Uneven libidos - the opposite of what seems to be usual

September 20, 2011

My libido is higher than my husbands and I am getting quite frustrated. It's been this way ever since we met about 15 years ago. We have gotten into a vicious cycle and I'm having trouble getting out of it.

Everything will be fine for a month or two or three. Then I'll get frustrated from being turned down once too often, so I shut myself off - turn off my sex drive. I leave him alone for a week or two, so we don't have any sex. Which frustrates me more. I get irritable and distant and he gets upset because he 'just wants to cuddle sometimes' and I hate 'just' cuddling all the time without making love so I turn my back on him. Which widens the gap. Etc etc.

A couple of years ago the gap was so wide we weren't really speaking to each other for weeks at a time and our marriage almost fell completely apart. Now it's a lot better, but the cycle is still there. He comes to me now when he wants to talk, instead of shutting himself off on the internet. Talking seems to not really get us anywhere though. It's still happening and I hate it.

Does any other woman have this particular problem? Anyone been able to deal successfully with it?

September 20, 2011

My libido is higher than my husbands and I am getting quite frustrated. It's been this way ever since we met about 15 years ago. We have gotten into a vicious cycle and I'm having trouble getting out of it.

Everything will be fine for a month or two or three. Then I'll get frustrated from being turned down once too often, so I shut myself off - turn off my sex drive. I leave him alone for a week or two, so we don't have any sex. Which frustrates me more. I get irritable and distant and he gets upset because he 'just wants to cuddle sometimes' and I hate 'just' cuddling all the time without making love so I turn my back on him. Which widens the gap. Etc etc.

A couple of years ago the gap was so wide we weren't really speaking to each other for weeks at a time and our marriage almost fell completely apart. Now it's a lot better, but the cycle is still there. He comes to me now when he wants to talk, instead of shutting himself off on the internet. Talking seems to not really get us anywhere though. It's still happening and I hate it.

Does any other woman have this particular problem? Anyone been able to deal successfully with it?

15 years is a long time. There surprisingly have been many women on here with that issue, but often I think their spouse's sexuality (ie. they are gay or have incredibly low testosterone or a porn addiction) was to blame as these were sexless relationships.

That said, if you want it 4X/wk and he wants it 1X/wk, that is a gap but not terrible or way out of line for both of you. If you want 2X's/wk and he is 1X/mth with you doing all the pursuing that is the common issue men have had. If you want it 1X/mth and he 1X/yr, you probably both have issues.

Is there physical issues, ie. meds or change in body (to be shallow). What about kids, work, money?

So what is it, and more detail so we can comment?

Edited September 20, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

September 20, 2011

As TDP said, it is difficult to comment without knowing the "how oftens".

Is he experiencing ED?

September 20, 2011

No ED. He would be happy with once every week or two, I could do it every day or two, although I am happy with 2-3 times a week. We're both larger than we were 15 years ago, not hugely but some. It wasn't any different when we weren't though - when we first started sleeping together he used to come and spend the night, I'd be rarin' to go and he'd say he just wanted to cuddle to sleep. Which was endearing then but it gets frustrating after a few years.

He is a recovering cyber/sex addict and hasn't indulged himself for over a year.

I don't 'pursue' him per se, but we don't make love unless he feels he has my permission, and it is up to me to show him that he HAS my permission. He never comes to bed and says "You make me horny, let's have at 'er". He'll come to bed and lay beside me looking at me while I read a book till I notice - he won't fondle me or try to kiss me while I am reading, he just waits. Then when I notice him he is very tentative - he has to gauge my mood and see if he thinks I want to or not. All the while talking about Libya or China or something completely irrelevant. Leaving it up to me to make the first move indicating what I want. Our marriage counselor says he 'manages' me. He allows me to have the final say all the time in it, which he thinks is respectful of me but it's too the point where I just don't WANT to have that responsibility.

It isn't a HUGE problem, we have a good relationship, especially in the last year and a half. This dark cloud just comes and hangs over us every few months.

September 20, 2011

He's not on any meds, I am on BP meds which are supposed to reduce libido Our kids are grown, two of three still at home, not really a factor. We both work full time days but enjoy our evenings together. Money isn't an issue. I am 4 years older than him which shouldn't matter. We're both healthy.

September 20, 2011

I don't 'pursue' him per se, but we don't make love unless he feels he has my permission, and it is up to me to show him that he HAS my permission. He never comes to bed and says "You make me horny, let's have at 'er". He'll come to bed and lay beside me looking at me while I read a book till I notice - he won't fondle me or try to kiss me while I am reading, he just waits. Then when I notice him he is very tentative - he has to gauge my mood and see if he thinks I want to or not. All the while talking about Libya or China or something completely irrelevant. Leaving it up to me to make the first move indicating what I want. Our marriage counselor says he 'manages' me. He allows me to have the final say all the time in it, which he thinks is respectful of me but it's too the point where I just don't WANT to have that responsibility.

So you think he wants it, and you want it, but each has his/her own reasons not to initiate. Hmmm.

What happens when you "just cuddle". Does he get obviously aroused when your body is against him?

Can you just schedule a sex night once a week?

September 20, 2011

So you think he wants it, and you want it, but each has his/her own reasons not to initiate. Hmmm.

I do initiate things. His idea of initiating is to let me initiate. I don't know what he wants because he doesn't indicate it in any way - he watches to see what he thinks I want and bases what he does on that. It's making my head spin just writing about it

What happens when you "just cuddle". Does he get obviously aroused when your body is against him?

Nope, he goes to sleep.

Can you just schedule a sex night once a week?

I suppose. I don't see how that would really help though. It would still be me making sure it happened and him sitting back and letting me.

September 21, 2011

Nope, he goes to sleep.

Are you rubbing yourself up against the right places??

I suppose. I don't see how that would really help though. It would still be me making sure it happened and him sitting back and letting me.

Can you initiate by directing? Give him the steps:

Kiss me.

Kiss me harder.

Touch my __________.

etc.

Be specific.

September 21, 2011

Secretly put 1 or 2 pills of viagra in his drink (powered) and I guarantee you itll work. My ex did that cause she wanted sex all the time, man do I miss those days.

September 21, 2011

Um Holy CRAP this sounds so much like mine and my husband's situation..

I just want to say.. if you need to talk in PM, I'm all ears !

TC

September 21, 2011

I know that cycle very well... Having spent more than half of my 20 year long married life in the same situation, I still have no answer. He obviously has a low libido and there isn't a lot you can do about it. Also, do you really want him to "do it" for you? After all these years, I've come to the conclusion that no, I don't want that. So I grin and bear it. There is a solution, obviously: divorce. But it's not so bad that I'm going down that avenue. I've been close. Very close. BTW, I'm a man... , not that, in my opinion, makes any difference. Mismatched libidos affect many marriages and it doesn't matter who's at the receiving end. We have sex twice/monthly, but I'm sure that, if I left it to my wife, it would be once/month or even less often than that. At least she has an excuse: issues + ADs... your husband just seems to have a low libido. Full stop. The only way to break the cycle is to not have sex with him at all. Sometimes, I wish we could separate again, so this gigantic weight would be lifted off my shoulders once for all... good luck!

Edited September 21, 2011 by giotto

September 21, 2011

He is a recovering cyber/sex addict and hasn't indulged himself for over a year.

I don't get this part. How can he suffer from low libido all these years AND be a sex addict? Was his cyber compulsion low-frequency, too?

September 21, 2011

I don't get this part. How can he suffer from low libido all these years AND be a sex addict? Was his cyber compulsion low-frequency, too?

I don't get it either. But there you are.

I guess all I can do is, like you say giotto, grin and bear it. Although, maybe what I need to do is figure out whether it's the physical release of orgasm I am after or the intimacy of my partner. I have a feeling it's the orgasm, in which case I guess I can just take care of myself from time to time when he isn't into it. I wonder what he'd think of that - I certainly don't want to do it in secret.

September 21, 2011

I missed the porn addiction bit... I don't know... it seems to me he has difficulties in relating to "normal" sex... it would be good to know what his upbringing/past emotional/relationship history is... having said that, every couple develops their own sex patterns - who initiates, who doesn't, who does what in bed, who doesn't... maybe you need to have a in depth discussion with him...

September 22, 2011

I don't get it either. But there you are.

I guess all I can do is, like you say giotto, grin and bear it. Although, maybe what I need to do is figure out whether it's the physical release of orgasm I am after or the intimacy of my partner. I have a feeling it's the orgasm, in which case I guess I can just take care of myself from time to time when he isn't into it. I wonder what he'd think of that - I certainly don't want to do it in secret.

You haven't been taking care of yourself from time to time? Why not?

Something about your husband's explanations just doesn't add up. Often the simplest explanation is the accurate one. It seems to me that whatever he was drawn to in his sexual compulsion is what gets his libido revved, and monogamy and marriage is not. And that sucks.

September 23, 2011

Oh Linda (hugs!) i feel for you. Yes there are women, perhaps many.. having the same problem as you, i had been there.

(and i had to create another account to reply to your post - because im not really keen to link my personal sex life to my post in another thread)

I know just too well the resentment of being turned down repeatedly. It erodes confidence & made me constantly question my self physically and mentally (should i try botox? laser hair removal, jars of creams.. extended eyelashes - you name it. But! i'm physically fit.. so then was it because of the way i behave, the way i speak? am i too selfish? people change, maybe i had deviated from what i used to be??? the list was endless).

He'd get all tensed up when i got touchy feely.. and this often ended up in him walking/moving away angry - and that left me feeling like a dirty bad girl.

Tried to spice up our sex life as far as suggesting us to have a threesome (since that seems to be many men's fantasy) but he said he didn't trust himself enough..

Every excuse (headache, not in the mood, later, busy, more headaches, and of course the "we have different libido" - tho it wasn't an issue in the past) gave me that cold prickly feeling inside. I had gone through the 'cycle' you mentioned. In the beginning it was because i wanted him to be the needy one, be in my position for once! i was done with continuously asking, begging, trying to read the signs leading to a 'yes'.

But the waiting game was always too long. I figured out if i didn't ask we'd last for 2 months without sex (total of 6 times a year??????? ). When we did make love i kept thinking in the back of my head that it was a mercy sex for me .

It was obviously unfair that sex was always on his terms (when he wanted it, like a puppy i'd just be to eager and forgot my resolution to say No - to see some effort from his side). When i did finally say NO (that was soooooo damn hard) we didn't have sex for 3 months!! but that's how the cycle started.

Me, Myself & the Vibe, such a lonely place. Some days were full of happy energising quickies. But some nights were difficult. Orgasms and crying, more orgasms and crying, few more orgasms out of emptiness/shame/self pity and more crying (not always in that order but mostly followed by sleeping like a pig!)

Solution: I had none. To say "find someone else with similar drive" sounds like a hollow advice to me - what about love, kids, mortgage, shared history, friend and family who have bonded? will you trade all those for sex satisfaction? Altough there is no right or wrong answer, it's all personal preference.

My marriage fell apart by itself through revelation of him cheating. We are currently separated under 1 roof. It's still as lonely. My question is.. are you definitely sure he is faithful to you?

September 23, 2011

Hi Luka and thanks for your post He's faithful now - from June 2009 to June 2010 he wasn't.

I definitely feel there's stuff he should be exploring about his own sexuality, but he won't go there at all. He's had threesome fantasies forever (what guy hasn't right?), but he knows it's just a fantasy and won't ever happen. He won't even talk about that with me, because he knows how much he hurt me recently and thinking about a threesome seems to close to cheating in his mind.

Some of this stuff needs to be brought up in our marriage counseling I think. He balks when I bring it up at home.

And no I haven't been taking care of myself very often. It's just not the same, yanno?

September 23, 2011

I had this problem with my ex-boyfriend.

We weren't married, but it was insanely frustrating nevertheless.

This guy was sweet, loving, and affectionate, and we had sex often enough, but he never really initiated it. He was into sex with me, but I wanted to feel like he WANTED to initiate. We talked about it, and I told him I was frustrated because of his sex-drive. He just claimed he wasn't as sexual of a person as I was, and that he just didn't have the drive that I did. It made me insane! I just could not understand. He was loyal as a puppy, and loving. It's just that he and I had different ideas of what sexual chemistry should be.

To top it off, when we DID have sex, he had erectile dysfunction. He was 20 years old. I know it was either a health issue (he smoked like a freight-train-yuck), or he had psychological issues. I am more willing to bet it was psychological stuff than a health issue. But, I don't know the number of times I wanted to CRY when he lost his erection while we were having sex. I would mostly just say it was okay and for him not to worry (because he, too, was upset about it, and would beat himself up over it). I would just let it go, but inside I wanted to scream! I wanted to scream for the inconvenience, but for also the frustration of NOT understanding if it was his issue or if there was something about making love with ME that was undesirable.

So, the sex drive thing comes in different forms, I think. ED is different than just low sex drive, but I can understand how both would be insanely frustrating.

I didn't end up staying with this guy for various reasons, but that was a HUGE one. He did not fulfill me sexually, and that's a very important aspect of my idea of a good relationship.

My current boyfriend has as high of a sex drive as I do. We're so compatible because we initiate equally, although he tends to do more than I do at this point. It's funny how these things change with partners. I love it that he's so turned on by me and cannot resist having me sometimes. Such a change from my ex.

September 24, 2011

Linda I'll go out on a limb here. You are too predictable in bed. That is ok, its your norm....but your norm isn't his norm.

If he watched porn, it was the variety he liked. And its easy to forget how "boring" you are in bed ( not boring to everyone, just him. There could be guy out there who you knock the sox off ) when he can jump into that fantasy land a bit and use that energy to have sex with you.

Also, if you are low key about sex and use it as a connection, then any variety you introduce will seem forced. Fake. Its not your norm.

Try to loosen up about the expectations on sex and spend more of your energy thinking about what is right with the relationship. This may spill over as a positive in your character, and instead of moping around the house you'll perk up and seem a little more sexy to him.

It's all in the head! Good luck.

September 24, 2011

Linda I'll go out on a limb here. You are too predictable in bed. That is ok, its your norm....but your norm isn't his norm.
...
Also, if you are low key about sex and use it as a connection, then any variety you introduce will seem forced. Fake. Its not your norm.

So she's damned if she doesn't, and damned if she does?

Sign In

Uneven libidos - the opposite of what seems to be usual

Recommended Posts

Linda9999

Toodamnpragmatic

xxoo

Linda9999

Linda9999

xxoo

Linda9999

xxoo

Osiris1234

Lexygirl

giotto

xxoo

Linda9999

giotto

xxoo

Luka

Linda9999

missed_theboat

listen777

OliveOyl

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...