In love with my best friend, he and his wife both know

[saloli]

I'm in love with my dearest and closest friend. I know he loves me on some level but doesn’t say he is in love with me, so I just keep hoping. Oh yeah, he's also getting married in two weeks, and they're trying to have a baby. I know the wife too, and she knows all about my feelings for him. He, the man I’m in love with, is also my one and only heir in my will, so he'll get my house and land and life insurance. So, I'm hoping that he will soon let the physical intimacy barrier down. It is definitely complicated. Both he and his soon to be wife know that I am hoping for a polyamorous type relationship wherein he has a wife and a husband (me). And we can form a family together. I believe that mainly he just can’t get passed certain things physically. The wife is bisexual, or at least she was always with women before meeting him.

He’s 36, I'm 40, and his soon to be wife is 38. He is a psychotherapist of all things. We have done a lot of intense spiritual work together, in other things in life, beliefs, likes, dislikes, we're a perfect match. Even his fiancée has commented on how spooky it is that we are so much alike and seem to have such a strong spiritual connection. Bryan and I have both consistently spoken to each other about this wonderful connection, even a spiritual level that we feel with each other. So, the relationship has been intense anyway.

 

There has never even been so much as a kiss, but we hug all the time, not the way two male friends typically hug, but deep, longish hugs, I rub his back and even stroke his hair while I hug him. Very often, he initiates the hugs.

 

A few weeks ago, we sat and had a very long talk. I know he already knew everything, but it had yet to be spoken. So, I told him that I was in love with him and that I will love him no matter what, but that I would never stop wanting to be with him and wanting more physical intimacy with him, etc. Then I gave him copies of legal documents showing him as my health care power of attorney as well as the only heir to my will (he'll get my house and land), and then there is also a life insurance policy. He was pretty overwhelmed by all that, and all he has said is that we will have to talk about all that again.

 

Regarding intimacy, he did say that there could be no sexual relationship, and I told him that I would never stop wanting that. So, that's sort of where things sit now. So, I think most men, straight or not, would not continue this relationship if he didn't feel something, especially knowing that it hurts me like hell not having that with him and that will never go away until he and I do have that intimacy. but anyway.... one of the interesting things is that he said he felt like he would need to pull back on the hugging even, but what has happened is the opposite. The hugging has actually increased as well as the intensity of our spiritual work together having intensified.

 

He also asked me what my sister thinks of all of this and said he wants to talk to her about it. And he asked what my parents had to say (that after I gave him a key to my house). So, he can talk to my sister whenever he wants. This week, I told my mom everything, she already knew anyway. And she is totally OK with it. That surprised me since my mom knows that my friend is about to be married, they're trying to have a baby, and I'm hoping to be with my friend as a male mate since he has a female one. I don’t think he has ever been with a man before at all.

 

When I hug him, it is not the brotherly hug. I stroke my hands up and down his back, stroke his long hair and squeeze him tight. And he has never pulled away. Sometimes I nuzzle my head into his chest.

 

So, it's complicated, yet simple at the same time.

 

I don’t remember if I said, but his fiancée also knows everything, and she has never been anything but kind to me. Since i told him how I feel, they both seem to actually be including me more in their lives, even wanting me to take an active role in their wedding. they had me over to work on some wedding stuff this weekend. While we were working, at one point, I slipped and called him 'sweetie', and a little while after that, he laid his fingers over mine and we just sat there like that for a minute sort of holding onto each others fingers. I just don't see a straight man doing that with the gay man he knows is in love with him, and at the same time also planning a weekend together just the two of us about a month after the wedding.

 

So, you see, I'm totally in love with a man who says he's a 1.5 on the Kinsey scale. I had made several comments to him about how I feel my ideal mate is a heterosexual man... His response was to say, 'well, I'm a heterosexual'. He has also made several comments about how back in old days, a man would have his wife and kids, and when he was with his male friends they would have sex, too. After the big talk though, he says that he only meant those things as observations, but says he understands how to me it would seem like he was saying that he's open to the idea. So, not sure what to make of that.

 

Anyway, there you have it basically.

I have always known that they we're planning to get married, and having a baby and all that. I knew that from the time we met. In a way, it feels like once they get that done, it might open things up even more. Also, his wife is bisexual, or at least she was until she and my friend got together. I would definitely feel better if things started to happen between my friend and me before the wedding at least, but we'll see. It doesn’t seem very likely though.

 

As I said, they both know that I'm in love with him and it doesn’t look like they want me out of their lives, but rather it seems they're making more room for me in their lives. It’s a little weird I know, but that’s what it is.

 

I tell him fairly regularly now when we talk "I love you". So, it's not like we talked about it and now I have to hide it, if anything its more out in the open now. When he visits, as he leaves, he gives me a big hug and I usually say ‘I love you’ to him while looking him in the eye and he just looks at me tenderly, but so far hasn’t said anything in response, except one day on the phone he just said ‘Thank you’.

 

He recently visited and we sat on the couch together for a while. I laid my head on his shoulder and held his hand, stroking his hand with my thumb. Later we did some meditative, spiritual work, and we decided to actually touch this time, usually we lay apart. This time, we lay on my bed, side by side, touching arms/shoulders/legs, and journeyed together. It was an amazing experience, and even he talked about how amazing it was and how he and I can do powerful things together. So, it really is like everything (spiritual/emotional) is in place except for the physical intimacy.

 

I know that him getting married and having a baby is a huge part of his happiness. I have no problem with that, I just hope he finds a place for me too. They also have fertility issues; I even offered to be the sperm donor if it comes to that. I don't know if they'll go for that, but who knows?? I want him to be the father, but it seems somewhat unlikely. In that event, I hope to be the donor and form an incredible family with him and his wife.

 

I just don’t think they would continue to want to be in my life knowing that I am in love with him, how much it hurts to not be intimate with him, always wanting to have that with him etc. unless they we're at least somehow open to it. Most people would kick you to the curb so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you. But neither of them has done that. So, I just have to wait for him to be ready. Given our relationship so far, I believe there is a really good chance of it happening, but it will require patience.

 

I know it sounds messed up, but love can make you do crazy things at any age. Also the fact that he is trained in psychology, he has to know and realize all this stuff.

 

This past Monday he is rearranged his work schedule to basically spend all day with me. We went to a waterfall. He asked how I was doing with everything regarding our first big conversation. So, I told him, and I also took the opportunity to tell him about my parents support and how they thought we already were lovers because of all the time he spends at my house. He said he was shocked that they thought that. His response was to say he has other male friends and spends time with them but no one thinks they’re lovers (I pointed out that those other friends, whoever they are, are straight). I say whoever they are because even his soon to be wife has made the statement that he spends more time with me than with anyone else, and she told my sister a while back when we went to the beach together that she was so happy that he has me, as there is no one else that he can share so much with or that he has so much in common with (and even at that point, she was very well aware that I am in love with him).

 

He just said again in an email yesterday that we could be no more than friends, yet the day before, out by the waterfall, he told me that he ”didn’t want to destroy my hope”, meaning the hope that he and I would find a way to be together. So, that’s at the very least a mixed message.

At any rate, I wrote him back just saying that I love him and I would happily die for him if I had to and that we need to lay off the heavy talk for a while and just go have some fun together, and not talk about anything, at all! Just make some good memories together.

 

 

ARGH, so, it’s all fairly confusing to me, and I feel like my heart is breaking. He knows that I’m in a lot of pain, but also that I love him no matter what and I’ve told him that in the meantime I will be the best friend to him and his wife that I can be. Neither one of us has ever had any ‘poly’ experience, right now he says it’s not going to be possible, yet he still wants me around, which I think is odd, even if you love someone as a friend and nothing more, I think that by far most people would not be wanting to maintain that friendship given the situation.

 

I’d appreciate any insights you might have, but there you have the story.