Wham_J Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hi, I'm new to the forum, so I thought I would just give a little backstory on myself before I presented my situation. I'm 25, and for a large majority of my life (until around 5 months into my 23rd year) I was rather obese, as in weight being in the 475 range. I spent basically all of that time playing online video games watching life and people and experiences pass me by. I naturally have confidence issues, but strangely enough I've always been a talker, so social situations aren't painful for me at all. That being said I've never talked to any females, even as friends, so extremely lacking in that department. As I'm sure you can guess that means I am a kissless virgin. I started dieting and exercising and have since gotten myself down to 275lbs@6'4" so I have a pretty decent frame going. I've been playing dodgeball and flag football in a recreational league to try to build up some confidence in myself. With everything going right for me I decided to try the dating scene out, but still haven't built up that confidence to approach a girl, so instead I made an internet dating profile, and to my surprise met someone who appeared interested. She didn't have a photo up or even a profile but expressed interest in me, so I felt like it would be rude to just ignore her so I decided to get to know her instead. I recently Met up with the girl from the dating website, we had dinner and talked, and while I didn't think it went so well on my end she apparently liked me enough to want to do something else. So I invited her out one night to hang out with me and a friend of mine, it was my birthday but I've never been one to make a big deal out of birthdays, so I didn't mention that part. She wasn't able to go which was fine. So then agreed on plans and we went to the park and jogged and talked and whatever it is you do at public parks. it was a couple of days after my birthday and she got wind it was my birthday the night she didn't want to meet up and felt bad so she gave me a book and invited me back to her apartment to make me a birthday dinner. So I went ate, met her sister all that good stuff and left pretty late in the night around 3 or 4am. After that we were talking in texts about relationships and she expressed she was only looking for friends right now because she broke up with her ex of 5 years and wanted to stay single at least a year. I expressed that I would have liked to have known that information beforehand, since I was treating it like a potential dating situation, after that she said something like, "I don't know though. you're tall and handsome and really chill, I'm just not good at dating, and I don't like the pressure from it." so I transitioned into more of a friend attitude instead of still pursing something that didn't appear to be there. Since that it seems like she goes out of her way to compliment me, such as telling me I'm Handsome, coolest guy ever met, awesome, could see herself in a relationship with me in the future because i'm "like the perfect guy", and etc. but when she was at my place seemed very nervous and timid. She wanted to compare hand size (I'm 6'4 and she's 6'1 so we figured it would be pretty similar) but everytime she would bring her hand close to mine to compare she would pull it away like she was shy. But then had no problem challenging me to arm wrestling. She kept saying she wanted to stay over, but that she shouldn't, so she ended up leaving around 4am. She had me over last night to make me dinner, we watched a movie and talked for a bit, before I realized it it was 4am, so I tell her I'm getting tired and I'm going to head out. She says I should just stay over instead, so I'm hesitant at first but I agree, I expect to sleep on the couch but she wants me to sleep in the bed with her to "chit chat" as she put it. We just talk and after a few hours I end up falling asleep, I noticed again she was shy about any sort of physical contact, she made sure there was a separation, except when she challenged me to thumb wrestling... so nothing happened, I felt like I should be respecting her previous friendship wishes so I didn't try anything. I'm perfectly fine with being friends with her, or more if she wants. I feel like I've made my position known, and the ball is in her court. She has invited me over tomorrow for dinner again. I'm wondering if I should press the issue that I like her, or should I just continue doing what I'm doing? I'm in uncharted waters here and any advice would be much appreciated. That being said I can't figure out if just friends what she really wants herself. Does it seem like this girl may be interested in me for more than friends, or is this typical friend behavior between a male and female?
j86 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Doesnt sound like friend behavior between a guy and a girl to me. I say go for it if you like her. You two seem comfortable enough with each other.
Author Wham_J Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I had mentioned to her when she invited me over for another dinner I felt weird that she keeps wanting to make me meals, and I haven't really had an opportunity to do anything and asked if I should bring anything, which she said no way... Should I maybe bring some wine or something like that anyway? Like I said I really have 0 experience, so I have no clue what going for it would even be.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Sounds like she potentially wants a FWB type arrangement but is too shy to bring it up directly. I think you should definitely bring some wine, and then make a move...she might put up some token resistance, but pay no attention to that, as most women do that. However, if it becomes clear her resistance is more than just token...then you need to tackle the problem head on and ask her what's up (and don't accept some BS explanation for an answer). Making you dinner all the time and sleeping in the same bed is definitely not platonic friend type relationship. If she wants some sort of a weird arrangement where you are basically like a boyfriend and girlfriend but with no intimacy, you should tell her thanks but no thanks. If she wants to be hanging out with you, you need to be getting something in return.
Author Wham_J Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Sounds like she potentially wants a FWB type arrangement but is too shy to bring it up directly. Well she is definitely shy. We were discussing past relationships and she came out and said she has been with two guys, and is 26. Seems way below average to me, so she may just be at the point where she's ready to get down with some new partners, see what shes been missing. I never really considered that option. If she wants some sort of a weird arrangement where you are basically like a boyfriend and girlfriend but with no intimacy, you should tell her thanks but no thanks. While I'm looking for more than just sex, I am definitely going to be making that my objective tomorrow night. Just reading that quote makes me cringe. If that's what she's wanting, I'm going to kick rocks.
ChessPieceFace Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi, I'm new to the forum, so I thought I would just give a little backstory on myself before I presented my situation. I'm 25, and for a large majority of my life (until around 5 months into my 23rd year) I was rather obese, as in weight being in the 475 range. I spent basically all of that time playing online video games watching life and people and experiences pass me by. I'm 35 and game a lot, and don't have much of a "life." I don't really understand what these amazing experiences are that I'm supposed to be missing out on. Getting hitched and then divorced, the american dream? Getting used for money? What? Friends? I could have more friends but it would just be to do similar things, and honestly I'd usually rather be alone than with someone. Introversion is seen as a crime by our society, it really isn't. I have no advice for your pseudo-dating situation. Heh.
Author Wham_J Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I'm 35 and game a lot, and don't have much of a "life." I don't really understand what these amazing experiences are that I'm supposed to be missing out on. Getting hitched and then divorced, the american dream? Getting used for money? What? Friends? I could have more friends but it would just be to do similar things, and honestly I'd usually rather be alone than with someone. Introversion is seen as a crime by our society, it really isn't. You sound very cynical. You are assuming we are the same person. The more I distanced myself from video games, the more I realized I hated them. I haven't touched a game in just over a year and a month and that has been the happiest time of my life. I'm not introverted, I just forced myself into it out of hate and shame of what I had done to myself over the years. I feel like If you get used for money, that is your own fault. I've never had a problem telling someone no, or distancing myself from the wrong people.
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I would go to her house and have dinner, and during dinner or afterward, be direct and tell her you are interested in dating her/relationship. If she gives you the "you're a really great guy, but I don't know if I am ready for a relationship/dating you right now" line, that is your cue to thank her for dinner and leave. You did make a move on her and she is pulling away. I think she enjoys the company but wasn't interested enough to go to a sexual/romantic level with you, but having you stay over night and sleep in her bed (although with no sex) keeps you around for those nights when she is lonely and needs a friend. It's not fair to you because you stick around hoping it will lead to more (and she knows this very well.) I know it will be hard to get up and leave, but be strong, and stick to it. Then don't contact her for a while. The only way you should see her again is if she is in it for dating/relationship and all that goes with that. That doesn't mean you have to have sex right away, but hand-holding, making out, etc. which will eventually lead to intimacy. Maybe she will actually say "yes" at dinner to your offer of dating/relationship, but she has to follow through with true signs of affection - holding hands at least and kissing you passionately at the very least. Be strong and don't be taken for a Friendzone ride!
ChessPieceFace Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 You sound very cynical. Yep. Partly because I'm pessimistic, partly because I've seen so many failed relationships, and partly because I don't live in idealistic notions of how things are. There are good women out there but you have to work super hard to find them. Western society and the "liberation" of women... well I'm tired of ranting about that subject, figure it out. You are assuming we are the same person. No, just assuming there were things in common. I was never as large as you. Kudos BTW on losing that much weight, that seems herculean. Although, 275 still seems really large (275 is heavier than I have ever been...) The more I distanced myself from video games, the more I realized I hated them. I haven't touched a game in just over a year and a month and that has been the happiest time of my life. Really? What have you been doing instead of gaming? I've been gaming since childhood and couldn't really give it up. Well, the only time I gave it up was when I was playing CCG's instead. They sort of filled the same "pleasure" role for my brain. For me, most things seem boring compared to really deep video games. I do like table gaming with friends, any kinds of games really. If I'm at a movie or just "hanging out" or something, that is usually pretty boring to me. I always need to be doing something that occupies my mind. Most things I watch aren't nearly enough to engage my mind -- I will schedule meals to coincide with watching something, just to have enough stimulation happening. Maybe some people occupy their minds with conversation in some situations. Most conversation bores me terribly also. I'm overstating my case, it's not like I don't ever do anything "normal", but still, OFTEN times I get bored in those situations. I'm not introverted, I just forced myself into it out of hate and shame of what I had done to myself over the years. K. Interesting. We really are not alike then. I've been quite introverted my whole life as far as I can remember. I feel like If you get used for money, that is your own fault. I've never had a problem telling someone no, or distancing myself from the wrong people. Happens all the time though. If you have a good radar to detect shallow women, then good for you. I seem to be a bad judge of character unfortunately.
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