In love with my best friend, he and his wife both know

[saloli]

I'm in love with my dearest and closest friend. I know he loves me on some level but doesn’t say he is in love with me, so I just keep hoping. Oh yeah, he's also getting married in two weeks, and they're trying to have a baby. I know the wife too, and she knows all about my feelings for him. He, the man I’m in love with, is also my one and only heir in my will, so he'll get my house and land and life insurance. So, I'm hoping that he will soon let the physical intimacy barrier down. It is definitely complicated. Both he and his soon to be wife know that I am hoping for a polyamorous type relationship wherein he has a wife and a husband (me). And we can form a family together. I believe that mainly he just can’t get passed certain things physically. The wife is bisexual, or at least she was always with women before meeting him. He’s 36, I'm 40, and his soon to be wife is 38. He is a psychotherapist of all things. We have done a lot of intense spiritual work together, in other things in life, beliefs, likes, dislikes, we're a perfect match. Even his fiancée has commented on how spooky it is that we are so much alike and seem to have such a strong spiritual connection. Bryan and I have both consistently spoken to each other about this wonderful connection, even a spiritual level that we feel with each other. So, the relationship has been intense anyway.

 

There has never even been so much as a kiss, but we hug all the time, not the way two male friends typically hug, but deep, longish hugs, I rub his back and even stroke his hair while I hug him. Very often, he initiates the hugs.

 

A few weeks ago, we sat and had a very long talk. I know he already knew everything, but it had yet to be spoken. So, I told him that I was in love with him and that I will love him no matter what, but that I would never stop wanting to be with him and wanting more physical intimacy with him, etc. Then I gave him copies of legal documents showing him as my health care power of attorney as well as the only heir to my will (he'll get my house and land), and then there is also a life insurance policy. He was pretty overwhelmed by all that, and all he has said is that we will have to talk about all that again.

 

Regarding intimacy, he did say that there could be no sexual relationship, and I told him that I would never stop wanting that. So, that's sort of where things sit now. So, I think most men, straight or not, would not continue this relationship if he didn't feel something, especially knowing that it hurts me like hell not having that with him and that will never go away until he and I do have that intimacy. but anyway.... one of the interesting things is that he said he felt like he would need to pull back on the hugging even, but what has happened is the opposite. The hugging has actually increased as well as the intensity of our spiritual work together having intensified.

 

He also asked me what my sister thinks of all of this and said he wants to talk to her about it. And he asked what my parents had to say (that after I gave him a key to my house). So, he can talk to my sister whenever he wants. This week, I told my mom everything, she already knew anyway. And she is totally OK with it. That surprised me since my mom knows that my friend is about to be married, they're trying to have a baby, and I'm hoping to be with my friend as a male mate since he has a female one. I don’t think he has ever been with a man before at all.

 

When I hug him, it is not the brotherly hug. I stroke my hands up and down his back, stroke his long hair and squeeze him tight. And he has never pulled away. Sometimes I nuzzle my head into his chest.

 

So, it's complicated, yet simple at the same time.

 

I don’t remember if I said, but his fiancée also knows everything, and she has never been anything but kind to me. Since i told him how I feel, they both seem to actually be including me more in their lives, even wanting me to take an active role in their wedding. they had me over to work on some wedding stuff this weekend. While we were working, at one point, I slipped and called him 'sweetie', and a little while after that, he laid his fingers over mine and we just sat there like that for a minute sort of holding onto each others fingers. I just don't see a straight man doing that with the gay man he knows is in love with him, and at the same time also planning a weekend together just the two of us about a month after the wedding.

 

So, you see, I'm totally in love with a man who says he's a 1.5 on the Kinsey scale. I had made several comments to him about how I feel my ideal mate is a heterosexual man... His response was to say, 'well, I'm a heterosexual'. He has also made several comments about how back in old days, a man would have his wife and kids, and when he was with his male friends they would have sex, too. After the big talk though, he says that he only meant those things as observations, but says he understands how to me it would seem like he was saying that he's open to the idea. So, not sure what to make of that.

 

Anyway, there you have it basically.

I have always known that they we're planning to get married, and having a baby and all that. I knew that from the time we met. In a way, it feels like once they get that done, it might open things up even more. Also, his wife is bisexual, or at least she was until she and my friend got together. I would definitely feel better if things started to happen between my friend and me before the wedding at least, but we'll see. It doesn’t seem very likely though.

 

As I said, they both know that I'm in love with him and it doesn’t look like they want me out of their lives, but rather it seems they're making more room for me in their lives. It’s a little weird I know, but that’s what it is.

 

I tell him fairly regularly now when we talk "I love you". So, it's not like we talked about it and now I have to hide it, if anything its more out in the open now. When he visits, as he leaves, he gives me a big hug and I usually say ‘I love you’ to him while looking him in the eye and he just looks at me tenderly, but so far hasn’t said anything in response, except one day on the phone he just said ‘Thank you’.

 

He recently visited and we sat on the couch together for a while. I laid my head on his shoulder and held his hand, stroking his hand with my thumb. Later we did some meditative, spiritual work, and we decided to actually touch this time, usually we lay apart. This time, we lay on my bed, side by side, touching arms/shoulders/legs, and journeyed together. It was an amazing experience, and even he talked about how amazing it was and how he and I can do powerful things together. So, it really is like everything (spiritual/emotional) is in place except for the physical intimacy.

 

I know that him getting married and having a baby is a huge part of his happiness. I have no problem with that, I just hope he finds a place for me too. They also have fertility issues; I even offered to be the sperm donor if it comes to that. I don't know if they'll go for that, but who knows?? I want him to be the father, but it seems somewhat unlikely. In that event, I hope to be the donor and form an incredible family with him and his wife.

 

I just don’t think they would continue to want to be in my life knowing that I am in love with him, how much it hurts to not be intimate with him, always wanting to have that with him etc. unless they we're at least somehow open to it. Most people would kick you to the curb so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you. But neither of them has done that. So, I just have to wait for him to be ready. Given our relationship so far, I believe there is a really good chance of it happening, but it will require patience.

 

I know it sounds messed up, but love can make you do crazy things at any age. Also the fact that he is trained in psychology, he has to know and realize all this stuff.

 

This past Monday he is rearranged his work schedule to basically spend all day with me. We went to a waterfall. He asked how I was doing with everything regarding our first big conversation. So, I told him, and I also took the opportunity to tell him about my parents support and how they thought we already were lovers because of all the time he spends at my house. He said he was shocked that they thought that. His response was to say he has other male friends and spends time with them but no one thinks they’re lovers (I pointed out that those other friends, whoever they are, are straight). I say whoever they are because even his soon to be wife has made the statement that he spends more time with me than with anyone else, and she told my sister a while back when we went to the beach together that she was so happy that he has me, as there is no one else that he can share so much with or that he has so much in common with (and even at that point, she was very well aware that I am in love with him).

 

He just said again in an email yesterday that we could be no more than friends, yet the day before, out by the waterfall, he told me that he ”didn’t want to destroy my hope”, meaning the hope that he and I would find a way to be together. So, that’s at the very least a mixed message.

At any rate, I wrote him back just saying that I love him and I would happily die for him if I had to and that we need to lay off the heavy talk for a while and just go have some fun together, and not talk about anything, at all! Just make some good memories together.

 

 

ARGH, so, it’s all fairly confusing to me, and I feel like my heart is breaking. He knows that I’m in a lot of pain, but also that I love him no matter what and I’ve told him that in the meantime I will be the best friend to him and his wife that I can be. Neither one of us has ever had any ‘poly’ experience, right now he says it’s not going to be possible, yet he still wants me around, which I think is odd, even if you love someone as a friend and nothing more, I think that by far most people would not be wanting to maintain that friendship given the situation.

 

I’d appreciate any insights you might have, but there you have the story.

[heartinlove]

wow. It was very painful to read your story. He clearly, clearly, clearly just wants to be your friend. You are reading things into the situation that just aren't there. He also clearly loves you as a FRIEND and wants you around and enjoys your company. Why can't you accept that what he says is true.

 

He sounds very loving and open minded in that he isn't pushed away by you being in love with him so that is why he doesn't bolt but he has been completely clear that this is a friendship. When he said he didn't want to destroy your hope, how I see it, is he doesn't want to destroy your heart as a whole, but not that he has any confusion that he will ever go there with you. I would really really caution you against spending so much time with him or even talk about creating a family. You need to have distance so you can fall in love with someone who is available.

 

And your sentence that your ideal mate is heterosexual speaks to me of you needing to heal a deep pattern of being in love with someone who is not available. That he is so kind and loving to you is that it is obvious you are a sensitive and Im sure wonderful soul and he wants you to know you amazing and deeply loved you are, but to him it is pure friendship. He should know better though on some level that his behavior, especially the extended affection is confusing you. He probably thinks that he is giving you at least something of what you are looking for and knows how much you cherish it, and im sure he enjoys the affection with you, but in my mind it feeds your very unrealistic expectation this will go further.

 

I know this is hard to hear, but please take care of yourself and be with reality. He is telling you exactly whats true for him. This will never be what you want it to be.

[Emme]

Your friend is not your friend. The way I read your post you seem too invested in this man. He is a psychotherapist. He’s knows the difference in someone living a healthy life. Your connection to him is um… *sigh* a little heart breaking for me. I don’t see how someone who is a friend would accept your wish to leave him as sole heir. As your friend I would try and change your mind and say no thank you. Please change your will I can not and will not accept it. A true friend would say what about your sister. A true friend would turn you down. The question is why he didn’t.

 

Please do not take offense. I would just like to know. Have you ever suffered from depression? Have you ever been seen by a psychiatrist? Are you now or have you ever been medicated for any mental health issues? Are you now being treated at all for medical health issue?

 

My opinion is that you need to give yourself time and space away from him. If your career is one where you have leeway reside anywhere I say leave the country. Take a long 6 month vacation. Just pack up and go. Experience another side of the world. It’s your choice of tropical weather or a winter storm. If you can sell off your property and live off of your funds, experience a new life. Different from the one you have now. Really think about it. Go to Mexico and live for a year. Don’t think about it just do it.

 

I wish you well in this situation I truly do. I hope I get a response. If not that’s ok. Remember though that if you don’t value yourself no one else will.

[saloli]

Well, my possessions aren't worth THAT much. There is the life insurance money (about $86000), about 13 acres of land and my house (about $200,0000). I really don't think he's planning on killing me! He could have done that very easily when we went to the waterfall. No one around and certain death.

 

My family knows him and they know about the legal documents. It isn't like anything has been hidden.

 

He never asked for me to do these things, they never came up. I just did it on my own, only my sister knew about it ahead of time. My friend didn't know anything about it until After it was all done.

[phillyfan]

Dude, weve all been there, i rememba an amazin girl i liked her SO long, she didnt like me back, man it crushd me. So this dude, I think u need 2 stop seein him. Mayb he just dont want to hurt ur feelins, but he aint neva gona do nothin, he is into chicks, not dudes. If he is an expert at the psych stuff then hell, the dude shud see he is hurtin u, and he aint dealin with this in the rite way-I think he is outta line and takin advantage a bit, I dont know why.

 

And DUDE change ur will, that freaks me out. If sum chick with a huge crush told me shed been changin her will 4 me, there is NO WAY Id let her, thats just exploitin her feelins.

 

Finaly, u sound like a nice dude u will meet the rite dude anotha time, then u wil look back on all this n think thank God I didnt stick around or leave that dude my cash.

[saloli]

Emme:

 

"Please do not take offense. I would just like to know. Have you ever suffered from depression? Have you ever been seen by a psychiatrist? Are you now or have you ever been medicated for any mental health issues? Are you now being treated at all for medical health issue?

"

 

Haven't we all suffered depression at some time or another. I have been seen by a psychiatrist years ago, early 20, I spent about 4 years going to monthly therapy. Never required medications for any mental health issues.

[Lucky_One]

I wouldn't fear for your life, per se, (most people are unable to murder another), but I would worry that he is only accepting your non-subtle advances simply because they don't want you to change your will.

 

I am a bit surprised that your sister or parents aren't more concerned about your intent to make this man your sole beneficiary.

 

He has said point-blank that he does not want to be with you sexually. The only other thing he could say that could carry as much weight would be that the DOES want to be with you sexually. But he isn't saying that. Pay attention to people's words, when they know that the words are hurtful. Friends don't like to hurt friends, so when they tell you something that hurts you, you KNOW it is true.

 

I feel for you - good luck.

[Mimolicious]

Everyone in your scenario seem to be ok with the situation. What can we do for you?

[Emme]

Haven't we all suffered depression at some time or another. I have been seen by a psychiatrist years ago, early 20, I spent about 4 years going to monthly therapy. Never required medications for any mental health issues.

 

When was the last time you had a serious relationship?

[saloli]

"And your sentence that your ideal mate is heterosexual speaks to..."

 

this has to do with not believing in just two genders. Native American Two-Spirit tradtions for example. So, many cultures have concept of multiple genders, where gender is based on character and spirits rather than genitalia.

 

 

as far as what he has said... well, his actions do NOT match his words, hence the massive confusion. I mean, so much of these things you just do not do with someone you know is in love with you unless you also have some feelings, I dont care how 'open minded' you are.

[Quiet Storm]

I think he does not want a sexual relationship with you.

 

I think he is freaked out that you made him your heir and is questioning your stability.

 

He is afraid of how you would react to outright rejection, so he is trying to remain friendly to avoid hurting you too much.

 

I would just stay away from them and look for a guy that is available.

 

I would avoid physical contact with him because it is confusing you. I think if he was sexually attracted to you, you would know it.

 

For example, if a woman was laying with a man in bed "side by side, touching arms/shoulders/legs", the man would very likely get an erection if he was sexually attracted.

 

Does this guy get an erection when all this touching is going on?

 

If the answer is no, he is never going to want you sexually. If the answer is yes, he may be confused about his sexuality and is attracted to you, but does not want to explore this attraction.

 

Either way, he is married and this is a dead end street for you.

[heartinlove]

"And your sentence that your ideal mate is heterosexual speaks to..."

 

this has to do with not believing in just two genders. Native American Two-Spirit tradtions for example. So, many cultures have concept of multiple genders, where gender is based on character and spirits rather than genitalia.

 

 

as far as what he has said... well, his actions do NOT match his words, hence the massive confusion. I mean, so much of these things you just do not do with someone you know is in love with you unless you also have some feelings, I dont care how 'open minded' you are.

 

I completely understand bisexuality and gender being based on spirits. But that is not what this is about. If this man wanted a wife and a husband, I would say god bless and you all have fun. Thats not happening here.

 

And actually yes people can do that and not have romantic feelings. Strangely enough I also had a similar situation where someone did the same thing with me once they knew of my feelings and that person did not have any feelings for me sexually. It is a subtle way to enjoy someone's attention and they think that you like it, but they just confuse you, hence why you are having the experience you are having. This is not a therapist who understands healthy boundaries. I speak from experience. This man has absolutely no sexual feelings for you. Distance yourself or you will cause yourself endless pain.

[MissBee]

I completely understand bisexuality and gender being based on spirits. But that is not what this is about. If this man wanted a wife and a husband, I would say god bless and you all have fun. Thats not happening here.

 

And actually yes people can do that and not have romantic feelings. Strangely enough I also had a similar situation where someone did the same thing with me once they knew of my feelings and that person did not have any feelings for me sexually. It is a subtle way to enjoy someone's attention and they think that you like it, but they just confuse you, hence why you are having the experience you are having. This is not a therapist who understands healthy boundaries. I speak from experience. This man has absolutely no sexual feelings for you. Distance yourself or you will cause yourself endless pain.

 

 

How true!

 

I think that is a grave mistake people make...believing that the attention someone is giving them is with the same intentions that they have and that is not always true! Someone can like the attention of another, someone can like that someone likes them and thus they entertain that person more than they should, having no intention of it being more and having no legitimate feelings for this person. I have been guilty of that I didn't set out to be malicious and hurt the other person, I simply did not make it CLEAR that I was uninterested. I said I wasn't on one hand but was ambiguous on the other by spending time with them, being affectionate, and all sorts of things that fed that hope and was of course more confusing than anything else! I would never do that again and of course when it happens to you it's not pleasant.

 

It's really important to listen to people and if they say they aren't interested, please don't tell yourself they are lying or just scared to love you and so on *exasperated sigh*....IF they are, then they have to figure that out and tell you themselves and get over it! But usually when you're the one refusing to listen and trying to "read the signs" and look for hope, you will get hurt! When you go after people who are showing mutual interest and consistency, it works out A LOT better than those who are ambiguous and where everything needs to be decoded...once you have that, you get into a gray area that often leads to misunderstandings and hurt. I have learned my lesson. If I "don't know" how a man feels or am doing a lot of guesswork in that regard, I back away, as it's already not starting on the right foot. It should be such that he is very clear about his intentions with me and we're both going down a mutual path that we're BOTH owning and not that I feel I am more invested or unsure about how he feels by the day and am reading clues and signs versus it being as plain as day.

Edited September 20, 2011 by MissBee