yourself, goodluck!

[donnamaybe]

Did the wife tell you that was the arrangement, or is this all out of the mouth of the cheater?

 

Be careful who you spend your years on.

[heartinlove]

As long as everything is out in the open, and the wife is fully aware of the situation and has agreed, then if this is really your true love and he feels the same way, I can see staying in it and choosing what you are choosing.

 

I do think the advice to ask yourself if you are happy now in these circumstances is an important question. If the answer is yes, then you have the answer. If you are miserable now, I wouldn't continue. If you stay in there for 5 years and he doesn't leave would you regret your choice?

 

As for whether he truly would leave once the last child leaves the home, I believe he would otherwise he wouldn't have gone through what it took to tell his wife everything to even come to an agreement.

 

I would say if I was offered the same scenario, I would do it as well.

[whichwayisup]

So, what happens in 5 years when the youngest doesn't move out? Many kids these days LIVE with their parents well into their 20's as they just can't afford to move out on their own. Do you wait another 5 years? In hopes he'll choose you?

 

So, what happens if he or his wife, or one of the kids gets ill? Like cancer, or some other ailment? Do you still believe or hope he'll leave, bail out on his family?

 

So, what happens if you meet the most incredible guy, one who can offer you his heart fully, someone who wants to start a family, yet you miss the bus because you're "waiting" in the wings for MM to "one day" leave his wife..

 

Anyway, you've chosen this path, so here's how to handle it for the next 5-10 years while you wait for him to 'divorce'.. You live your life. Don't make him NUMBER ONE. Put yourself first. See your friends, your family, go on vacation with friends, do hobbies, things you like to do. Set boundries and STOP making "future" plans with someone who really is in NO position to make you any sort of promises. You reap what you sow.. You want him, love him so you learn to deal with the crap of being the OW, second fiddle to everything else in his life.

[His4Always]

I am not sitting around waiting. I am sorry if my providing background made it look that way.

 

If I may say so, I feel that we have an advantage because we know we have a future together. I feel very secure in that, but no, I am not sitting around waiting for the days to tick off. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. We are so happy together. It sounds cliche, but we complete each other.

 

Sometimes though, I do have some melancholy over the situation we are in, wishing it could be different.

[His4Always]

So, what happens in 5 years when the youngest doesn't move out? Many kids these days LIVE with their parents well into their 20's as they just can't afford to move out on their own. Do you wait another 5 years? In hopes he'll choose you?

 

So, what happens if he or his wife, or one of the kids gets ill? Like cancer, or some other ailment? Do you still believe or hope he'll leave, bail out on his family?

 

So, what happens if you meet the most incredible guy, one who can offer you his heart fully, someone who wants to start a family, yet you miss the bus because you're "waiting" in the wings for MM to "one day" leave his wife..

 

Anyway, you've chosen this path, so here's how to handle it for the next 5-10 years while you wait for him to 'divorce'.. You live your life. Don't make him NUMBER ONE. Put yourself first. See your friends, your family, go on vacation with friends, do hobbies, things you like to do. Set boundries and STOP making "future" plans with someone who really is in NO position to make you any sort of promises. You reap what you sow.. You want him, love him so you learn to deal with the crap of being the OW, second fiddle to everything else in his life.

I must take issue with you on bailing on his family. He is staying because he doesn't want to bail on his family.

 

That is not what I asked though. I'm not going to argue with people on whether he is lying to me or eventually going to leave. That is not the question I wish to address here.

[Confused4Now]

I am not sitting around waiting. I am sorry if my providing background made it look that way.

 

If I may say so, I feel that we have an advantage because we know we have a future together. I feel very secure in that, but no, I am not sitting around waiting for the days to tick off. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. We are so happy together. It sounds cliche, but we complete each other.

 

Sometimes though, I do have some melancholy over the situation we are in, wishing it could be different.

Well obviously you have some doubt or else you wouldn't have posted in this forum. Please listen to the words of some of these people. I was like you...I however did leave my marriage but my xMW didn't leave her's. It was 5 years for me and like someone said I was watching the clock and when the time came...she stayed. Trust me I have some regret for wasting my time when I should have listened the advice. Good luck....

[spice4life]

Gosh, it sounds like he has it made and you are sitting on the sidelines patiently and painfully waiting for it to be your turn. God bless you for being willing to sacrifice yourself like that...I certainly couldn't do it. I know you don't want to read any detracting posts, but my initial reaction to your post was that this guy has everything. He has you for sex and ego boosts and doesn't have to spend a dime on you and he has his home life with the wife and kids. I think you are grossly selling yourself short and accepting a h*ll of a lot less than you deserve.

 

I know it's your personal choice to stay and I respect that, but maybe you should consider some counceling while you wait for him. It might help put things in perspective and you may find that you have better choices than this.

 

Again, bless you for your patience and I hope you find the answers you're seeking. You are a very trusting soul, I hope things turn out well for you.

[Confused4Now]

May I ask what are is the age difference between you and MM?

[MissBee]

Gosh, it sounds like he has it made and you are sitting on the sidelines patiently and painfully waiting for it to be your turn. God bless you for being willing to sacrifice yourself like that...I certainly couldn't do it. I know you don't want to read any detracting posts, but my initial reaction to your post was that this guy has everything. He has you for sex and ego boosts and doesn't have to spend a dime on you and he has his home life with the wife and kids. I think you are grossly selling yourself short and accepting a h*ll of a lot less than you deserve.

 

I know it's your personal choice to stay and I respect that, but maybe you should consider some counceling while you wait for him. It might help put things in perspective and you may find that you have better choices than this.

 

Again, bless you for your patience and I hope you find the answers you're seeking. You are a very trusting soul, I hope things turn out well for you .

 

I agree with the bolded!

[His4Always]

Well obviously you have some doubt or else you wouldn't have posted in this forum. Please listen to the words of some of these people. I was like you...I however did leave my marriage but my xMW didn't leave her's. It was 5 years for me and like someone said I was watching the clock and when the time came...she stayed. Trust me I have some regret for wasting my time when I should have listened the advice. Good luck....

Confused,

I am very sorry things did not work out for you. I hope that you find a love that fulfills you someday.

 

I am enjoying our relationship now. I think we will eventually be together, but I don't dwell upon it. I don't think I will regret the time I have spent if things don't go as we have planned. Our love is something I have never experienced before and I'm not sure I will ever experience it again. That's worth so much to me.

 

I cherish what we have now, but as you know, affairs are not easy.

[His4Always]

May I ask what are is the age difference between you and MM?

Hi there again. Our birthdays are only a week apart.

[His4Always]

*****

 

 

 

********

Hi,

Yes, today I am saddened that we are not a couple. I am by no means unhappy every day of the world. He texted me a photo of a beautiful setting with a note that he wished we were there together. I know he feels that longing too.

[NoIDidn't]

Is he going to continue having sex with his W while you wait? Is that a deal breaker for you? No where in this post did I read anything indicating that his W is willing to forgo sex with him just because he's in love with someone else. It doesn't even seem like he had the decency to tell her who the "someone else" is that he plans to leave her for.

 

All in all, things change, people change. I read and known of a few in your position and things mostly didn't work out for them. Some were devastated, some weren't. He is staying married for five more years. According to research, that's long enough for him to feel that his marriage has greatly improved enough for him to stay married.

 

I get that you feel you will always be his and will wait forever, but you will find that you may change as well. Be ready for it. Don't assume that time "invested" in this affair means you have to get what you hoped out of it (him).

 

I know you claimed defensively that you weren't waiting, but your opening post screams waiting - you even said you were watching the calendar. What are you going to do when his youngest leaves in five years and he doesn't leave immediately? Are you going to pressure him about your agreement because of the calendar watch you've started? You won't have the option of getting his W to kick him out as she already knows about "someone" he's seeing.

 

Or what happens if he gets sloppy and the kids find out before the five years is up? Do you have a contingency plan for that? Is he prepared for the fact that his kids may hate him for cheating on their mom and never accept you for helping him cheat? They may love you, but intense hatred is more common. What happens if he tells you he can't leave "for the kids", grown and gone or not?

 

You might not get what you came here for. Even many here that were planning to stay found out that MP lie and keep the OP hanging on for uncertain futures that didn't include them in the end. Too many regrets occur on the road you are on.

[MissBee]

Hi,

Yes, today I am saddened that we are not a couple. I am by no means unhappy every day of the world. He texted me a photo of a beautiful setting with a note that he wished we were there together. I know he feels that longing too.

 

I don't think anyone in affair or even an abusive relationship is unhappy everyday... I wasn't unhappy everyday in my A, I wouldn't have done it if I were, but there was a latent dissatisfaction that was always in the background, as most people in As (including you) experience. Even in the midst of us being together on some getaway, it would be great times but in the back of my mind some sadness that he would have to leave or something would happen that would remind me of the true nature of things.

 

For me: that was what made me end it. The underlying dissatisfaction present. I could have continued living for the good times, there were many, but the "something missing" element was too much to bear.I have been in the position and know that feeling and would never hope to feel that again. Good luck to you but the choice I've made for myself is that the man deserving of me and the situation deserving of my can't come with such obstacles. As for "never being able to experience a love like that"...I highly doubt. I don't want to experience a love like that anyway, I want something even better and I don't limit myself to believing ANY man's love if the final and ultimate and no one can surpass. People aren't disposable but those who have lived and loved know that often one has great loves more than once and for me, love without the right circumstances to boot, is a hassle or temporary thing and not something I plan to build any foundation upon.

[whichwayisup]

I must take issue with you on bailing on his family. He is staying because he doesn't want to bail on his family.

 

That is not what I asked though. I'm not going to argue with people on whether he is lying to me or eventually going to leave. That is not the question I wish to address here.

 

But he IS going to bail out on them eventually..IF the future plan of him really leaving actually happens. Many MM make promises and fill their OW heads up with hope and lies to keep them in their lives.

 

Can I ask? Are you 100% sure she is aware of you and the affair? Or is this just what he has told you? Have you met his children?

 

anyway, I'm not arguing with you at all, just giving you my 2 cents, take it or leave it.

[whichwayisup]

I am not sitting around waiting. I am sorry if my providing background made it look that way.

 

If I may say so, I feel that we have an advantage because we know we have a future together. I feel very secure in that, but no, I am not sitting around waiting for the days to tick off. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. We are so happy together. It sounds cliche, but we complete each other.

 

Sometimes though, I do have some melancholy over the situation we are in, wishing it could be different.

 

I just hope you are focussed in your own life and not just doting on him, waiting for those stolen moments, text messages and emails.. Live your life!

[fooled once]

Hi there again. Our birthdays are only a week apart.

 

How many years apart?

 

I take it you don't want children of your own, correct?

 

You have read that adult children (18-22) have stated how much they wish their parents had divorced prior to them becoming adults, right? How they feel as if they were lied to. Several talk shows have been done about this.

 

So does he leave the day after his youngest turns 18? The week after? The month after?

 

Do you really think his kids won't figure out daddy has a mistress and cheated on mom? So you can call him whenever and he will be by your side at a moments notice? How often do you see him?

[jwi71]

Something is rotten in Denmark.

 

I'm not sure why I opened with that since I virtually guaranteed the OP will now label me as a Debbie Downer and promptly ignore everything I say.

 

You seem pretty loathe about answering questions. Why?

In any case...I have some innocuous ones.

 

1) How many hours a week do you spend with him on average?

2) What is your age difference in years (you suggest none but don't overtly say it).

3) You say that you are totally open. But then you also imply the kids don't know. Who else, besides his W, is conspiring to hide the truth from these kids? I say that because if you are totally open...then everyone must know except the kids.

4) Has any consideration been given these kids when the discover that virtually everyone they know has been helping them lead a lie? What might that do to them in regards to familial relationships?

5) Have you, your MM and his W began to discuss his leaving and how the three of you can ease that transition? Especially in light of all the deception their family is doing to them? Its going to require everyone, including you, to come together and help them through this.

6) How can he spend money on you that isn't family money?

7) How do you know that "everyone knows"? Have you spoken to his W?

8) May I ask how you and your MM transitioned from "normal hidden A" to an "open A"?

 

Its hard to give advice based on so little his4always.

The more you divulge the better the advice. But its entirely up to you....

[FelicityShot]

If your love is unconditional and you are just happy to experience what you do with this MM without any reference to needing a long-term partner in the equation, then this seems fine.

 

It may be that you go on to make a closer partnership style R in the future, and it may be you don't.

 

Do you have equanimity about that? If not the fall out to you personally could be considerable.

 

Do you think it is healthy to bank on someone being there in the future? I hope you can enjoy what you have - which does sound like there is love - without having a particular outcome in mind.

 

Getting very attached to an outcome can be the antithesis of love.

[His4Always]

I am aware of the statistics. I am aware that people think he won't leave. Those things are completely irrelevant to me. I did not start this thread to discuss whether he will ever leave or not. I already know the answer to that.

 

I am not answering questions that are irrelevant to my question, which asked how do OW committed to the long term handle periods of longing?