USMCHokie Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 After looking through the responses in my last thread, I realized that many of you were right that I've got some crazy issues to deal with, and it was suggested that I take a year break from all of this dating and relationship nonsense to get my head right. (thanks Kam) I know I'd be a lot happier if I'm not constantly thinking about why I think girls don't want me or browsing OKC profiles and getting bitter and resentful...I think it'd be wiser spending my time on more productive pursuits... So no more online dating, no more AFF (yes, it was a huge waste of money...lesson learned...), no hunting for one night stands on weekends...and more positive self-reinforcement... I'd like to use this thread as sort of a journal in case I have any searing thoughts...whether positive or negative...and hopefully get feedback from you all...I know I've attempted something like this before and was unable to really stick with it for very long...can't hurt to try again... Just few questions though...how do you deal with the lack of sex...? And more importantly, what if I DO come across something that could be the real thing...? Stay resolute and pass, or pursue...? And in this search for "myself," what am I supposed to be looking for?
Art_Critic Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I'd bet 1000 dollars that if some hot chick came up to you in a bar and rubbed your leg while she handed you her number that you would go out with her the next night.. I'm all for Introspection but dude.. you haven't got some big issues that require a year hiatus from dating. Why not go see a therapist for a few sessions and work it out with an uninterested party ?
laotzu Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Love love...! Do you like older women!? Sick of those boring little girls? Come to the site:::bunny::bunny::bunny:C o u g ara. ( / 0 M ^_^ Cougara.C/OM ::bunny::bunny::!!This site must be very helpful to you.And it 's totally free for all members.I bet you can find what you want here! There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are or what you are~ YOU MUST CHECK IT!! What this guy said. And isn't there a journal section for journals?
Kamille Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I think you know yourself: it's the person you are when feeling relaxed, happy and serene. As to your question about what to do if you meet someone, I'd say, let it happen. What I was suggesting is that you stop focusing on it. If it happens, it happens. But since looking for it is making you unhappy, focus on what does make you happy. As for your question about sex... Wait, what? It suddenly sounds like you managed to have ONS on a regular basis. If that's the case, then my understanding of the situation is drastically different. Is the issue that you manage to pick up but not to find someone you click with for a LTR?
Author USMCHokie Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I'd bet 1000 dollars that if some hot chick came up to you in a bar and rubbed your leg while she handed you her number that you would go out with her the next night.. I'm all for Introspection but dude.. you haven't got some big issues that require a year hiatus from dating. Why not go see a therapist for a few sessions and work it out with an uninterested party ? I'd honestly be incredibly suspicious in that situation, hahah. I just want to pull myself from the hole I've dug myself into...and this race issue is just killing me...
Author USMCHokie Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I think you know yourself: it's the person you are when feeling relaxed, happy and serene. As to your question about what to do if you meet someone, I'd say, let it happen. What I was suggesting is that you stop focusing on it. If it happens, it happens. But since looking for it is making you unhappy, focus on what does make you happy. As for your question about sex... Wait, what? It suddenly sounds like you managed to have ONS on a regular basis. If that's the case, then my understanding of the situation is drastically different. Is the issue that you manage to pick up but not to find someone you click with for a LTR? Dated a girl for a couple months last spring...so not casual sex or anything...but it didn't work out...then I crawled back into my bitter hole... But yea, I suppose you're right...I'm sure my "real" self will come out naturally...
Kamille Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Re: the year. I was suggesting a year hiatus because I wanted you to imagine your life without this on-going self-imposed torture. Basically, a year of not focusing on it - and then, nex September, if you aren't feeling better, it would be time for another strategy. I do think that therapy could help you deal with some of the issues. I'm starting a process again soon. When you meet a good therapist, they can really help you out of some of those sticky thought patterns.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Re: the year. I was suggesting a year hiatus because I wanted you to imagine your life without this on-going self-imposed torture. Basically, a year of not focusing on it - and then, nex September, if you aren't feeling better, it would be time for another strategy. I do think that therapy could help you deal with some of the issues. I'm starting a process again soon. When you meet a good therapist, they can really help you out of some of those sticky thought patterns. Yea, I understand what you were getting at, and I remember a time in my life when I was content without all the self-induced stress and pressure from dating...or trying to date...it'd be kinda nice to get back to that...I don't think I have ever been there since my breakup just over 2 years ago when all this dating nonsense really started picking up...because an expectation was created...one that only brought disappointment if I didn't achieve those expectations...
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Dating should be fun. I left it on that note about 18 months ago. No regrets. Just few questions though...how do you deal with the lack of sex...? I recall what it was like back when I was a virgin, along with remembering why I got divorced. I've got about three years experience with that now. And more importantly, what if I DO come across something that could be the real thing...? Stay resolute and pass, or pursue...? A 'real thing' will evolve and be natural and, like dating, fun. It will be a natural and healthy progression. If I met 'the real thing' tomorrow, it would be like any other day, except with a new person in it. They don't rule it. Life is too full of other things, people and pursuits for that. They will be noted and appreciated. Hopefully it'll be mutual. And in this search for "myself," what am I supposed to be looking for? Unknown. Only you can answer that question IMO. For myself, it was/is peace with and acceptance of my life path, regardless of who might share it.
Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hokie... I appreciate you wanting to make a change. I had taken a long break from dating after I got into a terrible relationship. What helped me was that I threw myself into self-development and growth. I went into intensive therapy and developed a new circle of close friends. The weird part about making change is it's a leap of faith. I didn't see progress until after the first year. In fact, I got worse for awhile and developed an eating disorder to medicate my fear and loneliness. I never saw the road ahead of me, but I kept walking. It was the scariest time of my life. I don't know where your path will lead, but move forward and ask for help from spiritually grounded people. Also, your self-hate around being Asian might be helped by doing volunteer service in an Asian organization. In my city, Philadelphia, we have many organizations including the Asian Arts Initiative. AAI is the best place on earth. It is about art, youth development, and community building. Maybe you can see if there is an analogous group in DC. I hope you keep writing. I have always been inspired by you on LS. Your voice is one of the most honest on the board.
somethingsimple Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I don't know if this relates to you in a sense. I've also got of a relationship roughly 2 years ago and for what its worth, Asian (lol). Well this past year, after the initial year of getting over the break up, I took my fun in the dating world. This past two months, it really got out of hand. Especially two weeks ago, I made-out with four girls, set-up 2 dates the following week, had my eyes set on another 2, just rejected one, and probably was texting another 2. Not recounting this is probably around 8 different girls. While, I wasn't lying and kept it really light. It began, taking over my life. I was starting to define myself through women and starting to objectify women as well. Which I completely think I'm not all about. This past week, I told myself I wasn't contacting or advancing on any women the whole week. While, its still very recent, its done wonders for me. I'm able to concentrate on myself more and don't have a longing to date women who don't really have a relationship future with me. Finding yourself will happen on its own, you just have to give yourself the time to get there.
snug.bunny Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Try not to force it. Dating should happen naturally, you meet someone, someone asks the other out and at some point it takes shape on it's own. A year hiatus is nothing, try to relax and enjoy it.
betterdeal Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Good call. Ever had something tricky to solve, maybe at work? You spend ages trying then you take a tea break, get back to your desk and think, "Oh yeah, that's how you do it" and see how to do it in seconds? Well, the whole relationships thing can be like that too. Take a break. Sure, if you hit the lottery and Kiera Knightley sends for you, cut the year short, but taking yourself off the market for the foreseeable future can be a liberating experience. Think of all that energy you'l have and be able to put into something else, like repairing an old motorbike or learning Catalan or joining a free running group, or smoking all the pot you can find and building a kite, from scratch. Whatever floats your boat. Good for you.
Star Gazer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Hokie, I've had a lot of self-epiphanies lately (thanks to my therapist, haha!) which I think will be helpful to you. But rather than discuss it publicly, I'll email you.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Hokie, I've had a lot of self-epiphanies lately (thanks to my therapist, haha!) which I think will be helpful to you. But rather than discuss it publicly, I'll email you. Thanks, I'm looking forward to it.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Hokie... I appreciate you wanting to make a change. I had taken a long break from dating after I got into a terrible relationship. What helped me was that I threw myself into self-development and growth. I went into intensive therapy and developed a new circle of close friends. The weird part about making change is it's a leap of faith. I didn't see progress until after the first year. In fact, I got worse for awhile and developed an eating disorder to medicate my fear and loneliness. I never saw the road ahead of me, but I kept walking. It was the scariest time of my life. I don't know where your path will lead, but move forward and ask for help from spiritually grounded people. Also, your self-hate around being Asian might be helped by doing volunteer service in an Asian organization. In my city, Philadelphia, we have many organizations including the Asian Arts Initiative. AAI is the best place on earth. It is about art, youth development, and community building. Maybe you can see if there is an analogous group in DC. I hope you keep writing. I have always been inspired by you on LS. Your voice is one of the most honest on the board. Thanks, Cee. I imagine it's a very push-pull kind of process...one minute you're fine, and then the next, something triggers you to regress, like if I were to go out with friends and be the only one to go home alone. I know I'm not that kind of guy and shouldn't be affected by it, but hey, I'm human... And I understand that it takes a huge leap of faith...I basically have to tell myself that something I believed all my life just isn't true...like a lightswitch...it's kinda scary...but I have a feeling that it has the potential to be incredibly liberating...
SmileFace Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 "I never saw the road ahead of me, but I kept walking. It was the scariest time of my life." I don't have much to add to this but be ready for the rollercoaster. Taking a step back to reflect on yourself and life will not be easy. All the best. Hopefully even with or with out a break from dating you can take some time to learn about yourself and how to improve.
AD1980 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Goods luck.. Im gonna do the same..which ive been doign for my first 31 years anyway:laugh:
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