Coping with Break up of Long-Distance, still love, but not speaking.

[ConfusionIlusion]

Not sure where to begin or how to refrain from writing a never ending ramble of the background of my situation so I'll try to be brief but bear with me if I'm not.

 

I'm in my late 20's and was introduced by a mutual friend to a guy she knew through other friends. He's french, and had been living in the states for a while which is how he got to know them. He ended up moving back to france for a while. She introduced us via online means mostly in a joking manner and in a friendly way, but long story short we ended up liking each other and speaking quite intensely for 3 months or so before meeting in person when he came back to my hometown for a visit with friends. We hit it off amazingly well in person and you could see he fell for me hard. Maybe it's just a french way of doing things, but literally he was professing to being in love with me by our third official month of dating. I'm not one to fall in love easily, let alone admit to it, but I let down my guard and admitted I really cared for him and let myself enjoy the feeling of...well, being in love.

 

Long distance is difficult but we managed to keep it going for almost a year, visiting each other in person every 10 weeks or so, and speaking every single day with nary a day missed, often for hours at a time despite the time difference, on video chats and the like. I'd get loving cute emails in the morning when I woke up, sporadic messages telling me he loved me, and aside from the distance it was amazing. His friends he'd known for years told me they'd never seen him as happy as he seemed while we dated, and our friends soon became jokingly sick of our mushy gushy photos together on facebook.

 

Now, granted, long distance dating is a bit different and I'm fully aware of this. There's a lot of stress involved, and you don't have the pleasure of being able to take a couple days break, then see each other regularly, and basically build up the relationship slowly like if you live in the same city. It's a whirlwind sometimes whereupon you go from being apart for 2-3 months, to basically living together for 2-3 weeks when you do see each other. We never really had problems, though we would have small spats once in a while it was nothing I felt was serious. We'd have a blow up when we'd see each other maybe one time over something stupid, usually a miscommunication, and then it would blow over and I'd forget about it.

 

I knew he wasn't very good at conflict, and at times I felt maybe I was being too passive aggressive with him about some things, but nothing I felt were not growing pains of any relationship, let alone one with the stress of distance, and I guess I was always the one who felt communication was the key to fixing issues. He's not very good at that tho and avoids conflict like the plague. I don't think I ever realised how bad it was until my last trip to visit him in Paris. Things went perfectly for the two weeks I was there for the most part, and he even took me to meet his whole family and stay at his parents house for the weekend, and then on my last day , literally six hours before my flight home we got into another stupid fight over basically nothing, another stupid miscommunication, I started crying, I pushed him away when he tried to hug me because I got angry that instead of trying to talk it out he just wanted to hug and forget about it , and that motion of pushing him away just changed the whole expression on his face. Long story short, he broke up with me out of no where. LIterally, this was maybe an hour or two after we'd been laying in bed with him telling me how madly in love with me he was. It flipped on a dime. Obviously some things over the course of the relationship bothered him, and maybe the distance started to get to him, and maybe all those little things blew up at that moment, but honestly I couldn't tell you why we broke up because to this day Im not sure. Ive gone over the implicit details with friends over and over and no one can seem to discern why this happened. I don't think he knows why he did it. After crying for several hours begging him to reconsider what he was doing I gave up and lay on his bed waiting for my cab to the airport. He'd lain there next to me looking sad, intermittently tearing up, stroking my hair and otherwise stayling silent. He walked me to my taxi and started crying when he put me in as I stood there like a statue, not hugging him back , now knowing what to say.

 

I'm not really here to get opinions on why anyone thinks we broke up, because I haven't got the inclination, energy or time to write every single detail of our relationship leading up to our break up, and certainly if myself and all his friends can't figure out why we broke up I doubt any one on here could do it without knowing either of us or the details of what happened , and that's not anything I can easily put into words without going on for a novel.

 

I guess my real reason for posting here, besides a bit of venting, is to gather opinions on perhaps the best way to approach it at this point.

 

I haven't said a word to him in two months since we broke up. He sent me a happy birthday message, his only contact since our break up, which I did not respond to. When we broke up he'd said he needed to not speak to me for a while to help him "get over" me, whatever that means, which I thought was ridiculous that if you still love me, have no real reason to break up with me, and can't seem to get over me if you still speak to me, maybe we shouldnt break up, But that's by the by.

 

So since his request that we take time apart not to speak, I've fully honoured this and said not a word to him. He however, as I said, sent me a message on my birthday , which I ignored. Not to be a b*tch per say, but I really didn't know what to say. We've de-friended each other on facebook, but we have mutual friends a plenty so its not like he can totally put me out of his mind (and vice versa). He still pops up on my gmail chat list, and if I know him like I think I do (which is fairly well) he sits and stares at my name on that list just as much as I stare at his, but both of us are either unwilling or unsure how to make contact again.

 

While I've gotten better (eg- I can function instead of sitting home crying hysterically all day) still not a day goes by that I dont think about him. Im pretty sure he thinks about me too, but I cant know what he's thinking because we're both being stubborn and not making the effort to re-establish communication, which is something he said he wanted again in the future, and when I'd gotten in the cab he'd blurted out that if we lived in the same city again maybe it would be easier to try again. The funny thing is that I recently started school again for the first time in years, and I had to move halfway around the world for that, and while I'm not in france, I am a lot closer to him now than I used to be so visiting each other would have been pretty easy nowadays. I have daily fantasies of going to france to just go speak to him in person, but then I don't know what i'd say, and I get terrified that it can either go great and the way I envision (meaning we have a good talk and either get back together or at least get on good speaking terms to lead back to that), or it goes horribly wrong and I come back more destroyed than i was the first time we broke up.

 

Honestly at this point I dont know which way it would go. He's the type who won't make a move on speaking if he thinks Im still pissed at him, and since Ive ignored him the last two montsh there's no reason for him to think Im anything but angry at him (which I am sometimes, but I still miss him a lot). He has his own emotional issues, and used to say he just wasn't happy with himself, which I guess is something I can't fix, but you'd think that when a person tells you that they feel happy when they are with you, as he said to me, that they'd not throw away the one thing in their life that they claimed was making them happy at any point.

 

I suppose my main agenda here is to get opinions and advice on when and how would be the best way to contact him again. It's been two months of no speaking. Is it too early? I keep thinking, maybe I'll wait until the end of the year and send him a birthday message. Then I wonder if I should make the grand notion of going to paris to see him directly. Then I wonder if I should call. In all cases I'm never quite sure how to approach or what to say.

 

Deep in my heart I believe we are meant for each other, despite our issues, but I know the distance made things difficult. I know that at this point we'd be able to do it better this time around but I just don't know what to do. If he wanted to just be rid of me he'd have blocked me from view on his facebook, his gmail chats, and etc, but he hasnt. When our mutual friend writes something about me on her facebook status, he likes it, and knows I can see that.

 

I miss him horribly but I don't want to jump the gun by trying to communicate again too soon, or to seem to eager. I've learned from experience that men have a habit of realising what they want (and what they have) when they can't have it or when they are being ignored. I don't want to play games, and don't like playing them, but let's be honest.....love is all a bit of a chess game and everyone is always waiting to see what the person's next move is before they start risking the important pieces. He and I have thrown a pawn or two into the mix but no one has made a fervent stance.

 

Am I making sense? Maybe not. I hope something has been able to discern some sense from my ramblings in order to provide me with some constructive advice.

 

And please, I know I'm new here on posting, but I've read plenty and I'm asking for negativity to stay out of the mix....had enough of that lately, and am just looking for constructive opinions and advice. Blurting out "he doesn't want you" doesn't help, and frankly that's not what I'm asking.

 

Thanks in advance to anyone who has anything to input.

 

PS- I know Illusion is misspelled in my name. Typo. My bad.

[ConfusionIlusion]

No one has any advice?? :-(

[GaHeartbroken]

I am sorry that this break-up happened to you I am going through dealing with a LDR break-up right now myself. It is very difficult and sometimes unbearable.

 

Maybe the birthday card he send you was his way of breaking the no-contact. I do not totally know, because I do not know what it said. If it was just general and did not give you any hint of him wanting you to respond, maybe he was just trying to be friendly.

 

It looks to me that he could not handle dealing with the distance anymore, as he told you about living in the same city. Was there a time-line for living in the same place in order to be together eventually? Or was it open-ended? Long-term LDR's especially need to know when the goal is going to be achieved. I went through a four year distance relationship as friends, and then dating for four years after finally meeting; it was opened ended in time-line and that finally did the relationship in.

 

I know how difficult and heart-wretching it can be, to visit somebody and things be going so well, and then boom the person breaks up with you. Mine did not even do it in person (even though I got a hint that things were not going so well during the visit, but then they improved), she then waited nine days after I got home to finally break-up, after having led me on- kissing me goodbye, saying she couldn't wait to see me again.

 

No contact may be the best thing to continue to do, until he contacts you. Please do not live waiting around - better yourself (learn something new), stay busy, surround yourself with friends, live your life like he is not coming back (yes, I know that is not what you want), but whether he contacts you or not you will have bettered yourself- for him, or for a future relationship, or just to enjoy life better.

 

Good luck to you! Hang in there, and keep your head-up! All of us here will eventually get through everything we are dealing with- and you will too!

Edited September 22, 2011 by GaHeartbroken

[ludovico]

sorry to hear about your situation - I've been going through a LDR break-up so here's my advice...

 

#1 - as much as you'd like to believe that he's "the one", "the one" won't bail on you when things get rough. yes LDR can be tough, and sure, maybe resolve fades as time goes by - but at the same time, he ditched you once, and if you come crawling back you are giving him a free pass to do it again... can you even trust that he won't bail on you in the future if something heavy comes up again?

 

#2 - you said love is a bit like a chess game - TRUE love, is not - true love is when you fully accept the other person, flaws and all, and work with them to help the relationship succeed. it's not about playing games - that's all the dating BS that goes on

 

#3 - you said he was not good at conflict and would avoid it like the plague - to me, this is a huge red flag, because it shows that the person isn't emotionally mature and willing to work on resolving issues in the relationship - the only thing that will happen is the issues will fester and all that bottled up resentment/miscommunication will blow up one day - my ex was exactly the same - when things got tough, she shut down...

 

I know how tough it is - I've been recuperating for 20 months since being dumped after 5+ years of LDR and I'm still not over it...

 

I know how you feel like they are the only one for you and that maybe there is a chance for reconciliation...

 

3 years into my relationship, my ex dumped me, only to come back after 6 months and ask me to take her back, which I did - and then 2 years later, she dumped me again...

 

I think that it is obvious that I was way more committed to us than she was - but you can't change a person - you can't make him magically want to start up with you again...

 

With LDR there are so many emotions and it is nearly impossible to make it work. Maybe down the line you and your ex will become friendly again, and maybe you can somehow make it work, but if you want my two cents, you should focus on yourself, and when you have fully gotten over the relationship you can find someone that is local and hopefully they will be the right one

 

I would stay away from your ex - as he did the dumping. I went no contact with my ex, but was weak and I ended up breaking it because I missed her - she then got downright nasty/abusive towards me and that's how things were left between us... and there is no way in hell I will ever contact her again after that... which might have been her intent for all i know... or maybe she just wanted me to react so that i would still be in her life, even if it is in a negative way...

 

but no matter how much I want to try to get my point of view across or how much I want to retaliate and destroy her - in the end, its futile - there's no point and it just shows how emotionally immature she is...

 

It's kinda like picking a scab - you really want to, but you know you have to just let it be... if he really REALLY wants you, he will find you...

 

Stay strong!

Edited September 22, 2011 by ludovico