No longer sad, now mad at ex!

[aurora19]

My ex and I were on and off for four years. Recently, (about a month ago) when I was at my lowest emotional point (just going through a hard time, feeling lonely and worthless, feeling sick) I was trying to cling on to what we had left. It was then of all times he decided once again that he needed space. Now whenever either one of us have said that in the past, it was a load of b.s. and we were together or at least talking by the next day. We always flip flopped our emotions, when he wanted to be together, I said no. And when I wanted to be with him, he said no, even if days b/f he was begging for it. Well this time there was no calls from either end and I was starting to believe I needed him more than ever and maybe I can make this work! I finally get in contact with him a week later and he had already met someone (which is very unlike him, even when we would split he would never really see anyone), days later she was his gf. Even though he said he missed me and loved me and still had hope for me, he went off and in a matter of days had a gf! (Said the same things after he got a gf!)

 

Now it's way too complicated and long of a story to go into completely, but here are the basics. We met both at vulnerable times in our lives, two days later we said "I love you" and were in a relationship. I felt like I had REALLY fallen in love for the first time and it was probably the first time I felt it truly received. We were VERY happy for about two or three months (almost married and moved in with one another, which is so against what I had believed about myself), then things just got bad! We argued all the time, purposely tried to hurt one another and change one another. There were lies, cheating, running away and break-ups and make-ups all over the place. I always dated other people during break-ups, but no one could make me want to get rid of my ex. Despite the fact that he made me unhappy and that I felt I had fallen out of love with him, I could not shake him from my life. The list of why it did not work goes on and on! Through it all I never really believed we would completely let go of one another and I of course NEVER believed he would kick me out of his life forever for another girl! He has a really hard time socializing, adjusting in life and well he just isn't very bright, I thought I was the only girl that would see past his dopey ways just b/c I had become so used to it after time. Besides he really did worship the ground I was walking on and he was damn affectionate and forgiving! Despite not being in love anymore, he gave me the attention I needed.

 

Now he is with this other girl and I am trying to be happy for him, because I did hurt him A LOT and use him and it was about damn time it ended! But I can only be angry!? He not only got up and left me with no real explanation as to what was going on or how he really felt, but he has ignored my calls and letters, all of which have been nothing but sweet and understanding. I just thought we could have good closure and be friends. I mean he was a huge part of my life for four years, I expect something from him! A letter, a phone call, a friendship!!! We always promised one another that no matter what we would always be great friends, there was just too much there to shut each other out!!

 

I can deal with the end of the relationship, but not that he can not forgive me like I have him! That we can't be mature about it and be friends! I know he is easily persuaded and I can't help, but think this girl is telling him to stay away from me! I am so angry!!!! He gives everything up for a couple weeks with some chick! I know her very well, as do many of my peers from high school and she is NO prize, believe me! We are a little confused as to what he sees in her! And I am just floored that he has totally erased me from his life, yes we had trying times, but we had a strong bond and a really wonderful friendship!

 

Has he forgotten me forever, is there ever a possibility for friendship, should I even want to be his friend (I mean he ditched me during a difficult time, emotionally and health wise), is the new gf a rebound (I mean hello, we were still saying I love you's and planning a trip everyday up until the day he met her!)? I have totally gotten over the feeling of loss and the feeling that I may have made a mistake and let the "one" go, I know that's a crock of ****, but I am still really pissed at how he handled this!!!!

 

Any advice? Any!!!???

[FolderWife]

How old are you both? You cheated on each other? It sounds like your relationship has been painful to say the least. Quite frankly, can you blame his new girlfriend if she has forbidden him to talk to you? I mean, HELLO, how many times have you two got back together? She doesn't want to be dumped!

 

I honestly think ending this relationship is the best decision he could've made! You said that you TRIED to hurt each other! That's not a good, healthy relationship.

[aurora19]

He's 25 and I'm 24. We were 21 and 20 when we began this whole thing. I certainly don't think we are too young and that was the problem, if that's what your implying.

 

I think it was due time for the end of the romantic relationship, but I do not think that means that we can not have a friendship!? Regardless of the crap, we do have a connection and care for one another somehow, at least I thought so.

 

I really do not think this new gf knows much about our relationship, so I can only see her being a jealous bitch out of insecurity. We know of one another, but we ran in different circles. Unless he was really honest with her about everything which is just a dumb move on his part b/c any girl would go nuts with crazy thoughts if she knew all we have been through and how it might affect them. i would hope he would be a bit smarter than that and spare her the insult. Regardless if I have to accept her as his present, she has to accept me as his past and the past does affect most of us more so than the present. I would hope she could be secure in herself and the relationship enough to know that it's ok for us to admit we care and be friends. I can see her being jealous though, I was always in the popular crowd and she was always an outcast of sorts. She and I look very different, as do our friends. When me and my friends walk into a room...well let's just say it generates a more positive reaction, then her and her friends. Not that looks and popularity mean **** when you love someone, but it goes way beyond that!!! Maybe he feels he has more of chance with someone like her. I never wanted to get too involved b/c (1) he was embarrassing to take out, my friends and family thought he was a dork (2) he had 10 jobs in three years and moved every 6 months b/c of unpaid bills (3) had no real friends of his own, so I was his life, that was turn off.....blah blah blah. Damn, I should be so happy this girl took him off my hands, but closure and being on good terms with people is VERY important to me. I'm sorry I hurt him, I forgive him for hurting me, I care for him deeply and want to heal the past, but making something better. Yes, I am bitter about the other women, but I can look past that if it means salvaging something!

[FolderWife]

I asked how old you were, because there's a 19 next to your name, and this all SOUNDS like High School Drama. I didn't think that people in their twenties went around cheating on each other and getting back together like that. I was wrong.

 

You are PLENTY old enough to make logical decisions when it comes to relationships.

 

You need to look at this logically. Your boyfriend is probably respecting his girlfriend, by not talking to his ex! Do you think I'd let my husband talk to an ex girfriend he had for as many years as you were together? Do you think he would do that to me? If you got a new boyfriend, and he wanted to hang out with an ex he'd been with for a bunch of years, would you be comfortable with that?

 

You are just pissed right now, because you took for granted that like every other time in your relationship, you two would just get back together like you always do. You said yourself that you figured one day you two would find someone else, but you thought it would be you first.

 

You are 24 years old. You are WAY to old to act so immature, so I know you are not a dumb kid. I know you are not immature. I don't know why you are mad at your boyfriend for moving on, and not talking to you.

 

It seems normal to me that when a couple breaks up, the stop talking. I don't care how long they've been together. They would ESPECIALLY stop having any communication with each other, if one of them found a new relationship. If his girlfriend is being an "insecure bi***" like you said, then I think she has a right! Why would she want the guy that she is working towards giving her heart to, having something to do with a woman, who

 

1. he has a history with

2. he's ditched other girls to get back with in the past

3. is obviously not good for him, and therefore probably wouldn't be good as a friend

4. is "better looking and more popular" than her

5. OBVIOUSLY WANTS HIM BACK.

6. Would probably do any slutty thing in the world to get him away from her at this point, just because she's jealous of the fact that he has her and she doesn't

 

Do you deny any of the above 6 said things? If not, then I think she has a valid reason to be "insecure".

 

Can't you just be happy for him from a distance? I believe with all of my heart that if you stay in contact with him, then you two will end up either getting back together, or sleeping together.

 

He probably knows this, and that's why he's keeping his distance.

[molly]

well, i actually have a different take on the situation as you described it. i think its perfectly natural to be feeling jilted and wounded right now, given that the two of you had an off/on relationship for 4 years and your b/f essentially jumped right into another relationship. if i were to draw from the Breakup 101 Manual, i'd point out that in fact, his initiating a relationship so quickly is much more unhealthy and destructive than you having natural, normal feelings of wanting to reestablish contact when there was obviously no closure. however, i typically don't read that manual as i find it designed for cookie cutter relationships and to be full of sanctimonious pop-psych jargon which fails to address all the complexities and nuances of these interpersonal relationships we get ourselves into. but i digress.

 

in short, i think your feelings are normal. in fact, i'd worry if you weren't having them. i'm not sure i follow this school of thought which says that once we break off a romance, we're supposed to just smother our feelings of rejection and hurt and anger and all that other stuff, in fun, feel good things like manicures and shopping sprees. this **** is about grieving. in no other grieving situation do we tell the person to "just forget about it, go buy yourself a new dress." you need to feel these things, sit with them for awhile. it sucks. but don't deny that you're feeling them. i'm actually going through a major breakup and am grieving the death of my only brother, whom i loved more than anything..all this has happened within the last 4 months. obviously i find this board helpful, and talking to friends. as far as what you "should do", i'm not sure what your choices are right now. i will disclose some of my own experiences, though i'm not sure they'll help.

 

when i was much younger, i was actually in your ex b/f's position twice, i'm sorry to say. at any rate, in the first situation, i was still pretty crazy about the guy i left to be with the second guy. the reason i left him was cos he had cheated on me and we had a stormy relationship much like the one you described. in that case, as soon as b/f #1 started begging me to come back to him and give him another chance, i did. i dumped guy #2 and went back to guy #1. within weeks of getting me back, guy #1 dumped me for another girl! the whole thing had been his elaborate way of exacting revenge on me for having gotten into another relationship. needless to say, i felt duped, and crushed.

the second situation was different. i was no longer in love with guy #1 when i left him and started it up with guy #2. soooo...when he started harrassing me to go back with him, it merely made me disenchanted with him even more. i actually alternated between pity and revulsion for him. believe me, NOBODY wants to feel pitied when it comes to this stuff. long story short, i never took him back and ended up having a relationship with guy #2. the thing is, that relationship didn't work out, and if i'm honest with myself, i admit that it probably failed because it was a rebounder. it was rebound even though i told myself i was over guy #1. truthfully, i still had a lot of unresolved issues with guy #1, even if they weren't lovey dovey issues. really, rebounds almost NEVER work.

i guess this is my long-winded way of saying that just because your b/f is seemingly in a new relationship, thats not necessarily the end of the story for you two. it all depends, and this isn't rocket science, on his feelings for you. right now it may be novel and new for him, this other girl. she's able to stroke his ego and see him in a new light. that can feel good for a minute. but that wears off rather quickly. my opinion is that if he still loves you, he'll be back. it may take a month, it may-Sadly-take a year. but he'll be back if that's what he wants. its really that simple. and who knows if you'll want him back when/if the time does come?

even though begging and pleading for second chances can work, i think its a gamble. i think your best bet is to find a good friend or two to discuss your feelings with, or this board, whatever. maybe read some books, write a little. maybe try to go out. those painful feelings aren't gonna disappear anytime soon. but you kind of need to at least go through the motions of accepting that your b/f is unavailable right now. that old adage of "faking it till you make it" has some value. good luck.

[FolderWife]

Why would you WANT to give him a month? Find a relationship that works!

[aurora19]

Thank you both for your input.

 

[color=red]In response to Monday:[/color] Ok I see that you feel my situation is rather silly or immature (I believe the same for the most part, but pain is a bitch and maturity rarely makes it's appearance when you are pissed off), but be a little careful with your words, ouch!

 

This is the very first serious relationship I have ever had! And although we have broken up time and time again and have dated others, we NEVER stopped communicating or seeing one another or telling one another that we loved each other. Four years is a long time, I mean we never went more than a week without seeing one another or a day or two without speaking to each other! It was like a drug, destructive or not, I felt I needed it! Can you imagine what it feels like to have someone so much in your life and then within a matter of a week of no contact he tells you "Hey I have a gf now, see ya later!" What the ****?!! That's hard to swallow, b/c I'm like wait we were just about to book a trip to Florida together and last week you told me you loved me! Yes, granted things were not honkey dorey, but we were in the process of trying to fix things...we were communicating more, being more honest, trying to grow up, b/c yes we were both a mess and we never seemed to get it right b/c of our lack of experience and maturity (20 and 21 is young, you start messing up there and it's all you know, it's hard to see what exactly is the proper thing to do and to reverse bad habits). We had at least come to the conclusion that no matter what, if this was going to end it had to be done the right way. We also, despite maybe feeling out of love, had that knowing smile that we cared about each other so much it hurt! We felt that at least if romance wasn't an option than friendship was a necessity!!

 

So I understand that we were not working and he has a right to have a healthy relationship with another girl and that if things are going to work between them, then he needs to respect her feelings more than mine. The point is, the thing that hurt, was that he did not give me closure!!! I got mad, he went out, found a gf and blew everything we were trying to sort out! You might think, well obviously you two were never going to let go of one another if one of you didn't pull something like that, true in some ways, but I feel I could have gone on better if he would of talked to me more about it, said I am sorry, told me nicely that we need to let go, in time we will be friends but not now. Anything, but hey I have a new chick, deal with it. I got nothing! I wrote a long ass sweet letter and made a phone call apologizing for interfering and he just does nothing!

 

I feel abandoned and confused!!

 

In response to those 6 things I agree to a point with everything, but #5 and #6! I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK, I want CLOSURE, I want my friend back!!! And no I would never do a slutty thing to get him back, it's in neither one of our nature to pull that! We weren't even having sex for a long time, b/c we didn't want it to confuse our feelings! We wanted to know we were clinging on for better reasons than the sex!

 

So yes Monday, I am being immature and the relationship for the most part was destructive, but it still hurts and regret plays with your emotions. Of course I am jealous of this women, that was my baby!!! I thought we were SLOWLY getting somewhere, so I am disappointed!!! I did think somehow, someday maybe love could be recaptured and we would grow up! I am entitled to feel sad and pissed, aren't I?

 

[color=darkblue]In response to Molly:[/color] Thank you so much, your experience really hit home and your advice is great fully appreciated! I totally believe it is a rebound relationship b/c he left our many problems hanging in the air, he believes he can smother it with this new love. The only reason I believe it will last with them is b/c well this girl strikes me as the type who was desperate to be in a relationship as was he, but he did want to work at ours b/c it was WORK! New love is much more appealing to deal with, than the ups and down of what we had! Regardless, no I do not intend to WAIT for him, I do not even want him back, but I do want my closure and my friend back! I am still angry the way I was dumped and I think after everything we have been through I deserve a decent good-bye

 

I also fully agree with you on the lame, "get a new hair do, get a new dress" bull****! I have completely allowed myself to grieve and thanks to my awesome friends and this board I have for the most part being doing better than I had thought. I have not contacted him at all! Men are coming from left and right, but I choose to be REALLY single right now and work on my self-esteem. I want to heal b/f I jump into another relationship like he has, b/c I do think it will bite him in the ass! I want to go into the next relationship knowing better and respecting my mate! If he isn't going to give me closure I have to figure it out myself! That will take a long time and a new partner doesn't deserve to deal with my baggage, another reason that I believe there will be problems in his new relationship, he never took the time to be on his own and sort out our problems and most of all his!!!

 

Of course it's normal for me to hope and think what if, but only time will tell and I ain't moping around in the meantime.

 

Thanks again!

 

P.S. Molly I am so sorry for your heartbreak and loss, if you need to talk just drop a line!

[FolderWife]

My dad did the same thing to his ex when he got with my mom. She wasn't a pretty, popular girl either. They became friends, and started hanging out. My dad would go visit his ex, in hopes that she wouldn't be home, so he could be mad at her. My dad would drive 15 minutes out of his way almost every day, so he could wave at my mom when she was on her way home.

 

Men do stuuuuuuuuupid things. My dad was with this girl for YEARS, but he just didn't mesh well with her. Then he met my mom, and started to care for her. The day that my dad kissed my mom, she told him, "Either your girlfriend or me...you can't have both." So he dumped his girlfriend. He was sad to let her go, of course, and almost went out and got drunk on the day he dumped her.

 

She called wanting him back. She wrote him sweet letters, saying that she didn't have anything against his new girlfriend, that she just wanted to talk to him.

 

He wouldn't. He cared about my mom a lot, so he wasn't about to do that to her.

 

Maybe your guy has been friends with this girl for a long time. Maybe when things started to get too close, he decided to break up with one of you, and since he thought his relationship with his new girlfriend had a better chance than his relationship with you, he chose her.

 

Maybe your ex's deal is similar to my Mom and Dad's?

[aurora19]

Could be similar situation Monday, but we were pretty open about other people in our lives. He knew her a few years back through work, but weren't really friends. He happened to run into her at a bar the night of our fight, a week later he told me they were hanging out, a few days after that they ended up in a relationship. I really don't even think they know each other very well. In fact I am sure she does not know him that well b/c I am pretty sure she wouldn't be with him! This girl comes from a religious, conservative sort of family. She was from what I remember a pretty smart student etc. My ex, as much as I loved him, really isn't very bright or rational (he has a learning disorder he never really got help for and has ADHD, but refuses to go on medication for it). When I fell in love with him, I didn't really acknowledge it b/c I was so desperate for love and your starry eyed than anyways. Over time it got to be a huge problem. Having a debate or intellectual conversation with him was impossible! My friends and family would always cock there heads to the side like "Did he just seriously say that?", it was embarrassing, but by then I was attached and I tried to look past it! Everyday life decisions were hard for him as well(holding down a job or just dealing with everyday things like a checking account etc. was a huge struggle for him), which made me doubt a healthy marriage and family! I knew in the end his "problems" would get the best of us if he kept refusing to get help. Knowing the new girl's background I find it pretty unbelievable that she knows him and is with him b/c of who he is. She is in the stage I was in the beginning and she could very well continue on the way we did with more patience! They do have the religious thing in common, that was always very much a controversy with us, I am more open-minded than he is. They both are avid church goers, so I can see why he is drawn to her and how it could work out better than we did! I can also see though how it might affect her and her family's opinion of him and a future with him b/c of his poor life choices.

 

Of course he may have finally found what he has always wanted and their relationship with each other and God could make him a stronger,more together man. That would still make me bitter though, b/c I tried so hard to support him and help him without success.

 

So in conclusion, no I do not think it was a matter of they were friends and something grew out of it. I think she sees him as the sweet, gentleman he can be and is in love with the idea of being in love! He can be very charming and to most women who are used to the many jerks out there, that makes you want to hold on even more! She has yet to get into the challenging ****!

 

P.S. I should not of torn into her b/c she's not as cute or popular, that has proven to be unimportant when it comes to love. I mean I had been with far cuter guys than my ex and everyone used to make fun of me for dating him b/c he was a nerd in his school and I still loved him!! I was just speaking out of jealousy!