Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I was supposed to move in with my boyfriend at the end of October. I would say I feel 90% sure about taking that step with him. But apparently the 10% is a noisy part of myself and wouldn't pipe down with worry and anxiety. I need to be almost 100% about this. And he's been a little too laid back to allay my worries. I appreciate that he's not worried, but I don't feel comforted by what he says. The trigger for my decision was last night he emailed saying he's going to be on a trip with his Dad the weekend of the move. The trip was already planned on another weekend, but got pushed. I wasn't surprised about the schedule conflict. He often says yes to everybody and then needs to cancel on plans. But it happening on move-in weekend is a red flag that the move isn't supposed to happen. At least not now. I'll talk to him before I make the final decision, but I know he'll go with what I want. So right now I'm trying to discern what I want so we can have a good talk. I have many questions about how a person knows each party is truly ready for moving in. I have never taken this step in a deliberate way. I only lived with one man and it was a foolish and impulsive decision. For those who will ask: We've been together since January. And he's in his mid-twenties and I'm *cough* considerably older than him.
xxoo Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Why do you want to move in together? Why does he want to move in together? Thats a good place to start His habit of saying yes and canceling on people--how large an issue is this? Does he frequently disappoint you to avoid disappointing others (his Dad, for example)? I've noticed that people who have not yet grown a backbone often find it easier to let down their partner than their friends, parents, employer, etc. Is there an immaturity issue?
Els Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hey, Cee, This situation seems a little puzzling to me, tbh. In the first place, I don't think anyone is ever 100% sure about things like moving in together. Or at least not anyone with a logical brain in their head. However, delaying a move never really hurts either, since it's far easier to move in together in the future than to move out once you've moved in together. And January is really quite soon.. for me, at least. But regardless of all of the above, why are you basing your decision based on a schedule conflict?! I mean, sure, if the persistent schedule conflict is an issue, you should talk to him about it, but why does it appear to be the sole arbiter of your decision? ie you would have moved in with him had he not had plans on that day?? That seems a really, really weird way of making a decision to me. What if he cancels on his plans then? Are you going to move in with him in that case?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 His habit of saying yes and canceling on people--how large an issue is this? Does he frequently disappoint you to avoid disappointing others (his Dad, for example)? I've noticed that people who have not yet grown a backbone often find it easier to let down their partner than their friends, parents, employer, etc. Is there an immaturity issue? I was with a people pleaser like this in my 20s, and it ended up causing major problems down the line, and being one of the major factors in my decision to leave. I'm not saying that will be the case with you -- just mentioning it because, in my experience, it can be a very big deal and I think you're totally justified in feeling concerned. I would also feel doubtful about my boyfriend going on a trip the weekend we had planned to move in together. As I see it, this should be a priority that trumps any other plans, and someone with clear priorities for himself would have no problem making that clear to anyone and declining other invitations. And I agree that moving in after 8 months is really fast. Personally, I have always waited at least a year.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Maybe there are two different things to consider here (if not more). As others have brought up, is the "people pleasing" trait and behavior an issue for you? Do you think that you, as his partner will typically be on the negative side of his need to accommodate for others? If so, do you need to address this for the good of your relationship? Second: What have your hesitations been about making this move? I'm getting that you've had some, and that this change of plans on his part pushed you into the "not ready" zone. I also would like to know whether you are angry at all. I think I would be. I would want my boyfriend to be there, helping me to get settled. And I would not like that a big deal like me moving in was not a big deal to him. But as I was writing that ... I remembered that I was not home when my own partner moved into my place! It wasn't due to a change of plans, though. I had planned to be gone that weekend, and it was about the only time that he knew he would NOT be gone, so that's when he moved in. I easily could have foregone my other plans, though; it was just my consuming "hobby" which takes up almost every weekend at certain times of the year. I did not. So who am I to talk. Cee, you are probably a more logical and measured person than I am. When S and I decided to cohabit, it was not very thought out or considered at all. I wouldn't say that it was impulsive, though. It was based upon intuition on both of our parts, and the message we were getting was just a big YES. We did have blatant "technical" reasons, too; he works on the road and was home infrequently. When he was home, he NEVER stayed at his own place. Meanwhile, I lived on a giant farm by myself. Obviously, he needed to just have this be home for him too. I think one of the "issues" is that moving in is significant of much more than cohabiting. What do the two of you speak about when the subject is the fairly distant future? Do you feel sure (I realize that there is only so "sure" one can feel) that you two will be together in 10 years? Are you planning to live together because you will enjoy that now, or is it a step towards a shared longterm future?
Author Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Just curious Cee. When he agreed to other plans the weekend of the move, were you angry? You just sound sorta resigned ... You all are very perceptive. You are right that I wasn't angry. I know him so well that I understood. He's a people pleaser and doesn't like to do anything that conflicts with others. In the case, he would rather say yes to his dad with their special trip than explain to his father about the move. I'm not angry, but I am disturbed. His people pleasing worries me. If he's pleasing his dad, maybe he's also doing the same with me. He's too agreeable with me about things. I'm starting to distrust that. I still love him and want to continue with this relationship. But we have some sorting out to do. I see him tonight and we are supposed to talk about the move. I'll be curious about how this plays out.
Author Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 What have your hesitations been about making this move? I'm getting that you've had some, and that this change of plans on his part pushed you into the "not ready" zone. Cee, you are probably a more logical and measured person than I am. When S and I decided to cohabit, it was not very thought out or considered at all. I wouldn't say that it was impulsive, though. It was based upon intuition on both of our parts, and the message we were getting was just a big YES. We did have blatant "technical" reasons, too; he works on the road and was home infrequently. When he was home, he NEVER stayed at his own place. Meanwhile, I lived on a giant farm by myself. Obviously, he needed to just have this be home for him too. I think one of the "issues" is that moving in is significant of much more than cohabiting. What do the two of you speak about when the subject is the fairly distant future? Do you feel sure (I realize that there is only so "sure" one can feel) that you two will be together in 10 years? Are you planning to live together because you will enjoy that now, or is it a step towards a shared longterm future? Mme. Chaucer, you are so wise. I have had this persistent hesitation about the move. I want it to be a big YES instead of a maybe. Neither of us are in the intuitive big yes stage. I think we need more time to get there. Or not get there. I'm being practical and reasoned which is not how I usually operate. This sounds old fashioned, but I want a move to have meaning. I want it to mean that we are committed to a long-term future. He's a bit too laid back about this and I'm wondering if it means he's placating me rather than sharing any doubts he has about us.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 This sounds old fashioned, but I want a move to have meaning. I want it to mean that we are committed to a long-term future. He's a bit too laid back about this and I'm wondering if it means he's placating me rather than sharing any doubts he has about us. How was the idea to move in together brought up?
Kamille Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) If the choices are: 1) Moving in without saying anything or 2) Not moving in I choose 3) None of the above. I understand you're not angry - just "disturbed". But doesn't he have a right to know how his behavior is making you question something as important as moving in together before you actually make the decision? What stopped you from discussing it prior to making up your mind? Where's the line between accepting a partner as he is and speaking up when something he does actually affects you? Or, put another way, is this you being passive-aggressive when you could be assertive? (And I ask the question never having thought of you as someone who is passive agressive ; and as someone who struggles with passive-aggression myself.) Edited September 20, 2011 by Kamille
Calutaxi484 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I think if something like this is a deal breaker, you were truly much more unsure then you let on. I've moved serveral times and the moving part only takes a day. If he's going away with his dad on Friday and Saturday, he might have figured Sunday was still enough time to get you moved in. My perspective on this might be a little different. My dad is 61 ( and already lived 6 years longer then my grandfather) so if we have a chance to do something I do it. Realizing that he very well may not be around that much longer.
Kamille Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Where's the line between accepting a partner as he is and speaking up when something he does actually affects you and the relationship you're building together? Amended to add.
Author Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 If the choices are: 1) Moving in without saying anything or 2) Not moving in I choose 3) None of the above. I understand you're not angry - just "disturbed". But doesn't he have a right to know how his behavior is making you question something as important as moving in together before you actually make the decision? What stopped you from discussing it prior to making up your mind? Where's the line between accepting a partner as he is and speaking up when something he does actually affects you? Or, put another way, is this you being passive-aggressive when you could be assertive? (And I ask the question never having thought of you as someone who is passive agressive ; and as someone who struggles with passive-aggression myself.) We are having the discussion tonight. Last night, he told me via email (not cool) that he'd be away the weekend I was supposed to move. He said we'd discuss it in person. And he gave no further info. Obviously, I was irked that I got an email instead of a phone call, but I let it go. (Translation: I chickened out and avoided confrontation) I must have been thinking about it in my sleep because I woke up at 5 am and had decided the course of action. I listened to myself at 5 am because my decision seemed so clear. And now it's the afternoon and I'm not so sure. I don't know what will happen, but whenever I talk with him, we work things out. I don't think of myself as passive-aggressive, but I am passive. So often, when something happens I don't get upset and turn it onto myself. I take way too much responsibility for things, which is exhausting. I don't really know the boundary between doormat and being easy going. It is hard for me to be assertive because I feel like I must be confident and certain. And I'm not like that - I see shades of gray everywhere. To be honest, I hope that our discussion tonight comes to a different conclusion than the ones I draw in my own head. One of the great things about us is I often run to a pessimistic conclusion. And then when I talk to him, I see a different perspective. I appreciate the feedback. It's been a great help.
Nexus One Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 If it's merely a schedule technicality, can't you then just move in the next weekend after his trip? Or are your worries beyond just the schedule?
Author Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 If it's merely a schedule technicality, can't you then just move in the next weekend after his trip? Or are your worries beyond just the schedule? The whole situation feels bigger than a schedule snafu. My boyfriend has a propensity to say Yes when he means No has gotten me thinking whether he wants the move. Maybe he agreed to the move, but doesn't necessarily want it. In an earlier conversation, he sounded passive about my move. He said "Let's try it and see what happens." That didn't inspire a lot of confidence in me. All I know is I can't move in with all these doubts. Maybe tonight we'll talk it through.
OliveOyl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I think those early morning intuitions should often be taken seriously. I remember struggling with a certain issue and suddenly waking up with "the answer" which back then wasn't obvious but now is obvious it was the right answer. I think logic has to be balanced with intuition which it sounds like you're doing. Personally, I don't think moving in after 8 months is always too soon but here is the thing: the "moving in" decision is not really logical anyway. It can't ever be, there are too many unknowns. Making it about the fact that a certain amount of time has passed is just as unwise as deciding to move in to save money for rent. The decision is mostly based on emotion and intuition. So I think you are very wise listen to your intuition. It's wise to figure out what moving in really means to you, beyond the day-to-day changes. For me, I know that if I ever moved in with my BF it would mean I would never want to move out... for me it would mean a huge step forward and making the decision that I want him to be "it" for the rest of my life....almost as serious as marriage. What would it mean for you? Is it the same as what it would mean for him?
torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 You all are very perceptive. You are right that I wasn't angry. I know him so well that I understood. He's a people pleaser and doesn't like to do anything that conflicts with others. In the case, he would rather say yes to his dad with their special trip than explain to his father about the move. I'm not angry, but I am disturbed. His people pleasing worries me. If he's pleasing his dad, maybe he's also doing the same with me. He's too agreeable with me about things. I'm starting to distrust that. I still love him and want to continue with this relationship. But we have some sorting out to do. I see him tonight and we are supposed to talk about the move. I'll be curious about how this plays out. This is legitimate. My ex was a people pleaser and we frequently got into this sort of conflict. He would also always put his family first. I think it might be partly immaturity. People can learn to be more assertive but it takes work.
torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He's a bit too laid back about this and I'm wondering if it means he's placating me rather than sharing any doubts he has about us. Also seems reasonable. It's hard to fully trust somebody who doesn't seem fully in touch with what they want because they are always focused on the needs of others. It's good that you've identified this. You guys should definitely have a talk.
Author Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 What would it mean for you? Is it the same as what it would mean for him? It means different things. He wants to try things out and see if it works. For me, cohabitation is akin to marriage. I guess that's why I have so much angst over it and he is relaxed. But I think my way is more sensible. Going blithely into co-habitation seems risky to me. I veer back and forth on the decision, but my gut says wait. No harm in waiting.
torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Have you met his family? What is his relationship with each of his parents like? Does he take a very passive role? Are they needy or do they place a lot of demands on him?
torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 It means different things. He wants to try things out and see if it works. For me, cohabitation is akin to marriage. I guess that's why I have so much angst over it and he is relaxed. But I think my way is more sensible. Going blithely into co-habitation seems risky to me. I veer back and forth on the decision, but my gut says wait. No harm in waiting. I think you made the right choice in waiting. I'd be having similar concerns to yours. I don't like that he casually mentioned the change of plans in an email. Whose idea was it to move in? Do you feel like he's as serious about the relationship as you? Has he said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, etc.?
Emilia Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I'm going to be brutally honest because you are a similar age as I am Cee and I have dated men around your boyfriend's age: you know it won't last. Move in with him and enjoy him while you can because the process of your recognising his lack of maturity has already started. He is still a boy but he loves you and that's all that matters. Don't analyse it to death and dissect it with the amateur psychologists here. Spend time with him while you can. He won't be around forever. Take it from someone who knows what this is like
Author Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Ugh, we discussed the move on the phone. I said I had concerns and in his chipper voice he said, "If you think it's too soon, that's cool." It's great that my boyfriend is so agreeable, right? Is it normal to be that happy go lucky about major life decisions? Am I the one with the problem to doubt his good will? I told him I wanted to talk later tonight. But I don't even know what to say.
Author Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I'm going to be brutally honest because you are a similar age as I am Cee and I have dated men around your boyfriend's age: you know it won't last. Move in with him and enjoy him while you can because the process of your recognising his lack of maturity has already started. He is still a boy but he loves you and that's all that matters. Don't analyse it to death and dissect it with the amateur psychologists here. Spend time with him while you can. He won't be around forever. Take it from someone who knows what this is like That's precisely how it started. Enjoy him for what he can give. His best friend is life partners with a woman 13 years older than him. They met when he was 23. He's 38 now and he advised me to follow my heart and give it a shot. He's one of our biggest boosters.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I don't have any advice. Just wanted to say that Cee, when you wished me and FL well yesterday, I looked at your profile. Holy smokes are you beautiful. Best wishes whatever you do, I hope you make the right move and this guy is good for you.
torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Ugh, we discussed the move on the phone. I said I had concerns and in his chipper voice he said, "If you think it's too soon, that's cool." It's great that my boyfriend is so agreeable, right? Is it normal to be that happy go lucky about major life decisions? Am I the one with the problem to doubt his good will? I told him I wanted to talk later tonight. But I don't even know what to say. No, you're not being unreasonable. HIs nonchalant reaction would bother me too, and makes it sound as if he wasn't that invested in you moving in to begin with.
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