guys that have been burned and have a hard time getting into another relationship

[dlb311]

OKay I have posted and posted. First it was the break up of a boyfriend of two years then we got back together now I'm afficially over it! I met this guy I am talking to now about 5 to 6 months ago. We start to really date about a month and a half ago. Before we just really talked alot. And I went and saw him once in a while. I see him at least twice a week now.

 

Ok! here is the deal. he broke up with his ex about a year ago. It was very hard for him. It made him very bitter. So it took awhile for him to warm up and let me in. The past two weeks when we see each other he is so sweet and affectionet towards me. He tells me he likes me and sometimes he would mention relationship. I wasn't sure how I felt about that until he brought it up. Then I started to think about it. umm... I wonder could this be something I would want to get into? I guess I should think about it since I am sleeping with him. I felt that its to soon. that I wanted to still spend time with him and get to know him and as our feelings grow for each other I am sure the relationship thing would just go in place. But he couldn't stop bring it up. He would say he wants one or we should move to the next level and then I would try to discuss it with him and he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about or he would say ya I am just not sure. I was like what the heck!!!!!......I wanted to shoot myself. I was so fustrated. As time has gone by I have gotten to really know him better. I am sure there is alot more to him but I think of him very differently then I did three months ago. And the more I talk to him and spend time with him the more I find myself liking him. So things were going so well.

 

Then last week I went out to see him and he had some friends over so we all went and got food. One of his friends was in contact with his ex for the first time in a long time. She told the guy I am seeing all about it. which brought up old memories and feelings. he started to get a little weird...and uneasy....

he then sat me down that night and talked to me about us. He said that he has never met a girl like me and that I am very special and I have a place in his heart already. That I am just what he would want in a girlfriend. And at times he thinks ya this is what I want I know she will make me so happy. Then he remembers how he got burned and doesn't know if he wants to take that chance. He said it would hurt him more to not to talk to me again then it would hurt me. So we decided to just let things be and see where they go. Then Friday he got a call from his friend saying that the ex is getting married. He didn't ask to see me and barely talked to me all weekend. I felt something like that was up but wasn't sure.

Then he calls me yesterday and tells me that she is getting married and just needed a weekend to let it go. He wasn't sure how he should feel. But he said he was fine with it all and it was good. He seemed to be happy. but still a little distant from me. I am going out to see him in a couple days and he asked if I would want to have sex? I thought that was odd but at least he was thinking of me in that way. He said everything was fine. But he didn't call me last night he texted me a couple times but not really and that is a change from the past couple of weeks. Then this morning I texted him good morning and he wrote back hi. And I haven't heard from him all day. Its just really weird. and I am worried. I don't want to get hurt just as much as he doesn't. But I have already invested my emotions in this so no matter what if this ends I will be hurt.

Sometimes I feel I need to just walk away and sometimes I think I have to show him that not all girls are like that.. and I know he likes me. so I try to be patient.

 

Has anyone dealt with a guy like this and if so what was the outcome....?

[moimeme]

You will have to understand that, having been burned recently, it'll take him some time to trust again. And he may even test you. If he's worth it, you'll stick it out.

[clia]

Has anyone dealt with a guy like this and if so what was the outcome....?

 

It was a commitmentphobic waste of my time.

 

Move on and find someone remotely healthy.

[LILUIL]

yup, my story is similar..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38458/

 

as for me i'm gritting my teeth and giving my bf time. I'm trying hard to stick to the "dont call him" thingy but it's so hard.....

 

sigh!

[moimeme]

It can be difficult, because he'll have his radar turned up to 'high' for signs that you may be one of the sorts of women who did whatever to him. So no matter how wonderful you may be to him, you'll have to be very careful to not put so much as a foot wrong, because his radar will pick it up, sound all the alarms, and before you know it, he'll be thinking that you're like all the 'rest of them', even if that's totally undeserved. So you may not only have to be better than the bad ones, but you may have to be MUCH MUCH MUCH better.

 

It can be very hard to take, but I have known people to get over their baggage. Some take longer than others is all.

[Dixiecron]

dlb311,

 

I second what moimeme has said. His radar is turned to the "high gain" setting, so he may get some false returns along with the real ones.

 

If you're already emotionally invested, and haven't gotten to the point where you're walking away or he is saying "I need space" then the only direction to go is: FORWARD

 

For what it is worth, I would suggest just getting him in a quiet place (maybe after sex - more on that in a bit) and just asking him about the things he's thought about during the few days alone. Maybe share some of the experiences you've gone through in the not-too-distant past to get him to open up a bit. Just something like "I've gotten burned like you have, and I'm willing to try again and open up to you". Just one thread can unwind the whole mess.

 

The thing about the sex request that grabs me is that he is maybe feeling vulnerable and rejected (with his ex getting married) and wants to feel like you truely accept him. Without getting into a long discussion, I will say that it is impossible for a guy to really love a woman if she won't sleep with him, so he wants that from you to know that someone -really- cares as opposed to just saying it.

[gd1039]

just out of curiosity, you have already been dating heavily for a month and a half right? Well why not just "officially" go out with him/enter a relationship? Obviously you like this guy and you are sleeping with him. If he decided tomorrow he never wanted to see you again would you be any less hurt than if you were actually in the relationship and tomorrow he decided he never wanted to see you again? I think not.

 

IMO at this point the relationship thing is just a title for the two of you. Are you seeing anyone else right now? Is he out dating other girls too? If not, congratualtion because I think you are already in a relationship and you just havent acknowledged it. If you met this guy 6 months ago and started going out once in a while then, and for the past month and a half you are going out more than once a week with him I think you are past the dating stage. I would consider everything before the lat month and a half casual dating and once you start going out as often as you are you might as well be in a relationship (unless like I said you are both going on dates with other people).

 

As for actual advice on what to do...I agree with moimeme that if you think he is worth it you should stick it out. It will pay off better in the end. If you aren't sure if he is worth it then take a step back and see how things go. Good luck

[dlb311]

I totally understand. I was going forward and letting him let his fears be. I was dealing with the insecurities. The 20 questions all day long. Because I knew he needed that safety. I need it to.

So Wednesday I went over there we had a good night. Things happened we woke up the next morning got breakfast. Then did a couple things around like 6:30 I went home he said he would call me and never did. Then the next day at work he imed me and was just being whatever. I knew he was pushing me away. After I told him no pressure he still pushed me away. Then he asked me if I would be upset if he dated other girls I said no because I told myself he doesn't really want a relationship with me. He is not calling at all He use to call and text me all day long. But then I recaped and said well I don't want you to but if you want to there isn't anything I can really do about it. He then said ya I know I said what would you say if I told you it would hurt me alot. He said I would tell you that you are having feelings you shouldn't be having. Because he doesn't want to hurt me. Then this weekend I never heard from him at all.

 

To day he imed me and asked me how my weekend was. He was down in myside of town this weekend We live about 30 miles away from each other and he didn't even call me. He didn't want to see me I guess. That so isn't cool at all. So I guess he wants this to be over. It hurts so bad. Because until this weekend with no word from him did I realize just how much I like him. Its stronger then like. I care so much about him and I missed him so much. I don't know what to do or say. Will anything change this. Do I have to move on now. His friend told my friend that, this is how he is...he loves em and leaves em...why did he say all that that I am so special to him. And just to turn around and let me go.

I think either he didn't really care at all and can let go very easliy to things or the fear got to much and he backed out. But whatever the case maybe I am hurt realy hurt I even cried. I have liked him since the day I met him. And I know he likes me too.

What can I do....? I am so confused and I know he is too. is there hope or does his fears over ride any feelings he has and I just need to walk away? I want to hold on but right now he isn't giving me anything to hold on to and I don't want to push him. I am just letting him have his space.

Help me please I need advice.....