Silverliningg Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I've known my friend for a couple years, and we have always been there for each other. He has helped me through hardships, has always been there for me, and I have also lent my ear for support when he wants to vent, particularly about his marriage. I honestly have never had as good of a friend as him and I'm happy to have had him in my life, even if nothing ever happens between us. Over the years he has tried to get physical with me. (I stopped him though, because I really don't want to be a mistress.) He tried to kiss me and he has told me that he would make love to me in a second. He has told me that he really wants me on multiple occasions. He told me he really liked me first. I moved to another city for my work, so now we just chat over the internet and phone everyday and there isn't a chance for it to get physical. There was a period of time where he would get jealous when I liked other people. I haven't dated in awhile though, so I'm not sure what he thinks now. We have told each other that we really like each other. He still loves his wife, but is not in love with her. He has tried to leave his wife before, but she has recently been trying to improve their marriage, so he has vented to be me slightly less. Although he still can't be honest with her about his feelings, I don't think she's making life as hard for him as it was before, so I think he's in a stasis. We still talk everyday, make jokes, talk about life, talk about our jobs (we are in the same profession). I guess my question is, should I cut him off completely and stop being friends with him? I don't really have the urge to start dating again or be with anyone. I'm happy being single for the moment. I don't think I'm in love with him, but at the same time, I dislike how I like my best friend romantically. It's hard being such good friends with someone you are attracted to - we were both attracted to each other immediately after we first saw each other. I'm just not sure what to do because the person I am closest to and who has been there for me more than anyone else, and this includes past boyfriends, is a MM. He has provided more emotional support than anyone ever has in my entire life. Should I cut him out of my life?
Emme Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I guess my question is, should I cut him off completely and stop being friends with him? Yes you should.. but for the first stage change friendship to acquaintance (say hello twice a year). You said you like him. He knows this but you won't take it further. You have your boundaries set. Should I cut him out of my life? If he continues to make advances, yes. Tell him to stop with the statements or else you will no longer be in his life. This advice comes from a woman who had an affair with her best friend for over a decade.
Author Silverliningg Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Yes you should.. but for the first stage change friendship to acquaintance (say hello twice a year). You said you like him. He knows this but you won't take it further. You have your boundaries set. We don't live in the same city anymore, as I took a job elsewhere, so if I did, it'd really just be no contact, possibly forever. I already tried imposing NC once before, and it didn't work out. Although I have other friends, he's really the only one who knows me well and the one I confide in. If he continues to make advances, yes. Tell him to stop with the statements or else you will no longer be in his life. This advice comes from a woman who had an affair with her best friend for over a decade.He hasn't really made advances recently. I moved for work about 6 months ago, so we haven't seen each other since I moved. Sometimes he blurts out "you are really cute" just out of the blue when I'm speaking to him. The problem is that he has been there emotionally for me more than any boyfriend ever has. He has helped me through so many things, and is more supportive than any friend. Even though I'm not his wife and he can't give himself completely to me, he has been there for me more than boyfriends I have lived with. It's as if him giving 30% is worth more than my ex-boyfriends giving 100%, which is pretty sad. I feel like I'm getting to the point where, although I don't love him, I compare him to other male friends and acquaintances. He is a really good person, and I don't think I can ever find a single guy like him. I value his friendship tremendously, but at the same time, although I don't want a relationship right now, it is somewhat frustrating hoping to find a single version of him out there. Edited September 20, 2011 by Silverliningg
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 You two aren't bestfriends. It's an emotional affair. And, if he truly was "just" your friend he wouldn't be trying to get into your pants, risking his marriage and disrespecting you. Your friendship is selfish. He only shares a tiny portion of his life with you. He still has a wife, a family, inlaws, friends, a life that doesn't include you. His wife, do you know her? Do you go to their house for dinner? See, if you truly was his bestfriend, his wife would be OK with this and you'd be involved more in their lives.. You're not and sadly, this is an affair, minus the sex. He is your everything, and the more he is in your life, the harder it'll be for you to fall for someone else. He is holding you back from opening your heart to someone else. A bestfriend should be a woman or your spouse/boyfriend/husband. The male/female thing doesn't work.. You can justify and call it the BFF thing, but it's not that. You're emotionally attached and involved, it's intimate and romantic, there are feelings there.. Bestfriends don't have that romantic thing happening! You gotta let this go and move on. He is a MM and that's not going to change. The friendship does damage to you (holds you back from opening your heart to someone else) and it's damaging to his marriage (he's lusting after you, when he should be just focussed on his wife).. Imagine if he were YOUR husband and he was lusting after another woman. Imagine finding out HOW close emotionally (and knowing your H was wanting to screw another woman) your H is to someone else..It would kill you inside and I am sure you'd find the 'bestfriend' thing very inappropriate if you were his wife. Right? End it, say goodbye and grieve the loss. He isn't respecting you at all, if he did he wouldn't be playing this ego and flirt thing with you.
Author Silverliningg Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) He usually doesn't try to get in my pants. I don't think he disrespects me either. I won't get into details, but he has done more for me than any non-family member. He isn't my everything - I still notice other people, but I don't expect much from others. I have never been with anyone who I consider as good of a person as him, and I have dated a few people for at least 3 months, and had 3 live-in, serious relationships that lasted for years. I'm being truthful when I say that my ex-boyfriends, including the serious ones, never gave me the emotional support I needed as much as he does. I realize he's only giving a part of himself, but honestly, from my perspective, it's worth more than others' giving themselves to me entirely. It just makes my relationship history seem sad, as if I have been attracting and dating the wrong people my entire life. He stopped being in love with his wife long before I met him, so I don't really know what to think about their marriage. For what it's worth, he is still the ideal husband and treats his wife well. He works, pays all of the bills, does everything she asks, and answers at her beck and call. Edited September 20, 2011 by Silverliningg
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I get that you're not ready yet to see this objectively and you have the rose coloured glasses on, you can't see what's around the corner.. Do you realize though, the fact is, he IS married and the friendship you have with him IS inappropriate? If you were married, how would you feel if your husband was doing behind your back? You are in denial too. The feelings are there, whether you see this or not, wanting to acknowledge it or not.. you're too emotionally attached to him. The friendship isn't growing in a healthy way, one where you can go to his house, be with his family, be a part of their lives. You are a threat to their marriage, to his wife. Yet you don't see this because you're tightening the noose here, afraid to let go of this perfect image you have of him and what you share with him.
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He stopped being in love with his wife long before I met him, so I don't really know what to think about their marriage. For what it's worth, he is still the ideal husband and treats his wife well. He works, pays all of the bills, does everything she asks, and answers at her beck and call. Typical MM lines.. Remember, you're only hearing ONE side of things, the side that makes him seem like the 'good guy' and a hero, a loving/doting husband who answers his wifes beck and call. If you were a fly on the wall, in their house so you could see what truly goes on behind closed doors, it would be different than what he's telling you.
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 It just makes my relationship history seem sad, as if I have been attracting and dating the wrong people my entire life. Then figure out why this happens and fix it by working on yourself and doing counselling. Your man picker is off and even now, letting yourself fall and get too close to someone who is married isn't going to be healthy for you in the long run. Comparing any other guy to him when you only know him in a certain way, a tiny portion of his life, isn't a good thing. I hope this makes sense to you.
Author Silverliningg Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 We never see each other anymore, so I'm not sure there is anything "around the corner." I don't know how I would react if he were my H because I'm not the possessive type, at that point the relationship would probably be in a bad enough state where I possibly wouldn't care if that happened, and I have never been in that type of situation before. And he still treats her like a queen, so does it really matter?
Author Silverliningg Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Typical MM lines.. Remember, you're only hearing ONE side of things, the side that makes him seem like the 'good guy' and a hero, a loving/doting husband who answers his wifes beck and call. If you were a fly on the wall, in their house so you could see what truly goes on behind closed doors, it would be different than what he's telling you. No, it's true. He's the "giver" type though, so it's not hard to believe because I think he tends to "give" in every relationship/friendship/whatever he is in. He's not just nice to his wife. He's treats everyone he knows well, and helps people, including acquaintances, out when they are in need, which a sign that he has a good heart. Honestly though, if I were his W and had a H paying my bills, taking care of me, buying me food, doing everything for me, being nice and kind to me (even if it were just to my face), I'm not sure I'd care what he does on the side. I've NEVER had a guy do any of this for me. His W is one lucky woman for landing a guy who is willing to do EVERYTHING for her, be there for her emotionally when she needs it, yet at the same time give her her own space. I really do enjoy being an independent woman, but sometimes it's nice knowing that a guy at least wants to take care of a woman and be there for her all the time. Do single guys like this even exist? I have never, ever dated a guy like this in my entire life. I don't mind paying my own way, but it'd be refreshing to go out with someone like this for once instead of aholes. Edited September 20, 2011 by Silverliningg
Mimolicious Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I've known my friend for a couple years, and we have always been there for each other. He has helped me through hardships, has always been there for me, and I have also lent my ear for support when he wants to vent, particularly about his marriage. I honestly have never had as good of a friend as him and I'm happy to have had him in my life, even if nothing ever happens between us. Over the years he has tried to get physical with me. (I stopped him though, because I really don't want to be a mistress.) He tried to kiss me and he has told me that he would make love to me in a second. He has told me that he really wants me on multiple occasions. He told me he really liked me first. I moved to another city for my work, so now we just chat over the internet and phone everyday and there isn't a chance for it to get physical. There was a period of time where he would get jealous when I liked other people. I haven't dated in awhile though, so I'm not sure what he thinks now. We have told each other that we really like each other. He still loves his wife, but is not in love with her. He has tried to leave his wife before, but she has recently been trying to improve their marriage, so he has vented to be me slightly less. Although he still can't be honest with her about his feelings, I don't think she's making life as hard for him as it was before, so I think he's in a stasis. We still talk everyday, make jokes, talk about life, talk about our jobs (we are in the same profession). I guess my question is, should I cut him off completely and stop being friends with him? I don't really have the urge to start dating again or be with anyone. I'm happy being single for the moment. I don't think I'm in love with him, but at the same time, I dislike how I like my best friend romantically. It's hard being such good friends with someone you are attracted to - we were both attracted to each other immediately after we first saw each other. I'm just not sure what to do because the person I am closest to and who has been there for me more than anyone else, and this includes past boyfriends, is a MM. He has provided more emotional support than anyone ever has in my entire life. Should I cut him out of my life? If you want to know is you should continue to have this kind of "frienship", ask his wife if she is game. Watch what will happen. I mean, for quick second, step back and make believe this is your H entertaining such a "friendship". How does that make you feel? This guy has no boundaries and perhaps the only reason why you're not his mistress is because you havent taken the jump. Amazing, how most of these stories have the same tune. "The minute we saw each other it was 4th of July all over again". He has provided the most support because of this: ? I don't really have the urge to start dating again or be with anyone. I'm happy being single for the moment. You're too caught up sticking around your "BFF", rather than focusing on finding someone that is for you and only yours, oh and not married. How can you really date anyone? Nobody stands a chance because you are not going to give them a chance. You don't think you're in love with him? I have to be honest here... The things you posted above, sound like you know exactly what you want and what you feel, yet you are fooling yourself otherwise. From what I read, in your head you are in a relationship with this BFF of yours but you downplay it because it is not amounting to anything else. Otherwise, you wouldn't say that you don't have the urge to date and that you're ok being single. In your mind, you are taken by your BFF. That's just MHO, so take it with a grain of salt. Good luck!
Mimolicious Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He usually doesn't try to get in my pants. I don't think he disrespects me either. I won't get into details, but he has done more for me than any non-family member. He isn't my everything - I still notice other people, but I don't expect much from others. I have never been with anyone who I consider as good of a person as him, and I have dated a few people for at least 3 months, and had 3 live-in, serious relationships that lasted for years. I'm being truthful when I say that my ex-boyfriends, including the serious ones, never gave me the emotional support I needed as much as he does. I realize he's only giving a part of himself, but honestly, from my perspective, it's worth more than others' giving themselves to me entirely. It just makes my relationship history seem sad, as if I have been attracting and dating the wrong people my entire life. He stopped being in love with his wife long before I met him, so I don't really know what to think about their marriage. For what it's worth, he is still the ideal husband and treats his wife well. He works, pays all of the bills, does everything she asks, and answers at her beck and call.[/QUOTE] My $0.02... Use the same judgment that you use when selecting your "friends" when you are looking for dating material. That should weed out the bad ones... Is that what the "ideal husband" should be? (the bolded) That sounds like a roommate/servant. If he stopped loving his W, then he should be honest with her and bounce. Then maybe you can have your soulmate. It's that simple and overrides all the drama that your secret friendship may cause. You have an EA with your BFF and it's just a matter of time...
Spark1111 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He usually doesn't try to get in my pants. I don't think he disrespects me either. I won't get into details, but he has done more for me than any non-family member. He isn't my everything - I still notice other people, but I don't expect much from others. I have never been with anyone who I consider as good of a person as him, and I have dated a few people for at least 3 months, and had 3 live-in, serious relationships that lasted for years. I'm being truthful when I say that my ex-boyfriends, including the serious ones, never gave me the emotional support I needed as much as he does. I realize he's only giving a part of himself, but honestly, from my perspective, it's worth more than others' giving themselves to me entirely. It just makes my relationship history seem sad, as if I have been attracting and dating the wrong people my entire life. He stopped being in love with his wife long before I met him, so I don't really know what to think about their marriage. For what it's worth, he is still the ideal husband and treats his wife well. He works, pays all of the bills, does everything she asks, and answers at her beck and call. You sound like a smart cookie who is figuring it out just fine on your own. A few thoughts: How would YOU feel if this man was YOUR husband and had a "secret friend" on the side that he speaks to every day and has told this friend that he would like to get physical with her? What has HE DONE to improve his marriage? Do you understand that as long as you are his best friend and not his wife, he is doing nothing to improve his marriage. And you are helping that to happen. As long as this MM across the country is the the person you confide in, emotionally invest in and enjoy more than anyone else, you will never have the motivation to find a man for you. That is just the way it works with feelings. You may be single for years as no one will compare. Is that what you want? Whenever the ddating scene gets tough, he will be your fallback guy. Whenever his marriage grows stagnant, you will be his fallback woman. Do you really want that position? It could last for years.
wannabdone Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 We never see each other anymore, so I'm not sure there is anything "around the corner." I don't know how I would react if he were my H because I'm not the possessive type, at that point the relationship would probably be in a bad enough state where I possibly wouldn't care if that happened, and I have never been in that type of situation before. And he still treats her like a queen, so does it really matter? You don't have to be the "possessive type" in order to feel uncomfortable about your H having a female friend, of which he tries to get in her pants and kiss her and talk about the issues in your M. This isn't like you guys are truly just friends, this is more. So, I don't think it takes being possessive to not want your H doing that with another woman. I am with the other poster that said you are not in a friendship, you are in an EA. I know that it is sometimes difficult to see this when you are in the storm, so to speak, but trust me...thats where you are. That is exactly how my A started. My xMM was my best friend, and often joked he was my best girlfriend I had ever had. My xMM did not try to get into my pants, as you say, until we had both realized we loved eachother. But none the less, that is where you are, my friend. You are already his mistress, you are his "go to" girl for everything his wife can not give him, with out sex. Which is has tried. He's showing you what this is to him by making moves on you. You certainly have to see that. If you really don't want to continue this, stop talking to him.
Emme Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 The problem is that he has been there emotionally for me more than any boyfriend ever has. He has helped me through so many things, and is more supportive than any friend. Even though I'm not his wife and he can't give himself completely to me, he has been there for me more than boyfriends I have lived with. It's as if him giving 30% is worth more than my ex-boyfriends giving 100%, which is pretty sad. I feel like I'm getting to the point where, although I don't love him, I compare him to other male friends and acquaintances. He is a really good person, and I don't think I can ever find a single guy like him. I value his friendship tremendously, but at the same time, although I don't want a relationship right now, it is somewhat frustrating hoping to find a single version of him out there. This whole entire paragraph is your problem. I am going to tell you personally for me it was the same thing. It didn’t click in my mind that having an affair with my friend even before marriage that I was shutting myself off from connecting with other men. I know you might think he knows you the best but that's not the case. What you have done is allowed him to take over an area of your heart that no other man can fill. It can never be filled because you are not willing. The comparison games as you’ve said is an example of that. The connection you have with your friend you don’t even attempt it in your own relationships. This man is sitting on the throne so no other man can sit there. You do not open up to other men as you would with him because you know he is there to fill that need. You have to try and let him go. He is stopping you from living. I know you might not think that’s the case. But try and remember the last relationship you were in and if you were as open as you are with your best friend. Your partner/man is your best friend. If you can’t talk to your partner about things you care about you can’t build on having a loving relationship. He will always rob you of connecting with other men if he is still in your life. Give another man a chance. Think about it. Really sit and dissect all the relationships you’ve had and ask yourself if you truly gave those men a 100% of you.
TurningTables Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hello Silver. My advice is coming from a perspective of BTDT. My best friend was also a MM. We went two years being best friends before it turned into something else. We also had been friends over a 18+ year span. You are having a EA with this guy. The friendships that cross those pesky emotional boundaries are the most dangerous ones of all. The reason I say this is because it hits you out of the blue and you dont know how you got there in the first place. You say that your MM leans on you and you him, youve both turned to each other, become each other's sounding board, when he should be turning to his W about these things, not you. You are one step away from seeing each other and wham! a PA. I think you are denial a bit about your feelings for him. I say this with nothing but concern because you wouldnt be posting here otherwise. There wouldnt be a problem if your feelings werent getting in the way. This is a warning your brain and your heart is sending to you. It happens to all of us, but most the time we ignore it. This is good that you recongize something isnt quite right and are seeking answers. Here comes the hard part: Its time to say goodbye. Its not going to be easy, but you are really escaping just in time before things get out of hand. You need to have a conversation with him about how you feel and that you feel its time to move on. ONLY when he is single, can the two of you be friends again. Its going to hurt and you are going to cry. You will feel lonely and want to reach out to him, but as time goes by and the further you are into NC, it will ease off. Stepping away from the whole thing is going to give you alot of clarity. Best wishes.
bentnotbroken Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He usually doesn't try to get in my pants. I don't think he disrespects me either. I won't get into details, but he has done more for me than any non-family member. He isn't my everything - I still notice other people, but I don't expect much from others. I have never been with anyone who I consider as good of a person as him, and I have dated a few people for at least 3 months, and had 3 live-in, serious relationships that lasted for years. I'm being truthful when I say that my ex-boyfriends, including the serious ones, never gave me the emotional support I needed as much as he does. I realize he's only giving a part of himself, but honestly, from my perspective, it's worth more than others' giving themselves to me entirely. It just makes my relationship history seem sad, as if I have been attracting and dating the wrong people my entire life. He stopped being in love with his wife long before I met him, so I don't really know what to think about their marriage. For what it's worth, he is still the ideal husband and treats his wife well. He works, pays all of the bills, does everything she asks, and answers at her beck and call. Ideal husbands don't have emotional affairs with "friends". There is no such thing as an ideal husband. There are a men who pay the bills, do things that the wife asks and comes when she calls him....yet every chance they get with a willing participant(that's you) will disrespect his vows and his wife. It takes more to being a good husband than the things you listed.
Quiet Storm Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) I have never been with anyone who I consider as good of a person as him Why would you consider a person that is so eager to cheat on his wife a good person? What do you consider to be good character and values? When you judge a person, you shouldn't base the judgement on how they interact with you only (because they may have an agenda). You have to look at how they are with everyone in their life. Character is what you do when no one is looking. If his agenda is to have sex with you, he will act in ways that he believes will make you more receptive to this idea. He will fake the emotional connection because it is step towards meeting his goal. Try not to feel flattered that he would risk his marriage to have sex with you. Instead, recognize that he must not have much respect for you if he thought you'd be willing to be his partner in crime. Best friends don't try to get you to do something you know is wrong. I say that my ex-boyfriends, including the serious ones, never gave me the emotional support I needed as much as he does. This is because he is married and has been living with a woman. He's been trained, so to speak. Many OW say that they get more attention and romance from a MM, than from a single guy. This is because these guys have more experience being close to a woman. They have learned what to say to make a woman smile. They have learned what NOT to say to avoid hurting a woman's feelings. They are more emotionally tuned in to women, and use this knowledge to manipulate. Edited September 20, 2011 by Quiet Storm
Author Silverliningg Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Don't have the time to individually respond to every post, so here goes. In his words, he is "not sure he loves his wife, but he cares about her as a person." We've discussed before what it means to be "in love" with someone and "love" them after spending years with them. I don't really know if there is a distinction after years, but if there is, I'm not even sure he "loves" her, but he cares about her, and he feels responsible for her. He doesn't try to use me for sex, considering we aren't even in the same city anymore. He's also not a very sexual person, so I don't think that's his main drive. He doesn't have an "agenda" to have sex with me. Our friendship progressed after we talked with each other and realized we have a lot in common and have an emotional connection. I don't think a person is necessarily bad if they cheat. He is a good person and he does treat everyone well. He still treats his wife like a queen and he does almost everything she wants. After having dated abusive men, I'd much rather date a cheater who is kind to me than an abusive guy completely dedicated to me. (I realize there's a middle ground somewhere, but I'm just stating this as an example.) Their marriage does sort of sound like a roommate/servant relationship. His wife has never worked a day in her life because she thinks that men should be responsible for everything. He literally does everything for her. I even joked around with him if he liked being a "submissive" once, and he thought about it, and said, no, but it just somehow turned out that way, partly because he grew up with a dominant mother. I value his friendship a lot. I'd rather have him as a friend, and not EA, instead of not having him in my life at all. Although there probably is a slim possibility of achieving this. I realize that we might have to impose NC, but it's just hard. He is my best friend and my pillar in a way. Edited September 20, 2011 by Silverliningg
bentnotbroken Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Don't have the time to individually respond to every post, so here goes. In his words, he is "not sure he loves his wife, but he cares about her as a person." We've discussed before what it means to be "in love" with someone and "love" them after spending years with them. I don't really know if there is a distinction after years, but if there is, I'm not even sure he "loves" her, but he cares about her, and he feels responsible for her. He doesn't try to use me for sex, considering we aren't even in the same city anymore. He's also not a very sexual person, so I don't think that's his main drive. He doesn't have an "agenda" to have sex with me. Our friendship progressed after we talked with each other and realized we have a lot in common and have an emotional connection. I don't think a person is necessarily bad if they cheat. He is a good person and he does treat everyone well. He still treats his wife like a queen and he does almost everything she wants. After having dated abusive men, I'd much rather date a cheater who is kind to me than an abusive guy completely dedicated to me. (I realize there's a middle ground somewhere, but I'm just stating this as an example.) Their marriage does sort of sound like a roommate/servant relationship. His wife has never worked a day in her life because she thinks that men should be responsible for everything. He literally does everything for her. I even joked around with him if he liked being a "submissive" once, and he thought about it, and said, no, but it just somehow turned out that way, partly because he grew up with a dominant mother. I value his friendship a lot. I'd rather have him as a friend, and not EA, instead of not having him in my life at all. Although there probably is a slim possibility of achieving this. I realize that we might have to impose NC, but it's just hard. He is my best friend and my pillar in a way. Well if cheating on her is treating her like a queen, then he should tell the queen so that she can decide if she wants that kind of treatment. And as far as distinguishing between abusive(I don't know whether you mean only physical abuse or not)for those who have been cheated on, many consider that emotional abuse and for those exposed to STD's(and in some cases contracting a disease)they consider that abuse as well. So I guess it is what YOU would rather have. Instead of assuming you or he knows what she would rather have (based on your druthers), ask her what she would prefer.
His4Always Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I've known my friend for a couple years, and we have always been there for each other. He has helped me through hardships, has always been there for me, and I have also lent my ear for support when he wants to vent, particularly about his marriage. I honestly have never had as good of a friend as him and I'm happy to have had him in my life, even if nothing ever happens between us. Over the years he has tried to get physical with me. (I stopped him though, because I really don't want to be a mistress.) He tried to kiss me and he has told me that he would make love to me in a second. He has told me that he really wants me on multiple occasions. He told me he really liked me first. I moved to another city for my work, so now we just chat over the internet and phone everyday and there isn't a chance for it to get physical. There was a period of time where he would get jealous when I liked other people. I haven't dated in awhile though, so I'm not sure what he thinks now. We have told each other that we really like each other. He still loves his wife, but is not in love with her. He has tried to leave his wife before, but she has recently been trying to improve their marriage, so he has vented to be me slightly less. Although he still can't be honest with her about his feelings, I don't think she's making life as hard for him as it was before, so I think he's in a stasis. We still talk everyday, make jokes, talk about life, talk about our jobs (we are in the same profession). I guess my question is, should I cut him off completely and stop being friends with him? I don't really have the urge to start dating again or be with anyone. I'm happy being single for the moment. I don't think I'm in love with him, but at the same time, I dislike how I like my best friend romantically. It's hard being such good friends with someone you are attracted to - we were both attracted to each other immediately after we first saw each other. I'm just not sure what to do because the person I am closest to and who has been there for me more than anyone else, and this includes past boyfriends, is a MM. He has provided more emotional support than anyone ever has in my entire life. Should I cut him out of my life?Why on earth would you want to cut someone that you love out of your life?
woinlove Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 silver, what are you looking for here? You pose the question - should you drop MM from your life, but you rebut any suggestion in the affirmative with explanations that most people can't relate to. I would not be happy with a cheating H who deceives me, even if it is better than having an H beat me. Not that many women are going to be happy with a cheating H. If you are one of the few who are, you still might try to understand those who aren't, in order to help people connect to your question. Similarly, many people actually want the kind of deep, special bond that a committed R brings. However, perhaps not you. What I'm getting so far is you don't mind a cheating partner, you aren't interested in a committed R, you would rather have a small piece of MM than have all of someone else, you think MM's W has it great the way things are. If I've summed it up correctly, then no it doesn't seem like you should end things with MM, because you are getting what you want and other people trying to explain that his W may not be happy about it don't seem to connect to something you can relate to. Having said all that, what it looks like from the outside, is that your perspective of MM is very skewed - you have him up on a pedestal instead of on the ground in the real world where he actually should reside, and as long as you insist on keeping him up there, you will not be open to other men, who also reside in the real world. There are actually men who not only treat others well but actually are open and honest with their W and don't secretly try to have sex with other women behind their W's back. You must know that, right? Perhaps you think such men would have no interest in you? If so, why is that? Forget about putting MM on a pedestal. Learn to love yourself, respect yourself and you won't be comparing your ideal H to an abuser and thinking all is fine if he comes out on top.
Quiet Storm Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Our friendship progressed after we talked with each other and realized we have a lot in common and have an emotional connection. Just realize that many OW feel this way, and realize later that it was all BS. It is a technique called "mirroring", that many cheating men and sociopaths use to keep women on the hook. Even if you don't provide sex, you give him attention and ego strokes. I don't think a person is necessarily bad if they cheat. He is a good person and he does treat everyone well. He still treats his wife like a queen and he does almost everything she wants. This is congitive dissonance on your part. You say he is a good person, but he cheats on his wife, lies, sounds very passive-agressive and is getting his "best friend" tangled in his marriage mess. Did you think cheating was okay BEFORE you met him? If not, then you are changing your core values so that you can continue to do something that you previously would have considered to be wrong. Make sure you really like HIM and not just the way he makes you FEEL. The attention he gives you makes you feel special and these feelings can be easily mistaken for love. But it doesn't mean you love that particular person. You can feel those same things for someone that is available.
woinlove Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Why on earth would you want to cut someone that you love out of your life? If you read her responses, you will see that she doesn't really want to, but reading between the lines it seems like she has some concerns that she might be missing out on an R with some great man who puts her first and is committed to her. At the moment, she may be looking for reassurance that she shouldn't worry about that but once those concerns arise, they have a tendency to not go away until addressed with more than reassurances.
spice4life Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I agree with the others, you are definitely in an EA with this guy. If you weren't, you would not be comparing others to him. A's are all fantasy and no matter what you think and feel and what he says, it is still all fantasy. It's not real...it can't be. You were in abusive relationships and that makes this guy appear much better than he really is, so it is easy for you idealize him in a sense, since you only have bad eggs to compare him to. But the reality is, he is probably filling his own need for adoration by being your emotional crutch. It is very easy for a MM to do because they are stellar when it comes to compartmentalizing. Well, actually, it is very easy for a MM and MW to do because they are married. They search for what is missing in their marriage with an outside person. Some search for sex and others search for the emotional connection. It makes their life at home a lot easier to tolerate because the missing piece is found in someone else. It's sad really, if you step back and take a look at it. It is nothing more than a coping mechanism. I'm not trying to be unsupportive, but you are clearly in an EA fog. You won't find the true answers until you finally end it and let your head clear. Things will look A LOT different from that perspective... if you can find the strength to let go and get yourself there. On a side note, the title of your post got me thinking about my own situation with my xMM and it kind of made me giggle. I wonder if HE thought that "I" thought he was my best friend. Sure, I bantered back and forth with him about my day, my travels, my silly life experiences...that was how we communicated, but I never felt comfortable enough with him to just pick up the phone and have real conversations like friends do. The things I told him, I told others as well...no big secrets or anything. The only secret "big" secret we shared was the A...that's it really. So no, I never considered him my BFF. It was never that kind of relationship..not from what I could tell anyway. Maybe he felt different...I dunno. . I know I was simply filling a "void" in his life and nothing more. I recognized it and put it in it's proper perspective after a while. I'm sure, on some level, he was filling a void in mine too. Sorry I went off track here. If you choose to say goodbye and do some soul searching on your own without him, you will see that there is a whole other world out there just waiting for you to embrace it. Good luck and best wishes.
Recommended Posts