Busted by MMs W, who I had befriended... What now?

[Ilmhb3]

So confused and lost, don't know where to turn. Routine was so nice, even if it was weird and hard at times.

 

my relationship w MM started three and a half yrs ago, we worked together. I knew he was married, but he made mention of things I could tell bothered him about their relationship (she was clingy, didn't have friends or do things on her own, etc) but our fling started as just that- a fling w no expectations.

 

I ended the abusive relationship I was in a few months later and moved right down the street from him. I began hanging out with his wife and she actually helped me move. We became best friends - all three of us hung out every weekend. About six months into the relationship, MM told me he loved me.

 

Now, MM never claimed to be unhappy in his marriage but while he never told me he wanted out, he asked that I "be patient and give him time"

 

Long story, but yesterday morning she found him at my new apt that we all three spent the weekend moving me into. Needless to say, shes devastated and told MM shes done, told me I'm an ungrateful bitch.and never wants to see me again. He stayed at his house last night, she left and stayed w family.

 

It seems like he is angry with me, and himself for continuing. He said he knew it would come out eventually, but "wasnt ready". He tried apologizing to her that he made a mistake, but shes done. He told me he doesn't want to lose me, but he's been w her for 15 years...

 

I can't justify My actions, but I truly believe they had grown apart. Thankfully there are no kids involved, but of course I feel horrible. It seems like he thinks I'm happy or at least not sorry, which also hurts. I do have a conscience and feelings. Should I send her an apology email? Should I back off of him and her?

 

This sucks

[Emme]

Nooooooooooooooooooo! Leave the woman alone. What you do is work on you. Figure out why you did what you did. Why you stayed in an abusive relationship for as long as you did then moved to be closer to a man who is not yours. Figure out why you befriended her. This is called reflecting time. Take the time for yourself to work on you.

[ScienceGal]

So confused and lost, don't know where to turn. Routine was so nice, even if it was weird and hard at times.

 

my relationship w MM started three and a half yrs ago, we worked together. I knew he was married, but he made mention of things I could tell bothered him about their relationship (she was clingy, didn't have friends or do things on her own, etc) but our fling started as just that- a fling w no expectations.

 

I ended the abusive relationship I was in a few months later and moved right down the street from him. I began hanging out with his wife and she actually helped me move. We became best friends - all three of us hung out every weekend. About six months into the relationship, MM told me he loved me.

 

Now, MM never claimed to be unhappy in his marriage but while he never told me he wanted out, he asked that I "be patient and give him time"

 

Long story, but yesterday morning she found him at my new apt that we all three spent the weekend moving me into. Needless to say, shes devastated and told MM shes done, told me I'm an ungrateful bitch.and never wants to see me again. He stayed at his house last night, she left and stayed w family.

 

It seems like he is angry with me, and himself for continuing. He said he knew it would come out eventually, but "wasnt ready". He tried apologizing to her that he made a mistake, but shes done. He told me he doesn't want to lose me, but he's been w her for 15 years...

 

I can't justify My actions, but I truly believe they had grown apart. Thankfully there are no kids involved, but of course I feel horrible. It seems like he thinks I'm happy or at least not sorry, which also hurts. I do have a conscience and feelings. Should I send her an apology email? Should I back off of him and her?

 

This sucks

 

You should not send her an apology email because you aren't sorry for the affair, you're sorry that you got caught and she got hurt. You feel bad, and you're only looking to soothe your own ego by apologizing to her. She is going through a lot of pain because of you and her husband, there is no making that go away. And, you still want to be with her husband!

 

I don't get cheaters, never have and never will.

 

IMO, he would have kept relations with both of you as long as he could have. That's a common theme in affairs. He was never going to "be ready" for it to come out. And if she'll have him, I guarantee he will work to get back with her and you will have lost what sounds like a very good friend, and a lover that belongs to her anyway.

 

Good luck. I obviously recommend you work on yourself and refrain from trying to get with men that are married.

Edited September 20, 2011 by ScienceGal

[KathyM]

No point in contacting her now. She already knows the truth. If she wants to know more about the situation, she'll contact you. I don't see how anyone can pretend to be a friend of a woman while screwing her husband behind her back. What kind of person does that? Where is that conscience that you say you have? Just let her be. She's leaving him. The damage is done. He's all yours now. If what you want is damaged goods, then it looks like you've got that now.

[Mimolicious]

So confused and lost, don't know where to turn. Routine was so nice, even if it was weird and hard at times.

 

my relationship w MM started three and a half yrs ago, we worked together. I knew he was married, but he made mention of things I could tell bothered him about their relationship (she was clingy, didn't have friends or do things on her own, etc) but our fling started as just that- a fling w no expectations.

 

I ended the abusive relationship I was in a few months later and moved right down the street from him. I began hanging out with his wife and she actually helped me move. We became best friends - all three of us hung out every weekend. About six months into the relationship, MM told me he loved me.

 

Now, MM never claimed to be unhappy in his marriage but while he never told me he wanted out, he asked that I "be patient and give him time"

 

Long story, but yesterday morning she found him at my new apt that we all three spent the weekend moving me into. Needless to say, shes devastated and told MM shes done, told me I'm an ungrateful bitch.and never wants to see me again. He stayed at his house last night, she left and stayed w family.

 

It seems like he is angry with me, and himself for continuing. He said he knew it would come out eventually, but "wasnt ready". He tried apologizing to her that he made a mistake, but shes done. He told me he doesn't want to lose me, but he's been w her for 15 years...

 

I can't justify My actions, but I truly believe they had grown apart. Thankfully there are no kids involved, but of course I feel horrible. It seems like he thinks I'm happy or at least not sorry, which also hurts. I do have a conscience and feelings. Should I send her an apology email? Should I back off of him and her?

 

This sucks

 

The bolded- That's all? What a classy chick!

 

Send her an apology email? What can you possibly apologize for? That you got caught? You betrayed her as a friend and helped her husband betray her as well. Not so groovy babes! I don't mean to sound harsh, but think about it, prior to getting caught it was all sweet and dandy. Have some dignity and save the apology email. She may read it as "Sorry that it happened but I got your H now" because you are going to continue to be with him, right?

 

Good luck hone. Get ready to deal with all the free falls from this ride. You will shake the day he tells you he is helping a "friend" move.

 

How unfortunate... well, it's probably all worth it though. Now you and your MM just have each other. Dont be surprised the day that he realizes he lost everything, he will resent you and hate you for it. That's people for you!

[Mimolicious]

Leave her be. An apology will ring hollow. How do you apologize for ****ing your bestfriends husband?

 

If the three of you hung out all the time then how can you say you thought they had grown apart? He wasn't spending time alone with you without her, he was with his wife too. You even said he never claimed to be unhappy in his marriage.

 

The kindest thing you can do if you really feel terrible is to never speak to either one of them again and remove yourself from their lives.

 

My goodness, what were you thinking befriending the wife of your lover?

Examine the complaints he had about his wife. lol too clingy???? Does that sound like someone who does not love their husband? Didn't have friends or do things on her own? Did you think because he husband was her bestfriend and that's who she chose to do things with? What silly complaints.

 

In her defense- sounds like he became lover after the befriending though.

[MissBee]

So confused and lost, don't know where to turn. Routine was so nice, even if it was weird and hard at times.

 

my relationship w MM started three and a half yrs ago, we worked together. I knew he was married, but he made mention of things I could tell bothered him about their relationship (she was clingy, didn't have friends or do things on her own, etc) but our fling started as just that- a fling w no expectations.

 

I ended the abusive relationship I was in a few months later and moved right down the street from him. I began hanging out with his wife and she actually helped me move. We became best friends - all three of us hung out every weekend. About six months into the relationship, MM told me he loved me.

 

Now, MM never claimed to be unhappy in his marriage but while he never told me he wanted out, he asked that I "be patient and give him time"

 

Long story, but yesterday morning she found him at my new apt that we all three spent the weekend moving me into. Needless to say, shes devastated and told MM shes done, told me I'm an ungrateful bitch.and never wants to see me again. He stayed at his house last night, she left and stayed w family.

 

It seems like he is angry with me, and himself for continuing. He said he knew it would come out eventually, but "wasnt ready". He tried apologizing to her that he made a mistake, but shes done. He told me he doesn't want to lose me, but he's been w her for 15 years...

 

I can't justify My actions, but I truly believe they had grown apart. Thankfully there are no kids involved, but of course I feel horrible. It seems like he thinks I'm happy or at least not sorry, which also hurts. I do have a conscience and feelings. Should I send her an apology email? Should I back off of him and her?

 

This sucks

 

Back off of them.

 

To be honest, I will NEVER understand why people have affairs and befriend the wife or truly have the audacity to hang out with these people and claim they are their friends...it is very disturbing to me. It's one thing to have affair, fine. It's another to make it even more dysfunctional by being friends with the couple, hanging out with them etc. How did you compartmentalize that? I understand when the BS is out of sight, out of mind or you've never met them but to see them all the time, befriend them, become close and continue an A is really just all too strange and a hot mess....

 

I do not think you should apologize as you're not sorry it seems. You're sorry that she found out and that he is mad at you and that your "nice routine" is in shambles but truly, you don't seem actually sorry for the A and for the betrayal. Had she not found out you seem like you would have continued ad infinitum and you were "waiting" for him to up and leave her...did you think you'd be bestfriends still if it came to that point?

 

I truly believe you should leave these people alone and move forward with your life, with perhaps a bit of counseling just to put some things in perspective for you.

[MissBee]

Nooooooooooooooooooo! Leave the woman alone. What you do is work on you. Figure out why you did what you did. Why you stayed in an abusive relationship for as long as you did then moved to be closer to a man who is not yours. Figure out why you befriended her. This is called reflecting time. Take the time for yourself to work on you.

 

I agree.

 

None of this seems normal and healthy.

 

I do not think you need to be focused on this married man or his wife and your weird 3some of a "friendship". If you were in an abusive relationship, you needed time to heal and reflect....not move from that to an affair coupled with a 3some friendship between your lover and his wife....it is all very strange and I think ALL these outside people and strange relations are a distraction from working on yourself. You should do that first and foremost, as you didn't do it after your ex, so surely now is a good a time as any to leave ALL dysfunctional scenarios alone and work on you so that in the future you won't gravitate towards such tumultuous scenarios anymore.

[Ilmhb3]

No, not normal or healthy at all...

 

Just to clarify, things didn't truly develop between me and MM til after I started hanging out w his W. he and I both tried to end things a few times, but ultimately made our way back to each other.

 

I never intended to fall I'm love, and neither did he. When I say I believe they grew apart is bc I unfortunately was witness to many arguments (based entirety on their issues independent of the A) and saw first hand that they had grown in different directions... She wants kids, he doesn't. She drinks a lot, he doesn't at all anymore. Trustme I'm not trying to justify my actions. I did feel bad the entire time, it want ever supposed to turn into this.

 

I told him I'm prepared to move On and leave them be. He's not sure if "its worth it" to try and fix things and he doesn't want to lose me, he says... I guess I'll have to see, but I do know I need to look at myself and how I could do this

[bentnotbroken]

I say you and he move on with each other and let her find some people she can trust and will treat her with respect and dignity. I hope she leaves his behind for good. :sick:What piggish behavior.

[half_ofa_heart]

my sympathies Ilmhb3. I feel for you as I too have been in your same boat. I was not friends with her when we started the A but we live in a small town and thru social acitivities both with mutual friends as well as with our kids, we ended up meeting and became "friends".

 

Unhealthy is an understatement!!! It is torture. MM and I had attempted to end it many times as well and constantly went back but we are over now. I have distanced myself from him (and he is trying to respect my wishes and stay away from me) but I'm finding it much harder to distance myself from her. She considers me a friend and continues to invite me places for which I have to find reasons to decline. In time I'm sure she will forget about me.

 

I truly hope you can find some peace as I know that we are our worst critic. Figure out what YOU need and why you allowed yourself to be comprimised. Find your happy place and stay there.

[donnamaybe]

She doesn't want to hear from you, so you should respect at least that.

 

As for him, he tried to dump you once the W found out! Do you REALLY want to be second choice?

[Angelina527]

This happened to me...the woman befriended me and played me for a fool. The humiliation and devastation are indescribable...double betrayal. Leave the poor woman alone, you have done enough damage.

 

And whether they grew apart or not is NOT justification for the immense pain you caused.

[whichwayisup]

She doesn't want to hear from you, so you should respect at least that.

 

As for him, he tried to dump you once the W found out! Do you REALLY want to be second choice?

 

This is what has to happen. Respect HER wishes and leave her alone. If in the future she calls you and wants to talk, then talk to her, but do NOT be the one to reach out to her. She's dealing with double betrayal. She's hurting and needs you to be out of her and her husbands life.

 

Look into doing counselling, to figure out why you did this.. It's one thing to have an affair with a MM, it's another to befriend his wife and then allow the affair to happen when you've become friendly with her. Sorry to be harsh, but what you both did her is devastating.

[ShatteredReality]

I agree with the others on this one. You're definitely out a friend here - don't ever contact her again. You really ought to leave him be as well - relationships that spring from affairs have less than a 3% chance of actually working out.

 

Work on finding a way to be happy with yourself and figure out what you really want from a relationship...do you want to be the OW? Do you want to be someone's hidden secret?

 

A friend of mine has a great quote - I feel too hypocritical to use it regularly - but it makes total sense. "If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife." That goes both ways, interchange man for woman and so on.

 

If he had no valid complaints about his marriage, chose not to leave it, chose to have an affair...wouldn't he just turn around and do the same thing with you if you two stayed together?

[fooled once]

I agree, you have done enough. Leave her alone.

 

I hope she divorces him and takes all she can from him. But the good news is, you are now his #1 choice since his first #1 choice has told Jim it's over. You win by default.

 

Will you ever wonder if he would have picked you had she not found out? Will he do the same to you as he did to her - a woman he at one time loved, like he says he loves you? In 3 years, since the affair began, he has never willingly or voluntarily left. Now she has taken that option away. If it were me, I would winder if I was just the back up plan/2nd choice

[Ilmhb3]

there will be no more contact with either of them.he can attempt damage control with her and sadly (no, not for me) she may take him back. I WAS foolish to think he thought what we had was special. He will get what he wants for now and she will end up spending her life with a betrayer. He always gets what he wants, and I WONT be his second choice.

 

My hearts shattered and I'm a worthless human being. This is no way to live

[Spark1111]

there will be no more contact with either of them.he can attempt damage control with her and sadly (no, not for me) she may take him back. I WAS foolish to think he thought what we had was special. He will get what he wants for now and she will end up spending her life with a betrayer. He always gets what he wants, and I WONT be his second choice.

 

My hearts shattered and I'm a worthless human being. This is no way to live

 

You are not a worthless human being. You have just made some poor choices for reasons only you can figure out.

 

Maybe your picker is broken. You got out of aa abusive relationship to boomerang into a MM whose wife befriended you and now you find yourself in a veritable sh*tstorm.

 

Why? That is the only question you need to figure out, and if I were you, I would find a good counselor right quick to find out why you think second best love is good enuf for you.

 

Why do you feel you do not deserve real committed exclusive love with a partner who respects you?

 

I think we will wind up back in childhood and it will be painful to revisit, but until you get to the "why" of such self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors, you will keep making poor choices over and over and over again.

 

And that is not the way to happiness. Only YOU can get you on the path to happiness, and a lot of HAPPY is making sane and respectful choices for ourselves and our relationships.

 

You can do this. Find a counselor and make a phone call and get busy trying to figure out your why.

 

I wish you peace and fortitude.

[bentnotbroken]

You are not a worthless human being. You have just made some poor choices for reasons only you can figure out.

 

Maybe your picker is broken. You got out of aa abusive relationship to boomerang into a MM whose wife befriended you and now you find yourself in a veritable sh*tstorm.

 

Why? That is the only question you need to figure out, and if I were you, I would find a good counselor right quick to find out why you think second best love is good enuf for you.

 

Why do you feel you do not deserve real committed exclusive love with a partner who respects you?

 

I think we will wind up back in childhood and it will be painful to revisit, but until you get to the "why" of such self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors, you will keep making poor choices over and over and over again.

 

And that is not the way to happiness. Only YOU can get you on the path to happiness, and a lot of HAPPY is making sane and respectful choices for ourselves and our relationships.

 

You can do this. Find a counselor and make a phone call and get busy trying to figure out your why.

 

I wish you peace and fortitude.

 

 

Beautiful post Spark. As usual calm, cool and with great insight. OP, listen to her.

[Ilmhb3]

You are not a worthless human being. You have just made some poor choices for reasons only you can figure out.

 

Maybe your picker is broken. You got out of aa abusive relationship to boomerang into a MM whose wife befriended you and now you find yourself in a veritable sh*tstorm.

 

Why? That is the only question you need to figure out, and if I were you, I would find a good counselor right quick to find out why you think second best love is good enuf for you.

 

Why do you feel you do not deserve real committed exclusive love with a partner who respects you?

 

I think we will wind up back in childhood and it will be painful to revisit, but until you get to the "why" of such self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors, you will keep making poor choices over and over and over again.

 

And that is not the way to happiness. Only YOU can get you on the path to happiness, and a lot of HAPPY is making sane and respectful choices for ourselves and our relationships.

 

You can do this. Find a counselor and make a phone call and get busy trying to figure out your why.

 

I wish you peace and fortitude.

 

Thank you for this. I will take your advice and figure out why. Hopefully I can someday be happy, normal, and with healthy relationships, but until then I feel like the scum of the earth

[stillafool]

About six months into the relationship, MM told me he loved me.

 

Good to know he is in love with you.

 

Now, MM never claimed to be unhappy in his marriage but while he never told me he wanted out, he asked that I "be patient and give him time"

 

Well now that his wife has found out what is the problem? Didn't he tell you he loves YOU and to be patient? Well it would seem that you guys dream has come true. He is free to be with you so why didn't he spend the night at your house and why aren't the two of you making your plans to be together? Why aren't you asking him this? Also, where was your CONSCIENCE when you were screwing your best friend's husband right under her nose? I think you two definitely belong together.

 

This sucks

 

Why? Isn't that what you both wanted?

[spice4life]

I've think you've had some great responses and Spark's was awesome and I'd like to echo that you are NOT worthless. You've done a bad thing, but you know that and as others have said, address the why of it.

 

I just wanted to add this, I've been in 2 abusive relationships in my life, one many years ago and one not so many years ago. They really do a number on your head as I well know and I think if we don't allow time in between to heal and really look hard at how we ended up there we can really screw up picking the next relationship too. Why? Because after having been treating really badly as in abused, your filter is all screwed up, the warning flags don't fly right and our boundaries aren't where they should be. By filter, I mean after having been treating so badly sometimes its not clear what is really right and good, sometimes we just see it as better than the abuse. Hope this helps.

 

So true!

 

Ilmhb3, you made a mistake that's all. Allow yourself to mourn it and use it to help you grow and evolve into the person you want to be. One way to do that is by looking within instead of outward. All of the answers to your questions are sitting right there...you just have to find them. They are like little diamonds waiting to be found so they can add true sparkle to your life. And that sparkle comes from loving yourself first and that opens the door to welcoming someone who will enjoy treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

[Avery]

You are not a worthless human being. What a silly thing to say. You simply made some poor choices, that does not make you worthless.

 

However, do not contact her. Seriously, if she wants to contact you, she will. Otherwise, please respect her wishes and do not contact her.

[unodos1011]

It is extremely hard for me to have any sympathy towards you considering I am going through a similar situation, however I am the wife.

 

The OW texted me two days after I found out and had the nerve try to apologize and even said she hopes that we can repair our frienship. What a slap in the face! Here she was pretending to be my friend while telling my husband how in love she was with him and thought all would be forgiven? An apology from you will never mean anything to her. You say they were growing distant, did you ever consider that you may have helped contribute to that? There is no way he could work through the issues in his marriage when he has you as a distraction. In her head she will be replaying and dissecting every conversation the three of you had and wonder how she missed the signs or what she could have done differently. I would just leave the whole situation alone if I were you. You helped contribute enough problems to their relationship and it will probably be messy for a while...lucky you can just walk away and not have to deal with putting the pieces back together.

[Silly_Girl]

You are not a worthless human being. What a silly thing to say. You simply made some poor choices, that does not make you worthless.

 

But Avery, the OP joined a support forum and was greeted by a dozen people using the thread as a platform to share their moral views, not to give support/advice. No wonder she feels beat!

 

OP, it must be hard that you've lost 2 people who were big in your life, irrespective of whose 'fault' it is. It is often the way that the guilt kicks in after we've been found out on something. That's human, and lots of us have been there.

 

I think the posters are right about leaving his wife alone. She knows where you are and if she feels she needs more from you, for her own purposes, I'm sure you will be respectful and honest.

 

As for MM, he really needs to be allowed to get his head around this. I think space is good, and it's a relief there aren't kids involved, the adults can do what they need, get time if they need it or discuss things if they need to.

 

Now to you. What are you doing? How are you looking after yourself? You sound pretty cut up, understandably. These traumatic times are when it's so important to care for your body to reduce the stress on your mind. Try to exercise, or go walking with an iPod or something for fresh air, try to eat well and get quality sleep. Hunker down for a few days and just focus on being good to yourself and things will start to slowly seem a little better. And keeping posting is a good idea too, stops it all bottling up. Good luck