OliveOyl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Communication. Easy access to sex. Playing house. The unknowns. The positives are also the pitfalls. I've given a few examples above... I really like NoraJane's post in this thread. I totally agree with it. As well I don't think vacations and weekends are enough to really tell what living together (or marriage) is going to be like. It's easy enough to be on one's best (or good) behavior over the course of a few days. It's very different when it's day-in, day out. The biggest advice I have is once you have moved in together is: *don't take each other for granted*. That can happen in living together, and definitely happens in marriages. It is a relationship killer. I may be wrong about this but men seem to be more guilty of this than women, mainly because I think men process relationships differently. For a man, the mere fact that he is in the same "space" with you often means to him that of course he loves you. For women, we still need the regular displays of emotional support/connection (and just regular sex isn't enough for this). If women lose the feeling of emotional connection, they will lose the desire to have sex (with that person). Then of course the whole relationship starts to devolve. That is why STILL having a regular "date" night, and taking time out to talk and discuss things (and not just who is doing chores), is very important. The importance of this multiplies when you have kids.
pureinheart Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hi, sweets! My ex-fiancee's mother called it "playing house" and it bugged me when she said it back then, but she sure knew what she was talking about! Smart lady. And I loathe the cow/milk expression! To me, it seems like anyone who has ever had that amazing, emotionally and intellectually intimate sex where your minds are fully engaged with each other...could never think of it in cow/milk terms. Sex is sex and sure, cow/milk, whatever. But true sexual intimacy is not even in the same...pasture. Does not apply! I do too, she said that to me, and it was meant to be a low blow, which priddy much was 80% of her normal communication...I found shortly after that the apple didn't fall far from the tree! (((((hugs)))) Love!
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Pierre, you have very firm (rigid, even) views on cohabitation, and evidently you are not open to looking at the situation differently, which is just fine. But the world is full of happily cohabiting people. And, unhappy ones. Just like the married people. You have cited some studies that show that "shacking up" relationships "fail" more often than marriages. I am not delving into that; I am pretty sure that the controls in such studies are pretty lax. I'm not even sure about the use of the term "fail." Who knows whether the shacked-up couples intended to stay together until death did them part, or not? The institution of marriage, or the giving of a diamond ring, are truly NOT the only, or even the most binding ways of being committed to another person, either. Not everybody is buying all that. Personally, I think it is very wise for many couples to experience living together, whether as a "test" of compatibility, as a step towards marriage, as an alternative to traditional marriage, because they hate to be apart, or for other reasons. Off the top of my head, I can't think of any marriages among my peers where the couple had not lived together first. I've been married twice, and lived together first with both. (My cohabitation had NO influence on my ultimate divorce from my first husband, I assure you.) My new husband did not live with his first wife before they married, and I was very curious about how it must have been to go, the traditional way, from a wedding, to a honeymoon, and then start keeping house in your own place for the very first time. Among my peers, this is a quaint notion, and rare. I know it is still "normal" for many. Have fun setting up your new household, with lots of love! And heed Olive's advice about not taking each other for granted, every single day.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 My boyfriend refers to moving in as "starting our lives together" and that he misses me too much when we are apart. He doesn't explicitly say it's a "test" but I know he wants us to get married one day. He has also told me before that he would never marry someone without living with them first. So it would be silly not to consider this as a "test" and I have no problem with that. As for keeping my own place, it was more my choice than his. He is happy for me to rent it out right away.
oaks Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Personally, I think it is very wise for many couples to experience living together, whether as a "test" of compatibility, as a step towards marriage, as an alternative to traditional marriage, because they hate to be apart, or for other reasons. How about because it's cheaper to only have 1 lot of rent to pay.
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