He said r'ship was 'like a second job' but he'd 'consider us in the future'?

[HappyFlower]

Hello! I've been reading a lot of these the past few weeks while dealing with the break up, and you're all very good at giving advice, so wondered if you had any for my somewhat confusing situation! (I will try and keep it short-ish!)

 

We're both 26, had been together just under a year, and were very much in love.

 

9 months into the relationship I found out his best mate is also his ex. She was in a relationship when I got together with my now-ex, but her behaviour around him and several incidents of her asking him to go out specifically without me (when I was staying with him), led me to question their past. Over 3 months, I asked him 3 times about their relationship, and he finally told me that yes, he'd slept with her and they dated for 2 weeks a few years ago. I knew he stayed friends with his exes (I choose not to), and was ok with it, but I'm livid he didn't tell me who she was at the start. That common decency, right?

 

He appologised, cried, said he'd do anything and for me to please not leave him etc. I asked him to tell her I knew, and that I wouldn't tolerate her behaviour and wouldn't be so quick to agree to him going out with her without me (I had encouraged he see his mates without me, up til then!). It took him a month to tell er, because he didn't want to upset her.

 

We fought about it for the next few months (I was also out of the country the whole time which made it even harder), and he went out with her (with others), without telling me, and then gave his number to a random woman and arranged to go for coffee with her (while I was still away). He said it wasn't an issue for him that she was a single woman asking him out, so I shouldn't have a problem with it. That became his answer for everything whenever I brought it up, that the ex 'didn't ask when I'm with you, so why do you need to know when I'm with her?'.

 

He has a new job and new house right now, so I know things are hard on him, but I'm disappointed that felt I was being so hard on him that it was 'too difficult' to work through.

 

I really think we were ment to be together, and that it was just a bump (ok, a big rock!) in the road. I also think time apart will do us good...and I want to work on things, but he thinks I'll never get over it. I'm not even sure he thinks he technically did anything wrong.

 

I'm not sure if I should be wanting him back - guys opinion? Do you think he still has a thing for the girl if he seems more worried about upsetting her than losing me?

 

Erugh its so confusing! He says he still loves me, I got the 'friends' speech that I declined...was I wrong to be upset about the ex? I love him like nothing else and I think we can work, but am I being stupid looking for a second chance?

 

xx

Edited September 20, 2011 by HappyFlower
timed out!

[flitzanu]

hate to point fingers, but you sound either:

 

1. really insecure

2. a cheater, therefore not trusting him

3. cheated on, and placing all your issues on HIM and this relationship.

 

just because a guy is best friends with a girl he dated or slept with BEFORE he dated you doesn't give YOU the right to question his loyalty.

 

sorry. yeah, rough topic. he's going to be annoyed with you because it's annoying that girls won't accept another female being friends with their "boyfriend".

[HappyFlower]

just because a guy is best friends with a girl he dated or slept with BEFORE he dated you doesn't give YOU the right to question his loyalty.

 

sorry. yeah, rough topic. he's going to be annoyed with you because it's annoying that girls won't accept another female being friends with their "boyfriend".

 

 

Yes, I was insecure about this issue - she made it obvious by her behaviour there was something else between them. I have no problem whatsoever with female friends, but I have a problem going out with an ex alone under the guise of them only ever having been a platonic friend. Its disrespectful IMO.

 

That he felt the need to repeatedly lie about her until someone else told me gives me the right to question his loyalty.

 

I would never dream of NOT telling my new bf if there was a history with a male friend, close or not, and I have never even thought about trying to 'ban' him seeing her or anything weird like that.

 

No worries, thank for the insight

Edited September 22, 2011 by HappyFlower

[flitzanu]

devil's advocate. say you and i are bff, never intimate. but no one believes you. and your boyfriend accuses you often of sleeping with "me".

 

would that piss you off?

[HappyFlower]

devil's advocate. say you and i are bff, never intimate. but no one believes you. and your boyfriend accuses you often of sleeping with "me".

 

would that piss you off?

 

Good question. Tho I never accused him of sleeping with her while we were together.

 

Would it piss me off? Honestly, yes probably.

However, if my/my friends actions were inappropriate to such a level that it caused my SO to believe something was going on even if it wasn't, I'd discuss it with him at length, not say 'it's a non-issue' and leave it at that - thats not really communication. I'd try to limit whatever the behaviour was that was making him uncomfortable. I'm not saying I'd stop seeing the friend, because that's silly, but if my SO was someone I was very serious about, I'd take a good look at my behaviour with the friend. But thats just me