medavoym Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Wife's just had a second fling with co-worker. She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to break up with me. Should I forgive her? Here's the story: We've been together 12 years now, married for 7 years. Everything was extremely fine in the first 8 years - we had a wonderful, very close relationship, in which we truly felt like the other one's half. However, 4 years ago, she suddenly felt in love with a co-worker. She started by saying they are just friends, but eventually admitted to having feelings for him. We talked and decided to stay together, but quickly (within one week) I found out they are still talking/seeing each other. We had again a serious talk, this time she became nuts. She even begged me to let her sleep with this guy, of course I said no. She became very mean towards me, she even started to insult me. In the meantime, I had a talk with the other guy as well. He denied having any feelings for her, promised solemnly that he will stay away. He was in fact seeing other women at the same time - my wife found out about it and seemed to come a bit to her senses, realizing it might not be the great love she sort of expected it to be. Slowly, slowly, working hard, we fought back for our relationship and seemed to regain our trust back. By the way, no sex has happened between them and I'm almost sure it was true - one of the reasons I decided to take her back. The next 4 years seemed fine - it felt very much like we love each other. We seemed to have gotten over this major bump in our marriage. A few weeks ago, everything collapsed around me. It turns out my wife wrote him 7 months ago - a goodbye letter since she was changing jobs. He replied back and slowly they started seeing each other again. My wife felt in love again - she says he seduced her with nice words etc. Moreover, they started having sex this time. They slept around 30 times in the last 6 months. They had oral sex together (both ways), they always had unprotected sex, and my wife always finished him in her mouth. She also confessed to having an orgasm every time he went down on her, and once a vaginal orgasm. She mostly slept with him when I was away from home (short one-week job trips). In fact she stayed at his place almost every night I was away. A few times she even slept with him when I was home - she said she is at her job, but in fact she was at his place. She didn't confess anything (she said she didn't want to hurt me) - I found out everything when I started to become suspicious. When I confronted her with hard evidence (SMS texts, skype messages etc) she eventually confessed to everything. She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to end up the marriage. She says she is aware she did a horrible thing, she cries all day long and says she doesn't want to live without me. She also says she doesn't recognize herself in her actions, and is willing to find out why she did it and fix things up. She says sex is not the problem, as it was much better with me (she says the other guy is not so good). She did see the other guy and told him everything is over, she doesn't want to see him anymore. However, the problem is that after the emotional affair 4 years ago, I just can't take the same thing (plus sex!) all over again. The trust, as you can imagine, is pretty much gone. She says she didn't handle the situation properly 4 years ago, but now she learned her lesson and will only do the right thing. I don't know whether to give her another chance or not - I am more inclined to a definitive separation, because of the long-term affair (6-7 months) and all the planning, lying etc that she had to employ to keep the other relationship ongoing. What do you think? Thanks!
2011aug Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 ... She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to end up the marriage. She says she is aware she did a horrible thing, she cries all day long and says she doesn't want to live without me. She also says she doesn't recognize herself in her actions, and is willing to find out why she did it and fix things up. She says sex is not the problem, as it was much better with me (she says the other guy is not so good). She did see the other guy and told him everything is over, she doesn't want to see him anymore. However, the problem is that after the emotional affair 4 years ago, I just can't take the same thing (plus sex!) all over again. The trust, as you can imagine, is pretty much gone. She says she didn't handle the situation properly 4 years ago, but now she learned her lesson and will only do the right thing. I don't know whether to give her another chance or not - I am more inclined to a definitive separation, because of the long-term affair (6-7 months) and all the planning, lying etc that she had to employ to keep the other relationship ongoing. What do you think? Thanks! Interesting way to show love. She's a repeat offender. Unfaithfulness is within her. She'll have less guilt in the next affair. No matter what she does or say now, the OM will always be in her heart and mind. If you let her get away with the affairs this time, she'll have no respect for you and will offend again.
nofool4u Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 What do you think? Thanks! I think you need to file for divorce and ask her, since she is the cheater, to be the one to pack her bags and leave.
CarrieT Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I think you need to file for divorce and ask her, since she is the cheater, to be the one to pack her bags and leave. Concur. And the best of luck to you.
Afishwithabike Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Why would you give her another chance? When do you plan to draw a line in the sand and say "This is IT!" When she has her 4th affair? The 5th affair? There's a poster here who says, once a cheater not always a cheater, but twice a cheater always a cheater. Think about that.
Bryanp Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 She is playing you for a total fool. If the roles were reversed what do you think she would be doing? She thinks you are a fool and that you will always forgive her. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Get tested for STD's and see a good lawyer. You would have to be masochistic to stay in this marriage.
Bryanp Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 One other thing. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend you need to expose this to them right away. If you do not then you are sending a message to him and your wife that there are simply no consequences to their actions.
ShatteredReality Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I would say don't make any rash decisions. I mean...don't leave her because the people on here tell you to...don't stay because anybody on here tells you to either. Insist she goes to counselling, don't sleep with her unless you've both been tested for STDs...those two things - do regardless of whether you stay with her or not. But mostly - don't make any split second decisions regarding anything right now - you need to cope first with this trauma. If she truly wants to work on things, she'll accept you needing a holding period to make a decision like this and respect your needs...she should also be appropriately repentant and apologetic now and for some time to come. If you find you cannot move past this - then you'll need to leave. At some point you'll have to choose to forgive and move forward or no forgive and walk away. Finding out why she cheated would be valuable here. Since it's with the same man it seems a little different than if it had been with different men. If you do leave her, when she goes to IC (which she needs to do either way) you should ask to be able to come along to better understand her behavior to at least one or two sessions after some time. This may help you work through some of the extreme pain you must be feeling right now. There are a lot of really good sites and books on this subject - people whose marriages have survived worse and people who have divorced over less. I truly hope the best for you...and I'm sorry you're even put in the position to have to be thinking about these things or making these decisions.
jnj express Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Even worse than the sex---is the deceitful planning, the manipulating, the lies Look at this from her side, if you bounce her---she is out on her own, single, divorced, with the label of cheater----decent men arn't out there---her life will be crap from now on----if that's why she wants to stay, she needs to go----as to her loving you, and staying for that reason---how does she prove that---after she has just destroyed your life for the 2nd time Every time you look at her---you will trigger Takes 2 to 5 yrs to reconcile, from a mild A.---she had a multiple sex, doing all kinds of things, with total disrespect to you, Affair-- How do YOU get over that-----she needs to go---you need to start over with a new life.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 she didn't handle the situation properly 4 years ago Clearly she isn't the only one... I don't think this counts under traditional "things you have in common"
light2 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 sometimes i wonder if these type of posts are true. Do you really need to go on a forum for answers to these things? maybe I have never married to understand you, but I just don't see any way to repair this.
Steen719 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Moreover, they started having sex this time. They slept around 30 times in the last 6 months. They had oral sex together (both ways), they always had unprotected sex, and my wife always finished him in her mouth. She also confessed to having an orgasm every time he went down on her, and once a vaginal orgasm. This does not sound like the other guy isn't too good. My experience was the opposite way; PA first and EA 14 years later (with different OW), although he has talked to her, also. Aside from anything else, my issue would be that for 4 years, she must have harbored feelings for him and then acted on them. The reason it stopped was not because it ran it's course; it stopped because you found out. Her ability to deceive you once again is, IMHO, an indicator of what she is really like. It doesn't sound like you have children (I could be wrong...but she stays with him while you are gone and this made me think so) and if that is true, that is one thing that makes it easier to leave, or ask her to leave. I know there will be some people who do not agree and that is alright. I realize my opinion is colored by going through it twice with the same spouse, but I believe a tiger's stripes are his for life. I know it hurts, believe me, I do. I don't see how you could trust her again.
Afishwithabike Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 sometimes i wonder if these type of posts are true. Do you really need to go on a forum for answers to these things? maybe I have never married to understand you, but I just don't see any way to repair this. Same thought occured to me. This could be a troll just posting this to get a reaction from people. Hopefully, he is a troll because otherwise he's doing a great job of impersonating a door mat that his wife walks all over.
Osiris1234 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to end up the marriage. She says she is aware she did a horrible thing, she cries all day long and says she doesn't want to live without me. She also says she doesn't recognize herself in her actions, and is willing to find out why she did it and fix things up. She says sex is not the problem, as it was much better with me (she says the other guy is not so good). She did see the other guy and told him everything is over, she doesn't want to see him anymore. The crying is just to get you to forgive her and her saying he wasn't any better then you in bed was a lie to spare your ego.
tamara99 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi, I am your wife. Your cheating wife. Thank you for sharing these posts with me, it is good to see what people think about me. Although it is sad that I entered a category of people despised by others. I despise myself, as you well know it. I hurt you and I am very very sorry. We had a wonderful love together and I feel so stupid to have destroyed it so. I tried to convince you in all ways that I still am the right one for you, that I love you much and that we should work on recovering from my horrible deed. Or let me put all my energy in fixing things. I honestly don't think about the "OM" anymore and don't want to ever have anything to do with him or some other guy. But you say you no longer love and respect me and you say you want to start a new life without me. And responders to your post advise you to have exactly this attitude. It scares me to think that you and they are right. I do believe I can still be an exception from the rule and never betray you again. But I surely don't want to make you unhappy and don't want to destroy your life. Do what you think is best for you. Love you
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Tamara, what makes you think that you deserve another chance? Saying the words is one thing, but what are you going to do to change? Actions speak louder than words. Do you plan on going to counselling? by yourself for a long while to fix yourself and find out why (not once, but twice) you cheated on your husband? Put yourself in HIS shoes here. You turned his life upside down. His love, faith, and trust in you is gone..By your own doing. No one here can push him into a decision, he will do that all on his own! Just like you choosing to cheat on him..No one forced you or convinced you to do so, right? Allow him the time to absorb what's happened and talk about it, to read and ask questions.. He has the right to make an informed decision on a public forum! While you're here, take a read in the infidelity section to read about MORE pain that cheating spouses cause their husbands/wives and families. I know you feel bad for what you've done, but it's hard to understand why you'd do this to him two times.. Once is forgiveable and possibly a marriage can be saved, it's much harder to fix things when it's happened twice. how can you trust you? Trust your words? Just because you say "I do believe I can still be an exception from the rule and never betray you again. " how can he believe that? How can YOU believe that? What if in 2 or 4 years from now it happens again? How do you plan on affair proofing yourself, your marriage and setting boundries/rules up when it comes to men, married or otherwise? If he chooses to give you 'another' chance, you need to counselling on your own and when the time is right, with him. Use the same marriage counsellor for both.
bigmomma1974 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Finding out ones partner has had an affair is tough. the tougher part is deciding whether to work on fixing the relationship or walking away. I really cant say what I would do if i was ever faced with this decision. I do know that there is alot of pain involved, all trust is lost and most definetly alot of cofusion. A seperation would probably be the best thing for both of you at this time, so you both can work through the pain. THerphy will help. Marriage counsoing if you choose to stay together after a trial seperation or while your seperated. I think seeing each other day after day while the pain is still raw would make things harder thats why i say a seperation may be the best thing. Tamara you say you love your husband? how can one love someone and then betray them? Why would you want to put anyone through unneeded pain? Life can be painful enough without adding more pain. If you had a great marriage and the sex was amazing with hubby, then why stray? I just do not get while people do this. What ever happens with the both of you best of luck/.
speedster Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) Please do yourself a favor and lawyer up, file for divorce. she's a high-drama person and you could end up in real danger. i did. you really must protect yourself. i know it sounds extreme, but i promise you it's prudent. tamara, you know why you did it... you wanted to. and you knew it was going to crush him. Edited September 21, 2011 by speedster
Afishwithabike Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi, I am your wife. Your cheating wife. Thank you for sharing these posts with me, it is good to see what people think about me. Although it is sad that I entered a category of people despised by others. I despise myself, as you well know it. I hurt you and I am very very sorry. We had a wonderful love together and I feel so stupid to have destroyed it so. I tried to convince you in all ways that I still am the right one for you, that I love you much and that we should work on recovering from my horrible deed. Or let me put all my energy in fixing things. I honestly don't think about the "OM" anymore and don't want to ever have anything to do with him or some other guy. But you say you no longer love and respect me and you say you want to start a new life without me. And responders to your post advise you to have exactly this attitude. It scares me to think that you and they are right. I do believe I can still be an exception from the rule and never betray you again. But I surely don't want to make you unhappy and don't want to destroy your life. Do what you think is best for you. Love you Please stop the BS. You chose to have these affairs. You made hundreds of decisions to lie and hide this from your husband. You didn't confess it to him. He caught you. That alone speaks to your deception. You don't have two affairs, sleep 30 times or more with another man, do all kinds of sexual things with another man, and then profess great love for your husband. You also put your husband's life at risk for serious sexually transmitted diseases when you had unprotected sex with another man so many times. Don't put a guilt trip on your husband right now. His feelings are very justified. He has every right to leave you and start a new life. Your two affairs gave him a "get out of this marriage" card. If he wants to use that card, why not?
keepsmilin74 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 tamara, let him go, you are not good for him.
rafallus Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi, I am your wife. Your cheating wife. Thank you for sharing these posts with me, it is good to see what people think about me. Although it is sad that I entered a category of people despised by others. I despise myself, as you well know it. I hurt you and I am very very sorry. We had a wonderful love together and I feel so stupid to have destroyed it so. I tried to convince you in all ways that I still am the right one for you, that I love you much and that we should work on recovering from my horrible deed. Or let me put all my energy in fixing things. I honestly don't think about the "OM" anymore and don't want to ever have anything to do with him or some other guy. But you say you no longer love and respect me and you say you want to start a new life without me. And responders to your post advise you to have exactly this attitude. It scares me to think that you and they are right. I do believe I can still be an exception from the rule and never betray you again. But I surely don't want to make you unhappy and don't want to destroy your life. Do what you think is best for you. Love you Troll attack!
drifter777 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Troll attack! Yes, and actually easily detected. Please end this thread now.
nofool4u Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Why would you give her another chance? and actually this would be a 3rd chance. the 2nd chance has already been used up
nofool4u Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I tried to convince you in all ways that I still am the right one for you how many men do you feel thinks that a wife that has sex with another man is right for them? that I love you much and that we should work on recovering from my horrible deed. easy for you to say. your husband is the one that has to deal now with the visions in his head of you pleasuring yourself with another man. Or let me put all my energy in fixing things. I honestly don't think about the "OM" anymore and don't want to ever have anything to do with him or some other guy. well, bullcrap. But in any case, if you are still working with the other man, then there is no sense in even talking about fixing anything. But you say you no longer love and respect me and you say you want to start a new life without me. And responders to your post advise you to have exactly this attitude. It scares me to think that you and they are right. I do believe I can still be an exception from the rule and never betray you again. problem is, even if you do make good on that and never betray him again, you are still someone that would love to bang another guy, you just won't because of what you stand to lose. Your H now knows you as a woman that salivates over the prospect of having sex with another man. everyone has a fantasy, but the difference here is you got to play yours out and gratify yourself. If you think that is something he will just forget about, think again. Even if you 2 do stay together, he will relive what you did in his mind pretty much til the day he dies. Only way to alleviate the pain associated with those visions is to leave behind the person that caused those visions.
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