Ruby Slippers Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 It means different things. He wants to try things out and see if it works. For me, cohabitation is akin to marriage. I said I had concerns and in his chipper voice he said, "If you think it's too soon, that's cool." It's great that my boyfriend is so agreeable, right? Is it normal to be that happy go lucky about major life decisions? You two are in different places and at different levels of maturity and experience. When you're in your 20s, moving in together is less of a big deal, I think. When I was younger, I took it seriously, but I always knew that if it didn't work out, I'd pick up and go, or he would. Now that I'm older, I'm more settled, and it's more of a hassle to move for many different reasons, so it's a weightier decision. I have noticed that my 26-year-old lover is much more cavalier about all kinds of big decisions and transitions -- like getting serious, him meeting my friends and me meeting his family, and so on. I think he takes these things so lightly because he doesn't have enough experience to know what all the logistical and emotional repercussions can be. One drawback to relationships with a significant age difference is that the older, more experienced person does have to "be the grownup" more often. There's just no getting around that. I think you are being very wise to slow this down. Your intuition is right on.
HappyPanda Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I agree with the seeming majority, that its good that you're listening to your intuition and are pumping the breaks on this... I think you two have not been dating long enough to know whether or not its appropriate to make that step. Call me prudish, but I consider cohabitation to be a significant move in the course of a relationship. Its the symbolism of making a conscious decision to share your entire life with someone, and to me, its not to be to be taken lightly... I mean, I think people have to hold SOME things sacred in life. For what its worth, Im your bf's age, and this is my stance. Ive been dating my boyfriend for a year and 5 months. He wants us to move in together in February of this year... and it indeed makes me nervous, but at least at this point in our game together, we have seen each other at our absolute WORST, and the fool still wants to be my roomie!
Emilia Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 That's precisely how it started. Enjoy him for what he can give. His best friend is life partners with a woman 13 years older than him. They met when he was 23. He's 38 now and he advised me to follow my heart and give it a shot. He's one of our biggest boosters. Good luck and prove me wrong
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hey Cee, I am moving in with my boyfriend of nearly 7 months this weekend. We have had rocky relationship from the start but my gut still says it's the right thing to do. I am scared and worried but excited too. It helps that he (seems) overjoyed about the move and is planning to buy a new car this weekend so that we can get around easier (he didn't own a car previously). Still, I wouldn't say that I am 100% sure about this move or that I will ever be. It's normal to have some doubts and I have contingency plans in place in case it doesn't work out (i.e other living arrangements). I have also had trouble sleeping when thinking about the move. It's normal I think, it's a big step after all. Talk with him in person about it. I have learned from my relationship that being 100% upfront about how you are feeling is the way to go.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hey Cee, I am moving in with my boyfriend of nearly 7 months this weekend. Not to thread jack - but didn't you just recently move into a house you purchased?
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Not to thread jack - but didn't you just recently move into a house you purchased? Yes, I did. I didn't plan for this to happen. Moving into his place (that he also owns and is not renting) makes more sense as it's much closer to both, his and my work place. If all goes well, I plan to rent my house out in a few months. I will leave it as a back-up for now if things go wrong. I do love my current house and part of me feels sad to leave it.
Pierre Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 The whole situation feels bigger than a schedule snafu. My boyfriend has a propensity to say Yes when he means No has gotten me thinking whether he wants the move. Maybe he agreed to the move, but doesn't necessarily want it. In an earlier conversation, he sounded passive about my move. He said "Let's try it and see what happens." That didn't inspire a lot of confidence in me. All I know is I can't move in with all these doubts. Maybe tonight we'll talk it through. You are very uncertain. If your BF was 100% committed you would not feel uncertainty. I suggest you do not move in. In the end you will feel worse and lose your dignity.
Pierre Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Ugh, we discussed the move on the phone. I said I had concerns and in his chipper voice he said, "If you think it's too soon, that's cool." ( I knew he was not committed at all. Why is this so difficult for you to see. Please don't move in. Date and enjoy him and keep your dignity and independence.
Kamille Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Questions: how did you end up discussing this over the phone? And you might have answered already, but who first brought up moving in together and why? I'm getting the impression both of you are skirting around the other. Who knows why he said "it's cool" if you don't want to move in. It could be because he's also hesitant or it could be because he doesn't want to impose anything on you. You yourself have questioned the line between being easy-going and not asserting yourself. Could he simply be doing the same thing? I guess I'm just not seeing the same dynamic everyone else is. I see two people who are so passive, so keen on letting things flow that they don't know how to discuss issues without sugar-coating their own opinions under an air of nonchalance. As a aside, I brought up passive-aggression because unilateral decision-making is a hallmark of passive-aggressive behavior. We struggle to assert ourselves, we constantly try to guess what others want, so often we'll make decisions without consulting others or informing them when they do things that hurt us. The aggressive part of the passive-aggressive doesn't have to be someone who lashes out. It can be someone who pushes people away without giving them a chance to explain.
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Was he emailing you to tell you that he would be away for the weekend, meaning that you wouldn't be able to move in after all? I think he may have accepted the invitation for the trip as an "out" of having you move in...do you accept this? Also, you are a serious couple, so why were you not invited on the trip with his dad? I hope you don't have a lease running out or something....
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I don't believe that Cee's dignity and self respect are at risk here, now.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Was he emailing you to tell you that he would be away for the weekend, meaning that you wouldn't be able to move in after all? I think he may have accepted the invitation for the trip as an "out" of having you move in...do you accept this? I HOPE she doesn't "accept" this! I think Cee is in a pretty healthy, mutually respectful relationship where the guy will actually TELL her if he really doesn't want her to move in. Also, you are a serious couple, so why were you not invited on the trip with his dad? Is it news to you that people who are in "serious" relationships, including marriages, go on trips with their parents, sometimes friends, other people even, WITHOUT THEIR PARTNER, and all is just fine? I think that Cee has been very open and honest about her relationship here on LS, so I am feeling a little defensive on her behalf when it seems that people are looking for little soft spots to place a jab.
Hot Chick Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I wasn't jabbing or anything. It does seem as if he went on a trip as an "out" to the move-in day. He seems really ambivalent at most.
Leigh 87 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I am going to tell u how I handled it totally differently. You gave it a lot of consideration, where as my boyfriend and I didn't think. We just do what we feel like, and if things fall through so be it. We had only been together a few months, I had a lot of issues to work through, but I still moved in to his place. Because we wanted to be with each other every day. Don't get me wrong. I am an articulate and intelligent person. My partner and I are just young and crazy and take risks. We know things may not work out, by acting on impulses. We are prepared to move on and deal with any adverse consequences:) I thought you would appreciate a different perspective regarding your issues on moving in. We just did it because we felt like it. Not because we gave it much thought. We just did what we felt like. Not the way most people make desisions, but it works for us so far. Best of luck to you. Waking up next to the personyou love, and falling asleep with them every night, makes you as close as two p eople possibly can be. It is the best. Feeling. Ever.
Pierre Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I don't believe that Cee's dignity and self respect are at risk here, now. Wait till she has to pack her bags and leave the home of the younger stud. But she is already in a weak position.
Leigh 87 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Chaucer - People ARE so annoying here, how they try to find things to fault on relationships! Any little thing they can critique, they WILL. Heck, people have a go at peoples lack of spelling/grammar. People should get a life and not waste energy picking on people. Unless, of course, the relationship or predicament of a person NEEDS a harsh reality check. Unfortunately, people pick any little thing, as though they are LOOKING to be negative and bitchy. Not always the nicest community here, although there are some wonderfully kind, peaceful, and supportive people:)
ja123 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Don't move in! It's just going to be headaches and upset. You've only known him since January and it's way too soon IMO. I'm not sure it's even a good idea to be serious about this guy. Date him, have fun with him, but if you're looking for something serious then I think you might be barking up the wrong tree.
Author Cee Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Here's the final decision (for now). He wants me to move in, but respects my doubts. We decided that the move is postponed until whenever. The discussion was pretty relaxed and happened on the subway. I am amazed that our big talks are fairly brief. In my 20s, I could have talks that lasted for hours. This was maybe 20 minutes, but I was satisfied that every concern was aired. In the end, there is nothing for either of us to do but carry on and see how things progress. I know the age difference has made us an "improbable" relationship, but I cannot sabotage this by imposing reasons for it to fail. I am carrying on with the hope that we have a fighting chance, just like other couples. After our discussion, we came back to my place and were relaxed and normal. We talked about everyday stuff, had sexytime, and now he's on 4 chan & I'm on LS. I appreciate the feedback in the thread. It helped me focus my thoughts for the discussion. So no moving in, but perhaps in the future.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Here's the final decision (for now). He wants me to move in, but respects my doubts. We decided that the move is postponed until whenever. The discussion was pretty relaxed and happened on the subway. I am amazed that our big talks are fairly brief. In my 20s, I could have talks that lasted for hours. This was maybe 20 minutes, but I was satisfied that every concern was aired. In the end, there is nothing for either of us to do but carry on and see how things progress. I know the age difference has made us an "improbable" relationship, but I cannot sabotage this by imposing reasons for it to fail. I am carrying on with the hope that we have a fighting chance, just like other couples. After our discussion, we came back to my place and were relaxed and normal. We talked about everyday stuff, had sexytime, and now he's on 4 chan & I'm on LS. I appreciate the feedback in the thread. It helped me focus my thoughts for the discussion. So no moving in, but perhaps in the future. Sounds like you handled this perfectly. I totally agree with you that this relationship stands as much chance for success as any other. In fact, it already is successful, and that will probably be true no matter how long it lasts.
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