dreamcity Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Finally managed to communicate with my ignoring-me ex. His ignoring me was hurting me more than the break-up, I think. Anyway, after sending out a fairly cool email on a practical issue, we had a skype conversation which was, thankfully, normal. Talked about normal things, exchanged a few funny links, wished each other a good weekend, and agreed we would see each other the weekend after when he's in town. So hopefully we're on the road to the the friendship this forum has been depressing me into believing wasn't possible...
Mack05 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) We dont agree on much dream it seems hahah. I think friendship is a no no straight after a relationship. Most times it just doesn't work.. Susan J Elliott in the book Getting Past your breakup says.. "Why can't we be friends?. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.." I happen to agree, but you very different to me it seems. Best of luck either way Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05
geegirl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Finally managed to communicate with my ignoring-me ex. His ignoring me was hurting me more than the break-up, I think. Anyway, after sending out a fairly cool email on a practical issue, we had a skype conversation which was, thankfully, normal. Talked about normal things, exchanged a few funny links, wished each other a good weekend, and agreed we would see each other the weekend after when he's in town. So hopefully we're on the road to the the friendship this forum has been depressing me into believing wasn't possible... Friendship is a hard place to get to when you were once/still are emotionally attached to your partner. The fact that you are hurt that he was ignoring you is a huge sign that you are not ready. Using "friendship" as a bandaid to mask the discomfort and hurt you are feeling is your choice. If you were indifferent, his ignoring you would not mean a thing. You'd just talk when you talk. You would not be hurt. You'd be indifferent. A friendship can only stem when you can be surely indifferent if you heard the big ones like 1) he's on date 2) he is having sex with someone 3) he has a girlfriend..those are the few gut wrenching ones. If you can let that roll of your back, and be happy for him. Great. If not, "friendship" is just a way to avoid letting go. Just my two cents. I am sure you have thought this through and know your capabilities. Good luck.
Author dreamcity Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 @Mack05: I actually agree to an extent! ; D I think the differentiating factor in our case is that we live in different countries. Our interaction will certainly be limited, but that's partly why I want to be friends. It would be so easy to lose track of one another all together. @GeeGirl: But why would I want to be indifferent about a friend? I agree that I'm not 100% "healed" but I am prosaic and an adult. I know he'll go on dates and have sex... may well have done so already, since we've been split for over a month. His having a girlfriend would hurt me, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I do know he isn't wanting a girlfriend but "adventures" at the moment, so who knows, I may even be the first. I'm not counting on this guy; our relationship was deeply flawed from the get-go, but we also were each other's near sole-companions in years spent abroad and he has supported me economically and emotionally and really given me a lot of confidence over the years, so yes, I was hurt to think that he no longer cared. Doesn't mean I was to rekindle our romantic relationship however.
gluttonForPunishment Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 It is definitely possible to be friends with an ex...The hard thing about it is that one person usually still has feeling for another...But as long as you two are okay with being friends then all the power to you! Exactly this!!!
geegirl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Indifferent in terms of feeling no emotional attachment. Indifferent does not mean hate or dislike. The opposite of love is indifference. When I say you feel indifferent that he does not reach out to you, means it does not bother you "emotionally" as if a friend was late or wasn't responding to you, it wouldn't "hurt" you the way it hurts you when an ex does it to you. It's easy to say now that you won't care if he is having sex, but it will hurt when it's in your face, not literally. Why even cross that bridge (if he has a girlfriend) when you don't have to. If he is a true friend, you'd get yourself healed completely and rekindle a friendship based on platonic feelings from "both" sides versus "waiting to see". If he is a true friend and wants to be one to you, he will wait for you to get there. He's not going anywhere. So why not give yourself a chance to completely heal, spare yourself potential pain and get to a better place and in time be able to rekindle and enjoy a truly healthy, real friendship. Edited September 20, 2011 by geegirl
Author dreamcity Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 GeeGirl you certainly seem to have it thought through, and I will not hold it against you if you are writing "I told you so" next month as I pour out my wounded heart here. : ) You know, though, I have exes from years ago I'm still not sure I'm entirely indifferent to (some I am). I see that these guys have girlfriends and a part of me sighs and facebook stalks them a bit, though I've been in love with others since them. I do think the heart is capable of more subtlety and shades of love than you're giving it credit for. I miss my ex, but I think my ego is the main party hurt here (and my bank account, yikes). I do know that the fact we were able to have a normal conversation (and one that I eventually got bored of and cut off) has left me much calmer than I've been for days, and I actually ate dinner tonight. Amazing!
geegirl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) I do think the heart is capable of more subtlety and shades of love than you're giving it credit for. I miss my ex, but I think my ego is the main party hurt here (and my bank account, yikes). I do know that the fact we were able to have a normal conversation (and one that I eventually got bored of and cut off) has left me much calmer than I've been for days, and I actually ate dinner tonight. Amazing! Yes, the heart is capable of subtlety and shades of love, but all in the right context and not at the expense of hurt. I don't deny that one bit. I'm glad you are doing well and for one minute don't you ever think that I'll be here saying "i told you so" because matters of the heart are not black and white. I'm glad you are eating! It took me a week to get there. Lost a few pounds and gained it all back! Edited September 20, 2011 by geegirl
Author dreamcity Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Yeah, I think my biggest self-delusion is the thought that I'm going to stay this thin when the road to recovery starts including croissants again! Thanks everyone for the support/words of caution. : )
hopeful4someday Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Friendship is a hard place to get to when you were once/still are emotionally attached to your partner. The fact that you are hurt that he was ignoring you is a huge sign that you are not ready. Using "friendship" as a bandaid to mask the discomfort and hurt you are feeling is your choice. If you were indifferent, his ignoring you would not mean a thing. You'd just talk when you talk. You would not be hurt. You'd be indifferent. A friendship can only stem when you can be surely indifferent if you heard the big ones like 1) he's on date 2) he is having sex with someone 3) he has a girlfriend..those are the few gut wrenching ones. If you can let that roll of your back, and be happy for him. Great. If not, "friendship" is just a way to avoid letting go. Just my two cents. I am sure you have thought this through and know your capabilities. Good luck. That seems so weird to me... I also feel more miserable not talking to my ex than talking to him. I'm fine with him dating/sleeping with someone/having a relationship with someone... but it kills me to think that we won't ever talk about dumb stuff again. It just seems to me like breaking up romantically AND losing a good friend is like having someone you care about die and I don't even really see the reason for it.
geegirl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) That seems so weird to me... I also feel more miserable not talking to my ex than talking to him. I'm fine with him dating/sleeping with someone/having a relationship with someone... but it kills me to think that we won't ever talk about dumb stuff again. It just seems to me like breaking up romantically AND losing a good friend is like having someone you care about die and I don't even really see the reason for it. Well, if you don't care that he is dating or sleeping with someone or even having a relationship, then by all means be friends with him. My comment was noting that if you are using "friendship" as a guise to stay connected WHEN you are STILL emotionally attached, then chances are you are going to get hurt and you are doing it for all the wrong reasons. It's most likely a fear to let go. Breaking up romantically and losing that person is akin to a death. It is a death. It is a loss to your life. That is why you grieve. There is no denying that. Once it's ended, you have to give yourself time and space to heal and grieve that loss and detach emotionally so that you can come out to the other side stronger and wiser and ready to move on and be open again emotionally and mentally to other opportunities. Your emotional health is your priority. Just because you still love and care for someone after a breakup does not mean you neglect yourself from completely recovering emotionally and moving forward, just because are afraid to lose them. It's a break up. It's ended. It hurts to let go of the memories and good times. It's normal to feel that way. If after you've healed, and there is a need to rekindle a friendship, then by all means. Two people with no emotional attachment will be able to now enjoy the true benefits of a friendship. If you are emotionally strong to have him in your life as a friend and not be phased by him moving on, then you're steps ahead. Good for you! My comment is mainly for someone who still has an emotional attachment to an ex and wanting to be friends with possibility of being hurt due to the ex moving on. Edited September 21, 2011 by geegirl
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