wannabdone Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Don't have the time to individually respond to every post, so here goes. In his words, he is "not sure he loves his wife, but he cares about her as a person." We've discussed before what it means to be "in love" with someone and "love" them after spending years with them. I don't really know if there is a distinction after years, but if there is, I'm not even sure he "loves" her, but he cares about her, and he feels responsible for her. He doesn't try to use me for sex, considering we aren't even in the same city anymore. He's also not a very sexual person, so I don't think that's his main drive. He doesn't have an "agenda" to have sex with me. Our friendship progressed after we talked with each other and realized we have a lot in common and have an emotional connection. I don't think a person is necessarily bad if they cheat. He is a good person and he does treat everyone well. He still treats his wife like a queen and he does almost everything she wants. After having dated abusive men, I'd much rather date a cheater who is kind to me than an abusive guy completely dedicated to me. (I realize there's a middle ground somewhere, but I'm just stating this as an example.) Their marriage does sort of sound like a roommate/servant relationship. His wife has never worked a day in her life because she thinks that men should be responsible for everything. He literally does everything for her. I even joked around with him if he liked being a "submissive" once, and he thought about it, and said, no, but it just somehow turned out that way, partly because he grew up with a dominant mother. I value his friendship a lot. I'd rather have him as a friend, and not EA, instead of not having him in my life at all. Although there probably is a slim possibility of achieving this. I realize that we might have to impose NC, but it's just hard. He is my best friend and my pillar in a way. Silver, I'm with everyone else as far as you are such good friends you don't realize you are in the middle of an A. I stated that in my last post. And I agree, people who have affairs are BAD people. I have had an A, and with everything else in my life outside of this, I am a honest and trust worthy person. I am not mean to people and treat them badly. Good people can get sucked into some bad things. However, as they might not be "bad" necessarily, the one thing I know for sure is that they are COWARDS. Me included. Instead of standing up and doing what was right, I continued to lie and carry on, all under the pretense "I didn't want to hurt anyone", when in all actuality...I didn't want to hurt myself. It sounds like you get a lot of his story how bad his M is. You really don't know. You only know what he tells you. You really don't know anything. Just do this...look at what you do know. What his actions really provide as what kind of man of substance he is. I know you were stating an example of the abusive dedicated spouse. But do you not think that a M or W who cheats on their spouse, and lies and covers it up to save their own skin, isn't abusive??? He needs to man up, and leave her ass if he is busy sharing his life with you. I know you cherish his friendship, and I like everyone else, think that you are sucked in a little deeper than you think you are. But, this IMO has already far crossed the line to ever be able to continue the friendship while he is M. I think its time for you to go.
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