Breaking up with the same person for the second time.

[gluttonForPunishment]

About a year and a half ago I came to this site when I was getting divorced and it helped me a lot. I used a different handle this time as I want to make sure my posts here remain anonymous. My story is this..... and believe me when I say I have sure been a wuss.

 

First, a year and a half ago my wife left me for another man that she knew from Junior high, that she reunited with on Facebook. We had been married for a lot of years and had four kids together. Within five months of leaving me she married this other man. (after he divorced his wife) I forgot to mention that she was diagnosed as bi-polar only 6 months before this and was put on some pretty strange medication, which seemed to cause her to go into manic episodes, which included hyper-sexual episodes.

 

Over the next 6 months she tried to kill herself multiple times ending up in intensive care twice. The man she married was mentally abusive to her and to my kids. He caused a lot of strife for me. In November of last year she called me for help, she wanted to bring the two kids she had, (I had custody of the other two already) and put herself into a hospital. She did and the kids and I visited her every day while she was there. When she got out she went back to the other guy. Of course again it didn't workout and I was stupid enough to let her come back.

 

She did this a couple of more times, going on and off the meds and whenever she went on the meds she would go nuts and go back to him. Eventually about 4 months ago she got completely off of them and it seemed like everything was getting better. We had no plans to get married, but it definitely seemed like we had turned a corner and were going to work to be together and raise our kids together. 16 days ago she took the abilify again. A week later she left me and all four kids. She didn't go back to this man again, but I think only because he would not take her. She called her first husband to flirt with him, and I know this because he is my friend and he told me.

 

She complains about having no money and that she cannot come visit the kids much because of it. She doesn't realize but I know she is going out to clubs, because she accidentally pocket called me at 1am Saturday night while she was out. The music was blaring and you could hear her laughing and carrying on with people. My kids knew this. The next morning she was telling them sorry for not calling them and telling them goodnight, but she was sick and went to bed early.

 

She implies she needs help with money even though she is about to get a very large check from Social Security because she has been declared disabled because of being bi-poloar. She will also get a monthly payment from them, along with the child support she gets from her first husband even though I have those kids as well. (I don't want or need that money by the way) I just think it's awful that she takes money intended for them.

 

After all of this, I find myself quite depressed. I don't know what it is. Let me say I do love her. I always will. She used to be an incredible person. She used to be strong and loving. Now she is selfish and un-motivated to do anything. I don't know why I am so upset. I got very upset and jealous when I heard her in the club. I can't stop picturing her with someone else and it bothers me.

 

I don't know if it is because I feel rejected or what. I don't see how I could really want this person back after what she has done to me and the kids over the last 2 years. I guess I feel like there is something wrong with me, because of all of this. Am I not as good looking as I think I am. haha

 

There is so much that she has done. From sending and receiving naked pics of other men, to kicking my youngest son out of her house because the guy she was with didn't like him. (he was only 11 when this happened)

 

I know she is horrible person. I know I can't ever let her come back again, so why does this bother me so?

 

I guess I feel like I don't know where to go from here. Where to meet someone else? How to meet someone else? How I could ever trust another woman.

 

It's weird cuz last year I knew I wasn't ready to move on. I knew I needed more closure. I have that closure now. I know she will never change, but for some reason I am still a bit depressed. I am ready to move on now. I know that. Now the next question is HOW?

 

Any advice is appreciated. Please, I know I was a pushover the last year by letting her constantly return. Hell, I know she will eventually try to come back again. Well, there is at least a 60/40 chance she will. I will be stronger this time. Just don't bash me for being a pushover. I know I am. I am a bit of a romantic and a very emotional guy even though I don't look like I am.

 

Thanks in advance!

[immitable]

She sounds like she has some issues, like she needs to get things out of her system. Did she have controlling parents growing up?

[gluttonForPunishment]

She sounds like she has some issues, like she needs to get things out of her system. Did she have controlling parents growing up?

 

Actually quite the opposite. Her parents let her do whatever she wanted. She ended up pregnant at 16. Had her third child by 19. I know a lot of this is that she really never got to experience a lot of things that normal teenagers and twenty year-olds get to do. But it doesn't excuse her behavior. Being bi-polar doesn't excuse it either. Because she knows what she is doing is wrong or she wouldn't lie about it. Every time she has come back she has been so apologetic, says she knows what she did and how embarrassed that she is for doing these things. But, it was her choice to take that medicine again, because she likes the feeling it gives her. If she cared at all for me she wouldn't keep doing this. I have told her repeatedly that she can stay with us and her and I not have a relationship. That we can just raise our kids together, but she always comes and says "No, I love you. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you." And, I fall for it every time. Totally my fault because I am the one that believes it. My oldest son, who is 16 told me yesterday that he is not upset she left. He said the only thing that bothers him is that he can see how it hurts me every time that she does it, and that he hopes she will stop coming back for that reason. I must say I do have the greatest kids in the world and they have kept me going through this. I just pray to god I find someone else before she tries to come back again or I am at least strong enough to say no this time. I have started making a list of all the things that she has done to me and the kids, so I can look at it when she comes to apologize and hopefully remember that no matter how much she says she is sorry and how much she cries, that I don't believe her this time.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[immitable]

she has her issues then, looks like she is breaking out of the shell stage and entering rebellion stage. Just let her be, she needs to do that for herself in order to grow.

 

Shell stage: especially pre teenage years, we are obedient to our parents etc.

 

rebellion stage: doing everything opposite, just because she hasn't had that chance since she had a child at 16

[gluttonForPunishment]

she has her issues then, looks like she is breaking out of the shell stage and entering rebellion stage. Just let her be, she needs to do that for herself in order to grow.

 

Shell stage: especially pre teenage years, we are obedient to our parents etc.

 

rebellion stage: doing everything opposite, just because she hasn't had that chance since she had a child at 16

 

Believe me I want to leave her alone. I wish I could go complete NC with her. I need to heal and move on, but having four kids is making it really difficult. I cannot wait until 5 years from now, when my youngest is 18 and I never have to speak with her or answer another text or email. I am trying to have as little contact with her now as possible, but she is always contacting me for some stupid reason. I am sure it is to try to keep me hanging on, so that when stuff comes crashing down around her again that she will have a place to run to, but not this time. I won't let her back again. If I do, then I really am a wuss.

[immitable]

I mean that it is very important, if you care about her that is, to understand what stage she is in.

There are ways to deal succesfully with a person going through rebellion stage.

[gluttonForPunishment]

I mean that it is very important, if you care about her that is, to understand what stage she is in.

There are ways to deal succesfully with a person going through rebellion stage.

 

She has hurt me too much. If she has been going through a rebellion stage then it has been lasting for 2 years now. For the last several months she has done nothing. I work, do the shopping, the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning; I do everything.

 

All she wants is to sit at home during the day and play facebook games, collect SSI and Child support and then hit the clubs at night.(she hasn't been hitting the clubs til she left last week) I have let her do this because I love her. I have let her do it because I want her to be happy and to not have any stress cause I love her. But, honestly I can't do it anymore.

 

I want her back more than anything. And, I DON'T want her back more than anything. She will never love me like she used to and I know that. I have to find a way to let her go. NC is what I need!! How can I do that with kids. Someone please help me with that.

 

I have so much love to share with someone or not. I can be with someone or I can be alone. I am comfortable with myself. I have just loved her for so long and for so much that it is making it very hard to break away. And it really sucks to have to see her, and also know that one day I am gonna get the crying phone call about how sorry she is. That she was manic and couldn't control what she was doing. God, please don't let me fall for that again. That is why I need NC. So, I don't have to ever worry about that happening. My kids are my biggest blessing, but with her they are my biggest curse because they have bound her to me for now.

[brazilian]

I am so sorry you have to go through this

You sound like a wonderful man

I hope I find someone like you