jordjones Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 My story is in other posts. I was essentially dumped, and I chased for about 10 days, then rejected her request for friendship and went no contact. It has now been 60 days. In this time, I have improved myself dramatically. Most interestingly, time has shown me how I was greatly responsible for her feelings changing. I'm not beating myself up, but 60 days ago, I felt like the victim; now I have a much keener perspective. It's time for me to break no contact. Please hold off on the DON'T DO IT mantra - it's going to happen, the question is what method would be best. Yes, I have some hopes for reconciliation, but more importantly, I need to let her know that I "get it." Two months ago, I was living in a distorted reality where I was the victim. If no contact provided me with anything, it was a much clearer perspective. So, I could call, text, or email for first contact. Texting is out of the question. It wouldn't provide me with the best means to express what I need to express. I have a great email written. Everyone who has red it thinks it hits the mark perfectly and expresses what I need to say. Plus, it is controlled - what is said is prepared. But the email is a bit serious in tone, and I feel that first contact should be more light-hearted and friendly. Am I right? The phone call seems to be the riskiest option with the biggest up/downside. I'm pretty sure that she would pick up or call me back, even if I weren't to leave a voicemail. She doesn't hate me and texted me a couple of times last month about job issues (I responded, short, supportive, and not sulky) - so in some respect, I think she will feel that she owes me. Anyways, I think that this is an interesting topic, and would appreciate anyone's perspective and/or experiences. Again, please don't bombard this thread with "DON'T DO IT/NO CONTACT TILL HELL FREEZES OVER." I believe that no contact has ran its appropriate course for my healing and gaining perspective.
Author jordjones Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 would a first contact email be perceived as weak?
silly_panda Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Write that in a letter yourself and send it...
DenumChkn Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I think the fact that you are so obsessed with doing this the 'right' way and your own self-admission that you have hopes for reconciliation show that you are NOT in fact ready to make this step.. Sorry to be the naysayer. Why do you feel the NEED to let her know that you "get it"? That, at least to me, reeks of desperation and, well, NEEDINESS (I'm guessing one of the reasons she dumped you in the first place?). She has already broken NC with platonic texts, correct? This leads me to believe that you need to continue to heal to the point that you are indifferent to reconciliation, as she does not seem to have any interest in it. You already seem to have your mind made up though and every situation is different - ultimately you're the one who knows her best and can take the course of action that you believe will leave you the least vulnerable. If you feel you absolutely must make contact I would call her and not leave a voice mail if she doesn't pick up. Wait for her to call back and if she doesn't maybe try a few more times with 3-4 days of separation between each attempt - if she is not returning your calls after 2 weeks though I would let it go. Keep the conversation friendly, lighthearted and short. It is too soon to bring up the relationship and let your emotions take the conversation over, as this will probably only further solidify her decision to break up with you in her mind. Best of luck and I hope things work out!
PositiveNegative Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Well, if I were in your position (and it kinda sounds like I am). I would send the email. Texting seems just out of the question considering the informality and a call may be too much. Email seems to be the only way for you to express what you need and and also allow her to take the time to say as much or as little as she needs to. Best of luck, let us know what happens.
DenumChkn Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 girls, whether they be your ex or anyone, like confidence - e-mails reek of "im still not over you at all and thus afraid to contact you directly". not exactly the stuff confidence is made of. my 2 cents.
gbadboy Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Since you're going to contact them anyway........and are aware that you run the risk of gettin rejected ...... If you must contact them, I know the phone is the most powerful tool to use and the best way to express yourself other than face to face communication but......... I think phoning her after so long will catch her too off guard and she most likely will see your number and prob not answer it. She'll then seek advice from friends to find out if she should return your call etc. etc. - that might take a few days for her, but it will seem like WEEKS of agony for you.....It might make you wonder all sorts of things - is she ignoring me? Did the call even go through? Maybe i should call again? Did someone delete my message? etc. etc. Given the long length of time, I think an email is a powerful tool. But it has to be written properly. Don't make it too drawn out or repetive - be concsice. I would have strangers read it b/c they can offer you a non-biased opinion. At the end of the email id say something to the effect of, " no need to reply back, just absorb everything you've read and know these are my true thoughts on everything after much reflection and improvement on myself" That way, you're not sitting by your computer waiting for a reply every day.......... If she's meant to contact you back, she will. WHo knows' she might reply back and THEN you can go the telephone route. My thoughts only.
gbadboy Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 ...and yes it should be light hearted and DEFINATELY friendly. After 60 days , no one has a right to read an angry bitter email from anyone, because that will be counter to your claim that you've "improved much". At the same time, make sure your heart is speaking, if you truly love this person. I personally dont think I could break my NC, as much as I'd want to. I could only break NC if I am 1000000% over this person and I know that will never happen. Thats just me though.
Author jordjones Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 OK. I'll just post the email that I have written. My pro-con chart is making me lean towards sending the email because it a) expresses just about everything I need to say and b) puts the ball in her court. I would like to know any female perspectives on this email. Thanks. Dear xxxx, I’ve had some time to reflect. When I first told you that I loved you, my gut was telling me I was losing you and I was worried that your heart was no longer mine; you were right to be skeptical of my feelings for you, and I was wrong to tell you how I felt under those circumstances. I regret not telling you how I felt sooner, never committing myself to you formally, and putting undue pressure on you over the summer; I “get it” and will have to live with the consequences. But you must know that my love for you is most genuine – know that I love you, not because I lost you, but because my heart is with you, whether you realize it or not. I say all this not expecting to have a second opportunity with your heart; I’ve come to terms that this will probably not happen. Rather, I want you to understand how much I valued knowing you – for a period of time, you were my best friend. I want you to know that my experiences with you taught me a great deal about myself: I have a much better sense of what I value in life; recognize newfound areas where I can improve as a person; and have come to realize that I am closer than I ever thought to wanting to settle and have a family of my own. In hindsight, I am thankful that my summer overtures were unsuccessful: losing your heart has helped me improve in ways that I, in all likelihood, would not have identified or acted upon otherwise. I will love again someday and now feel able to support you in all facets of your life. If you are able to do the same, then we should reestablish contact gradually. I feel that knowing each other will prove mutually beneficial; moreover, I appreciate your presence in my life. With that said, if you don’t want this, I will understand – zero pressure. Whether we will write additional chapters or our story has come to past: I am a fan of yours; I am rooting for you; and I wish you the absolute best. Take care.
TheGrimSweeper Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 My honest opinion is not to send it. I really don't see the point. Telling someone you've accepted the breakup and no their wont be a second chance really doesn't come across as strong as acting like it.
DenumChkn Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 The ball has been in her court the whole time.. at this point she has essentially walked away with it to find another court to play on. Send the e-mail if you really must, but I think it will only serve the purpose of causing you to get your hopes back up in what is likely a futile situation. Best of luck.
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