Bgirl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Here is my story. I started dating a guy that I met online. We had our first date about one month ago and from the moment we spoke we hit it off real well! Really good conversations, lots in common and even before meeting me he mentioned how he is really excited because I'm the type of girl ( at least background wise that he has been looking for to marry) We went out on a date, which went amazing! We ended up holding hands and were so attracted to each other.. we spent all day together and kissed at the end. We had a discussion about exclusivity and agreed that we wouldnt have sex until we are exclusive because we want to wait for someone special and we want to go slow before we get into a relationship. All this time he keeps insisting on not beiing physical and that he really wants to get to know me better before having sex. To which I agree 100% We have been going out on 8 dates so far, he has been great, always texting me , leaves me notes, calls me and not physical touch at all as he insists that he wants to wait. He took me out to his frd birthday and he keeps bringing up topics like kids, marriage, he says Im his future wife, even introduced me as his future wife to one of his frds! So last weekened we went on a date and we bumped into one of his frds, again he showed his frd how interested he was in me and when we sat at our table he told me " My frd knows that we havent been together for long because I just broke up with a psycopath who tried to kill me when I broke up with her" Then the conversation developed in a way that took me me to the place to ask " So are we dating others ? " and he said "well we are not exclusive yet and I have met women after i went on dates with you, nothing has happened but I am meeting people and I would like to get to know you better to make sure that you are not a psycopath but I am very interested in you but it is online dating and I was expecting you to date other gusy as well Then I was honest and told him that I thought we had great chemistry adn that I would like to get to him only and I would be unconfortable if I see him with other girls... to which he replied " Well I think exclusivity is almost like a relationship and I dont know if there are any unknown dark things in your life yet so I will have to think about this lets change the topic now and we will discuss it later" I agreed, we went on our date, had a great time! Stayed over at his place, he mentioned marriage again and when we said bye we agreed on a date on sat. What is REALLY bothering me right now is that I havent heard from him since Sunday and we are usually all over each other on text or on the phone.I don't even know if he is just sweet talking me, just carrying baggage and I feel extremely guilty for even asking "should we date others"... now I feel that he is pulling away. I'm used to just running fast when I see that the guy is pulling away but this time I want to deal with it maturely and I don't knwo what is the best next step to take. I don't know if it is worth it to continue dating him knowing that we have an awesome connection but he still goes online and wants to meet others + his fear of me being a psycopath ( which screams baggage and maybe not ready to commit) . I agree wtih getting to know each other better, but he makes me feel like I really have to work hard to show him im not crazy .... to all this it confuses me that he mentioned marriage all the time. What should I do?? Any enlightening is appreciated!
Andy_K Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Date someone else. I can't see any other result than this guy messing you around. I mean seriously... the guy talks about marriage but isn't even committed enough to be exclusive? He's having you on. When he says that, it's just words to keep you sweet. Maybe he's got a massive madonna-whore complex and wants to court the nice girl whilst bonking someone else silly. It would explain his lack of contact lately. The psychopath line is just a line to string you along whilst he dates others. You two clearly are not singing from the same hymn sheet.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He sounds like he has "issues" that will make him a pretty iffy candidate for a LTR. Why does he choose to constantly mention marriage while at the same time actively seeking someone who he might like "better" than he likes you? Maybe his ex girlfriend wasn't a psychopath until she got involved with him! In any case, the time is HERE, NOW, that you do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF. You are perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with things "non-exclusive" at this point, with all that has been spoken about, etc. Anyway, clarify your needs and boundaries with regards to this guy and the relationship you have with him so far. If you are NOT OKAY with continuing to date others, then that's a reasonable boundary. You can tell him this. If it makes him run away - then, so be it. I am sure that would signal that you're better off without him, even if it feels terrible for a time. The bottom line is, the grass IS always greener, if you're always looking for some greener grass.
Author Bgirl Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 This hurts a lot right now because he seems to be doing all the right things.. calls exactly when he said he would, he would book me in advance twice a week, weekends always for me..and the fact that he has dropped off the face of the earth now makes me feel so silly for even asking that question, maybe I was acting rushed??? I hate to bring this 'exclusive' talk myself and I know its only been a 'few dates' but mind you the whole marriage thing and he even asked me to book time off next year to go to a big trip with him .. just made me feel like it was the right thing to ask " Should we be dating others?" .. I feel so horrible for even asking that!! I'm even more puzzled at the fact that he wont go near me physically.. isnt sex the first thing that a player wants? I mean why else is he keeping me there for?
ja123 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He's a major manipulator!!!!! Get out now!!!!!! Read: Susan Forward's "Emotional Blackmail" Save yourself. Drop him!!! Don't even give him an explanation as to why you're dumping him as he'll twist that around. At most say you met somebody else, don't go into details and enter into strict "no contact".
daphne Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 His actions and words are inconsistent. It doesn't matter the reason why. This is not someone who is trustworthy, in my opinion. I feel like he's stringing you along to keep you around, while he does what he feels like. At the very least, you need to consider other options. I would personally distance myself and gain a bit more objectivity. Guys talk marriage with women they dont' marry or even intend to marry every day. That can make you feel like there's a connection, but it's more often than not smoke and mirrors. I wouldn't think there's anything wrong with him wanting to see other people at this point, if he weren't talking big future plans at the same time. It makes no sense.
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