missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I don't know if this is the correct forum, but this is for all those who live with your significant other but who are not married. I am moving in with my boyfriend this coming weekend, and I am very excited about it. He has a wonderful home and he has invited me into it, much to my delight. We are moving in together because we want to begin our lives together. This is the step we feel is appropriate at this time. So, tell me your stories... about living together before marriage (or with no intention to get married). We have talked about one day getting married, but that's in the future. For now, we want to see how this goes first. What are the great aspects of living together? What are the surprises (both good and bad)? Any opinions or ideas? I am moving in, regardless, but I wonder what I should expect that I may not have thought about, or words of wisdom that I should be aware of.
Pierre Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I don't know if this is the correct forum, but this is for all those who live with your significant other but who are not married. I am moving in with my boyfriend this coming weekend, and I am very excited about it. He has a wonderful home and he has invited me into it, much to my delight. We are moving in together because we want to begin our lives together. This is the step we feel is appropriate at this time. So, tell me your stories... about living together before marriage (or with no intention to get married). We have talked about one day getting married, but that's in the future. For now, we want to see how this goes first. What are the great aspects of living together? What are the surprises (both good and bad)? Any opinions or ideas? I am moving in, regardless, but I wonder what I should expect that I may not have thought about, or words of wisdom that I should be aware of. The most important thing about living together is commitment. What will he do when the "shyte" hits the fan? Ask you to leave? Is he committed to stick with you through thick and thin? If he is simply testing you tho see if you are good enough then the relationship will likely fail and living together will expedite the demise of the relationship.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Wow, I am also moving in with my boyfriend this weekend. I am excited but scared at the same time. I have no issue with it being a step in testing if the relationship is marriage material. That's mostly why we are moving in. I would rather know even if outcome is negative, than go through divorce. Also, I beleive that it will speed up the ending of the relationship if it's not "right". It will reduce wasting time with the wrong person. All positives in my mind.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 BTW, do you have a back up plan if things go wrong? I will still keep my house empty for the next few months in the case it doesn't work out. Boyfriend offered to pay all bills at his place until I disconnect my own electricity, internet etc (which I won't do until I see that things are working out). After that, I plan to rent out my house. If things go wrong at that stage, I can always move in either with my brother or my parents until I get back on my feet (we all live in the same city). It's a low risk thing to do as far as I can see.
Pierre Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Wow, I am also moving in with my boyfriend this weekend. I am excited but scared at the same time. I have no issue with it being a step in testing if the relationship is marriage material. That's mostly why we are moving in. I would rather know even if outcome is negative, than go through divorce. Also, I beleive that it will speed up the ending of the relationship if it's not "right". It will reduce wasting time with the wrong person. All positives in my mind. If he is testing you and you are testing him then the relationship will die. Why even bother to move together? When a person is in testing mode it means they are not committed. Without commitment living together fails. IF you were selling your BMW? Would you sell it to a buyer that wants to drive it for a year before deciding to buy it? Or would you sell it to someone that wants it right now with no hesitation? Who is more committed to the purchase? By the way breaking up while leaving together is messy and a pain in the butt. It is way easier to break up when you live separate.
norajane Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Communication. Easy access to sex. Playing house. The unknowns. The positives are also the pitfalls. I've given a few examples above... Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship and brings you closer, and you'd think that when you're living together, you have lots of opportunity to communicate. However, you can fall into traps, like not realizing that you need to communicate about something and it upsets the other person and turns into a problem. Or assuming that you know each other so well that and have so much time together that you don't take the time to talk like you used to. Or you fall into a rut where you're really only communicating about how to load the dishwasher. Easy access to each other for sex and everything else is awesome. But it can turn into taking each other for granted. Now, you're thinking that would never happen! But you might get a stretch where you are so stressed out by your job and working extra hours, and he still wants to have sex all the time but you are soooooo not capable of it because you're exhausted, but he expects it and you resent him for it. Or maybe he expects you to go grocery shopping because you always have, but it starts to grate on you that he expects it instead of sometimes thanking you for picking up his favorite ice cream. You don't primp and prepare for special dates with him anymore, because you stop going on special dates and you end up forgetting why you thought he was special. Stuff like that. Playing house. Fun, fun, fun! You get to live in his wonderful home and you get to be with each other! Until you realize that it is HIS wonderful home and you don't have anywhere to go that feels like you. And you have nothing of your own in there except your clothes. So you try to add your touches and make it your own...and he resents you because you want to move his treadmill and his Star Wars dolls and video games out of the dining room so you can put in an actual table. Or a desk for you to use for your computer and files. At first it's fun making dinner together, and later it can become a chore to accommodate his gluten allergy and you just want some pizza, dammit! And then there are the unknown psyche things that crop up unexpectedly and out of nowhere. For example, I used to live with someone who would often come home from work and barely say hello to me before running to the shower or the bedroom. At first I thought, ok, dude is one of those people who needs a little time after work to decompress before wanting to talk. That's fine. I'm like that in the morning before coffee. It turned out that it freaked him out to come home and find me sitting in my favorite chair by the window with the view just reading or on my laptop. Why did it freak him out so much? Because his mother used to sit in a chair in their living room, reading, when she'd be waiting for him to come home so she could yell at him about something. Even though I had never done something like that, he couldn't walk past me fast enough because of that association in his head. So, have fun! But don't forget that you are still two separate individuals and neither of you was born and raised to be perfectly compatible with each other, or that you are in each other's minds.
Author missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Congrats Eternal Sunshine! I am currently living in a place without a lease, with some friends from college. If things don't work out with my boyfriend, I'll be able to come back to them (if they still have a room by that time) and my boyfriend would help me find a place. He would never kick me out on my ass. The reason we are chosing to live together is because we love each other. We want to begin our lives together. This is not a test to see if we can "make it" together. That would be a very ill-thought-out way to test a relationship, considering the implications. Instead, we are committed to each other and this is the next step for us to solidify our bond. We have talked about living together for months, but this is finally the time it makes sense/feels right for both of us. I do think living together is a good idea. I could not go blindly into marriage or something without having lived together. Those new studies that show more people split up after having lived together before marriage seem dumb. How do they prove that the couple wasn’t already going to split up? It obviously wasn’t meant to be. I don’t believe living together or NOT living together inherently messes you up. You were doomed to begin with, because it wasn’t meant to be. It was just a matter of time. It’s all relative. And doesn’t make much sense. For me, though, living together is not about finances, not about convenience, not about anything but sharing our love and our life--the way it should be.
Author missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Playing house. Fun, fun, fun! You get to live in his wonderful home and you get to be with each other! Until you realize that it is HIS wonderful home and you don't have anywhere to go that feels like you. And you have nothing of your own in there except your clothes. So you try to add your touches and make it your own...and he resents you because you want to move his treadmill and his Star Wars dolls and video games out of the dining room so you can put in an actual table. I love the part about the Star Wars dolls, because my boyfriend is the one who decorated his house and it looks amazing, all beautifully furnished and functional. He's definitely a great boyfriend for doing domestic things, and for that, I'm very lucky. Just by watching him in his space when I'm over for the weekend, I have learned that he definitely keeps his things together. As for the communication part, I understand where you're coming from. Good advice, because recently, I asked him if I could just throw the towels down the stairs for him to wash, but he said "no, I'll just come up and get them" and it was something we talkd about instead of me just doing it, which may have offended him or caused him to think I'm a slob.
Pierre Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I don’t believe living together or NOT living together inherently messes you up. You were doomed to begin with, because it wasn’t meant to be. It was just a matter of time. It’s all relative. And doesn’t make much sense. Cohabitation is identical whether you are married or shacking up. The reason people that shack up fail more often is because they lack commitment. IF you move in with your BF with a back up plan to go back to your old room it means you are not that committed. A truly committed person does not think in that manner.
Author missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Cohabitation is identical whether you are married or shacking up. The reason people that shack up fail more often is because they lack commitment. IF you move in with your BF with a back up plan to go back to your old room it means you are not that committed. A truly committed person does not think in that manner. Someone told me to keep my apartment for a month or two, continuing to pay the rent, just to have a place to fall back on if we didn’t make it together. I don’t want to do that, nor am I. I want this to work and I’m committed to it working. If I wanted to keep my place, I’d keep it and tell him I’d move in at a later time…or never. The only reason I mentioned going back to my old-room was because I wanted to illustrate that I do have another option—but in reality, it would be a bit of a hassle because I assume my roommates are going to find another roomie when I leave. I don't think you can say a person is absolutely not committed if she has a back-up plan. Women have to think indepedently these days so as not to get screwed over... That being said, I honestly am putting my faith and heart into this decision and thinking positively about it being a very good progressive step for our relationship--going ahead and not looking back.
othersideofthepillow Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 in my experiences norajane is right. when you first do it everything seems SO PERFECT. your constantly around each other and love it....however...remember what i just said...YOUR CONSTANTLY AROUND each other. this can be great!!!! but it can kill a relationship faster than anything else. i experienced the exact situations that norjane was talking about - sex on both ends began to fade do to job stress, took each other for granted, little things began to irritate the both of us (dishes werent done, trash not always empty, laundry not out of the dryer faster enough - u get my drift lol). i never pushed to live together early in our relationship....around month 7 that is....but when someone you love wants nothing more than to be with you all the time of course you want to make them happy no matter what! my advice to you is this : ACT THE SAME AS YOU DO NOW SET ASIDE TIME FOR PLAYFUL DATES AT HOME ROMANTIC DATES OUT ON THE TOWN ALWAYS...AND I MEAN ALWAYS COMMUNICATE (my ex completely shut down and shut me out before she dumped me and left) DONT SWEAT THE SMALLS THINGS.....DONT SWEAT THE SMALL THINGS!!!!! BE EQUAL WITH CHORES AROUND THE HOME DONT BE RESENTFUL IF EVERY LITTLE THINGS ISNT DONE YOUR WAY - REMEMBER BE EQUAL AND KNOW YOUR BOTH INVIDIDUALS a lot of the things i just mentioned either myself or my ex (notice i said my ex) did not follow and we are no longer together (lasted only maybe 2 months living together)....once you live together and you are no longer together it changes things drastically and they hurt A LOT more when the other person in no longer there. hopefully your situation works out completely different than mine.....I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!
Pierre Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I don't think you can say a person is absolutely not committed if she has a back-up plan. Women have to think indepedently these days so as not to get screwed over... OK, lets pretend you have a BF that wants you to move in with him, but he tells you to keep your apartment just in case it does not work. Another girl has a BF2 that wants her to move in and BF2 tells her there is no need to keep her apartment. Which BF is more committed? See the point?
FitChick Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I wouldn't live with a man unless we were engaged and had a wedding date set. I'd spend most weekends and vacations together. That would give me enough information as to whether we were compatible day to day.
Pierre Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I wouldn't live with a man unless we were engaged and had a wedding date set. I'd spend most weekends and vacations together. That would give me enough information as to whether we were compatible day to day. That makes more sense. Spending nights and weekends together should be more than enough. The issue is not cohabitation. They issue is to desire cohabitation without being committed to the cohabitation. Like----having a back up plan or a foot in the door------just in case.:sick:
pureinheart Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I will never do it again, and that is a "never" that will stand, for many reasons. Hey a quick hi to Norajane! Missed you love! You (Norajane) mentioned "playing house", I had to laugh because that is a term my dad used to use, so that stuck in my mind. Another thing that stuck in my mind was a term my exfiance's mother used, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"...I was living with my exfiance at the time and it wasn't much longer after hearing that that I moved out. I hope everything works out the way you want it to:)
Pierre Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 We have talked about one day getting married, but that's in the future. For now, we want to see how this goes first. THIS IS A TEST. You are being tested. I would be offended if my GF tested me to see if i was good enough. If things don't work out with my boyfriend, I'll be able to come back to them (if they still have a room by that time) and my boyfriend would help me find a place. This guy plans ahead because he is not sure. That being said, I honestly am putting my faith and heart into this decision and thinking positively about it being a very good progressive step for our relationship--going ahead and not looking back. You are not looking back, but your BF is looking back. Otherwise, he would give you a ring. That would imply commitment and greater certainty. As of now this is a TEST.
norajane Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hey a quick hi to Norajane! Missed you love! You (Norajane) mentioned "playing house", I had to laugh because that is a term my dad used to use, so that stuck in my mind. Another thing that stuck in my mind was a term my exfiance's mother used, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"...I was living with my exfiance at the time and it wasn't much longer after hearing that that I moved out. Hi, sweets! My ex-fiancee's mother called it "playing house" and it bugged me when she said it back then, but she sure knew what she was talking about! Smart lady. And I loathe the cow/milk expression! To me, it seems like anyone who has ever had that amazing, emotionally and intellectually intimate sex where your minds are fully engaged with each other...could never think of it in cow/milk terms. Sex is sex and sure, cow/milk, whatever. But true sexual intimacy is not even in the same...pasture. Does not apply!
Author missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I'm not even sure what I think about marriage in the first-place, so if I waited to get married in order to live together, would I ever? I have issues with marriage, and I'm a very liberal/progressive person, so the idea of waiting for marriage is crazy to me. The comment about the BF, well, my boyfriend is BF2, because he said to move out and move in with him--get rid of my apartment. I said cool, I'm ready to be done with that place anyway. It's so exciting now to be able to live our daily lives together. Weekends and vacations will still be ours, unless we want a weekend or vacation alone. Considering all the people who get married without understanding the committment, and end up divorcing fairly quickly, I would question "How do you really define committment?"
Author missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 We have talked about one day getting married, but that's in the future. For now, we want to see how this goes first. THIS IS A TEST. You are being tested. I would be offended if my GF tested me to see if i was good enough. If things don't work out with my boyfriend, I'll be able to come back to them (if they still have a room by that time) and my boyfriend would help me find a place. This guy plans ahead because he is not sure. That being said, I honestly am putting my faith and heart into this decision and thinking positively about it being a very good progressive step for our relationship--going ahead and not looking back. You are not looking back, but your BF is looking back. Otherwise, he would give you a ring. That would imply commitment and greater certainty. As of now this is a TEST. First, I am a woman. This is not a test. It's reality. I am not stupid and going to marry someone I've never lived with. I'm not conservative and that will NEVER happen in my life. When you talk about my boyfriend... do you realize that he's the one who invited me to live with him--and told me to move out of my current living situation? We're not Christian... so the whole marriage thing that people seem to keep bringing up seems rooted in some religious philosophy. For us, committment doesn't have to be veiled in some religious ceremony. For later, for legal purposes and finances, having a marriage document may be beneficial...with our businesses, but our major committments come in other forms.
Author missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Hi, sweets! And I loathe the cow/milk expression! To me, it seems like anyone who has ever had that amazing, emotionally and intellectually intimate sex where your minds are fully engaged with each other...could never think of it in cow/milk terms. Sex is sex and sure, cow/milk, whatever. But true sexual intimacy is not even in the same...pasture. Does not apply! YES, exactly. My thoughts exactly.
Pierre Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 First, I am a woman. This is not a test. It's reality. I am not stupid and going to marry someone I've never lived with. I'm not conservative and that will NEVER happen in my life. When you talk about my boyfriend... do you realize that he's the one who invited me to live with him--and told me to move out of my current living situation? We're not Christian... so the whole marriage thing that people seem to keep bringing up seems rooted in some religious philosophy. For us, committment doesn't have to be veiled in some religious ceremony. For later, for legal purposes and finances, having a marriage document may be beneficial...with our businesses, but our major committments come in other forms. I am agnostic, so my views are not colored by religion. My point is that success is related to commitment. It seems this relationship is devoid of commitment. Commitment is not related to marriage even though statistically those that want to get married show more commitment. Nevertheless, it is possible to have that commitment without marriage. I'm a very liberal/progressive person, so the idea of waiting for marriage is crazy to me. You are very wise to rationalize your position because for most men marriage is out the window.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Having done it twice--one which was good most of the time and one that quickly became stifling I think the best thing you can do is come to an understanding about expectations. I didn't do this the first time and on day two, she smiled, said good night at 9:30PM and shut the bed room door behind her to assumedly figure out what the hell I was supposed to do then. I felt like it was over just as it started. I managed to get some of what I expected though various tribulations but I never expected to feel immediately like I needed to make a date with her to get her to understand that I'm not in this to split some of the bills. The other one turned out to be so neurotic about it being "my place" where there might be specs of dust that someone else wiped off the knick-knacks, I felt invaded. One time I bumped this speaker enclosure thing I built for sound and lights in bed and some hair pins fell out on the bed. I couldn't tell you whose they were, but the freaking shi+-storm of drama that kicked up was insane. I steam-cleaned the place myself and was in no way cavalier about leaving mementos around.
Author missed_theboat Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I am agnostic, so my views are not colored by religion. My point is that success is related to commitment. It seems this relationship is devoid of commitment. Commitment is not related to marriage even though statistically those that want to get married show more commitment. Nevertheless, it is possible to have that commitment without marriage. You are very wise to rationalize your position because for most men marriage is out the window. I meant waiting until marriage to live together... But, considering you only know what I have said, you cannot assume our relationship is devoid of committment. There is nothing whatsoever in my posts that would indicate a lack of committment. You assume because I have said I may have someplace to return, that means I am anticipating not being with him? If that's the only reason you say that, we must be doing pretty well, because that's a silly reason to say we aren't committed. Other than that, yes, my man has done much for me that indicates committment. And I to him. I have shared and given him things that I have never to another person (because I believe he's the one).
Jynxx Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I wouldn't live with a man unless we were engaged and had a wedding date set. I'd spend most weekends and vacations together. That would give me enough information as to whether we were compatible day to day. I would never risk paying alimony for the rest of my life to someone that didn't want to spend a couple of months together to see if living together works out.
pureinheart Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I want to add after reading more replies to your thread...this is in reference to my exfiance and that situation. During the time I was living with my exfiance I was trying to sell my place...and in 5 mo it didn't sell (thank God). Had it sold, I would have been in a real bad situation. My place was paid off and very efficiant, and I had put a lot of money in it for upgrades. I was selling it for dirt cheap and would have never been able to find anything like it. The day I moved out of my exes place (which was a big and beautiful two story home in a very rich area) I was laid off from my job, so it was a gamble, yet ALL turned out better than great simply because I was being true to me in midst of adversity.
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